


I Loved You All Along

by Lurkinginthecorner



Series: I Loved You All Along [1]
Category: Hunger Games (2012) RPF, Josh Hutcherson - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, jennifer lawrence - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 11:28:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 162,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurkinginthecorner/pseuds/Lurkinginthecorner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh and Jennifer have been best friends ever since they started working together. But when they realize they're deeply attracted to each other, will they let stubbornness and fear keep them from happiness? Or will they find a way to break the guarding walls they've built around them and overcome the multiple obstacles to their relationship? Josh's POV/Jennifer's POV. Disclaimer: Most of this is entirely fictional!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Josh’s POV**

Sometimes I wonder why I just can’t move on from her. She’s one of my best friends, she knows me better than anybody – other than my mom, maybe - and no one makes me laugh more than her. We already have an awesome friendship. Why do I keep hoping for more? Why do I torture myself with such thoughts?

It all started a year and a half ago, whilst we were filming _The Hunger Games_. I had met her a few months prior on the red carpet during the award season. Back then, I had no idea our lives would change so much in only a matter of months. I had no clue we were going to work together for a few years. I couldn’t imagine I was about to fall head over heels in love.

She was so pretty in her hot pink dress, she was lighting up the whole room. She keeps debating with me about it, but I know for sure this is the event at which we met for the first time. The Screen Actors Guild awards, January 30th, 2011. I remember that day very clearly, and not only for her gorgeous look. When we crossed paths on the red carpet, she introduced herself to me and confessed to me that I had inspired her to keep pursuing a career in acting when she was ready to give up, all because, like her, I was a young one from Kentucky who dreamed of making a living in Hollywood. My jaw had dropped in surprise. That girl, who was nominated for an Academy Award, had basically admitted that without me, she wouldn’t have made it. We barely spoke again the whole night, but I came across her once more at the Independent Spirit Awards. This is the one time she truly remembers meeting me, as she keeps arguing she was wearing a white dress that night. After the award presentation, there was a party and she eventually joined me on the dance floor. Funnily enough, I’m the one who doesn’t remember much from that night. I only recall how she looked amazing in that white dress, her blond hair cascading in beautiful waves over her shoulders, her body heat overwhelming my senses as she moved enthusiastically next to me, and her enticing floral scent making me dizzy as she leaned in close to my mouth to hear my voice over the blasting music.

Two days later, I attended the Academy Awards ceremony for the first time with the cast of _The Kids Are All Right_. We arrived at the same time, so we walked the red carpet next to one another. She was so stunning in her simple, elegant red dress, her golden hair shining under the spotlights. Next to her, I looked like I was just blending in the crowd. I guess I would always just stay in the shadows, hoping one day, she would stop looking at me from above – not for the reason that she’s always towering over me because of the giant heels she wears at events all the time, but figuratively – but I knew I was destined to be her precious little best friend, nothing more. She cared for someone else. Someone who had already been involved in wrecking my love life at some point.

I had known since the first night we actually talked to each other that Jennifer had a boyfriend. It took a few more conversations for me to discover that the guy she was dating was one of my exes’ rebound after she had dumped me. Or was he the reason she broke it off with me? I didn’t know back then, and I probably never will. What I do know, is that he owned Jennifer’s heart and I had to accept it.

I had cringed when I had realized I could have met her a lot sooner and had a real chance to win her over. At the time, I was in talks to join the _X-Men_ franchise and would have appeared in the _X-Men: First Class_ movie, but the role I was supposed to play was finally written off the script. Perhaps she would have still fallen for Nick. But it kills me to think that there is a possibility – albeit slim - that she would have paid more attention to me back then.

Right after the 2011 Oscars, my agent booked me a place for the _Hunger Games_ auditions. I had read the books as soon as I had heard they were making movies out of them, and I had totally connected with the character of Peeta Mellark. I had never wanted a role so badly in my life. I was pretty confident in my chances of getting it, although I did a double-take when I entered the waiting room the day of the auditions and found myself surrounded by tall, blond-haired/blue-eyed boys. I knew there was nothing a good hair dye job couldn’t do, and the inaccurate color of my eyes wouldn’t stand out all that much on the big screen, but I couldn’t help but worry that the filmmakers would have a harder time picturing me as Peeta  than they would with those guys who already fitted his physical description perfectly.

It turned out they didn’t need to see me with blond hair to recognize the Peeta in me. Gary Ross and Suzanne Collins seemed pretty pleased with my interpretation of the character, and I had confirmation that I had made a good impression when I was called in for a chemistry read with the actress who had been cast as Katniss Everdeen. I knew a lot of young actresses had auditioned for the part, but I had no idea who had actually gotten the coveted role. I was astounded when I saw her walk in the audition room. She had just given me another reason the fight hard for the part; there was no way I would miss on an opportunity to work with her. Not only did I already know she was a brilliant actress thanks to her previous films, but I also suspected she would be a real pleasure to work with because of her funny and refreshing personality. She looked genuinely delighted to see me enter the audition room. Fortunately for me, we hit it off right away and I found out a few weeks later that I had been cast in the role. I was speechless when I was told the good news.

A few months later, we shot the movie in North Carolina. It didn’t take long for us to become very close friends. We shared common interests, we had the same sense of humour. I was profoundly attracted to her both on a physical and emotional level, but since she was still dating Nick and I respected that, I tried, as much as I could, to forget any bubbling romantic feelings I could have had for her. It was hard, seeing how she seemed to complete me in more ways than one. But eventually, I had myself convinced that we had a solid friendship that would never develop into something more, and therefore, I could push the pang of disappointment that stabbed me in the gut every time I saw her deep down into my core.

After we finished filming the movie, it took another few months before we saw each other again. She filmed _Silver Linings Playbook_ for most of the fall, then I did a lot of promotion for the second _Journey_ movie. We kept in touch, mostly via texting, and being away from her seemed to help me move on. We were finally reunited for the _Hunger Games_ press tour. I really thought I was over her. Yet, it only took a couple of appearances, listening to her joking about all and nothing, smiling at each other in remembrance of our old antics, taking in her perfect body, for all these feelings to come back in full force. I tried my hardest to hide any trace of them, to act as if my heart wasn’t beating like a drum every time I found myself near her. Fortunately, being as close as we were, she found a confident in me and kept reminding me, without necessarily wanting to, that she had a boyfriend. It helped burst my bubble when I found myself too far gone in my fantasies.

And here we are now, about to start filming the second of our four movies together. This is probably going to be the hardest of three shoots for me – we’re filming the two _Mockingjay_ movies back to back, as if it were one huge movie – seeing as this is the point of the story where Peeta and Katniss truly fall in love. Jennifer will have no problem faking being in love with me. Hell, she might even find it awkward like the first time, as the idea of dating me must be simply unthinkable to her. The hardest part for me will be holding myself back. Trying not to hint that I’m not just pretending to be in love with her. Making sure she remains as oblivious to my feelings as she has always been.

I just moved into my temporary home for the next two months. Instead of having Jen and I stay at the hotel for the entire shoot, the production company rented us houses in the Atlanta suburban area. Mine is medium-sized, with three bedrooms, a living room, a huge kitchen and a large bathroom. The walls are all white, but the house is well decorated. It has large windows, so that it’s bathed in sunlight the whole day.

“Which room did you pick, buddy?”

Andre’s voice makes me jump out of my thoughts. He made the trip with me to work as my personal assistant/bodyguard, like he does on most of my shoots. I point out the farthest room at the end of the hallway.

“I should have known you’d choose the biggest one.”

“Well, I’m the one who has to share a room with the dog!” I reply, laughing.

I decided that instead of asking my family or hiring someone to take care of Driver, my dog, I’d bring him with me for part of the shoot. With Andre making the trip with me, he’ll be in good company when I’m busy filming. As if sensing that we were talking about him, Driver runs to me, begging to be petted. I quickly run my hand on the top of his head to please him.  Andre disappears in another room with his travel case, whilst I bring my own stuff to my bedroom. Although I’m scheduled to stay here for two months, I always travel light. My mom finally got tired of washing my clothes and taught me to do laundry. Since then, I’ve taken her advice to heart and bring only a few comfy jeans and t-shirts that I wear over and over again. I’m glad this house has its own washer and dryer set. I’m gonna put them to good use over the course of this shoot.

As I’m emptying the contents of my travel case into the drawers, I hear the sound of an incoming text message on my phone. I retrieve it from my jean pocket and smile when I see who the sender is.

JENNIFER: Hey there, are you in Atlanta yet?

JOSH: I just dropped my stuff in my rental house. Are you?

I wait a few seconds for her answer, still grinning like an idiot. Andre would make fun of me like crazy if he wasn’t busy in his own room.

JENNIFER: I’m on my way to my house. Apparently, we’re almost neighbors.

Oh, really? That’s interesting.

JOSH: So you know where I’m staying? Meet me here when you’re done?

I drop the phone on my dresser and take the pile of t-shirts from the case. Her answer doesn’t take long to come in.

JENNIFER: I will! I missed you so much Josh. Can’t wait to see you.

I smile and think, “I can’t wait to see you either”.

 

* * *

 

Andre leaves the house half an hour later to go run some errands. I finish unpacking my stuff and crash on the couch to wait for Jen. I barely have time to flip through the channels on the TV before I hear the doorbell ring. I get up and open the door. There she is, flashing me a huge smile. God, how I missed that woman.

“Hey Josh!”

“Oh, Jen, I missed you so much!”

She throws herself in my arms for a crushing bear hug. I bury my face in her hair and breathe in her scent deeply. Suddenly, a ton of feelings I had convinced myself were gone for good come back to me. She still has that effect on me. I’m screwed.

“I’m so happy to see you,” she says in a whisper.

I finally pull back a little to take a look at her face. She watches me intently, still grinning. I can’t keep staring at her like that or else she’ll realize what she sees in my eyes is more than friendship love. I drop my gaze to the floor and turn around.

“What do you want to do?” I finally ask in a cheerful tone.

“I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat at my place, wanna go grocery shopping with me?”

“Sure, I need to get stuff for here as well, let’s go.”

 

* * *

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m so happy to finally get to spend time with Josh after we’ve been apart for so many months. I hadn’t quite fully grasped how much I actually missed him before seeing him again today. There had been a strong feeling of relief mixed with something else – longing? - coursing through me when we hugged. Being able to talk with him at any time through text messages was cool, but sensing his presence beside me and feeling his strong arms enveloping me was even better.

Josh picks up his wallet, baseball cap and keys and opens the door, gesturing for me to go through before him. I wait for him as he turns around to lock the door. With his back to me and the grey tank top he’s wearing, I can’t help but peek at his arm and shoulder muscles that bulge with his every move.

“You finally decided it was time to start looking like a man I see? Worked your ass off in the gym?” I tease him. He turns around with a boyish smile.

“Enjoy what you see?” he answers playfully.

“Very much, Josh, very much. Don’t expect me to compliment you again, this was a one-off.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.”

I’m not even joking. He did bulk up a lot over the last few months. I realize he truly transformed from a cute boy to a handsome man. We walk together to his car.

“How are things going with the mister? You barely talk about him anymore,” he says, opening the door on the driver side.

I freeze in front of the vehicle. Josh seems to quickly understand this is a delicate subject for me to talk about as he doesn’t make a move to get in the car. Nick and I have been dating for two years. We are very much in love, which makes our long-distance relationship – he lives in London, I live in California – very difficult to deal with. I miss him a lot, but I have to focus on my career before anything else at the moment. I think he has a harder time than me dealing with the situation though.

We both sit in the car before I reply anything. Josh looks at me quizzically, still waiting for me to explain my odd reaction to his seemingly innocuous question.

“He asked me to move to London with him,” I answer with a sigh.

“Oh... what will you do?”

“There is no way I can move to London right now, Josh,” I speak softly. “I love the city, but my life is in Hollywood. He knows that, yet he’s pressuring me. I don’t know why. Being in a long-distance relationship is not easy, but it’s always been enough for us.”

“Maybe he’s ready for the next steps. When we’re finished filming _Mockingjay_ , you’ll be done with franchises, you’ll be able to go back to indies only and won’t need to spend as much time in the US anymore. You’ll be able to live wherever you want and spend more time with him.”

There is a strange flickering in his voice. I shake my head as he starts the engine.

“Even doing indies, I would lose opportunities if I left the States. Nick’s career is breaking through here in Hollywood; he should be the one moving here, not me. I hate having to deal with the paps here, but living in Europe would not work for me. I would also miss my friends too much.”

“Including me?” he says, with a fake hopeful tone.

“Especially you”, I answer honestly.

If there is something these last few months away from him have taught me, it’s that I need his presence in my life. I don’t ever want to go back to a time where I didn’t know him. He’s my rock, my confident, my best friend. Which is why I’m currently talking to him about my problems with Nick, a subject I don’t feel comfortable discussing with most people surrounding me. When he asked me to move away from the US, a week before I left for Atlanta, he didn’t exactly enjoy my reaction. I didn’t understand how he could have thought getting away from Hollywood at this point was a good career move for me, and so I got mad. We had our biggest argument yet, and I kicked him out of my house in fury. I’m still wondering what went through his mind.

Josh doesn’t reply to my statement about him. He must know by now how significant he is in my life, but I don’t want him to think our bond could grow into more than friendship. I know he would always be respectful of my relationship with Nick and never make a move to wreck it, but we’ve always been very obviously attracted to each other. I look at his profile for a moment. He’s concentrated on the road ahead, his forehead wrinkled in three lines. His mouth is closed tightly in an unreadable expression.

“I hope you will make the right decision”, he finally says after a while. “You can’t let your talent go to waste. You’re the best actress I’ve ever seen, it would be a shame not to be able to see you do any more wonders because of a lack of opportunities resulting from a geographical issue.”

“You don’t believe one thing of what you just said,” I answer, playfully.

“I’m serious, Jen.”

He chances a glance in my direction. His features are set in a tensed expression.

“It’s an honor for me to work with you. Even though you’re so annoying on set. “

“See, I knew there was something fishy about your statement.”

“Still, it’s a pleasure to put up with your annoying habits on set.”

Josh drives into the parking lot of the local Walmart and finally stops the car. Before I can open the door to get out, he stills my movement by reaching for my arm. His fingers touching my bare skin cause a weird burst of goosebumps to run all over my body. He stares at me with the same serious expression I’ve had a glimpse of before, which makes me frown a little.

“Really, Jen. I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but just in case, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do it. No matter where you are, you’ll have a successful career. That’s one thing I’m sure of. I’m also pretty sure you’ll be able to have any role you want. So, you should take the decision that you think will make you feel the best. I know how important Nick is to you. If you want to make him happy and the only way to do that is to move to London, I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work. I trust you.”

“Thank you, Josh. I’ll remember that.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Josh’s POV**

After our little shopping trip at Walmart, we stop by Jen’s house to drop her stuff. While I help her fill the cupboards with snacks, she turns to me out of the blue.

“I don’t know why they rented two houses for us,” she points out. “We’re gonna spend all our time off together anyway, it’s a waste of money.”

“I don’t know,” I answer with a smile. “Maybe they didn’t trust us not to end up fighting with each other. It would be kinda awkward if we had to share a house on top of that.”

“Well, they trusted us enough to have us share a trailer on set,” she remarks.

“Now, that would have been a waste of space and money. We barely spend time there anyway.”

“Except for lunchtime therapy!” she teases me with a wink.

“Yep,” I grin, thinking about all the lunchtimes we spent in my trailer while we were filming together last year. We could have thoughtful discussions about the meaning of life or our career goals, or silly banters about reality shows or just plain ridiculous stuff. We got a lot closer during these regular meetings, developing a deep understanding of one another that is the main reason why we can speak a common silent language that nobody but us actually gets.

Reflecting on it today, I realize these probably are the moments that made me fall in love with her. But I can’t dwell on these thoughts since it’s obvious she doesn’t share my feelings nor will she ever do. I’ve known for a long time that her relationship with Nick was solid and there was no way these two would call it quits anytime soon, but I can’t help feeling a little angry towards him for pressuring her into moving in with him in Europe. I know what happens between them is none of my business and Jen is big enough to take her own decisions, but I still worry that she may make the wrong choice because of the strong emotions involved, and as any good friend would hope, I don’t want her to be upset. I can’t help but resent Nick for putting her into that tricky position.

Jennifer empties the last bag into the refrigerator and turns to me with a warm smile.

“I’m starving, let’s go eat.”

 

* * *

 

At the restaurant, we’re joined by our director Francis Lawrence and a couple of our fellow cast members: Woody Harrelson and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Jennifer and I both became very good friends with Woody on set last year. Most of his scenes were with us and we hit it off with him right away. He may be a little older than us, but he’s still very young at heart and he loves to party and have fun. If he played Katniss and Peeta’s mentor on screen, you could say he was also mine and Jen’s mentor off screen as well. Therefore, I couldn’t wait to be reunited with him. As for Philip, he’s such an incredible actor that I’m honored to just appear in the same movie as him. I won’t be interacting with him in this film at all – I haven’t seen the scripts for the _Mockingjay_ movies yet, but I guess there is a slim chance I may have a few scenes to play with him in Part 2 – but I’m really looking forward to seeing him work. This will be like taking an acting class.

Jen is sitting next to me at the table, as usual. I guess she does it to be able to tease me more easily. She just can’t help herself. When we’re sitting next to each other, she always finds a reason to touch me. She has no idea of the effect she has on me of course. For her, it’s just a game. For me, it’s a bit more complicated. I have to keep telling myself my mantra over and over again: she’s your friend, she’s your friend, she’s your friend... Trying to forget her as a potential lover is a tiring job.

We order our meals and Jen launches an animated discussion with Philip about the people they met at a recent film festival. I get promptly distracted and lose myself in my thoughts about her, our current relationship and the upcoming shoot. Woody notices it and shakes me awake figuratively.

“Are you okay, boy?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m a bit tired, I get distracted more easily.” I sigh.

“Wanna relax some tonight? I have some stuff you may like. The invitation applies to your lovely lady here as well.”

His eyes dart to Jen, so intently listening to what Philip is saying that she is completely oblivious to my conversation with Woody.

“Yeah, sure, I think I’d be up for that.”

 

* * *

 

I leave the restaurant early, feeling a bit queasy and not because of the food. The more I hear Jen talking about her time in Toronto, gushing about Bradley Cooper and getting excited recalling every famous person she has met so far, the more I feel small and left out. I don’t think I’m really jealous per se, but I have to admit I would love to have a small place in the list of people Jen truly cares about. I’m no Oscar-nominated acting prodigy, I’m just a little boy from Kentucky trying to find success and happiness in Hollywood. There’s no way she could ever stop looking at me like the pitiful little puppy I am.

So before I do something stupid like blow a gasket or cry, I decide to walk away from the uncomfortable discussion. Jen finally realizes I was sitting next to her the whole time and haven’t talked much for the entire evening when I ask the waiter for my bill and put my cap back on my head. She lays her hand on mine and looks up at me.

“It’s still early, are you okay?” She asks with a concerned look.

I want to tell her the truth: no, I’m not, but I can’t tell you why as you’ll realize how pathetic and shitty I really am. So instead, I force a smile and tell her I’m just tired. She nods and doesn’t seem to see past my dubious explanation.

“Will you be okay to go back home?” I ask, suddenly remembering we came here together and her rental car is still parked in my driveway.

“I’ll drive her back,” Woody says with a neutral expression.

The waiter comes back to clear the bill. When we’re done, I wave at the table before quickly making my way towards the exit.

“Wait, Josh!”

I stop in the entryway and turn around. Jennifer stands next to me and opens up her arms to invite me for a big hug. I let her crush my body to hers, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. She softly whispers in my ear.

“I’m so glad to be here with you. I missed you so much. See you tomorrow?”

“Or tonight. Woody invited us to hang out at his place. If you feel like relaxing... see what I mean...”

“I’ll think about it.”

I finally return her smile with a genuine one, before walking through the doorstep. Outside, I let out a deep sigh, look down and kick a pebble. I can still feel the tingling where her breath tickled my neck when she whispered her encouraging words. She has no idea how much more difficult she’s making it for me.

 

* * *

 

I stop at my house to pass the time, since I know Woody likely hasn’t left the restaurant yet. I crash heavily on the couch and turn on the TV to watch TLC. I don’t know if it’s my kind of depressed mood after that discouraging dinner that makes me perceive the show this way, but I find it so boring that I almost fall asleep in front of it. After an hour of fighting my drifting dark thoughts, I text Andre, who’s out for the night, to tell him I’m spending the evening at Woody’s place. Then, I pick up my things and call a cab to take me there.

Woody always spends his time off set in the motorhome that he uses as his living place on every one of his projects. I find it easily amongst the trailer trucks parked at the Georgia World Congress Center, our first shooting location. We’re set to start filming the training scenes in two days.

I knock on his door. After a moment, he opens up and greets me with a smoky breath and a joint nestled between his fingers.

“Come in! I thought you’d be here earlier, so I didn’t wait for you.”

“That’s alright, as long as there’s still some of that left for me,” I answer jokingly.

“You should know by now I’m always well-stocked. Especially with you and Jennifer around.”

I flash him a huge grin and look at the table where he had been rolling a joint for me before my arrival. Woody has been our official drug provider since the middle of the shooting last year, when he finally joined us on set after we were done filming the District 12 and arena scenes in the woods of North Carolina. With my conflicting emotions ruining my mood all day, I could really take some weed to relax and put my mind off some things.

“Your girl didn’t come?” he asks, handing me the joint and digging in his shirt pocket for his lighter.

“First, she’s not my girl, second, I don’t know, she hasn’t texted or called me since I left the restaurant. Maybe it’s better this way. I really need to talk to somebody.”

“And you can’t talk to her?”

“She’s the last person I could talk to about that, Woody,” I sigh.

“I see.”

I light up my joint and lie down on the leather couch. Woody drops down on the recliner across from me, taking a long puff of his joint. I don’t answer right away, so he figures the problem out by himself.

“You care for her more than a simple friend should, am I correct?” He states, blowing the smoke away.

“You are.”

“How long has it been going on?”

I pause to think about it.

“I’ve had a crush on her since the first time I met her, at the SAG awards last year.” I admit. “But after we shot the first movie and spent more time together during the press tour, it grew into a lot more. I know she has a boyfriend and she loves him, so I’m not gonna try anything. But I didn’t expect to have so much trouble keeping my feelings in check. She’s having this effect on me, Woody... and her boyfriend is acting like such a jerk at the moment, but she doesn’t see it at all, she’s so blinded by love. I can understand her, but it sucks.”

I take a puff and look away to try to hide my shame.

“What do you mean about her boyfriend?” Woody asks, a confused expression on his face.

“He’s expecting her to move in with him in London. We all know the best opportunities for her are here in Hollywood, she’s got so much potential, she can’t let it all go to waste by moving at the other end of the world!” I exclaim, getting increasingly fired up the more I think and talk about it.

“Or by moving far away from you?” Woody replies in a quiet voice.

I breathe in some more weed, savour the taste of the smoke and let it out with a sigh.

“I’m trying not to be selfish,” I reply more calmly. “If she decides to go, it will hurt, but she can take her decisions by herself. I’m not delusional; I know I’m not important enough in her life to be a factor in her choice. I’m just afraid he’ll put so much pressure on her that she will forget how hard it is to build something here and she’ll go with him overseas. She loves him so much. You don’t think straight when you feel that kind of love. I may be over-protective, but I don’t want her to take a decision she’ll regret later.”

Woody looks at me with a small smile.

“What?” I say, feeling almost insulted by his expression. I’m telling him I’m worried for my best friend, and all he can do is troll me with a fake smile. He doesn’t take long to voice his thoughts.

“What makes you think you’re not important enough in her life to factor in her decision to stay or to leave?”

“It’s kinda obvious, Woody,” I sigh. I don’t understand what he’s trying to do. Making me question Jen’s feelings for me isn’t going to help me wake up from this dream I’ve been living in for the past year. “I’m just the kid from Kentucky, the one who plays cute characters in family movies. She’s so big now, she won’t have time to lose over me.”

“You may not realize that, but she’s always gushing about the way you make her laugh, or how she’s never enjoyed herself more on set than when she was shooting with you, it must count for something?”

“I don’t think it does. In three years, when we’re done with the _Mockingjay_ movies, we’ll never ever work again together, so it’s pointless.”

“You don’t know that.” He remarks.

“Woody, I’m so out of your league, it’s not even funny,” I say, shaking my head with a sad smile. “She’ll go on playing award-winning characters in critically-acclaimed movies. I’ll keep getting shitty, one-dimensional characters in family movies.”

“Why do you think that? You’re still young, you can’t expect to have the kind of career Jennifer has at her age, nobody does. We all breakthrough a little later in life, you will too. She’s an anomaly in the industry, surely you realize that?”

“I know. But I also know that nobody in Hollywood is gonna take me seriously. I don’t have the looks of a good leading man –“

“No. You can do stuff with your face that most actors take years to develop,” he interrupts me. “Why do you keep putting yourself down like that?”

“I’m not putting myself down, I’m being realistic.”

“Well, I think you and I don’t have the same definition of realistic.”

I shrug and take a puff. Woody sighs before starting to speak again.

“As much as you think you won’t move on from her when we’re done filming these movies, she won’t either.”

“She’ll have her boyfriend and lots of work to make her forget me. It won’t be hard.”

Woody shakes his head, still grinning like a fool.

“Are you trying to convince yourself she doesn’t care about you?”

“Maybe,” I reply with a shrug. I start to feel a little more light-headed, but the carefree feeling I was hoping for doesn’t come. Instead, I feel like wallowing in my own misery for a lot longer. Woody stays silent, smoking the last of his joint and dropping the remnants of it in the ashtray.

“You must think I’m a pathetic little shit,” I say with a sigh.

“No, I don’t,” he shakes his head and stares at me with a comforting smile. “I just think you’re a young man who hasn’t been appreciated enough in his youth and whose heart has been broken too many times to understand his real worth. Would you be happy with her friendship?”

“Of course, I would be. But it won’t last.”

“Josh, did you realize that she noticed you didn’t seem well tonight at the restaurant and she worried about you?” he asks, his smile turning into a serious expression.

“Not really. She was too busy gushing over her other co-stars to notice anything about me. I have nothing interesting to offer her, I’m not a great actor like you guys. I’m glad she’s got people with enough talent to help her grow as an actress on this set, even though it’s just another franchise movie.”

“Just another franchise movie?” he questions, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“Let’s be realistic, she won’t get an Oscar for playing Katniss Everdeen, even though we all know she would deserve one.”

“Yes, but why wouldn’t she learn things that will make her a better actress on this set? It’s a good script, with good actors – you, included – a good director and good crew. It’s gonna be a good movie. Why do you judge the worth of the movie just by if it’s Oscar-bait or not?”

“Because that’s how it works in the industry, you know that,” I say with a shrug. “Crowd-pleasers don’t bring recognition to an actor’s resume. “

“Most great actors do both high-grossing movies and indies, you know. What do you want to achieve with your career?”

I take a few seconds to think before answering his question.

“I want to be versatile.” I pause. “I don’t want to be type-cast. I want to play multi-layered, interesting characters in good movies. As much as I love Peeta Mellark, I don’t want to be known as the ’Boy with the Bread’ all my life.”

“I see. And what makes you think you won’t make it?” He sits farther into the armchair, raising the front of the recliner to rest and stretch his legs.

I sigh and look down.

“My height. My baby-face. My past work in family movies.”

Woody frowns.

“Your height? I thought you didn’t care about that.”

“What can I say, maybe I’m not that bad of an actor,” I chuckle darkly. “I was hiding it the whole time. I’ve lost out on so many good roles because of it. People find me ridiculous as a leading man because I’m not tall enough.”

“This is not the case with these moviesthough,” he remarks.

“Thank God Suzanne Collins wrote that Peeta was medium-height, otherwise I would have probably lost that one too. Do you have any idea how much criticism I got for my hazel eyes? Imagine if he’d been described as tall. People think he’s supposed to be this tall guy even though he was never described as such in the books. They flip shit when they see me next to Jen. Not only am I short, but I’m shorter than her. They find it awkward.”

“Since when do you care about what people think?”

I look down again to keep the tears I feel in the corners of my eyes from falling. I’m not going to display my weaknesses in front of Woody, I’m already annoying him enough with my shit. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

“Since I started realizing why I wasn’t getting more parts from the auditions I passed,” I finally confess with a sigh. “They never tell me directly of course, but when I find out who gets the roles, it’s easy to see why I’ve been dismissed. Hell, the only role I got recently is a voiceover in an animated movie!”

Woody shakes his head and groans.

“I won’t give up, Woody.” I add. “But don’t be surprised if I fade after the last movie comes out in three years. “

“Keep telling yourself that. I’m recording this conversation in my head to play it to you in a few years, when you’re nominated for an Oscar.”

“Keep dreaming Woody. Not gonna happen.”

I take one last deep puff of my joint before lighting it off in the ashtray. I close my eyes and try to stop Jennifer’s face from invading my thoughts. To be fair, she did look a little worried when she hugged me before I left the restaurant. Maybe she thought I had a bug or something. There was no way she could have guessed how sad the fact that her boyfriend was treating her like shit while I would always put her happiness first if she’d just let me was making me. As if he had guessed I was thinking about Jennifer again, Woody revives the conversation.

“I’m the one who told her she shouldn’t come here tonight,” he admits.

My eyes open up suddenly, wide as saucers.

“Why did you do that?”

“I sensed you needed a good talk and that she was part of the reason you weren’t feeling well,” he answers in a quiet voice.

“You were right.”

“Believe me when I say she cares about you a great deal,” he continues, not convincing me in the slightest. “Maybe not in the romantic way you’d hope for, but you’re dead wrong if you think she’ll let you go without a fight after that franchise is wrapped up.”

“I know there can never be more than friendship between us. I just don’t know how to forget her,” I sigh.

“Try to find someone else?”

“Maybe.”

I don’t know how I could have feelings for anyone else while Jen’s close presence is driving me crazy though, but I could try.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I was so excited to meet all the new cast, especially seasoned actors like Philip and Jena. This dinner has been a wonderful opportunity to get to know Philip and Francis a little better. Reflecting on it afterwards, I realize I’ve been talking all night long and barely let them place a word. Oh well, we’ll have a lot more occasions to exchange tips and funny anecdotes in the future.

I don’t notice right away that Josh isn’t his usual cheerful self. I’m so busy talking to Philip about the Toronto film festival that I only realize Josh is getting ready to leave when he calls the waiter for the bill. His face looks tired and sad, miles away from the joyful appearance he displayed a few hours ago. I frown and ask him if he is okay. He assures me he is just weary, but I know him better than that. There is something on his mind, something he clearly doesn’t want to tell me. I see him try to leave discreetly, but I’m having none of that. Before he can run away, I tighten my arms around him in a close embrace, trying to convey to him how glad I am that he’s here with me. How happy he makes me every time I find myself with him. How I often need his presence beside me to hold on to my sanity.

When he offers me to join him for a smoke at Woody’s place, I almost turn around to pick up my stuff right here and there and leave with him. But he looks like he needs some time to himself, so I let him go reluctantly.

When I walk back to the table, Woody glances at me with a questioning look.

“What did he tell you?” he asks.

“He invited me to your little pothead meeting,” I say, sitting back down in my chair.

“And what did you tell him?”

“I said I’d think about it.”

“Stay home tonight,” he advises. “He needs to clear his head, and I’m not sure you’re the right person to have around him right now.”

“Why?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

“I don’t know. Gut instincts.”

I sigh and take a bite out of my chicken salad, pondering over all of this. It’s not my Josh. He tells me everything. He’s always happy. He’s always joking around with everybody. So what happened to his mood tonight?

“Okay,” I let out a deep sigh. “I’ll stay at my place.”

 

* * *

 

As promised, Woody drives me back to Josh’s house so that I can retrieve my car. We spend almost the whole ride in silence. When he stops in the driveway, he turns to look at me with a serious expression.

“I’ll try to make him talk,” he assures me. “But don’t expect me to play the messenger between you two. He’ll talk to you if he wants to. Did you have a discussion about something that could have affected him in some way?”

“I really don’t know,” I reply with a sigh. “We spent part of the afternoon together and he was acting like his normal self. Happy, carefree, smiling. I’ve never seen the Josh that was sitting at our table tonight. You really think it could have something to do with me?”

“Did you discuss a disturbing subject or something?” he asks.

I look up and try to remember our conversation this afternoon. I realize there is a moment I felt his mood change quite a bit.

“I told him I may be moving to London with Nick next year,” I finally say. “I haven’t taken my decision yet though, and I don’t think it’s such a good idea, so I’m leaning towards saying no.”

“That’s it.”

“That’s it? Why would Josh care about where I live?”

“Or with whom,” he points out.

“You think Josh may be jealous of Nick?” I say in disbelief.  “That doesn’t make sense. He’s my best friend, he knows how important he is to me...”

“Does he?”

I look at Woody and frown.

“Of course, he does! You think he doesn’t?”

He bites his lip nervously.

“I think he may have some insecurities, yes.”

“You speak as if you knew him better than I do.”

He only answers with a smile. I finally open the door, say goodbye to Woody and walk to my own car. I shake my head to make the thoughts fade away from my mind for a little bit, but it’s useless. Woody’s words keep ringing in my ears. I think I’ll need to have a good talk with Josh, sooner rather than later.

 

* * *

 

I spend the whole night waiting for a sign of life from Josh. I don’t dare texting him, still pondering over Woody’s comments in his car. I drop on the couch, turn on the TV, flip through some channels, land on one of those disgusting reality shows where people show off their gross addictions - like eating the padding from their furniture or collecting dead rats or something - and let my mind wander.

The day had started off so well. Josh and I had fallen back into our old routine, or so it seemed. Looking back on it though, I should have realized something was off when I started talking about Nick and my possible move to London. There was a sadness in Josh’s eyes and voice that should have drawn my attention. Even when we stopped to shop, he wasn’t as cheerful as usual. I realize that in chatting almost exclusively with Philip and Francis throughout our dinner, I ended up leaving him out and actually made it worse.

“Oh, Josh...” I sigh to myself.

I take my phone on the coffee table and start typing out a text message.

JENNIFER: I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way tonight. I hope you’re okay. I miss you.

I hesitate before sending it out anyway. It doesn’t take long before the phone buzzes with an incoming message.

JOSH: I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. Keep your energy for important stuff. Miss you too.

I frown. Why do I sense there’s something left unsaid in his message? Maybe Woody was right after all, maybe he doesn’t realize how much he means to me. How much I long for him in my life. How much I love him, even if it’s just in a friendship way. I take the time to think about what to reply. Just as I start to type, the phone rings with an incoming call. As soon as I see Josh’s name on the caller ID, my face lights up with a huge smile.

“Hey, Josh,” I answer with a small voice.

“Hi. I thought I should apologize for the way I acted tonight. I’ve been a shitty friend. I’m sorry.”

“Josh, you have nothing to apologize for. I don’t know what I did wrong, but it obviously hurt you enough to ruin your night. I should be the one apologizing.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jen. Nothing,” he says softly.

“May I know what brought it up then?”

“I told you, I was tired.”

“Josh, you know I know you better than this. I know it wasn’t the only reason.”

“Well, I may have felt left alone a little bit, but it’s not your fault at all so please, stop worrying about that,” he pleads. “You have more important things to focus on than being responsible for me enjoying myself or not.”

His sad voice makes something break inside me.

“I’m so sorry Josh, I didn’t mean to leave you out-“

“I told you, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” he interrupts me with a sigh. “You had important matters to discuss with Francis and you share things in common with Philip that I will never know by myself, so you should treasure these moments with them.”

“But I missed you all night, Josh...”

“Jen... don’t play that game with me, please.”

I frown. What is he talking about?

“What game?”

“I told you, you’re not responsible for my own well-being. You can admit you enjoyed yourself even if I didn’t. “

He almost adds something more, but he stops after I hear him take a loud breath. I decide to change the subject.

“Did you have fun with Woody?”

“He had nice weed. You should try it next time.” His voice sounds devoid of any emotion.

“I sure will.”

He doesn’t answer for a moment. The silence is making me uncomfortable.

“Next time, we’ll both be there. We’ll share it and have fun together. Like we used to,” I finally say.

“If you want. Well, I’m really tired so I’ll go to sleep. Good night, Jen. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Josh. See you tomorrow.”

He hangs up before I have the time to spit out those three words that burned on my lips, those words that it was better I didn’t get out anyway as he probably would mistake their meaning for something else. _I love you_.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Josh’s POV**

It doesn’t take long for guilt to kick in after I hang up with Jennifer. At least, I’m relieved I had enough good sense to drop it before I could add something more and dig my hole a little deeper. Now, she thinks she has done something to hurt me... it wasn’t supposed to go this way. It’s not her fault I’m more into her than she is into me. It’s not her fault the thought of losing her makes me so miserable.

Woody is right. The only way I will ever move on is by finding someone else to take my attention off her. I sigh as I keep staring at my phone. For now, I can only try to be the best friend I’ve always been to her and let her take her decision on her own. I decide I’ll stop being a shitty friend, accept my rightful place and try to find pride in my own accomplishments. So what, if I’m never an A-lister like her? As long as I have friends, a rooftop over my head, interesting projects to tackle on, a supporting family, I should be happy. With time, I should be able to shut for good that little voice at the back of my head that keeps repeating over and over again that I need Jennifer Lawrence close to me to be truly happy.

I won’t live for her. I’ll find a way to enjoy my life even if she doesn’t care to keep me in hers.

When I came back from Woody’s place, I found a note that I had missed earlier on the kitchen counter. Andre was informing me that he would be gone for the night, wink included. I let out a small sarcastic laugh, thinking how he must have figured I would spend the night with Jennifer here and would probably appreciate some privacy.

“If you knew, buddy...” I whisper, tossing the paper in the recycle bin.

I see Driver asleep in a corner of the living room. I figure I should do the same and head for my bedroom to get ready to sleep. I take a hot shower, trying to get rid of those thoughts that keep plaguing my mind: how I shouldn’t long for my best friend’s affections, how I shouldn’t act wounded because she may move far away from me, how I shouldn’t keep that dream alive...

Maybe a good night of sleep will help me put my mind off these things.

 

* * *

 

The buzz of my phone’s notification sound wakes me from my deep sleep. With my eyes barely open, I grab the device and look at the ID. It’s Angie, my publicist. She’s probably sending me my schedule for the day. I only know I have a photo shoot with Jennifer in the afternoon.

ANGIE: Wake up, boy! You need to be at the studio at 10 for a production meeting. You’ll have lunch after and a photo shoot with Jennifer at 1 pm. I’m picking you up in an hour. Be ready!

I sigh, put the phone back on the nightstand and reluctantly start to get up. I had a surprisingly good sleep despite the mess that was the day before. I sit on the edge of the bed, running my hand over my face, thinking back about everything I did wrong yesterday. My reaction when Jen told me she may be moving overseas. My avoidant behavior during the dinner with the guys. My conversation with Woody in his motorhome. My phone call with Jen, that didn’t help things at all.

“Time to start things off anew, Josh,” I say to myself, finally finding the courage to leave the bed and pick a black t-shirt, clean underwear and casual jeans from the drawers. As soon as I’m dressed, Andre knocks on my door. I tell him to come in. He looks at me with a huge smile, but he frowns when he notices my tired expression.

“Woah, what happened last night? I wondered why you were already in bed when I came in, are you sick?”

“No, I’m okay,” I shrug. “Let’s just say I’ve had lots of things on my mind.”

“Your reunion with Jennifer didn’t go as planned?”

“Sort of,” I reply, putting my phone in my jeans pocket.

“Geez, Josh. You’re not helping me here at all. What happened?”

I sigh and make my way to the kitchen.

“I’m hungry. Let’s have breakfast,” I reply dryly. “I’ll tell you everything then. I just need my cup of coffee and peanut butter toasts.”

He follows me to the kitchen and pours us two cups of coffee while I prepare the bread. I sense his curiosity, but he doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to tackle the subject by myself. I turn to him while I’m waiting for the slices of bread to toast.

“I’m acting like a jerk, that’s the problem Andre,” I let out in a low voice.

“Is it about Jennifer? Let me guess... you still have feelings for her and you can’t keep it for yourself anymore?” He says with a wicked smile while fetching the peanut butter jar from the cupboard.

I glare at him.

“Of course, not. Well, it has to do with Jen... yes I still have feelings for her, but I don’t think she knows that. I don’t want her to know. Anyway, I’ll forget her. She’s still very much in love with her British jerk... sorry, you know why I don’t like him.”

“Vic,” he replies, raising his eyebrows in a knowing expression.

“Yes, Vic,” I look down. “Anyway, she’s so in love with him, she’s about to move with him in England.”

Andre’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Is she crazy or what?” he exclaims. “That would be a total career killer.”

“I know. But she loves him, so she’ll want to please him.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“No,” I admit. “But I know her. And love makes you do crazy things sometimes.”

That’s one thing I know of firsthand. I know I haven’t been my normal self since I saw her again yesterday.

“Wait and see,” he says, taking the coffee mugs to the table. “But what’s the matter with you?”

“I may have overreacted a bit. And then I went on a downward spiral of insecurities.”

He walks back to the counter and rests his elbows on the surface, staring at me.

“You talked about that with Jen?” he asks in a kind voice.

“Not everything,” I answer, taking plates from the cupboard before returning my gaze on Andre. “She knows I fear for our friendship if she moves out, but she’s not the one I discussed my insecurities with. I shared some pot with Woody. At least now I know why I was feeling like shit.”

“And why was it?”

“It’s stupid,” I say, looking away.

He sighs and looks at me expectantly. The toasts pop out of the toaster at that moment. I quickly get them out, drop them on the plates, pick up mine and go sit at the table. Andre picks up his own plate along with the peanut butter jar and joins me soon after. As I spread the peanut butter on my toasts, I reveal most of the things I discussed with Woody last night, from my fears about getting leading roles despite my height to my worries that Jen will drop me as a friend because I’m out of her league. When I’m done, he shakes his head, sadly.

“Josh... why don’t you move on from her? Obviously, she’ll never be able to give you what you want. If she’s too self-sufficient to see how an amazing friend you can be for her, just let her go. You don’t need that kind of relationship in your life. You’re a respected actor in Hollywood. I’m sure you’ll still get plenty of nice roles. I don’t see why you should put yourself down like that. And if she leaves and doesn’t keep in touch with you... well, I’m sorry for saying that Josh, I really am. But maybe it would be a blessing in disguise.”

I look down, trying to hide my emotions from my friend. I know he’s right, yet I cannot seem to make the final move to withdraw from her. I know the more I see her, the deeper my feelings will become and the harder it will be to get over her.

“The thing is, she’s such a good friend, Andre,” I sigh. “Romantic feelings aside, I love spending time with her. We have so much fun together on set, off set. No one makes me laugh like she does. I would miss her friendship so much if she left... but I know I have to let her take the decision on her own. I can’t help but be angry at Nick as well, but I have to keep it for myself.”

“Do you think it will be awkward when you see her again this afternoon?” He asks, taking a bite out of his toast.

I take a sip of my coffee.

“I don’t think so. She thinks she hurt me because she wasn’t paying attention to me at all last night. It wasn’t the fact that she wasn’t talking to me that hurt me, it was that I realized I would always be a lesser actor, I would never belong in her world.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he frowns. “I’ve never heard you talk about yourself like that. You’ve always been confident and believed in your dreams. What changed?”

I purse my lips before recounting him what I told Woody last night about the auditions I lost because of my appearance. He’s quick to dismiss my concerns.

“It’s just a phase. You’re in that awkward transition period between kiddie roles and adult roles. All child actors who make it successfully into adulthood career go through that. Don’t compare yourself to Jen, she’s an exception.”

“I know.”

“So, forget about all this stuff, go to your meeting and photo shoot, enjoy your time with the great Jennifer Lawrence and stop moping around like a lost puppy. You’re a man now, start acting like one. You’re a better actor than that.”

“Thanks, Andre,” I smile. “I’m so glad you made the trip with me here.”

“Your mom wouldn’t have let you leave without her if I didn’t come with you,” he jokes. “That was the condition.”

I smile wider and quickly finish my breakfast. Angie should be here in a few minutes.

 

* * *

 

“It’s a bit tight in the chest area.”

“You bulked up more than you were supposed to, Josh,” Trish, the head costume designer, says with a smile. “I’m gonna have to do touch-ups to all of your costumes!”

“Well, maybe not all of them?” I say, tugging on the fabric of my shirt a little. “Didn’t you design some a little looser?”

“Yes, I did. It may look better than I thought,” she smiles brightly. “We’ll see when you try them on.”

I’m standing in the wardrobe warehouse with Trish, dressing in my training costume for the last time before shooting begins tomorrow. That was the “production meeting” Angie was talking about. Until lunchtime, I still have a few more outfits to get into, those that we’ll use in filming the next few scenes that take place in District 12. There are a few more actors here as well, but they are mostly the stunt people I don’t know yet.

“Woah, Josh, I didn’t know you were sexy like that!”

I turn around and smile, recognizing instantly Sam’s thick British accent. He’s walking to me with a huge smile and he hugs me tightly upon reaching me.

“I’m so happy we’re finally getting to work together, man,” he adds, patting my back. “I missed you so much!”

I chuckle. I met Sam a few weeks ago, when we trained together in preparation for the movie. It clicked between us right away; I’ve counted him as one of my best friends ever since.

“I didn’t miss you at all,” I jokingly reply. “Didn’t you have lots of business to take care of with your fiancée?”

“Like, organizing a wedding?”

“Nah, I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about more... you know...  sexy time stuff!”

“Oh, that! I thought about you every time,” he winks and giggles.

I roll my eyes and smile. Trish comes back with Sam’s costume.

“There you go, playboy,” she says, handing him the hanger. “I’ll take Josh’s new measurements while you go put that on.”

Sam takes his costume, winks at me and disappears in the makeshift dressing room. Trish takes her measuring tape and writes the numbers down on a sheet of paper.

“Ok, now you go try this one,” she says while taking a hanger from the rack beside her. It’s dark jeans, a red button-down shirt and a blue hoodie sweater.

“Your Reaping costume,” she says with a wink.

I smile. Before I can turn around, I sense a presence behind me and hear a familiar feminine voice speaking low in my ear.

“Mmmm, you look very good in that outfit.”

I try to hide the shiver that goes through my body at the sensation of her voice so close to my skin. I gulp and close my eyes, trying to stop the blood from flowing to my groin. Then, I turn around slowly, manage to transform my flushed expression into an indifferent one and smirk at her.

“You don’t mean a word you say,” I shake my head.

“Oh, really? And how would you know that? You were quick to accept Sam’s compliments though. I heard him call you sexy... I can’t say I disagree with him on this one,” she adds with a smile. “We’re okay?”

I open my arms to her. She hugs me closely and runs her hands on my back in a soothing gesture.

“We’re always okay, Jen,” I whisper. “Don’t worry about that.”

 

* * *

 

The other costumes end up fitting to Trish’s liking, so they don’t require any more alterations. She’s keeping the wetsuits’ last fittings for closer to the shooting of the arena scenes. Most of them will take place in Hawaii, but they’re supposed to build the Cornucopia set in the middle of a public lake, here in Atlanta. We still have a few weeks to go before we film these scenes, though.

I was too busy to see most of Jen’s costumes, but the few I saw were breathtaking. She’s absolutely gorgeous, even in those plain-looking District 12 outfits. She’s going to be radiant on screen, as usual.

The last outfits we try on are the chariot costumes. They’re both black, sleeveless, and designed to put the emphasis on our chests. When I come out of the dressing room, Jennifer, who has already put on her costume, turns around and I’m left breathless. She’s so beautiful, even without the matching make-up and hairstyle. We look at each other for a few seconds, a large smile on our faces, and turn to Trish, who’s smiling even wider.

“What do you think?” Jen says, walking the few steps that separate us, putting her arm around my body and pulling me into her side. My own arm curls reflexively around her waist and I pull her in closer to me.

“You both look amazing,” Trish proudly says.

I turn to Jen and take her in. Even without the CGI effects, she looks like she is on fire.

“Oh, don’t give me too much credit,” I joke. “She’s the pretty one. Everyone will be stuck on her. No one will notice me.”

“Josh!” Jen says with a false look of shock on her face. “Don’t you remember all those fangirls swooning over you at the premieres and mall tour stops last winter? They’ll be drooling all over their theater seats when they see you in that movie, I swear.”

She looks me up and down with a smile, then whispers in my ear.

“I know I’d probably wet my panties if I saw you looking like that on a big screen.”

I turn to her and lift an eyebrow, in a “Really?” kind of way. She laughs. Oh, how I love hearing that sound. I sigh and turn to Trish.

“So, we’re done with this one?” I ask.

“Yes, you can both go change. You’re done for today.”

Before Jen can make her way to her dressing room, I take her hand and lead her to a deserted corner.

“What was that?” I hiss.

“What was what?”

She looks genuinely confused.

“The flirting...”

“We’ve always played around like that. Does it make you uncomfortable?”

I want to scream that yes, it does make me uncomfortable. Because it keeps my hopes up, even though I know it’s an innocent game for her. I have to keep repeating to myself that I’ll only ever be a friend to her, nothing more. I frown and find a good excuse for my question.

“Of course not,” I sigh. “I know you mean nothing by that. But not everyone around us know what our relationship is like. They could get the wrong impression, you know?”

“You’ve never cared about that before,” she remarks.

“Well, you weren’t that famous when we filmed the first movie. You weren’t as likely to end up on the cover of the gossip rags. I’m not worried for myself, I’m thinking about you, now. I know how you hate the paps and intrusions in your private life. Don’t give them fodder for their cannon, you know.”

She doesn’t answer right away. I recognize her expression as the one she takes when she’s thinking hard about something. Her face takes on that concentrated look, with her forehead wrinkling and her eyes sparkling. Except, this time, her eyes also show a bit of sadness. I don’t understand why. She finally replies in a soft voice.

“I love... having fun with you. I don’t wanna hold myself up in fear. They would win, you know? They would succeed in having that effect on me. I don’t wanna give them that. But I see what you mean.”

“I’m mostly concerned about all those extras,” I point out, staring at her eyes in what I can only hope is a convincing expression. “The professionals... we know them for the most part, they won’t be tempted to start rumors about us. But those people who don’t know us...”

“You’re right,” she says, looking down. “I’ll be more careful.”

Before she turns around, I take her hand again and bring her closer to me.

“Hey...“ I whisper softly. “We’ll have plenty of time together. On closed sets, in our trailer... in private?”

She nods and smiles. I return her smile, let go of her hand and head towards my own dressing room. As soon as I close the door behind me, I turn around, drop my forehead on the wall and let the tears flow. She really has no idea the effect she can have on me.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

My first thought, when I woke up this morning, was Josh. I instantly replayed our conversation in my mind, from his sad tone to my burning desire to tell him how much I loved him. I desperately want to know what’s bugging him so much. If it’s about me possibly moving out with Nick in England, I should be able to reassure him pretty easily. I really have no intention of leaving America at that point in my career. Maybe there is something else weighing on his mind, perhaps even something not related to me at all. I have to trust Woody; he’ll talk to me when he feels the need to.

I get ready for the costume fitting session I have in a few minutes by eating my breakfast, dressing up casually with the first pair of jeans and shirt I find in my drawers, quickly brushing my teeth and hair and grabbing my purse on the kitchen counter. As if on cue, Liz, my publicist, turns in my driveway as soon as I leave the house and lock the door behind me.

She drives me to the warehouse where they’re storing all the costumes for the Atlanta part of the shoot. There, I’m supposed to meet with Trish. As soon as I enter the room, I start looking for my favorite costar. I don’t see him at first in the sea of costumes, extras and crew members filling the place. Liz guides me to an area marked with “CAST” signs. When I finally see him, my heart stops.

He’s so striking in his training costume, his arm, shoulder and chest muscles straining tightly against the fabric. When I reach him, I can’t help but compliment him on his look. He slowly turns around and sadly, quickly dismisses my comment. I wish he could see that I’m serious, this time, but he’s so used to me joking around that he can’t see I truly mean what I say. I then remember the awkwardness that punctuated our last conversation on the phone last night, and want to confirm it’s all behind us. So when he opens up his arms, I make sure to hug him tightly, hoping to make him understand how much he means to me. I don’t question the fluttering I feel in my stomach when his arms close around my waist. He’s always had that kind of effect on me. That’s why our friendship is so strong.

 

* * *

 

Trish makes me try on a few more outfits before handing the chariots scene costumes to Josh and I. I sigh, already tired of putting on and removing clothes back and forth. At least, it’s the last one. This one is more form-fitting than the other ones, but the fabric is a bit stretchy so it’s not uncomfortable at all. Josh isn’t finished putting it on when I come out of my room. Trish smiles at me.

“It looks pretty good, don’t you think?” she asks with a wink.

“It’s amazing!”

I see Trish’s eyes peek over my shoulder and I turn around. Josh is standing shyly in front of the door, his eyes roaming my body up and down in an awestruck expression. I can’t help but check him out myself. He’s so handsome. He takes a few steps and I meet him in the middle, taking a pose for Trish. She approves the look of the costumes. Josh turns to me with a smile that makes my heart beat faster. Somehow, I love seeing that appreciative look in his eyes. 

Just when I think he’s starting to realize how gorgeous he is, he lets out another comment to put himself down. I can’t help but argue with him about that, even going so far as jokingly hinting at the effect he has on me. He doesn’t reply, only forcing a fake smile to go along a sarcastic look.

After Trish gives us the permission to change back to our personal clothes, Josh leads me away before I can walk in the dressing room. At first, I don’t understand his reaction to my playful flirting. We’ve always acted that way, why is it suddenly a problem? I realize his arguments make sense, but at the same time, his hesitation before answering my questions make me wonder if there isn’t something else prompting this. In the end, I shrug it off and latch myself to the idea that we’ll have our chemistry back on set and in our free time together.

 

* * *

 

“Can I have a bite? Please, Josh?”

He smiles at me and slides his plate towards me so that I can take some of his meal. He has ordered some kind of pasta with a delicious-looking pesto sauce. In return, I offer him some of my grilled chicken. He doesn’t even need to ask; I tell him with my eyes to take it. He shoves a bite in his mouth and moans.

“Mmmm, I really should have ordered that instead of the pasta. But I was so tired of that chicken breast and asparagus diet that just seeing the word ‘chicken’ on the menu makes me want to puke!” he says with a laugh.

“Hey, the pasta is good too,“ I say after I swallow my own bite.

We’re having lunch before leaving for the photo shoot. I’m sitting next to Josh with both our publicists in deep conversation in front of us, paying no attention to us sharing our plates.

“Do you think we’ll be done early with the photo shoot?” I ask.

“I have no idea,” he says with a shrug. “Angie only told me we had a photo shoot at 1 pm. It must be for a poster, since there’s no interview and we’re the only ones scheduled apparently.”

“We should be out early then. Wanna hang out at my place afterwards?”

“Sure,” he smiles.

 

* * *

 

When we enter the studio, some marketing guy greets us and leads us to our dressing rooms. The hair and make-up crew braid my hair and fix my make-up, before asking me to put on a simple white dress for the shoot. When I come out of the room, I see Josh waiting for me in front of a green screen, wearing a white button-down shirt with grey pants. Someone hands me a bouquet of white roses and asks me to join Josh in front of the screen. I take the spot assigned for me, while Josh places himself behind me. Although my back barely touches his chest, it’s like an electric current passes from his body to mine. I feel a pleasant burst of warmth engulf my whole being, and I have to hold myself back from leaning more into Josh’s solid body. We are told to look in a specific direction, and as Josh slowly turns his head, bringing his face closer to mine, he whispers in my ear.

 “You look gorgeous.”

I have to hide a smile because we are supposed to show neutral expressions.

“Thank you,” I whisper back to him.

In between the shots, I dare turn around a little bit to take a look at him.

“You’re not looking bad yourself, Hutcherson.”

He smiles and shakes his head.

“I think they did a good work with my sorry face.”

I look at his eyes and see a glimpse of sadness in them.

“Josh...”

“Take your place, they’re ready to start again.”

He gently grabs my hips to replace me in the correct position, then he lets go because he’s supposed to have his arms loose behind my back. The photographer stands still for a moment, scrutinizing us with a concentrated look. He finally asks Josh to back off from me a little bit and explains we were standing too close to each other for what he was picturing in his head. After that, it doesn’t take long before the photographer is satisfied with the shots and we can go change back into our own clothes. Before leaving the set, Josh turns to me.

“See you at your place at 6? I’ll bring something to eat.”

“Yeah, sure,” I smile warmly. “See you later.”

He finally gives me a genuine smile before heading for his dressing room. Liz meets me and realizes I haven’t stopped staring at him.

“If I didn’t know how much you love Nick, I’d think you’re starting to have serious feelings for this boy,” she points out with a smile.

“Josh? Oh, no, he’s just a friend. I’m just worried for him, is all. He’s been acting a little strange since yesterday.”

Liz doesn’t answer, instead following my gaze to Josh, who is talking to his publicist outside his dressing room.

“Anyway,” I add, “he tells me everything, so I guess it’s only a matter of time before he tells me what’s truly bugging him.”

“Maybe.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Josh’s POV**

I know I’m walking on a fine line when it comes to flirting with Jen. It’s always been a sort of game for us, a way to just have fun together, as very good friends, nothing more. I have no idea how comfortable – or rather likely, uncomfortable – Nick is with my close friendship with his girlfriend, but I know Jen has always seemed to enjoy our proximity, so I don’t really care about what he may think. When I decided to start off anew this morning, in my mind, it included going back to our friendly flirting ways, which is why I allowed myself to play that game with Jen. Reflecting on it on my way home – Angie is driving me since she picked me up this morning - I’m not sure it was that good of an idea, as it’s tearing my heart apart. But I don’t want to give up the friendship I’ve built with her because of some stupid unrequited crush. Surely, I’m strong enough to put my feelings aside and act like I don’t feel a sort of electric current go through my whole body every time she touches me? Maybe if I overexpose myself to her, I’ll desensitise myself to her charm. I’m probably being delusional, but it’s the best thing to try at the moment.

“What’s on your mind?” Angie suddenly brings me out of my thoughts.

“Nothing important,” I reply with a sigh.

“I saw the way you were looking at Jennifer during that photo shoot...”

“Not you, too.” I grit my teeth.

I turn my gaze towards the window so that she doesn’t catch the exasperated look in my eyes. I’m not in the mood for another lecture, another “she’s got a boyfriend, move on” pep talk. I know all of this. I just can’t help the way I’m feeling, is that so hard to understand? I’m mature and respectful enough to avoid trying to seduce her – because of her boyfriend, obviously – but I just can’t control my emotions that way. It’s even harder since I can’t really avoid her; we’ll be attached at the hip for the next four months. It’s pretty scary when I stop to think about it.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna scold you or anything,” she says, as if she had read my thoughts. I turn to her and heave a sigh.

“Thank you, I appreciate it. I have enough of my own self-shaming thoughts, no need to add more.”

She remains silent for a while, but a small smile on her lips hints at the happy thoughts she looks lost deep in.

“I was once in love with a guy who was dating another girl,” she finally confesses.

I frown.

“What happened?”

“I married him.”

I let out a chuckle and shake my head. She glances at me briefly, her smile still lighting up her face.

“Yeah, right. That helps me a lot, thank you. I’m glad for you it worked out that way. This is not gonna happen for me unfortunately.”

“You never know,” she says in a soft voice.

“Yeah, you really think she’s gonna ditch Tall, British and Handsome for a little midget redneck like me? Seriously?”

She doesn’t answer right away. We have reached my place, so she turns in the driveway, parks the car and stares at me with a serious expression.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re putting yourself down like that-“

“I’m just being realistic,” I interrupt her, starting to get a bit annoyed. “Why are you trying to get my hopes up? It’s useless. She’ll never see me as more than her best friend. And you know what, it’s better that way because she has a boyfriend whom she’s madly in love with. I’m not gonna start secretly hoping for them to break up-“

“That’s not what I’m saying Josh. Of course, you want her to be happy. But I wish you could find happiness too.”

I sigh.

“She might be moving to England in a few months,” I finally let out, distractedly looking far off in the distance. “That’s what’s been putting me down these days. Happy, now? I’m not depressed because I’m some stupid lovesick puppy who’s pining after his best friend, okay? I have lots of friends, but what I have with Jen is special. I value that friendship more than most of my other relationships so that’s why it’s hitting harder. “

“Well, I just wanted to make you realize that truth is not always as obvious to figure out as it seems.”

I turn my head to stare at her with a puzzled expression.

“What do you mean?”

She smiles, as if she was remembering a story. I look at her expectantly as I wait for her to clarify her statement.

“When I met my husband, he was dating this gorgeous girl,” she starts, her eyes brightening up with the memories. “At first, I tried to resist my attraction to him, but in the end, when we became friends, it was clear my feelings for him ran much deeper than normal friendship. I decided to do the same thing you did, try to settle for a platonic friendship even though my heart ached for more. He looked so in love with his girlfriend. But I was oblivious. As much as I was falling in love with him, he was falling in love with me as well. He stayed with his girlfriend for a while because they had been together for a few years and they were comfortable in the relationship.”

“Did he cheat on her?” I ask with a frown.

“Never. All that time he was with his girlfriend, I thought he had no special feelings for me whatsoever. It turned out he was fighting his attraction to me as well, and he eventually realized he couldn’t go on with his girlfriend while his heart was somewhere else. So he broke up, told me he loved me, and here we are, fourteen years later, married and still very much in love.”

“That’s a beautiful story.” I finally manage a small smile.

She grins and nods slightly.

“I’m not saying Jen is hiding some secret feelings for you. I’m not telling you to keep your hopes up either. I’m just saying, make sure you pay attention to more than just the _façade_ of things. Walk in deeper before assessing the situation.”

Her words resonate in my brain. It’s true that I may be quick to judge things, but at the same time, this is a defense mechanism on which I rely a lot to protect myself. And considering how many times I’ve been either used or stabbed in the back in the past, it’s proved to be an invaluable strategy. Before I can answer, she surprises me by adding some more thoughts.

“And if you think your friendship doesn’t matter to her, you’re totally wrong. It’s obvious she cares a lot about you. She lights up like a Christmas tree when she sees you. So even if she considers moving to London, I think you may very well be a factor in her decision to stay. Don’t underestimate your importance in her life, Josh.”

I nod, although I’m still not convinced she’s right about that. After all, she didn’t make any effort to see me last summer, even though neither of us was filming at the time. I hold back a sarcastic laugh when I realize why she couldn’t see me. She spent almost all her free time in Africa with her boyfriend, who was shooting a movie there. She did send me a lone text now and again, but she proved right there and then that she doesn’t need me in her life. But I can’t tell that to Angie, or she’ll find another way to twist the reality in order to try to cheer me up.

She gives me a warm smile. I place my hand on the car handle and turn to her.

“Thanks, Angie, for sharing your story with me.”

“You’re welcome,” she says, lightly tapping my arm with her hand in a comforting manner. “You’re an amazing young man, Josh. And believe me when I say she knows it too.”

“I will,” I reply. And I’m not lying; I will try to believe it.

I finally exit the car, make my way to the house and am greeted by an overly-excited Driver. He jumps towards me and I pet him on the head.

“Here, boy, you missed me, huh? “

“Let’s bring him on set with us tomorrow,” Andre, who’s just appeared at the end of the hallway, suggests. “I’ll keep an eye on him while you’re busy filming.”

“Sure, why not?”

“How did it go?”

“Pretty uneventful I’d say. But it was fun. We tried on costumes and they took photos for some sort of Victory Tour propaganda poster. I think it’s gonna look pretty cool.”

Andre shakes his head with a smile.

“I didn’t mean work, Josh! What about Jen?”

“What, what about Jen? We’re just coworkers...”

“Coworkers who spend a lot of time together off set...” Andre implies with a smirk.

“And just friends,” I insist, meeting him in the hallway. “But I’m not gonna lie, she’s gonna be gorgeous in this movie. We had fun together. Almost like when we filmed the first one.”

Maybe it won’t be that hard to get her back to best friend status and not potential lover, after all. It used to be easy to hang around her without getting my bubbling romantic feelings for her get in the way of our friendship.

“You seem happier than this morning,” he remarks.

“Well, I tend to be more negative when I’m tired. Maybe that was the matter.” I know it wasn’t the sole reason, but I don’t care. I’m tired of arguing about this.

I head for the bathroom to take a shower before getting ready for my night at Jen’s place. Andre interrupts me before I can close the bathroom door.

“Are you on a date tonight?”

I roll my eyes.

“I haven’t been in Atlanta long enough to get contacts for a hookup, Andre. Besides, I would have asked you to leave the fuck out of this place for the night had it been the case. No, I’m hanging out with Jen tonight. My friend Jen.”

The friend who gives me goosebumps when she barely touches my skin. The friend who makes my heart race whenever I see her, even miles away. The friend for whom I’d like to be so much more, but who will always be just that, a friend. The friend I can’t afford to lose right now.

 

* * *

 

The drive to Jen’s temporary home takes only a few minutes. On my way there, I stop at a fast-food restaurant and pick up burgers and fries for our dinner together. We’ve had so many of those “on the fly” dinners while we filmed the first movie that I know what she likes now. When I reach her place, I don’t even need to knock before she opens the door and quickly ushers me inside.

“Just in case there are paps here,” she says with a smile.

“They’re probably here already,” I reply, walking to the kitchen and putting the bags on the counter. “They just haven’t figured out yet where we’re staying.”

“They better never figure it out. I wanna be able to spend time with you without sparking rumors.”

I turn to her and she gives me a big bear hug. I breathe her in, before reluctantly letting go.

“I don’t wanna have to stay away from you either,” I say softly. “I know we’ll spend a lot of time together on set, but it’s not the same.”

“I know.”

She stares at me for a moment. I think I might hallucinate a twinkle in her eye.

“I got you a cheeseburger with no sauce and a small order of fries, am I spot on or did you get fancier in the last few months?”

“Me, fancy? I’m the most boring girl ever. You got it right, Josh. How did you know I was craving burgers tonight?”

“I thought you may be getting bored of the 100% healthy diet bullshit.”

She smiles brightly at me and winks before opening the fridge to fetch us some drinks. I can’t help but gaze at her profile. She’s wearing a loose grey tank top with black leggings. Her dark brown hair flows over her shoulders in waves, still hinting at the side-braid she wore at work today. I turn my stare to the food before she can notice I’m checking her out. I take two plates from the cupboard and empty the contents of the bags on them before turning to Jen, who’s grabbed two beers out of the fridge. She gestures to the living room.

“I’m starving, let’s go eat.”

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I feel like I really needed that night of hanging out alone with Josh to reconnect with him. Even though we spent several months apart, he’s always had a prominent place in some part of my mind and I can’t picture myself without him in my life anymore. He’s like a breath of fresh air in the madness that has become my life since the first movie came out. He’s the rock that grounds me to my roots. He’s the light that warms me up when I need comfort. So I really want to make sure everything is fine between us.

I also have to admit that I immensely enjoy his presence here with me.

Josh places his beer on the side coffee table and sits on the couch. I put mine on the front table and sit next to him, using my free hand to reach for the remote and flip through channels until I find Lifetime. Josh laughs when he recognizes the show that’s playing.

“ _Dance moms_? Really, Jen?”

“It’s my guilty pleasure. Shhhhh,” I put a finger on my lips, playfully asking him to keep the secret.

“Oh, okay...” he smirks.

“You have no room to judge my poor taste in TV shows. I know you watch _Gigolos_ on a regular basis.”

“Busted,” he chuckles.

I put the remote back on the table and grab my plate. Josh has already devoured half of his burger and is working hard at quieting his laughter. I turn my attention to the TV while I start eating my fries. Josh doesn’t say a word, too busy with his food.

“I didn’t think I’d see the day you were hungrier than me,” I remark.

He swallows before answering with a huge smile.

“It’s just so good! I guess I had enough of the diet too.”

“You’re gonna have to burn that at the gym.” I tease him before taking a huge bite out of my burger.

“Will you go with me? Please, Jennifer...”

I pretend to think about it. Josh stares at me with his irresistible puppy eyes.

“I guess I don’t have much of a choice...”

“Awww, thank you!” he replies with a fake relieved face. “I’m so bored when I have to go there all by myself... not like there’s anybody interesting enough to hang out with over there.”

“Not even that random British guy? What’s his name again? Sam Caflin? Clafin? Oh, Claflin!”

He pretends to frown.

“Are you jealous, Jen?”

“Of course not!” I exclaim, maybe a little too enthusiastically.

The truth is that yes, I’m a bit jealous of the man who’s starting to take all of my best friend’s attention away from me. But I’m not about to reveal this to Josh; it could give him the wrong idea.

I stare at his bright eyes for a moment. It’s like he can read through me, all the way to the core of my soul. It’s almost scary how well he knows me. Sometimes, I even think he knows me better than Nick does. Obviously, in some areas, he’ll never know me as well as Nick does, but in the case of most of my personality traits, he’s incredibly perceptive and he has a remarkable memory. For instance, Nick wouldn’t have remembered to order my cheeseburger without the sauce. Heck, I think he would have gone with a sure bet and ordered me a salad, just in case I was still “dieting” to get in shape. I don’t like using that word, as I will never diet to lose weight for a role, but I do take on a more balanced diet before a shoot just so it’s easier to get in shape at the gym. But as soon as I can go off it, I’ll gladly eat whatever I want.

I take a huge gulp out of my beer and turn my eyes back to the screen. Josh is done with his burger and is picking at his fries. I take a bite out of my own burger and moan; it’s been a few weeks since I had this stuff and it tastes so good.

I think I could talk about food all day. I sense Josh’s eyes on my face and turn towards him.

“What?” I ask, a little bit teased.

“Nothing. I like to watch you eat. It’s like it gives you an orgasm or something.”

“That’s called having a foodgasm. You’ve never experienced that? Do you need me to take your V-card or what?”

“No, thanks, I lost my V-card a long time ago!”

I shake my head with a smile.

“I’m talking about foodgasm, you dirty bastard. You have to taste the cupcakes at that place in Blue Ridge, what’s the name again...”

I pause to remember the name of the cupcake bakery I stopped by one time.

“The Sweet Shoppe, yeah, that’s the name of the bakery,” I recall with a smile. “They’re just fucking amazing.”

“You know I’m a sweet guy,” he winks.

“I know! I know you enjoy the sweet stuff, so you’ll love them.”

He grins and turns his attention back to the show. We both eat in silence for a while. When Josh is done with his fries, I pick up our plates and bring them back to the kitchen. When I come back, Josh looks at me with a strange expression. I sit next to him a little closer and finally drop my head on his shoulder, just like I’ve done a million times in the past. This time, though, I sense a kind of comfort I’ve never felt before with him. He dares delicately drop his head on top of mine, and I finally feel as if I’ve got my best friend back.

I dare ask what’s been burning me for hours.

“What’s wrong, Josh?” I whisper.

I feel him stiffen a little bit, but he doesn’t move an inch at first. He eventually sighs and lifts his head to look at me in the eyes. I raise my own head to hold his gaze, my face only inches from his. I realize my heart is beating faster in my chest, due to the fear I have that he’ll go back to his saddened state. He finally speaks in a low voice.

“It’s ridiculous.” He passes a hand through his blond hair, messing it up anxiously.

“No, it’s not. There’s clearly something bugging you. I wanna help you.”

I sense his hesitation before he finally lets it out.

“I’m afraid of losing you.”

He bends over and hides his face in his hands. I rub his back with my hand in a soothing manner.

“Why would you lose me?”

He dares to lift his face in my direction, but he can’t hold my gaze for long. I see he’s holding back tears and trying very hard to keep a straight voice.

“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to influence your decision. I trust you. But you want to know the truth.”

“I do,” I reply softly.

“The truth is, if you move to London, we’ll probably go back to being mere acquaintances,” he explains. “Oh, not right now, because after filming _Catching Fire_ , we still have promo to do together and another long shoot for the _Mockingjay_ movies, but after the last one is out, and you’re living on another continent, you’ll be too far and too busy to hang out with me anymore. And I’ll lose you. And the other truth is that I don’t wanna lose you, Jen.”

He finally looks at me in the eyes. His own are glassy, but he still won’t let the tears flow. My heart gets heavy. Without thinking, I put my arms around him and hug him tightly.

“Josh... I don’t have any intention of leaving L.A. right now. Not now, not in the next few years either. My life is here, my career is here, my friends are here-“

“But Nick is in London,” he whispers sadly, his breath on my neck making me shiver.

I loosen my embrace to see his face. He’s looking surprisingly serene given the situation he’s envisioning.

“Yes. And he’s been there for 23 years, the last two dating me, and it has never been that much of a problem. He’ll come around.”

He detaches himself from my embrace and sighs.

“One day, maybe soon, you’ll start thinking about your future. Not your future movies, your future life. Getting married, starting a family. Settling down. Will you really want to raise your kids in the crazy world that is Hollywood, when you could much more easily bring them up in a place as quiet as London? You said yourself many times how much you loved the city. Nick is giving you that opportunity. That would be a good choice for you to enjoy your future.”

When he’s done with his monologue, I take some time to think before answering. He has a point; Hollywood isn’t the place I’d wish to raise my children in. But I’m way too young to be thinking about marriage and kids. I want to establish my career before settling for a family. Nick knows that, yet he still asked me to move overseas. Maybe we’re not on the same page about that. Maybe we haven’t reached the same place in our lives yet.

Before I can reply, Josh breaks the silence, asking me in a deep voice a very loaded question.

“What would you say if Nick gave you an ultimatum? If he’d asked you to either move in with him in London, or move on from him altogether?”

“He wouldn’t do that,” I quickly answer.

“Wouldn’t he?” He replies, raising his eyebrows inquisitively.

He has me thinking now. Could it be the sub-question in Nick’s demand? Is he trying to test my loyalty to him? I shake my head to clear my thoughts. Nick isn’t like that. He’d never pressure me that way. I still need to give Josh an answer though.

“I would move on.”

He shakes his head slowly, his face set in a sarcastic smile.

“Really, Josh,” I add. “I’d rather break up with him than move to England at that point in my life. But it’s not gonna happen. He’ll understand my point.”

“Have you two talked about it again?”

“No.”

The truth is, he’s been so busy getting ready to film his next movie that he barely had time to text or Skype me, so we haven’t had a chance to brush the subject again. And after the way I kicked him out of my house the last time we saw each other, I guess he also needed time to calm his frustration with me.

Josh doesn’t answer right away, instead looking down and fidgeting with his hands as if there was still something on his mind. I gently caress his arm, silently encouraging him to talk. His skin is so soft and warm under my fingertips. He turns towards me and sighs.

“It may be cheesy,” he starts, his gaze still locked on the floor, “but I’ve never felt so connected to someone in my life. We may be just friends, but you’re my best friend, Jen. You understand me like no one else does. You make me smile and laugh. You always make me feel good. And I know you consider me as a friend too –“

“Josh, you’re my best friend too.”

He finally lifts his head up and plunges his gaze into mine.

“-but I don’t want you to hold back because of me.”

He pauses.

“Actually, I didn’t expect you to hold back because of me. But if ever –“

I put a finger on his lips to silence him.

“Josh. I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say. I’ve taken my decision. I’m staying.”

“You never know what love may make you do.”

“True,” I admit with a small smile. “But that’s one thing I wouldn’t do no matter what. And you know what? My mom wouldn’t let me do it anyway. She’d say she didn’t starve in New York for years for me to dump my career just as I’ve reached the top!”

He finally gives me a genuine smile. I put an arm around his shoulders and bring him closer to me, resting my forehead on the side of his head. I breathe in the scent of his shampoo and enjoy the softness of his hair caressing my face before dropping my head down his neck.

“I wouldn’t be able to leave you, Josh,” I whisper on his shoulder.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he whispers back. “You were perfectly fine last summer without me. And it’s okay, really.”

He slowly turns his head so that he can look at my eyes. Our faces are impossibly closer, the tension filling the room getting heavier by the second. I swallow thickly.

“I missed you every day, Josh,” I finally reply softly. I feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes, thinking back on all the times I longed for his laughter and tickles last summer.

“Then why didn’t you text me? I thought you were done with me.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You were busy. I was not. “

“I was on vacation, I wasn’t busy...”

Then it hits me. He thinks I was too busy with my boyfriend to take the time to keep in touch with him.

“I’m sorry,” I finally say, holding his shoulder tighter. “I messed up. I took you for granted. I swear, Josh, there hasn’t been a day while I was over there that I didn’t think about you.”

“I’m a big guy, Jen, you don’t need to lie.”

He turns away from me.

“I’m not lying,” I say softly, my arm traveling down his muscled back. “What can I do to make you see how much you mean to me?”

He slowly turns to face me again, his eyes lifting up to meet mine. He’s studying my gaze intently, while I’m anxiously staring back at him.

“If I was selfish, I’d ask you to stay –“

“I will, Josh-“

“But I’m not. So I won’t ask you that. But please, if I really mean that much to you, don’t ignore me again. It hurt, you know.”

“Sure. I didn’t do it on purpose, you know?”

He nods.

“I know. That was your only chance to spend quality time with Nick this year. I respect that. Did you enjoy your trip at least?”

“I did, of course,” I smile, reminiscing my time over there.

“Then it’s okay.”

I still stare at Josh’s eyes for a moment, then push him back on the couch to snuggle against him. I let my arm rest across his chest. I feel his startled gaze on me.

“I don’t want you to think you’re not important for me ever again,” I whisper, my breath making the hair on his chest dress up. “You’re my best friend. I need you.”

He doesn’t answer, only tightening his grip on my shoulders to bring me closer to him. And in that moment, sitting on the couch with my body resting against my best friend’s, I’ve never felt more at peace.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Josh’s POV**

I didn’t expect to have that deep heart-to-heart with Jennifer tonight. I knew she would probably question me on my behavior, but I’d never have guessed we would end up discussing what happened during her trip to Africa. While she’s resting beside me, her head nestled against my shoulder and her arm sitting across my chest, I ponder what we just talked about. She seems absolutely convinced that Nick won’t find a way to persuade her to move in with him in London. She swears that she didn’t ignore me on purpose while she was away this summer. It’s easier to believe her while she’s lying here in my arms though. When Nick comes back to visit her in a few weeks, surely she’ll forget me all over again.

I know I sound bitter or jealous, and I acknowledge that a part of me is feeling those things. But it feels so good to have her snuggled against me, her hair caressing my skin, her breath tickling my chest, her face mere inches from mine... I will treasure it while it lasts, and just work harder to hide my true feelings from her.

“Josh?” she whispers, lifting her head up to look at me.

“Yes?” My voice cracks a little.

“We’re good, now, right? I don’t want you to be upset again because of me.”

I stare at her deep blue eyes for a moment, before forcing a smile.

“Yes, we’re okay. Don’t worry about me.”

She settles back on my chest, seemingly satisfied. We turn our attention back to the TV, Jennifer reaching out to take the remote and flipping through the channels. I gulp the remainder of my beer bottle and stretch to put it on the side table.

“Want another one?” Jen asks, leaving my arms to get up.

“I have to drive home soon...”

“You could always stay for the night. I have a guest room,” she suggests, picking up the empty bottles.

I don’t hesitate. Anything that lets me spend more time with her is welcome.

“Okay. Sure.”

She smiles at me warmly, then walks to the kitchen to fetch two new bottles in the fridge. I follow her curvy silhouette with my eyes until she’s out of my sight, then take a deep breath and think about the way she acted earlier. She’s been strangely cozy since I admitted my worries to her, a lot more so than what she’s used me to in the past. To be honest, it was almost bordering lover behavior. She’s always been touchy-feely with me, but I sense something has changed. I cannot be the only one to have felt the electric current passing between us when she cuddled me on the couch, right?

I let out a frustrated sigh. I realize I still don’t know where I stand in her life. Some days, I think she’s too independent to want anything to do with me, and some moments like tonight, I feel like our bond is so strong, so deep, that being separated would be unthinkable. That we’re like two pieces in a puzzle, carefully imbricated. That she’s the one for me.

And then, Nick’s perfect face pops up in my head and I drop back down from my cloud.

Jennifer comes back with the beers, hands me one and opens the other. She gulps half of it in one take. I do the same while she sits back down on the sofa next to me and watches me intently. I want to ask her the question that’s burning me, but at the same time, I don’t want to break the spell between us.

“You said you didn’t want to lose me,” she finally says, holding my gaze. “I don’t wanna lose you either.”

I nod slightly and take another gulp of my beer to hide the light blush that’s beginning to tint my cheeks. She places her bottle on the table and closes the space between us once again.

“How comfortable is Nick with our friendship, Jen?” I dare ask.

She stiffens a little bit then looks up. I look down into her confused eyes.

“He doesn’t care,” she finally says in a slightly shaky voice. “He knows we’re just friends, he has nothing to be jealous about.”

“We still get to spend a lot more time together than you do with him –“

“Well, there’s always Skype when we’re away,” she interrupts me, picking her beer and gulping down the rest of it nervously. “We take at least a few minutes every day to text or Skype.”

“And you think that’s enough for him?”

“It’s always been. If you were my boyfriend, would it be enough for you?”

Even though it’s just a hypothetical question and she doesn’t mean to imply anything, I can’t help my heart beating faster at the idea of dating her. I try to put myself in Nick’s shoes before answering. I’m so starved for her presence, so eager for her company, that it’s easy for me to figure out what would satisfy me.

“Even a little of you would be enough. So yes, I guess I wouldn’t have a problem with it.” I pause. “Do you ever talk about me with him?”

She doesn’t answer straight away. I sense my question is making her uncomfortable.

“Forget it, I –“

“No,” she finally drops, her gaze suddenly avoiding mine. “No, we don’t.”

“So you don’t really know how he perceives us.”

“You really think it might make him uncomfortable?” She finally looks up, her eyes questioning. “He trusts me.”

“Sometimes your heart doesn’t follow your brain and makes you do or think things that aren’t rational.”

“You sound a thousand years old when you talk like this.” Her face lights up a little bit.

I smile lightly, but I don’t reply. She’s always praised me for being more mature than my age. And although I was referring to Nick’s likely irrational fear that something romantic could develop itself between Jen and I, I can’t help but think about Jen’s own feelings as well. I wish she wouldn’t let herself be blinded by her love for Nick so often. Like when she spends a whole summer away from her friends, not even bothering to keep a decent contact with them, for example.

She finally looks down and rests her head and hand on my chest again, before sighing contentedly.

“Would you find it weird if I told you there’s no other place I’d rather be now than here with you?” She surprisingly asks.

“Of course I’d find it weird,” I say, wrapping my arm against her shoulder. “Wouldn’t you rather be with Nick?”

“We had a huge fight the other day,” she finally admits. “I kicked him out of my house. He didn’t understand why my career was more important than him at this point. So, to be fair, I’m not really looking forward to seeing him again at the moment.”

I start slowly tracing soothing circles on the back of her hand and I feel her relax even more in my embrace. I don’t know what to tell her, so I go for the obvious nonsense.

“I understand.”

“I know I love him,” she says suddenly, unknowingly making a pang of sadness burst painfully in my chest. “But sometimes, I don’t understand why he acts the way he does. It’s like he doesn’t get me, you know? Even after dating for two years. You’d think he’d figure out I need my life here.”

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” I dare say. I couldn’t help it. She lifts her head from my shoulder quickly and stares at my eyes with a confused look.

I gulp nervously, afraid of having said something I shouldn’t have. I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of her fight with Nick to get closer to her. I just want her to be happy, and to be fair, I really sensed some indecision in her thoughts. I have to admit that I was always so sure she was crazy in love with Nick that to hear her talk about him that way startles me. I try not to let any hint of the hope it gives my poor heart show though; she doesn’t need this now.

“I am convinced,” she says slowly. “We’ve been together for two years.”

“That does not mean you still love him. I’ve dated a girl for three years but in the end, just before we broke up, it was clear I was no longer in love with her.”

She looks like she’s thinking about it.

“Yeah, you’re right. But you were young. Nick and I are somewhere else in our life-“

“See? You’re talking like you’re ready for the grown-up life. The ring, the house, the babies. You may not be that far from where Nick is at the moment. Maybe he’s preparing a proposal?”

She smiles brightly.

“You think?”

“Why not? That would explain why he’s thinking about you moving in with each other.”

I pour all the effort I can into steadying my voice, so that the idea that her marrying Nick is shattering my heart doesn’t cross her mind. She doesn’t seem to realize my inner turmoil – maybe I’m a better actor than I thought. Instead, her smile gets bigger, until I see a flash of disappointment pass in her eyes.

“What?” I frown.

She shakes her head in a resolute way.

“I still can’t move to London, Josh. It doesn’t work.”

“Then convince him to move to L.A, or you could always pick New York instead. You’re always shooting on location, anyway. And you won’t need to hunt for roles any time soon, all the directors are fighting over each other to work with you. You’re gonna get one call after another.”

She seems to think about it for a second. I’m fighting hard to keep my heavy heart from showing. I don’t think she’s noticing my slight trembling or the lump I had in my throat all throughout my argument. If I thought earlier she may have been questioning her feelings for Nick, her reaction to me suggesting a wedding may be in her near future convinces me there’s no hope.

And as much as I want to be the good friend she deserves, I have to admit my body and mind are betraying me right now. I guess the best I can do is try to make her see her options. If she ever chooses to stay, at least I’ll know that it was a somewhat thoughtful decision.

“But you, Josh...” she whispers.

“What, me?”

“If I move to New York, it will be even harder than it is right now to see each other.”

“And? What does it matter if it’s what it takes to make you and Nick happy?”

I’m surprised I was able to say that without having tears fill my eyes or my voice shaking. Instead, I come off overly-confident and disinterested, which is the total opposite of the way I’m feeling right now. She still seems oblivious to my struggle, and it’s a good thing. The last thing I want is for her to feel guilty of leaving me behind.

“I don’t think I could ever be happy again without you near me,” she finally admits in a low voice.

“Oh, Jen,” I sigh, a little exasperated. She’s still doing it. She’s still giving me a relevance I don’t deserve.

“It’s true. Why don’t you believe me?”

Do I say it? Will she pity me for it? Will she find it cheesy?

“Because no one ever needs me.”

“Says Peeta. You have a lot in common with your character, Josh, but not this! Lots of people need you-“

“No. Lots of people may enjoy my presence, but no one needs me,” I respond, insisting on the “need” part. “I’ve had quite a few friends and girlfriends over the years. Every one of them who didn’t stay close to me geographically moved on very easily from me. It’ll be the same with you, Jen.”

I pause and swallow thickly.

“It may even be easier for you,” I add, “because you’ll be too busy with your new roommate/fiancé/husband to think about me. I tell you this again, don’t base your choice off of me. It’s not worth it.”

She’s silent for a long moment, before she shakes her head.

“I’m not sure it’d be that easy.”

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I think about what Josh just said. I try to imagine a life without him in it, a life where we only share a polite greeting at awards shows, where we text one another less than once a month, just to loosely keep up, where I don’t see his pretty derp face almost every day, where I don’t hear his grave voice whispering in my ear at a promo event, where I don’t feel his strong arms envelop me in a soothing embrace when I’m anxious or scared of the paps. It doesn’t take long before I realize how essential he has become in my life.

“I couldn’t do it.”

He shakes his head firmly and closes his eyes in disapprobation.

“You will likely have to. If Nick brings it up again-“

“He’ll come around,” I interrupt him with a strong tone.

“Are you sure?”

He’s right. I’m not sure. In fact, I think he’s trying to make me realize that Nick will likely brush the subject again next time we see each other, and probably will put even more pressure on me to accept his demand. But I just can’t leave Hollywood right now. I can’t leave my work, my family. And I can’t leave Josh either. Somehow, for a reason I don’t quite grasp, he still doesn’t seem to get how important he is for me. I understand his point, but he’s not giving me enough credit here.

“Why are you doing this?” I whisper.

“What do you think I’m doing?”

He looks genuinely confused. I sigh.

“Trying to make me downplay your significance in my life. Pushing me into accepting Nick’s offer even though it means getting away from you. Did I actually dream you telling me you didn’t want to lose me?”

“No, you didn’t. But above all, I want you to be happy. And you need him to be happy. Not me.”

“Josh...”

“I’ll be right back, I need to go to the bathroom.”

He gets up, picks up the two empty beer bottles, puts them on the kitchen counter and disappears in the hallway. I bury my body into the cushions and sigh. Why doesn’t he understand? Why does he so firmly believe Nick won’t make the move to L.A. so that I don’t have to leave? Why does he seem convinced I can’t have them both near me?

I close my eyes and stop thinking for a moment. It’s getting really tiring. I thought I would be able to rest with Josh tonight, but our discussion has turned so serious that it’s giving me a nasty headache. Or it could be the beer. But I usually drink more booze before it can cause any mean effects.

After a moment, I realize Josh has been in the bathroom for quite some time. I get up, walk in front of the closed door and speak softly to him.

“Josh? Are you okay?”

It takes a few seconds before he eventually answers. His voice doesn’t sound quite right, a bit shaky and hollow.

“I’m okay. I won’t be long.”

“Okay.”

I decide to wait for him in front of the bathroom. A couple of minutes later, he finally opens the door and walks out slowly. I take a good look at his face and immediately recognize his red, puffy eyes. He went in there to let some tears flow.

“Josh,” I whisper, taking him in my arms. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” His voice sounds empty. I hold him to me even tighter. We’re like magnets; there’s no way I can let him go any time soon.

I reluctantly loosen my hold on him so that I can examine his face. Ii hits me that he may have been hiding something all night long.

“No, I want to know.”

“I can’t tell you. That wouldn’t be fair to Nick.”

I stare at his eyes for a moment before taking his hand and leading him back to the couch. He sits back in his place and I drop down next to him on the sofa, as close as I can without actually snuggling into his side so that I can have a good look at his face while he talks. He keeps quiet at first.

“You can tell me anything,” I reassure him softly. “I won’t call you on it or whatever.”

“I really believe he’s upset with our friendship, Jen,” he finally lets out in a gentle voice. “I know if I was in his place, and I could barely see my girlfriend, and she was all touchy-feely with this guy whom she works with on long shoots and hangs out with off-set all the time, I’d be pissed and suspicious. You and I know there’s nothing more than friendship between us, nor will there ever be, but he probably doesn’t. So my theory is that not only does he want you to move in with him because he wants to spend more time more easily with you, which is understandable, but he also wants me to stay away from you so that he doesn’t need to worry about you eventually developing romantic feelings for me.”

He pauses, staring off into space. I don’t interrupt him just yet, contemplating what he just said. I have to admit that it makes a lot of sense.

“We both know this is ridiculous, there’s no way you could ever feel more than friendship love for me, but he may think otherwise,” he continues with a sigh. “I don’t understand how he could ever feel threatened by me, though, but I guess it doesn’t matter if I understand or not. He may think I wanna seek revenge for him stealing my girlfriend back in the day.”

“He stole your girlfriend?” I ask, stunned.

“Victoria Justice. She’s always been one of my closest friends. We dated for a few months a few years ago. I may be accusing him of something he didn’t do though. I’ll never know. The only thing I know is that she was the one to dump me, and she said it was because I wasn’t what she needed. A few days after she broke up with me, she was dating Nick. It didn’t take her long to find what she really needed.”

I drop my gaze to the floor to hide the tears that are pooling in my eyes at Josh’s confession. That conversation about needing him comes back in full force in my mind. That must have been one of the incidents that shaped his feeling of self-worth into what it is today.

I never knew that story about my own boyfriend. I suddenly realize there are probably many other things about Nick I’m still unaware of.  Since I don’t answer him, Josh keeps talking.

“I’m sorry for telling you that. It was shitty of me to do. It’s not presenting either of us in a good light. He passes for a potential bastard and I come off as a whining asshole.”

“No, you don’t, “ I finally say while putting my arm around his shoulder. He leans into my touch, barely holding fresh tears in his eyes. “I’d rather get the truth. You’re right, that may not have been his intention to take your girlfriend from you, but he may think that you’re blaming him for her dumping you. That makes a lot of sense. But you know what? If it comes out that the reason he asked me that was to keep me away from you, there’s no way I’m gonna move in with him. Even if he decides to make the move to Hollywood.”

“Jen,” He parts from me abruptly. “You can’t confront him about this.”

“I have to. I have to know his reasoning.”

“But he’ll know it comes from me. And I don’t want to come in between you both. I don’t want to ruin your relationship.”

“Honestly, he’s doing a very good job at ruining it by himself,” I say with gritted teeth, suddenly remembering his behavior the last time we saw each other at my house.

He sighs, takes my hand and starts slowly caressing it. I feel a startling bolt of pleasure running through me at his touch.

“Just don’t suggest it may be the reason,” he says in a low voice. “Try to find out why he asked you this but don’t give him ideas. I’m probably wrong on all accounts and underestimating his confidence.”

I nod in agreement. Somehow, I’m brought back to something he casually said earlier, about how there was no way we could ever love each other in a romantic way.

“If I didn’t have a boyfriend, could you be attracted to me?”

He lifts his head up swiftly to stare at me with stunned eyes.

“Of course I would. Why are you asking me that?”

“Because you seemed so convinced that there was no way you and I could ever fall in love together, I wondered if maybe you said that because you really found me so unattractive that the idea of dating me was totally out of this world for you.”

I can’t think of any other reason why he would think that. I know I’m not his type; he always goes for dark-skinned, dark-haired, exotic beauties.  I remember him calling me “beautiful” a few times during interviews when we promoted the first movie, but that’s just meaningless chatter.

“Of course not. It’s the other way around, really.”

“You mean you think I could not have romantic feelings for you?”

“Exactly.”

He’s saying this in a steady voice, devoid of any self-pity. He really can’t wrap his head around the fact that in another life, had Nick not been in my heart already, I could easily have fallen in love with him. I look at him in the eyes with my most convincing determined expression.

“You’re wrong.”

“What do you mean, I’m wrong?” he says with a false playful voice. “There’s no way you could be attracted to me.”

“And what do you know about that?”

“I’m not your type, for starters-“

“I don’t have a type!” I exclaim with a laugh.

“Oh no? Then how could you be attracted to someone who is the complete opposite of your current boyfriend? That doesn’t make sense. You don’t need to be careful not to hurt my feelings, Jen, I’m big enough to deal with the truth. So you shouldn’t bullshit me. You remember that interview with Josh Horowitz last winter when you said I was dreamier than Robert Pattinson? That was one of the biggest piles of lies you’ve ever said about me. I know it. So stop trying to make me feel better, I only end up feeling shittier because you have this need to feed me bullshit all the time because you think I’m too soft to handle the truth.”

At first, I’m stunned. Speechless. How he can assume that he’s not attractive enough for me is beyond me. He’s right in that he’s very different from Nick, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be attracted to different men. And he can’t be so oblivious as to not realize I’m incredibly drawn to him.

“I was giving an honest answer back then, Josh,” I say softly. “You may not believe me, but you are a very attractive man. You have loads of fans swooning over you. What makes you think you’re unattractive?”

He doesn’t answer right away, instead dropping his gaze to the floor and sighing. When his desperate eyes lift back up to plunge into mine, I feel an irresistible urge to kiss him. But I hold back. I shouldn’t be thinking about kissing him when I have a boyfriend waiting for me. Why am I so fascinated with him anyway?

This discussion is getting really tiring. As if he read my thoughts, Josh shakes his head.

“Never mind. Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight. We’re obviously too tired for serious discussions. Do you have more beer?”

I laugh and pat his thigh.

“I’m bringing us two each!”

 

* * *

 

I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night. The TV is still playing an infomercial. There are two empty bottles of beer resting on the main coffee table. And I’m comfortably squeezed in between Josh’s warm body and the sofa cushions, my head resting on his shoulder like it was a pillow. Somehow, we fell asleep entangled into one another last night. I slowly try to move my limbs away from his body, but he’s too sound asleep. I wake him up anyway by whispering in his ear.

“Josh...”

He mumbles, then opens his eyes in surprise.

“Jen? Where are we?”

He quickly turns his head around to take in his surroundings, then comes to the same realization as me.

“Let’s go to bed instead, we need to be up in a few hours for our first day of shooting, so we’d better get in some good sleep before we have to get up for real,” I say, lifting my upper body from its resting place on Josh’s chest.

He reluctantly removes his legs from mine and gets up. I follow him to the bedrooms and we stay in front of the guest room for a while before I know what to say. I hug him tightly and simply wish him a good night. I wait until he lies in bed before entering my own bedroom, the feeling of his arms around me still lingering on my body and his pleasant scent still impregnating my clothes.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Josh’s POV**

I’m not sure if the headache I wake up with is due to the six-pack of beer I downed all by myself or to the heavily emotional discussion I had with Jen last night. Either way, I’m not in a good shape for that first day of shooting, yet I have to keep it all in and be professional.

As I massage my temples and slowly open my eyes, the memories of last night all come rushing back to me. The way Jen and I cuddled on the couch. The sound of her regular breathing when she fell asleep on my chest. The feeling of the beer burning my throat when I gulped it down too fast. The taste of the tears I finally let down in her bathroom when I couldn’t keep control of my emotions anymore.

What a mess I did with that evening.

At least, when it got too heavy, we switched topics and still had fun watching stupid TV shows. She must have found me so annoying with everything I told her. If, by any miracle, I had any chance of her loving me in the future, I’ve blown it out in the water by now. I don’t even know if she’ll still enjoy my friendship after that.

I decide the best way to deal with the mess right now is to try acting as if nothing happened. I still have time to prepare breakfast for the both of us before going back home to take a shower and change into clean clothes. I’ve already packed a bag with the stuff I’ll need on set so I don’t have to bother with that; for once, I’m glad Andre pushed me to get rid of my usual procrastination habits.

I quietly exit the room into the hallway and take a chance to peek in Jennifer’s room. As I expected, she’s still deeply asleep, her hair all messed up around her face. I consider going in to wake her up, but I eventually decide against it. If she’s not up by the time I’m done preparing breakfast, I’ll do it.

I walk to the kitchen and gather the ingredients I need to make pancakes. I figure after the exhausting night we had, a nice, comforting meal will help putting us back on track. And so I mix the batter following the recipe I now know by heart, and cook the first few pieces. When I’m about to flip one in the pan, I’m startled by slender arms snaking around my torso and a warm body hugging mine from behind. My heart starts beating faster when she leans over my shoulder and I feel her soft hair tickle my neck. After the initial shock, I can’t help but relax in her embrace.

“Pancakes? That’s a morning-after-date meal,” she whispers, unknowingly giving me chills.

“I figured it was relevant this morning,” I reply, turning my head slightly towards hers. Our faces are so close, yet I know there is a barrier between us.

There’s a heavy tension quickly building up in the air. I swallow thickly.

“You figured well,” she says, tightening her hold on my body for a few more seconds before sighing and letting go. “Do you need help?”

“Take anything you want to put on them from the fridge.”

She winks at me, opens the refrigerator and starts taking out all the fruits she can find. She also picks up a bottle of maple syrup and a can of whipped cream.

“Woah, you’ll go into a sugar coma,” I warn her with a giggle.

“I’m a sweet girl, no worry.”

She flashes me her brightest smile, the one that always makes me melt. I have no doubt she’s referring to our conversation about cupcakes last night. I think about foodgasm and almost drop a dirty comment, but I hold myself at the last second. Now is definitely not the moment to act flirty, not after the heavy discussion that happened last night.

When I’m done cooking the pancakes, I take two plates from the cupboard and bring them to the table along with forks, knives and the platter of food. Meanwhile, Jen prepared a pot of coffee and poured us two cups. When I finally sit at the table and take a bite, I realize the headache has come back in full force and is only getting worse. I massage my forehead, only temporarily silencing the pain. Jen notices my discomfort, silently walks to the bathroom and comes back with a bottle of painkillers. I thank her and swallow the pills, hoping they won’t take too long before kicking in. Jen smiles at me softly.

“Too much beer last night?” she teases me.

“I don’t know. Probably,” I lie. It’s not the first time I drink that amount of beer in a short time, yet I never had a hangover after. It’s most likely the combination of the alcohol with the rollercoaster of emotions that did the trick.

“We have a long day ahead of us. It better pass quickly.”

“I know.”

I slowly sip my coffee. Jennifer grabs the can of whipped cream and pops a huge quantity of it onto her pancakes. I don’t say a word, only watch her shove a massive bite in her mouth with a huge grin. My smile fades quickly when I realize I still have an important thing to do.

“Jen?”

She looks up at me questioningly while slowly chewing on her pancakes.

“I’m sorry for what I said last night. Pretty much all of it. I don’t know what’s going on with me these days, I’m overreacting to everything and it turns me into an ass.”

“You had a lot of stuff weighing on your mind,” she says after swallowing much of her bite. “I’m glad you let it all out. And it gives me something else to consider about Nick. Things I may not have seen otherwise.”

“I guess so,” I sigh. “It’s over, now. Let’s forget it happened at all, okay?”

“Okay.”

There is an uncomfortable silence. It’s obvious that although we agreed to overlook our awkward conversation from last night, we both know we won’t do it. There’s no way she could forget the horrible things I implied about her boyfriend. And to be honest, I think I deserve to face the consequences of my easy mouth.

“Do you know what we’re filming today?” I finally ask, just to change the subject and break the tension.

“Nope. You didn’t really expect me to know that, did you?”

“Of course, not!” I laugh.

Jen is a real phenomenon. She’s the most unprofessional actress I’ve ever worked with, yet she’s also the most talented. She always shows up on set with no clue what we’re filming that day, but she can learn her lines in minutes and become her character in seconds. One moment she’s clowning around as Jennifer Lawrence, the other she’s turning into badass Katniss Everdeen. She’s really hard to keep up with sometimes, so I fill her in with what I know.

“It has to be the training center scenes, because they need to free Philip soon for his next movie. And it’s the first costume they fitted us in.”

Before I can add anything, I hear the sound of my phone buzzing with a new notification. I get up to snatch it from the kitchen counter and smile.

“Let me guess...” Jen says, pretending to think hard, fingers holding her chin and gaze locked on the ceiling. “Your mom?”

“Nope. Her substitute. Andre!”

ANDRE: See, I knew it would turn into a date! You didn’t come back here at all last night, did you? No way you would have left this early. How was it, man?”

“What does he say?” she asks, curiosity lighting up her big blue eyes.

“He assumes that I had a crazy night full of wild sex since I didn’t come back home,” I chuckle while sitting back down at the table. “He’s gonna be sorely disappointed.”

While I type my reply, I recall the way we fell asleep on the couch last night, closely entangled into each other’s warmth. I would have stayed that way forever if I could, but I know it was better that we ended the night in separate beds. I’m not sure I trust myself so close to her while I’m asleep. It’s already a miracle she didn’t feel the boner I had when she woke me up in the middle of the night. It would have made things even more uncomfortable between us.

Yet, when I remember the satisfied expression she had on her face at that time, I figure she probably enjoyed it as well. I know I shouldn’t read anything from it, but at least, it didn’t upset her as I would have feared.

I finish typing the message for Andre and check for awkward autocorrects one last time before touching the “Send” icon.

JOSH: No getting laid for me last night, she still has a boyfriend, remember? Always will. It’s getting even more serious between them. We just spent the night talking, watching TV, and since I drank a few beers, Jen acted responsibly and offered me her guest room for the night. Coming back in a few, having breakfast ATM.

“So?” she asks before taking a large sip of her coffee.

“Your curiosity is gonna get you in trouble, you know.”

“Come on Josh, you’ve always told me everything,” she says in a pleading voice.

Not everything, I think. There’s something about me you’ll never know, Jen. I wish I could scream it to the world, to your face: _I love you_! But it’s not gonna happen. Instead, I’ll give you small hints that you’ll dismiss instantly and take for peer admiration. I’m okay with that, when I’m being reasonable.

But the problem is that I don’t seem to be able to act reasonable at all anymore.

“I just told him the truth: there’s been no torrid night, just snacking over some reality shows and you offering me to stay in the guest room so that I wouldn’t risk a DUI.”

“An underage DUI! Even worse!” she teases me.

“Yeah, but either way, we don’t want to get into that kind of trouble, right?”

I drink some of my coffee. It has gotten a little bit colder, so it’s just the right temperature to sip without burning my tongue like crazy.

“We don’t, indeed.”

She takes another pancake from the platter between us and covers it with little berries as Andre’s reply to my text comes.

ANDRE: What do you mean, it’s getting more serious? You talked to her about this? Geez, you’ve grown balls! What did she say?

I shake my head and start typing back furiously.

JOSH: We figured out there may be a proposal on the horizon. That would explain some things. We had a shitty conversation about that. A night-ruiner conversation really.

I can already guess what response he’ll come up with. It doesn’t even take a whole minute before the next message comes in.

ANDRE: Shitty? As in, you told her you were madly in love with her and she laughed in your face?

“I’m sorry, Jen, but I can’t let him think what he’s thinking,” I mutter, looking away from her. I’m feeling guilty of texting while I’m spending time with her, but I can’t stand knowing Andre is imagining things right now.

“Oh, that’s okay, don’t worry. I don’t want him to assume things either,” she says with a wink.

I look up and hold her gaze for a moment. I don’t know if she’s realizing it, but she’s kinda proving my point from last night: there’s no way she could ever be attracted to me. I drop my eyes to my phone and quickly write my reply to Andre.

JOSH: Of course not, I’m not that dumb. But I admitted to her I was scared of losing her when she moves to London and I shared my theory that Nick is trying to get me away from his girlfriend in case I’d want to retaliate for what happened with Vic. See, I fucked up. She doesn’t seem angry though.

I put the phone on the table and take another mouthful of pancake. Jen is looking at me intently, as if she was thinking hard about something.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she replies with a wistful tone. “I was just thinking about some of the things you said last night. About Nick.”

“Jen... we agreed we weren’t gonna talk about this again.”

Now, I’m screwed. She won’t drop the subject until she’s found out if I was right or not. And my concerns probably were totally unfounded, which means that she’ll put herself into more trouble just because of me.

“I know,” she replies softly. “I’m just trying to figure a way to find out if he wants me to move away from you without him guessing you’re the one who came up with the theory.”

“You probably won’t even have to ask him anything, he’ll let you know one way or the other. You’ll just know what to look for.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

She doesn’t add anything, only focusing on cutting the pancakes on her plate.

“When are you seeing him again next?” I finally ask in a hollow voice, trying as best as I can to hide the hurt it causes me to think of them together.

“In a month. He’s supposed to spend a week here.”

“Until then, I guess you’ll resume your Skype naked meetings and sexting?” I taunt her.

“Josh!” she starts with a huge smile. “Honestly, I really don’t feel like having any kind of intimacy with him until we’ve gotten over our fight about the move.”

“Ugh, I knew you would kinda obsess about it,” I sigh. “Jen, I’m probably wrong. He only wants your happiness. He knows you can’t stand the paps. There’s no better place than Europe for you to avoid them. That must be the main reason why he offered that.”

“He also knows I need my friends and my career. There’s definitely something fishy.”

My phone buzzes again while I shrug in response to her latest comment. There’s nothing I can do to make her forget my jerky move from last night. I sigh and pick up the phone to read Andre’s text.

ANDRE: Ah, man, she must think you’re jealous and you want to take her away from her boyfriend. Not good. Now you need to let time pass and drop the subject for awhile. She’ll do whatever the hell she wants after.

I smirk at his reply and decide to end the conversation there.

JOSH: I’m sure of that. I’ll be there in a few, almost done with breakfast.

I put the phone back on the table and don’t even look at it when it buzzes again soon after. Jen looks at me quizzically.

“I just told him I’d be there soon,” I say softly. “If he has anything else to tell me, he’ll tell me in person. Otherwise, I’m having breakfast with someone who deserves my whole attention.”

We exchange a warm smile before resuming our meals.

 

* * *

 

Before I leave her house, Jen hugs me tightly, reminding me we’ll see each other soon. I’m driving to my own house to get ready for work.

When I reach my place, Andre is just getting back in with Driver at the end of his leash. They’re likely back from the morning walk.

“Hey, how are you man?” Andre says, one-hand hugging me and lightly tapping my back, his other hand tightly holding onto Driver’s leash.

“I’m fine. Better than yesterday I think. I woke up with a nasty headache but it’s gone now. Jen had some nice painkillers.”

“You’ve got to tell me what happened exactly last night. How you ended up talking about Nick and what he did to you back then.”

“I will, just not now,” I say, quickly opening the front door of the house and walking in, Andre and Driver on my heels. “I’ve yet to take a shower and dress up before leaving for the set.”

“I know. Go ahead, but you owe me a nice discussion later.”

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**   


I was woken up by the smell of the pancakes Josh was cooking for our breakfast. It took me a few minutes to remember why he was still here and what had happened the previous night. After I slipped in my bed, I tried to find sleep but I couldn’t for a long time. I was too confused and needed to clear my thoughts before I could let myself drift off into slumber.

Even though he seemed to regret sharing his theories about Nick, Josh’s thoughts had made a lot of sense. For the first time since the beginning of our romantic relationship, I started questioning whether he may have had ulterior motives. And the more I reflected on my close friendship with Josh, the more I understood how Nick may have felt threatened. After all, I’ve rarely been that comfortable with someone before. Comfortable enough to share stuff about my private life. Comfortable enough to spend hours watching TV shows and making ridiculous fart jokes.

Comfortable enough to cuddle and fall asleep on a couch together.

I sigh, get up and take in my appearance in the mirror above the chest of drawers. I look a bit hungover and my hair is all over the place, but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed by a good brushing and make-up. I decide to wait a little bit before joining Josh in the kitchen. I need to figure out how I feel about all that happened in the last few days.

I have to acknowledge that Josh made me feel things last night. When his fingers gently stroked my skin, when I woke up on his warm chest, when he took me in his strong arms... the butterflies, the electric current between us was real. I know I’m playing with fire, but I wish we hadn’t woken up in the middle of the night and spent the whole night cuddled on the couch instead. I felt so good then. When I lay down all alone in my own bed, I missed his warm breathing tickling my face, his soft skin caressing mine, his masculine scent enveloping my body. That may have been part of the reason I had so much trouble getting back to sleep, and not only the serious matters we discussed before going to bed.

The same question as last night pops up in my head. _Why am I so attracted to him?_ “You have a boyfriend, Jen”, I have to remind myself.” A boyfriend you love, who loves you, who may even be ready to propose to you!” When Josh suggested that may be part of Nick’s plan, I got all giddy and excited, because like most girls, I’ve been dreaming of my own wedding since I was little. I immediately imagined myself in a gorgeous white dress, surrounded by my parents, with my brothers playing practical jokes next to me. I saw a nice park decorated with white balloons and flowers, and my little nephew, so cute in his tiny white tuxedo, bringing us the rings on a burgundy velvety cushion. I envisioned the sunset bathing the scene in a warm glow, illuminating the faces of our numerous guests standing in front of us. And then, I turned to my groom and I was thrown out of my daydream. It was like I couldn’t see myself getting married to Nick. It’s pretty strange, because I’ve already thought about it and hoped that we would tie the knot one day. But it was like I had moved on by then. In my little fantasy, I was marrying someone, but it wasn’t Nick and I obviously wasn’t meant to know who it was yet.

The more I stay in my room, the stronger the smell of food gets, so I have no choice but to follow it to the source to quell my starving stomach. I decide there’s nothing wrong in being affectionate with Josh; he’s my best friend, he knows this is not romantic and he’ll take it as it is, my lame attempt to comfort him and show him how much I actually care about him. That’s why I quietly reach him from behind and cross my arms around his toned stomach, pressing my front against his hard back and resting my head on his muscled shoulder with a sigh. A spark travels through my body, from my chest to the tip of my toes. I don’t pay much attention to it, other than to realize how good I feel when my body touches his. I feel him lean his body into mine slightly, and when I speak in a low voice and his face turns slowly to meet mine, I have to fight really hard not to kiss him right there. I can’t ignore the effect he’s having on my panties either. Somehow, being so close to him makes me incredibly horny, and I wonder if he can feel it. I hope not; it would make things even more awkward.

I know I should just withdraw from him, but I selfishly enjoy the feeling of his body resting against mine way too much.

When I finally let go, I figure it’s really time I see Nick in person and clear things up, or else I’m not sure our relationship will last any longer. It bothers me all the while we eat our breakfast.

 Fortunately, Josh is too busy texting Andre to notice most of my inner worries. I wonder what they talk about, as Josh seems pretty upset, but I don’t push the matter whatsoever, aware that he probably doesn’t want to talk about it.

When we’re done with our meal, Josh helps me clean up my kitchen and has to leave to get ready for our first day of work on filming the new movie. Before he exits the house, I take advantage of our last minutes of privacy to give him a good, long hug, one I hope conveys a lot of the affection I have for him. I can’t stand to think that he may be hurt because of me.

As soon as his car leaves the driveway, I realize I already miss him.

 

* * *

 

When I arrive at work, the first thing I do is look for Justine, my best friend and personal assistant on set. We’ve known each other for years; that’s why I asked her to take on that job for me. I figure she must have just arrived too because I look at my phone and she hasn’t texted me in panic yet. If she just got here and tried to find me, she must have gone straight to the catering tent. She obviously knows how much I enjoy food. And so I follow the makeshift directions to the food tent, located in the middle of all the trailers, and spot her just outside of it, quickly typing something on her phone.

“Don’t waste a text, I’m here!” I say, loud enough for her to hear over the sound of the people talking around us.

“Jen! How did you guess I was texting you?” she replies, turning around to face me with a huge smile.

“Experience, I guess!”

I hug her.

“So, you know you’re supposed to be in H&M right?” she playfully scolds me for my tardiness.

“Yeah I know, just let me grab a muffin before we head there. Also, where’s my trailer? I have a few things to drop there before I’m ready.”

“Sure, take it and follow me.”

I pick what looks like a chocolate chip muffin – you never know, it may be a raisin muffin in disguise – and let Justine lead me to the cast trailers. The door is opened and surprisingly, Andre is about to come out of it, holding Josh’s dog in his arms.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, falsely upset.

He walks down the steps with Driver and only answers with a huge grin. Then, I see Josh standing in the trailer entrance, winking at me and pointing out to the side of the trailer. I look closely to the white paper sheet that reads “KATNISS/PEETA”. Oh, yeah. Somehow I had forgotten we’d be sharing a trailer.

“Not too disappointed, Miss Lawrence?” he says with a huge smile.

“I’d rather share my trailer with anyone but you,” I reply, hiding a laughter. I go up the stairs and hug him, as if we hadn’t spent the night together already. He whispers in my ear.

“It’s crazy, I know, but I missed you even though we saw each other only a couple hours ago.”

“I felt the same,” I reply in a low voice, savouring the feeling of his strong arms holding me. “I don’t know how I could go so long without seeing you last summer.”

“Me neither.”

He slowly pulls away, and I shiver when I no longer feel his body on mine. We’re both aware that we’re not alone here, and any expression of affection can be misinterpreted and get us in trouble. I gesture to Justine to tell her that I’ll meet her soon and close the door behind me.

“Be careful, I think I’ve seen paps near the set,” he says.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve spotted us, we’re kinda hard to miss in that parking lot. You think they may be close enough to get shots of us even near the trailers?” I say as I drop my bag on the couch and take a bite out of my muffin. I was right, it’s a stupid raisin muffin. But I’m still hungry, so I’ll eat it anyway.

“Maybe. Anyway, I know you hate giving them a shot of you, so I thought you’d rather know so you could cover up when you have to walk between the set and the trailers.”

I smile at him brightly, thankful for his thoughtfulness. He doesn’t care at all about being papped. He’s always happy, even smiling for them on occasion. I don’t understand how he does it, but then again, I know the paps don’t camp out on his lawn to take pictures of him as soon as he leaves his house. They’re not harassing him on a daily basis to have a quote on his love life. And they’re not making huge amounts of money when they get a photograph of him, for the simple reason that he’s famous, but not as famous as I am yet. I say “yet”, because I’m convinced he has a great career ahead of him and will only get more famous as he takes on more adult projects and ages up.

I’m really lucky that even though he doesn’t mind them personally, he acknowledges my hate of them and cares enough about me to notice them and warn me.

“You’ll probably find the idea ridiculous,” he starts, running a hand through his golden hair, “but do you want to avoid us being seen together outside? Just in case there are paps ready to take a shot of us and start rumors. Not that I think they would, but-“

“Why wouldn’t they?” I interrupt him, frowning.

“Jen, you know as well as I do that the media doesn’t like to link us together. But then again, you never know what they’d say if they had a pic of us to show. But you know, they’d probably match you with Liam well before they’d think of matching you with me.”

He pauses, before mumbling:

“They’re not so far from the truth, actually.”

“Josh!” I exclaim. “Even if I was single, I would never date Liam! He’s handsome, but he’s way too stiff for me. I love men with whom I can have fun. Men who make me laugh. Sometimes, Liam is like a statue, he doesn’t joke, doesn’t play games, he just stays there, being sexy and all. Pretty boring.”

“Yeah. Well, with me he’s wilder, but then again, there’s no attraction between us.”

He insists on the word “attraction”. I roll my eyes.

“Josh...” I start, taking on a more serious tone. “You know as well as I do that if there’s an attraction between two people on this set, it’s between you and me.”

There we go. I finally voiced out loud what I’ve been thinking about for the last hours. He looks at me straight in the eyes, his expression unreadable.

“It’s just playful bickering, that’s nothing,” he murmurs, his gaze slowly lowering to the floor. He really sounds like he’s trying to convince himself.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I speak in a soft voice. “I-“

“No,” he cuts me suddenly, his head shooting straight up to stare at me with an almost angry face. “Jen, no. You don’t need to tell me this. I don’t wanna hear you say this. I don’t know if you think I may have feelings for you or something, but, no. You have a boyfriend, I told you many times I didn’t want to come between you, that includes acting on any feelings I could have had for you. We’re friends. The relationship we have is one of friendship. A very close friendship, but as long as you still have a boyfriend, and as long as you love said boyfriend, nothing’s gonna happen between us. I respect you too much to involve you in that kind of thing.”

I’m stunned. He’s practically admitting to having feelings for me, as I suspected, but he’s so dead-set on keeping our relationship platonic, that I almost feel hurt. As if I wanted more. As if I longed for more. That may not be far from the truth. I’m wondering if slowly, my heart and my head aren’t catching up with my body, which has been screaming for Josh’s for quite a long time, if I recall all those times I couldn’t help touching him all the time. Lying close to his leg while resting my hand on his ankle and picking at the fabric covering his thigh while we’re having a discussion outside with Gary Ross on the set of the first movie. Playfully stroking his chest while he struggles to recall some funny anecdote in the middle of an interview with Josh Horowitz. Repeatedly tapping his forearm with my hand and his foot with mine while I try to make him remember another thing in that _Untitled_ interview. I realize I’ve been unconsciously drawn to him for a while now.

“I don’t want you to make fun of me because I care for you, Jen,” he adds in a sad tone. “I can’t help the way I’m feeling obviously, but I think I’m mature enough to control it in the circumstances. Even if I were to have developed romantic feelings for you, it’s not gonna happen, so what’s the use of dreaming, huh?”

I start to feel tears in my eyes. It’s easy to figure out all that he leaves unsaid.

“Josh, who says it’s not gonna happen?”

He looks at me with a sad smile and shakes his head slowly.

“If you’re thinking that... I’m not sure it was such a good idea to have us share a trailer, after all.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Josh’s POV**

I wasn’t expecting her to try to lead me on the way she did. She just left for hair and make-up, and we’ve decided that I would wait a few minutes before coming out in case there were paps ready to take a picture of us exiting the trailer together. I still don’t understand what just happened, but I know for sure that I already regret the things I’ve said. I have no doubt she now knows that I care for her more than a friend should, and this is going to put me into a lot of trouble when she realizes the implications my pseudo-confession has. But I don’t understand why she seemed so dead-set on making me believe that she also had some sort of feelings for me. I mean, she almost got to the point of saying “ _Sorry, I don’t want to hurt you; you know, I’ve got a tall, British and handsome boyfriend so I don’t want you to get too emotionally attached to me, it would never work_ ”, or something like that, but I caught her just in time. Hearing her voicing that thought out loud would have shattered my heart even more than it is right now. So why was she sending me mixed signals at the same time? I have no idea.

When I’m confident Jen has reached the hair and make-up trailer, I grab my copy of the script to run over my lines while I’m getting prepared, exit the place and make my way over there. When I enter the makeshift room, she is already sitting in front of one of the mirrors, having her long brown hair braided into Katniss’ signature hairstyle. I take my place on the seat next to her and we share a simple smile.

“Did you see any paps on your way?” I ask her while the hairstylist starts to comb my hair.

“Nope. Did you?”

“I didn’t either. But to be honest, I didn’t really pay any more attention.”

She nods and turns her head back to the mirror so that the hairstylist can do her job. I absent-mindedly leaf through the pages of my script, looking for the training center part of the movie. I briefly met with Francis over at the catering tent before Jen arrived and he told me the scenes we would be shooting today. In my case, it involves a lot of wary looking at the other tributes, pretending to try on the dyes with the actors playing the “morphlings”, and staying next to Jen most of the time, as Peeta is trying to protect Katniss as best as he can. I barely have any lines since the focus is mostly on Jen for that part, but we’re supposed to be filming the private sessions scenes as well, and the script gives me a whole scene to myself where I have to pretend to paint the look of one of the tributes from the first film as Katniss covered her body with flowers after she died, thus infuriating the gamemakers.

“I can’t wait to start filming,” Jen sighs. “I’ve missed playing Katniss.”

“Me too,” I answer, reading the script with attention.

“You missed playing Katniss?” she teases me with a grin.

I look up at her playful eyes and return her smile.

“I missed you playing Katniss. And I missed playing Peeta.”

It’s true. I missed watching her giving me an actual acting class just by the way she naturally embodies and understands her character and by the way she always correctly displays complex human emotions on her face or in the mannerisms she takes during a scene. Of course, I also miss interacting with her while in the skin of my own character. She’s so powerful, we always just become Katniss and Peeta and it’s an amazing experience.

The hairstylist shoots some stuff in my hair to have it stay styled the way I’m supposed to have it for the first scenes. The make-up artist then comes to make my face pretty for the shoot and cover my wrist tattoo. When she’s done, I’m allowed to go to the costumes trailer, but I decide to wait for Jen since she’s almost done and we have to be on set at the same time anyway. While the make-up artist goes to fetch some brush, I look at my costar’s reflection in the mirror. She seems thoughtful, her mind lost somewhere unreachable.

“Penny for your thoughts,” I say in a low voice.

She lifts her head to look at my own reflection in the mirror, then smiles.

“I was thinking about the crowds at the premieres and mall tour stops,” she admits. I remember it like it was yesterday. The fans are sweet, but it can get overwhelming pretty quick. Many times, I had to comfort Jen in the car when we left the venues, as she was emotionally spent from being stressed out. “It’s gonna be even crazier this time around,” she adds.

“Yep, it probably will be,” I say softly, trying to imagine as well the masses of fans watching us at the premieres.

“But you know what? Come here,” she says, gesturing to the side of her face. I walk the few steps that separate me from her and bend over so that my ear is aligned with her lips. The blow of air that comes out of her mouth tickles my skin and I have to take a deep breath to calm the bolt of excitement that shoots through my body at the sensation. She whispers in my ear.

“I’m glad you’re here with me. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I’d probably have had a nervous breakdown.”

I slowly turn my face to see her grateful eyes, and my lips quickly turn into a smile.

“Maybe. But maybe not. You probably would have gotten close to the actor who would have played my part. You wouldn’t have been alone in all this, Jen.”

“I know. But it wouldn’t have been the same without you. And I’m glad you’ll be here with me again.”

“I’m glad we’re in this together too,” I reply, leaning in for a good hug. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine for a little while.

I straighten up before people can see us and get the wrong impression. I’m not as wary of professionals as I am of paparazzi and extras, but still. Jen wouldn’t like it if false rumors about us spread in the rags.

The make-up artist comes back with the brush, I look at my script again and finally, Jen is deemed ready for costuming. This time, it’s me who leaves the trailer and reach the costumes one first. I go up the stairs and meet with Trish, who is carrying two hangers.

“Josh! Have you seen Jennifer?” she says, her eyes visibly shining brightly with excitement.

“Yes, she was in hair and make-up, she’ll be here in a minute.”

“Good. I’ve got your costumes, you can go change. If I’m not mistaken, you’re expected on set right after. I’ll meet you there when all the actors are costumed and we’ll make sure everything fits perfectly for filming.”

“Alright, thank you Trish,” I say as I take my costume from her hands and Jen enters the trailer at the same moment. Trish greets her and hands her the costume. I disappear behind a curtain and change into the training outfit. It’s pretty comfortable, given we’ll have to do physical exercise in it. And it’s sleeveless, which is a good thing as I’m always too hot. I notice Trish has made some alterations since the last time, as the suit feels a little bit tighter than when I first tried it on. I guess she must have liked the look that closer-fitting costumes gave to Peeta.

I get back into the main room and tie my shoes while I wait for Jen to meet me.

“Ready?” she whispers in my ear. I didn’t hear her coming.

“Sure.”

 

* * *

 

I thought I would miss Gary on the set, but I find out I like Francis’ style of directing and personality so much that I don’t even think of dwelling on the past. He knows what he wants us to do, has a clear vision of the shots and knows how to explain it to us clearly.

Even though it’s going to be a long shoot, it’s also a huge movie, so the schedule is tight for a film of that scale and we cannot afford not to be efficient. Most of the time, I wander around on set, observing the cast filming their scenes and hanging around with Sam. He, like most of the other actors playing the rest of the tributes, doesn’t have a lot of scenes to film. His most memorable one involves Jen: she’s working on tying knots when he reaches behind her seductively, wraps his arms around her and finishes the knot for her. Jen is perfect playing a shocked Katniss, and Sam shows us for the first time why exactly he nailed the part. His Finnick is just the right amount of sexy, flirtatious and mysterious.

When it’s time for lunch break, I’m first to leave the set to go back to my trailer. There, I find Andre and Driver waiting for me.

“Hey, how was it?”

“We’re getting somewhere,“ I reply, closing the door behind me. “Francis is really efficient, he got most of the shots of the other tributes out of the way early. We still have some general shots to do plus the private scenes with the gamemakers tonight.”

“Good. Now, will you tell me what happened last night exactly?”

I shake my head while making my way to the table to drop my script.

“Andre, Jen is coming here in a few minutes. It’s her trailer too, remember?”

“Yeah, but I thought she was gonna have lunch somewhere else since she wasn’t with you.”

“No. We just decided not to walk outside together since I saw paps near the parking this morning. The last thing she wants is to be linked romantically to me, you know.” I pause. “We’re not gonna give them a chance to picture us together. Even though I don’t think it would change anything, there’s no way they’d link us together anyway, but Jen doesn’t want to risk it.”

Andre frowns while putting a bowl of dog food on the floor for Driver, who runs to it as soon as it touches the ground.

“Why do you say that?”

“Why do I say what?” I furrow my eyebrows.

“That they wouldn’t link you together. They’ve done it in the past.”

“That was before she showed up to all premieres with six-inch heels and towered over me like a giant,” I say with a smirk. “Now I’m too short for her.”

“You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“No, I don’t,” I sigh. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. And if it has the nice side effect to avoid rumors on her love life, I’m all for it.”

Jen opens the door to the trailer, carrying two Styrofoam boxes.

“Here,” she says, handing me one of the take-out boxes. “Tomorrow, it’s your turn.”

“Sure, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She winks at me.

“Nothing for me?” Andre asks with a smile.

“Go get it yourself, I’m not your assistant. You’re lucky I actually did your job by getting one for Josh,” she says in a playful accusatory tone.

“Fine, fine,” he replies, holding his hands up in the air. “I’ll go get it. Behave!”

“Yeah, sure,” I say with a smile.

Andre leaves the trailer and closes the door behind him. I sit at the small table with Jen taking a seat next to me. I open the box to discover another drab plate of chicken, asparagus and a micro ball of mashed potatoes.

“Wow... at least it smells good.”

“You’re not gonna be picky now,” she teases me.

“Of course, not.”

I fetch two water bottles from the nearby fridge and Jen thanks me. We start eating in silence.

“I wish Andre wasn’t there,” she suddenly says.

“Why?” I reply, startled.

“I don’t know. I like when we’re alone and I can speak about anything with you. Sit on the couch next to you, relax together. I don’t think I’ll be at ease knowing he’s there or he can come back any time.”

On the set of the first movie, we had separate trailers, so even though she would spend most of her time in my own trailer, when we felt like we needed more privacy, we’d just move to hers. I guess I could ask Andre to leave us alone for a while, but I know it’s not a solution as he would probably get the wrong idea.

“I understand,” I say in a soft voice after swallowing a bite of chicken. At least, it tastes good. “I wish we had more privacy too. I could still find an excuse to keep him out of the trailer for some time?”

“Like what?”

I shrug.

“I don’t know.”

I laugh to hide my nervousness. I look around the place and spot my dog, sleeping at the other end of the trailer at the foot of the bed.

“I got it,” I say. “When he comes back, he’ll have his lunch, and I’ll have him take Driver for a walk. That should keep him busy for some time.”

“Good idea.”

She smiles a little and goes back to her food. I watch her eating for a moment, thinking about her strange request. Why does she want to spend alone time with me so desperately, when we’re staying close to each other off set and can spend all our evenings together when we’re done filming? Maybe that’s the thing. She wants to spend time with me, but she doesn’t want us to spend the whole night together again. That must be the reason. As disappointed as it makes me, I have to admit that, rationally, it’s a better idea. I sense we really came close to crossing a dangerous line last night, and as much as I yearn for her, I don’t want her to get in trouble with her boyfriend. Even less so given my suspicions about him.

Andre comes back with his food just as we’re done with ours. I take the boxes, throw them in the trash and sit back at the table, a bit reluctantly. Fortunately, Andre has picked some sort of wrap sandwich, so I figure I can actually ask him to go walk Driver even if he’s not done with his lunch.

“Andre?” I ask after he has eaten half of his sandwich in a few bites. He looks at me quizzically. “I think Driver would like to take a walk.”

As if on cue, my dog rises from his place at the other end of the trailer and sits next to Andre, pleading him to take him outside. Andre’s gaze goes from Jen’s impassible one to my questioning one, and he sighs, picking up the leash from the table and latching it onto Driver’s collar.

“Alright. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

He grabs the rest of his sandwich in one hand, the end of the leash in the other and opens the door with his elbow. He starts climbing down the steps, but Driver is scared of walking down. I smile and go pick him up, bringing him down the stairs easily. Down there, I spot the paps on top of a fence and fake-smile at them. I quickly go back inside, lock the door and crash on the couch. Jen comes sit next to me, casually dropping her head on my shoulder. I take her hand and slowly trace circles on her delicate skin.

“What did you want to talk about?” I ask her softly.

“I saw the paps when I was getting back here with the food,” she answers in a low voice.” I don’t think they saw me though, but they’ll probably still be there when we have to go back on set.”

“I know.”

“How can you always be so positive when they’re around?”

She lifts her head to stare at me. I take a deep breath to try to hide the feelings her tender gaze brings to me.

“I don’t know,” I answer, shaking my head slightly. “It’s different for me. I’m not the star of this franchise. I’m not an Academy Award nominee. I’m just a B-list actor whom nobody really cares about. I don’t think they make that much money with me, so they’re not really interested in me anyway.”

“They never stalked your house?”

I chuckle.

“Jen, I live in a treehouse. It’s so far from the road, they know I could call the cops and have them arrested for trespassing if they tried. But I don’t think they would anyway. I’m just not that interesting for them.”

“I should hang out at your place more often,” she says, resting her head back on my shoulder.

“Maybe. But they could still catch you entering my property. They’d know you’re hanging out with me.”

She stays silent for a while, to the point where I wonder if she has fallen asleep. She finally surprises me by voicing a thought I never would have expected coming from her.

“You seemed to have a lot of fun with Sam over there.”

“Yeah, he’s a good friend,” I say, resuming my innocent caresses on her hand. “Why, does that bother you?”

“No, of course not,” she exclaims a little too enthusiastically.

“Are you sure? You sounded a bit jealous...” I smile mischievously.

She quickly pulls away from me and glares at me.

“Me, jealous? Why would I be?”

“Jen, we’re always spending our time together on set,” I explain. “For once, I have a new friend coming along and so I spend more time around him and less around you. I would understand-“

“I’m not jealous,” she says stubbornly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“If you say so. Come here?” I gesture to my open arms. She sighs and cuddles me again.

The truth is that I’m glad Sam came along and I can have a little space away from Jen. The more I think about what happened last night, the more I’m convinced that I need to hang out with other people in order to avoid getting too close to her. Ironically, with her lying in my arms at the moment, I’m doing the total opposite, but I figure it won’t become a daily occurrence. She needed comfort today because she’s scared of the paps. When we move to film somewhere else, somewhere where security is strengthened, she won’t have that problem and thus, won’t need my arms to make her feel better.

Still, I can’t help but feel somewhat happy that she cares enough about me to be jealous of my relationship with Sam, and I savour that moment when she’s pressed against my body, as if I could shield her from the dangers of the world, and hope that it will happen again in the near future.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m slowly starting to realize that I should be more careful around Josh, but I can’t help myself. His presence makes me feel so much better, and with the paparazzi stalking us outside, I really need the comfort he always brings me. So when he invites me to snuggle with him on the couch, I don’t hesitate, even though I’m starting to expect the strong sensations that having my body pressed against his will rouse in my whole being.

And I’m not mistaken.

As soon as I drop my head on his shoulder and he wraps his arm around me, I feel goosebumps cover  my entire body. When he delicately touches my hand, it fills me with a heat that I realize I’m starting to crave.

I’m afraid my body is trying to show me that I’m slowly falling in love with him. It shouldn’t happen, I should do everything for it not to happen, as I have to think about Nick first. We’ve been together for two years, he deserves better than for me to dump him because I fell in love with another costar. I’m not ready to leave him of course, I’m still in love with him, but the closer I get to Josh, the more I yearn for him – not for my boyfriend.

Maybe I’m just confusing love and comfort. But I can’t deny the fact that I’m more and more attracted to Josh, and I feel like I connect less and less with Nick.

I guess it’s time to stop sulking and Skype him tonight.

Meanwhile, I really needed to talk with Josh during our lunchtime. I’m glad he found an excuse to get us rid of Andre; he’s very nice and I appreciate his presence with us on set, but I need my privacy with Josh even more. He’s not dumb though: he must have guessed that there was something going on between me and Josh, albeit totally platonic. But he’s such a good friend to Josh - and to me, by extension- that he doesn’t push the matter further and leaves us alone. I guess he’s gonna tease Josh about it tonight, but I don’t really care as I’ll be busy having a long overdue discussion with my boyfriend. I need to clear things up with him if we want to salvage our relationship. I can’t keep going like this: every time I think about him, I recall our fight and it makes me angry.

I focus on Josh’s soothing caresses on my hand and sigh. I wish I could stay in his arms for the rest of the day, but I know we have to be on set in an hour and Andre will be back in more or less twenty minutes. Still, I’ll make the most of our time together, just the two of us.

I can’t help but drop a hint about the fact that his newfound closeness to Sam upsets me. I love him: he’s nice, charming, funny, and we get along very well, but for the first time since we started making these films, I missed my best friend while he was right next to me. It was like I didn’t exist at all. His attention was focused on Sam all the time while they played around, talked about soccer, and made jokes all throughout the morning. Fortunately, I had many shots to film, so I didn’t have to stand there like an idiot while they seemed to be having the time of their lives, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Josh didn’t need me to enjoy himself on set anymore.

The problem is that I enjoy his company so much that I couldn’t help but feel left out and lonely.

He teased me by accusing me of being jealous. And I have to admit that indeed, I was jealous of Sam. I guess that little moment for ourselves in our trailer will make up for it, as in this moment, he’s making me feel like he’s not interested by anybody else in the world. I feel safe, understood, and supported. He took my concerns about the paparazzi to heart and cared enough to make sure we weren’t seen together and photographed. The last thing I need right now is rumors that there is something going on between us, as I already have enough issues to deal with in my real relationship with Nick.

But in that private space of ours, I can enjoy Josh’s arms as much as I want without fearing the rumors. Unless Andre comes back too early, but then again, he’s quiet, and Josh locked the door anyway.

Josh doesn’t say a word and starts playing with the end of my braid. I can’t help but inhale his scent. He smells like fresh laundry and the faint remains of the costumes trailer odor.

“We should get ready to go back on set,” he says in a soft voice, without moving an inch.

“Yeah, we should,” I sigh.

But neither of us makes a move to leave the couch. I slowly lift my head and lose myself in his beautiful hazel eyes. I try to figure out what he’s thinking. I know I don’t want to leave his embrace yet, but does he feel the same thing? He still hasn’t moved. He finally sighs and lets go of my braid.

“I don’t wanna go yet,” he murmurs.

“I don’t either,” I whisper back.

He tightens his hold on my shoulder to bring me closer to his side and I moan quietly, briefly resting my head under his chin. I finally move to get up. The more time I spend in his arms, the more confused I get, and the more I tend to think I’ll never want to let go.

Suddenly, I realize that when I make up with Nick, I’ll probably hurt Josh if he thinks there’s more than friendship between us. And I have to admit that since we got in Atlanta and saw each other again, we’ve been getting incredibly closer to crossing that line. That’s another reason to put the fight with Nick behind me, as I don’t want to cause Josh’s heart to break even more.

“I’m gonna Skype Nick tonight,” I say nonchalantly, walking to the end of the trailer to take my coat. It’s warm and sunny outside, but there’s no way I’m letting these assholes of photographers take a picture of me. I’m gonna cover up as much as I can.

“That’s a good idea,” Josh answers. His voice breaks in the middle and I turn around. His expression is unreadable, but I think I heard a trace of sadness in his tone. “You need to clear things up with him, about your fight.”

“I wanna find out why he asked me to move too.”

“Aren’t you afraid you’ll end up fighting about it again?” he asks, grabbing his phone from the table.

“I will have to take care of the matter sooner or later. Better get it over with as soon as possible. I already dragged this way too long.”

He nods. I put my coat on, the hoodie covering my head as much as I can, and walk in front of him. He smiles but doesn’t make a comment.

“I’ll let you go first,” he says softly. “I’ll get back on set in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Before I open the door, I hug him as close as I can. I know that from the moment I get out of this trailer, I’ll have to act differently around him. I’m still wary of showing off our close friendship to strangers on set. When I slowly remove myself from his embrace, our gazes lock for a few seconds before he ushers me out.

“Before Andre comes back...” he trails with a smile.

I return his smile and turn around to leave, holding the hoodie as tightly as I can over my head.

 

* * *

 

“Hello darling...”

I’m sitting on my bed cross-legged, my laptop computer resting in front of me on the comforter. Nick’s handsome face has just appeared on the screen and despite the mix of emotions seeing him brings up in me – including anger – I’m mostly happy to see him. It’s not the same as seeing each other in real life, but it’s the next best thing we have for the moment.

Nick smiles warmly when he hears my voice.

“I didn’t expect your call tonight,” he says.

“I thought it was long overdue. You know, after the way we left each other last time you visited me...”

“Yeah.” He looks down. “I’m sorry Jen. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. You needed time to think about my proposition and I went too fast. Are you still mad at me?”

“Honestly?”

“Of course.”

I stare at the screen for a few seconds before answering.

“I was. But since you’re apologizing, I guess we’ll be fine. There’s nothing more you can do, right? It’s no use holding a grudge for that.”

“You’re right,” he replies, his face turning into a foolish grin.

He doesn’t add anything. I don’t know what else to say. I’ve always had a hard time maintaining long distance conversations, especially with Nick. We’re both pretty private people, and the camera makes me feel like I’m talking to an audience sometimes. Still, we usually have lots of things to say to each other. This time, maybe because we’re still reeling of our fight even though we’re both trying to put it behind us, the words just don’t seem to come.

“How is the set? Do you like your new director?” he finally asks with a sigh. I realize he’s just making small talk; he doesn’t look interested at all. I answer anyway.

“We started filming the training center stuff. And yes, I love Francis Lawrence, you can see he has a clear vision for the story and he’s very good at explaining it to actors. It’s like, you get what he means instantly. He has a way with words.”

“Nice.” He barely hides his bored look.

“And you?”

“Yeah, set is nice, the other actors are friendly.”

I nod. He’s always been a man of few words, but I have a nagging feeling he doesn’t feel like talking to me tonight. I decide we’ve had enough small talk and need to get to the serious matters.

“Why did you want me to move to London, Nick?”

He takes a moment to think before answering. I see him blink a few times, his eyes moving as if he was looking everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

“Because I wanna have you near me, Jen,” he finally says in a soft voice. “I miss you. I figured we could see each other more often if you moved here with me.”

“And how am I supposed to get more work if I’m in London? My career is here, Nick.”

“You’ve got _The Hunger Games_ for quite a few more years. Your movie with David O’Russell is getting so much praise, you won’t ever need to audition again. So why do you need to stay there? You’re always filming on location anyway, so what does it matter if you stay in Europe in between shootings?”

“And how am I supposed to see my friends if I’m never here?”

He’s silent for a while. My heart starts beating faster. The longest he takes before answering, the more I realize that Josh was right. Part of the reason he wanted me away from L.A. was likely to keep me away from him.

“You can visit them sometimes, I guess,” he finally shrugs.

“Sometimes?” I frown.

“What does it matter anyway?” He raises the tone of his voice ever so slightly. “You spent all last summer with me in Africa and you never complained about not seeing your friends! I know you barely texted them either. Don’t you want us to spend all our free time together?”

I’m speechless. How can he downplay the importance of my friends that way? It’s true that I didn’t keep in touch enough with them over the last summer, but I’ve been seeing the consequences ever since I landed in Atlanta: I’m craving Josh’s closeness like crazy.

“I don’t want us to spend all our time together,” I reply in a low voice.

His eyes get wide. I keep going.

“I want time to spend with my friends as well. I made a mistake last summer. I should have kept in touch with them. I missed them, Nick.”

“You mean you missed him.”

Josh was right all along: Nick is answering all of my concerns without me even having to ask. I never thought he could be jealous of my friendship with Josh, but he’s giving me a strong hint here.

“Yes, I missed him. He’s my best friend, beside you.”

“And I’m your boyfriend.”

I frown.

“What’s your point here? I don’t get it.”

“You should be wanting to spend time with me, not him.”

And yet, the more he speaks, the more I want to just flap my laptop, grab my keys and drive to Josh’s place.

“Are you jealous?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course, not. Why would I be? There’s no way you could be attracted to him.”

I’m stunned to realize that he’s using the exact same words as Josh. It’s like they spoke beforehand or something. I know they likely haven’t, but I still find it odd. I decide not to contradict him though, knowing full well that I am indeed attracted to my costar. Nick isn’t done with the subject, though.

“He’s so short...”

“Nick!” I exclaim.

“What? It’s true“He laughs.

“No, it’s not,” I reply, trying very hard to keep my cool and avoid showing how pissed his comments are making me. “Anyway... he’s just a friend. So you have nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

For once, I consider myself a pretty good actress; Nick doesn’t seem to realize that I’m almost lying. Josh is just a friend, but he’s a close friend who gives me butterflies when I see him and who makes my heart beat faster with every touch. But still, the more I think about Nick’s attitude, the stronger the urge to shut down the computer gets. How dare he insult my best friend that way? Unknowingly, he finally cuts short my dilemma for me.

“Well, it’s pretty late, so I’m gonna go to bed. I’ve had a long day. Talk to you tomorrow?”

Given the things he said, I don’t think I want to talk to him tomorrow. I’d rather have another sleepover with Josh, but falling asleep in my own bed, this time.

“No, I’m working late tomorrow night,” I lie. “Maybe the next day, but I’m not sure yet.”

“Oh, okay,” he says, visibly disappointed. “Talk to you another time, then. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

He blows me a kiss and his image disappears as he exits the program. I stare at the screen for a while before doing the same, thinking back on everything he just said. I’m mostly angry by what he insinuated about Josh, but I know I’m fooling myself. I’m angry at myself because I know there’s a part of truth in his insecurities. Before I get ready for bed, my phone buzzes with a text message.

JOSH: Good night, Jen. See you tomorrow. I miss you.

I can’t help the grin spreading on my face when I see his words. I finally type back an answer and lie down on my bed.

JENNIFER: Good night Josh. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I miss you too.


	8. Chapter 8

**Josh’s POV**

I’m more confused than ever after my first full day of filming. As much as I was convinced in the morning that she was crushing any hope of us ever becoming more than friends, I truly begin wondering if she isn’t starting to feel a little something for me too given the way she clung to me over lunch and didn’t want to let go.

It scares me, because she’s still with her boyfriend. I don’t want to be the reason for their break-up, if they ever do break up. But I have to acknowledge that I’m not responsible for the way Jen behaves towards me, even more so when she’s the one actually throwing herself in my arms and not letting go.

When it was time to go back on set after our lunch break, I dared express how good I felt with her in my arms. I expected her to get startled and immediately jump off me, but she surprised me by admitting she felt the same way.

I could still smell the scent of her shampoo, feel the warmth of her skin, hear the lovely sound of her voice near my ear, even hours after getting back home. Yet, these sweet memories quickly got buried in my mind by the fact she had crushed me once again before she left the trailer. I had waited a few minutes before making my way to the set, willing the tears not to fall.

When I got back from work with Andre tonight, he tried to push me to tell him what happened last night but I wasn’t in the mood for that conversation and he respected that. I was still thinking about the way Jen casually mentioned Nick after we had cuddled on the couch. It was like she had stabbed me in the heart. One minute she’s giving me hope, the next she’s reminding me that she deeply loves him and I’m just a friend. I know I have to accept it, but her behavior just makes everything more confusing to me. I really thought she felt good in my arms.

In reality, she just needed someone to comfort her over the paps situation, to temporarily replace her boyfriend who was away. I try to convince myself that she didn’t really mean to lead me on; she was just enjoying the comfort a little too much.

Tonight, she’s having a Skype date with her boyfriend and she must relish every single minute of it.

It’s getting late and we have an early call tomorrow, so I decide to text her and go to bed after. As I reach the hallway to go brush my teeth, I find Andre waiting in front of the bathroom door, effectively keeping me from going in there. I sigh and cross my arms.

“You’re too curious,” I say, slightly annoyed.

“Maybe. But I’m also concerned, Josh. You’re not going to bed before telling me what happened. You’ve been miserable all night long. What did she do again?”

I snap my head at him, startled by his implication that somehow, Jen is responsible for my current sour mood. In a way, she is, but it’s absolutely not her fault.

I realize the only way to get rid of his insistent ways will be to tell him the truth. I finally nod.

“Okay, let me change and I’ll meet you in the living room.”

 

* * *

 

I eventually recount everything to Andre over a cup of hot chocolate, from the previous night Jen and I ended up spending together after she fell asleep on top of me, to her thinly veiled reminder that her feelings for her boyfriend were still strong, to the way she couldn’t have enough of my arms during lunch time but couldn’t wait to get home to chat with Nick over Skype.

“I don’t understand her at all, Andre,” I sigh. “It’s all so fucked up.”

“It really seems like she truly cares about you,” he finally says. “She wouldn’t cling to you so much otherwise. Almost as if she was scared of losing you. Maybe she even has some romantic feelings for you. That wouldn’t surprise me at all, the way you describe it.”

“Nope, that’s impossible,” I shake my head dejectedly. “I guess she’s just using me to comfort her in place of her boyfriend. She would have done the same thing with any of her friends, but I happened to be the one there when she needed it.”

He frowns.

“You really think that?”

“Of course,” I reply, putting my cup back on the table. “What else is there to think? I told you. I realize I was just a shoulder to lean on, a pillow to rest her worries away. She’s using me.”

“Then stop letting her use you.”

I chuckle sadly.

“I can’t. It’s more complicated than that. Every time I touch her, I turn to jelly in a half-second. I feel so good with her in my arms... I know I’m just torturing myself even further, but I can’t keep myself from doing it. And it’s even worse since we’re sharing our trailer. I have no way to put space between us, unless you chaperone us, but then again, I will still be hanging around with her and she’ll be mad at you for acting like a cockblock.”

I thought I was strong enough to act as a friend around her, but that was before she started throwing herself at me every chance she gets. I look down and sigh.

“Maybe when she clears things up with Nick, she’ll realize I’m not what she needs and she’ll leave me some more space. I won’t have to call her on that.”

Andre shakes his head and grins.

“You’re not losing hope, are you? You know what, with the way she was checking you out in your costume today, and the spark that lights her eyes when she sees you... I think it’s not a bad idea. Not bad at all. What will you do?”

“Right now, I’m going to bed cause I’m tired as hell. Tomorrow I’m working, we’ll see what happens. I’m pretty sure she’ll have made up with her boyfriend and she’ll forget all about me. If not, I can always hang out with Sam on set. It worked today, that was the only time in the day when I didn’t think about her at all.”

I don’t mention the fact that Jen was clearly jealous of that time I spent playing with Sam.

“That’s a pretty good strategy,” he admits with a smile.

 

* * *

 

I wake up the next morning to a wave of melancholy. I remember Jen’s response to my last text to her. “I can’t wait to see you. I miss you too.” She must have sent that after she was done with her conversation with Nick. Yet, she still seemed to be looking forward to seeing me. I had toyed with the idea of calling her or texting her further to know how it all went down, but I figured if she wanted to talk to me about it, she’d tell me herself. I’m not gonna pull an Andre and harass her over it.

Still, I’m glad Andre was so insistent in having me open up to him. As much as I would have liked to keep everything to myself, I needed to let it all out and have the opinion of someone outside of us to see things more clearly. I’m still as confused as I was yesterday, but now I know it’s a normal reaction in the circumstances. And she’s likely as confused as I am, given her behavior.

This time, I don’t bother having a nice breakfast, intending on taking advantage of the food tent on set to the fullest. Andre woke up before me and is already waiting for me in the living room, gently stroking Driver’s fur. I get ready as quickly as I can and we all leave together.

When I get off the car, I immediately head to my trailer to drop my stuff. When I open the door, Jen is already there, wearing tight jeans and a loose brown shirt, and bending over her script that lays on the table. I freeze in my tracks. I thought I would have some time to myself before having to face her. I’m not ready to hear her gushing about how her boyfriend finally apologized and she can’t wait to see him again. I feel Andre’s presence behind me and guess his look over my shoulder. He quickly mentions going to fetch our breakfasts before backtracking towards the catering tent. I enter the trailer and close the door behind me.

“Hi,” I say softly.

“Hi, Josh!” she replies with a large smile. She then quickly hugs me before going back over her script and writing stuff in the margin. Gone is the insecure Jennifer I hung out with yesterday. In her place is over-confident Jen who can’t wait to start to work. Her chat with Nick must have gone better than I thought last night. I try not to show any reaction and share her enthusiasm.

“Ready to work?” I say, dropping my backpack on the couch and taking out my own copy of the script.

“As always.”

“Good. You were here early.”

“Oh, I just came here right before you,” she says, looking at me with the bright smile that always makes me melt in her presence. “I woke up early, so I figured it was useless to wait at home, all alone.”

“I guess. Had a good night?”

“Yep, I slept pretty well.”

I only nod and turn around to take a deep breath. So basically she didn’t lose any sleep over Nick being a jerk. I don’t even need to ask her how it went.

“I’m happy for you,” I finally drop in what I can only hope is my most convincing casual tone. She’ll think I’m talking about her good night, while I’ll know what I mean is deeper. I’m forcing myself to be happy that she made up with her boyfriend, even if it shatters me inside.

Get your shit together, Hutcherson, it was good while it lasted.

“Josh?” she says, taking me by the arm so that I don’t have a choice but turn around to face her. Her eyes plunge into mine and her face suddenly takes on a very serious expression. “You were right about Nick. He partly did it so that I would be away from you.”

I drop my gaze and sigh.

“Does it really matter, Jen? Maybe it will be better for all of us,” I say softly.

“What do you mean?” She truly looks confused, her eyebrows furrowing.

“I mean that it may be better for your relationship if I’m not around you. If you think he’s jealous, having me near you all the time isn’t gonna help. You’d get along better if he didn’t have a reason to be jealous. Of course, we both now he has nothing to worry about when it comes to us, right?”

She doesn’t answer, only biting her lip while dropping her gaze to the floor. I lift her chin up so that she doesn’t have a choice but to look me in the eyes.

“You still love him, I can see it in your face,” I murmur.

“Josh...” she whispers back, closing her eyes while my fingers travel slowly from her chin to her right cheek in a delicate caress.

“No, it’s okay, don’t worry,” I reply in a stronger voice. She opens her eyes and stares at me while I speak. “Maybe you should just wait before taking a decision. We’ll film the movie, we’ll go back to L.A, you’ll attend award season thingies and I’ll travel a little bit. I’ll give you space. You were happy this summer, right?”

“Yes... but-“

“Then that will be for the best.”

I pause, trying hard not to let any emotions show. I’m getting better at this. She seems like she’s thinking about it. The more she looks at the distance, the harder it gets. She finally shakes her head and starts pacing in the room.

“No. No, no, no, no. That doesn’t work. I don’t know what I want, but I sure know what I don’t want.”

She stops inches from me and sighs.

“I don’t want to be apart from you. Not any more than necessary.”

I sigh and look down.

“Jen...”

“No, Josh, it’s true. Don’t shove the fact I barely texted you this summer back in my face, please.” She continues in a soft voice. “I thought about you all the time. I really missed you. I know I would miss you too much if I left for London.”

“But you’d be rid of the paparazzi and you wouldn’t fight with Nick because of me anymore.”

“I don’t fight with Nick because of you.”

“True. But he hates me enough to try and keep you away from me. There must be a reason.”

“I don’t care.”

I look up into her eyes and finally see the bright spark that Andre was talking about. Slowly, she wraps her arms around my shoulders to hug me. I let my arms snake around her waist and bring her even closer to me. After a while, she makes no move to let me go, even though it’s obvious it’s no longer a strictly friendly hug. I dare turn my face a little bit towards her neck and let my lips barely touch her soft skin. She sighs and rests her head on my shoulder. When we finally pull away, she keeps her arms crossed around my neck and I leave mine resting on her lower back.

“Why are you doing this?” I speak softly.

I see her eyes drop to my mouth for a second, then go back up to meet my gaze.

“I feel good when I’m with you, Josh. You make me feel good.”

I simply nod and look at the floor. She’s basically confirming that she’s only using me, just like I thought this morning. I don’t know why I let myself hope there could have been some genuine feelings there.

I reluctantly let my arms drop from her body and remove her arms delicately from around my neck. She stares at me with a puzzled expression.

“Andre is gonna be there soon, you don’t want him to think there’s something between us, right?” I smile sadly.

I turn around to better hide the tears that burn at the back of my eyelids. She puts her hands on my shoulders but doesn’t make a move to force me to face her.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Stop using me for comfort, Jen,” I finally say. Andre would be proud of me if he’d hear me step up to her like that.

“What do you mean?”

“I have feelings too, you know. You can’t just lead me on like that all the time. Stop it.”

She’s quiet for a moment, likely trying to figure out where I come from. She clearly doesn’t even realize what she’s doing. I break the silence.

“I never expected we could be together or something one day, obviously, but when you act like this around me, you make me feel things. Even though you probably don’t want to.”

“Josh, I feel things too-“ I feel her bring her body closer to mine.

“No, it’s not the same,” I interrupt her. “It can’t be the same.”

“You still think I couldn’t love you?”

I dare turn around and look at her, the tears seriously threatening to start pouring any second now. She looks like she’s about to cry too. I don’t know why. Maybe she’s feeling guilty because I can’t hide the sadness I feel anymore.

“Yes.”

And with that, I have no choice but to leave the trailer. I can’t face her anymore.

I turn around, open the door and see Andre not far away, petting Driver’s head and waiting for either one of us to come out of the trailer. Since he obviously didn’t go to the catering tent with the dog, I head there by myself for a coffee. This is going to be a very long day.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

My life is getting so confusing. After last night’s conversation with Nick, I thought I had pretty much figured out where I stood with both him and Josh, but it all went through the window when I saw Josh again this morning. With his lovely smile, tight black t-shirt that showed off his strong muscles and shades that highlighted his seemingly carefree attitude, I melted again. I had to fight the urge to jump in his arms. Instead, I settled for a more subdued hug. I was glad Andre left us alone, but I didn’t expect what happened next.

At first, Josh was so cold and distant that I didn’t seem to recognize him at all. And then, we inevitably talked about Nick and all hell broke loose. Somehow, I just wanted to explain to him that he had been right all along: Nick had behaved like a jerk towards me and I was not ready to forgive him yet. I didn’t even know if I would ever want to forgive him.

But instead of being understanding of the situation and acknowledging that I truly needed him in my life, Josh gave me what felt like a goodbye hug, and tried as much as he could to convince me that my place was beside Nick and that I couldn’t possibly be having feelings for him. When he left the trailer, I stayed frozen in place, already missing the safety of his arms.

More and more, I couldn’t deny my strong attraction to him.

And then, it hit me that I never longed for Nick that way anymore, yet I would think about Josh nonstop and take every chance of touching him I could.

I followed his silhouette until he was out of sight inside the catering tent, then I closed the door, turned around and took a deep breath to hold the tears from falling down on my cheeks. A deep feeling of gloom invaded my whole being at the thought of the way he seemed to believe I only used him for comfort. So I finally let the tears flow for a few minutes, thinking that it would give me time to put myself back together before leaving for the hair and make-up trailer.

All of a sudden, as I’m sitting on the ground wiping my eyes, the door of the trailer opens. Justine comes in and lets out a cry of shock when she sees me sobbing on the floor.

“Jen, what happened? Come here,” she gives me her hand to help me get up and leads me to the couch. I take a deep breath and clear my throat.

“It’s nothing. I was overwhelmed,” I say in a small voice.

“Where’s Josh?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you crying because of him? If he hurt you I’m gonna-“

“Justine! He didn’t hurt me. It’s the other way around, really.”

She looks at me, her eyes wide as saucers.

“We’re both idiots,” I add, covering my eyes with the palm of my hand.

“Yeah, I already knew that,” she chuckles lightly. “But what happened? You can tell me anything.”

“I know.”

She walks back to the door and locks it, before making her way back to the couch and sitting next to me, looking at me expectantly.

“I think I’m falling in love with Josh,” I slowly let out.

“Oh, Jen... that’s not good, not good at all... what about Nick?” She says in a low voice.

I grit my teeth. I can only think of our conversation last night and the way he acted all jealous and made fun of Josh’s looks. The anger I felt last night suddenly comes back to the surface.

“I don’t know where I stand towards Nick. He asked me something lately and it opened up a can of worms.”

“What do you mean?”

I sigh and quickly tell her the story of Nick’s move in proposal. I’m careful to include all the important details like the fact he wanted us to move to London to make sure I wouldn’t see my best guy friend anymore or how poorly he reacted when I asked him to give me time to think about it.

“This is not the time to leave Hollywood,” she finally says. “Your career is just taking off.”

“I know! But he has a point in that I can’t stand the paps anymore. Living in London, they wouldn’t be so overwhelmingly present and I could live in peace. But...”

I trail off my sentence, thinking about being away from Josh. I feel a stab of pain in my chest at the idea of being separated from him once again.

“But?” She leans closer to me, inviting me to clarify my thoughts. I exhale loudly.

“But there’s Josh, too. I can’t leave him.”

“Why so?”

She looks truly puzzled. I frown. She definitely didn’t take me seriously when I said I thought I may be falling in love with him.

“Because I love him,” I say simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You love them both?” she asks softly, understandingly, taking my hand in hers.

“I don’t know.”

In fact, it’s not that hard to figure out. I don’t know if I’m still in love with Nick, and I don’t know if I’m already in love with Josh, but I know I do love them both. Justine nods.

“And what made you cry?”

“I feel so good when Josh is around me, Justine,” I sigh. “I crave him, even. But he’s hurt and he doesn’t get that I may be attracted to him. He thinks that because he’s so different from Nick, there’s no way I could ever love him. But he’s so wrong...”

My voice breaks at the end and I have to fight back the tears again. I keep going because I need to get it off my chest.

“He thinks I’m just using him for comfort, that I don’t really have feelings for him.”

“How far did you go?”

She’s asking me this with a neutral tone, devoid of any underlying judgment. I’m relieved.

“I didn’t cheat on Nick. We didn’t even kiss, even though I had to keep myself from doing it many times. I just can’t keep away from him, you know? We cuddle, I fell asleep in his arms the other day. That’s the farthest we’ve gone. I don’t want to cheat on Nick, and I don’t want to make a mistake either if I dump him. We’ve been together for two years, that counts for something too.”

She stares at me, studying me.

“You smile when you talk about Josh,” she finally says. “You seem resigned when you speak about Nick.”

“Maybe.”

She’s spot on. That’s exactly the way I feel towards Nick right now.

“I need to figure it out soon,” I add. “I can’t keep hurting Josh like that all the time.”

“And hurting yourself too.”

I frown.

“When do you see Nick next?” she asks.

“He’s visiting the set in a month. I Skyped him last night, but I don’t wanna talk to him tonight, I’m still too mad at him because of what he said about Josh.”

“What are you gonna do meanwhile?”

I shrug.

“Try to have fun... I don’t know.”

“And break Josh’s heart at the same time? Jen, you can’t keep leading him on!” She exclaims.

“It’s funny, he told me the same thing. So you think too that there’s no way I could love him?”

“That’s not what I said,” she replies with a shake of her head. “It’s just that you’ve been in a comfortable relationship with Nick for two years, it’s normal to want to feel the passion again after you fall in a routine. It happens to everybody. You just have to be careful not to let the love of your life go away because you’re attracted to someone else just for a passionate affair.”

I nod slowly, thinking about what she just said. It makes sense, but I’m still not convinced the pull I have for Josh is just a passing, issuing from my routinely dull relationship with Nick. Even back when I started dating him, I never felt such strong sensations every time he touched me. Objectively, there has never been such a tension surrounding us: at the time, neither of us was in a relationship, so there was nothing to stop us. But I still sense that what I’m experiencing with Josh is different.

He is different.

“Maybe I’ll figure it all out when I see Nick next,” I think out loud. “My feelings for him always tend to come back in full force when I see him in person.”

“Okay, but will you avoid Josh until then? You’ll still have to work with him on set, share his trailer...”

I think about it for a moment. There’s no way I could totally avoid Josh here, even if I wanted to. But the thing is that I don’t ever want to avoid him.

I wish I could spend all my free time lying in his arms.

“Maybe I could ask Nick for a break and see how it goes with Josh?” I suggest, looking up at Justine’s disapproving gaze.

“Mmmm, bad idea sweetie. What if you decide you miss Nick too much and have to dump Josh? You’ll break his heart. He doesn’t deserve this.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sigh. “There’s no way around this.”

“Leave Josh some space. Let him move on-“

“But I don’t want him to move on, I love him!” I interrupt her, immediately covering my mouth with my hand when I realize what I just voiced out loud.

“See? You’re ready to dump Nick but you don’t wanna hear about setting Josh free even though you’re not even in a relationship with him.”

She has a point.

“I’m so confused.”

Justine pats my thigh and speaks in a soothing voice.

“If you could spend the day alone with one of them right now, who would it be?”

I roll my eyes at her.

“That’s easy. That would be Josh. But that’s because Nick behaved like an ass when I last spoke to him.”

“And the time before?”

I remember the fight at my house.

“He was a jerk too...”

“And what about Josh?”

I finally let my lips lift in a huge grin. Maybe I should just stop asking myself so many questions and just let my heart guide me for now.

“I’ll be right back, I haven’t had breakfast yet.”

She flashes me a huge smile before I leave the trailer to run to the catering tent. Hopefully, Josh is still in there having his breakfast. I really want to make up for our misunderstanding.

 

* * *

 

When I reach the food tent, I immediately spot Andre sitting at a table and holding Driver’s leash in one hand while sipping his coffee in the other one. I don’t see Josh anywhere near them. I walk to him and sit on the chair closest to him.

“Hey Andre! Have you seen Josh?”

He almost glares at me and doesn’t answer.

“What?” I ask, a bit annoyed by his obnoxious attitude.

“Why do you want to know that?” He finally says in an icy tone.

“Because I need to talk to him.”

He closely examines my face before answering.

“Do you really enjoy hurting his feelings or what?”

“Hey, I was hurt too, okay?”

I take off my sunglasses to show him my red-rimmed eyes. He looks startled.

“Geez, what’s really going on between you two?”

“Honestly, it’s none of your business. I need to speak with Josh,” I repeat stubbornly.

“I know. But I’m not here just to babysit the dog, you know. I’m here to protect him. And not only physically.”

He pauses.

“Josh deserves better than to be led on and used.”

“That’s what he told you?” I ask dejectedly.

“I already suspected it.”

“Well, he’s wrong.”

“I know.”

Now it’s my turn to be startled.

“He’s in the hair and make-up trailer,” Andre finally says. “He didn’t eat cause he said he wasn’t hungry, but he drank three cups of coffee and left as soon as he could. I don’t think he wants to see you more than necessary, Jennifer.”

My heart sinks. Where did I mess up? I slowly get up, resigned.

“Let him be his own judge.”

 

* * *

 

When I enter the hair and make-up trailer, Josh is already gone to the costume one. I pretend everything is alright even though there’s a fire raging inside me. The longer I can’t speak with him, the more I feel he’ll suffer, and I don’t want him to be hurt any longer.

Fortunately, the braid and make-up don’t take much time to do at this point of the shoot, so I can quickly leave for the costume trailer. Obviously, when I get there, I just missed Josh by minutes. I hastily slip on my training costume, put the coat over it to hide from the paparazzi, and leave for the set.

Once I enter the exhibition room where we’ll be filming for the day, I spot Josh playing card games with Sam. I wait before I get any closer, observing him from afar. His stay at the make-up trailer erased any trace of his earlier breakdown. I wonder if the make-up artist figured out what had happened. Now, he smiles and looks so happy and carefree, nobody could guess he was actually crying an hour ago.

My eyes take in his body from head to toe. His blond hair shines bright under the spots. The sleeveless training costume accentuates the look of his arm and shoulder muscles. Those arms that are so strong, those arms I crave to feel all around me. His skin is still pale and looks incredibly soft. His hands are holding the cards with a strong grip, and I notice for the first time his long fingers. I can’t help but wonder how they would feel all over my body.

Geez, I can’t afford to get wet right now. Suddenly, Josh turns his head towards me and our gazes connect. For a second, I can see his smile fall slightly, but he quickly goes back to his character and acts all happy for the sake of Sam. Since he has spotted me, I don’t really have a choice but to meet them. I walk closer and sit next to Josh.

“Hey guys. What’s up?”

“Not much,” Sam says. “Josh was beating me again. Do you want to take my place? I need to go to the bathroom before we actually start working.”

“Sure.”

He winks at me, gets up and leaves. I turn to Josh and look at his adorable puppy eyes, my body slightly trembling. He notices it and grabs my hand under the table in a reassuring gesture.

“Now is not the time for deep conversations,” he says with a grave voice. “But having things to clear up later doesn’t mean we can’t have fun while we work today, right?”

I nod with a smile. He starts delicately stroking the skin of my hand and I can’t help but return the gesture. He looks at our entwined hands but doesn’t say anything.

“I know you’re not really a card girl.”

“You noticed that?”

“You never joined us when we would play poker on set last year,” he says teasingly. “It’s a shame. I would have loved to take you on a game of strip.”

“You’d have been naked before me, Hutch, “ I reply with a grin. “Not because I don’t enjoy playing that I’m not good.”

“I know,” He returns the smile and it quickly warms my insides.

He doesn’t add anything. I feel like I need to do something to get us rid of the elephant in the room.

“Josh, about this morning-“

“No,” he interrupts me, shaking his head stubbornly. “Let’s talk about this tonight, okay? I can’t afford to cry again, the make-up artist is gonna ground me!”

“Josh... I cried too, you know,” I say in a whisper.

He lifts his gaze to me and frowns.

“Why? You had no reason.”

“I had all the reasons. See you tonight at my place at 8? I’ll pick up something for dinner.”

I see a flicker of hesitation in his eyes, before he finally nods.

“Alright.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Josh’s POV**

I fucking hate that Jen is seeing me so vulnerable at the moment. She must think I’m a real wimp. Fortunately, I left the trailer before she had a chance to truly witness my breakdown, but the damage was done.

The good thing is that she may finally get how her mixed signals are hurting me. I’m not sure she realized how she made me feel every time she would invade my personal bubble. I’m still not sure she understands now. But at least, she has a clue.

When I left the trailer, the first thing I thought was to run somewhere she couldn’t see me. At the same time, I knew I needed a good cup of coffee to fight the urge to just go back to my bed and forget everything, and so I headed to the catering tent. I ended up gulping three cups of coffee in one sitting under Andre’s awestruck expression. After I told him she was using me again, I expected him to question me more on what happened with her in the trailer earlier, but he didn’t. He knew I needed some space and let me enjoy it.

So here I am now, quickly making my way to the hair and make-up trailer, hoping I can be done before she gets there to have her own face and head prepped for the day. It’s even quicker than yesterday, so when I leave the trailer, I don’t even see Jen coming. I enter the costumes trailer next, put on my training outfit and leave without a word. I know I will eventually find myself around her on set again, but the longest I can go without actually seeing her, the easiest it will be to hold myself together.

When I reach the exhibition room, Sam has just arrived and looks bored. Since we still have time to spare before we actually start filming, I offer him to play cards. After a few games, I sense someone checking me out and I look up. There she is, dressed up as Katniss, looking at me intently. Our gazes connect for a second before I look down at the cards again, willing the stabbing sensation in my chest to go away. I turn to Sam, who doesn’t seem to have noticed anything, and Jen makes her way to us. She stops shyly near the table, and then sits down next to me. It’s like Sam reads me like a book, because as soon as Jen lowers herself on the chair, he pretends to have to use the bathroom so he can leave us alone.

I don’t want to be alone with her right now. I’m not ready.

But then I notice something strange. She’s lightly shaking. I do the only thing I think to calm her: I discreetly grab her hand and gently caress the back of it with my fingertips. I realize I’m once again comforting her, but I just can’t help myself. Anyway, she’s not confusing me any more at this point. I know, after what happened this morning, that the best relationship I can hope to have with her is the best friends kind we’ve been enjoying since the beginning.

She’s my friend, my friend who obviously needs comfort right now, and I’m not gonna leave her alone in this. The fact that I misunderstood her intentions doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve my support, right?

 

* * *

 

We end up spending the whole morning mostly apart. We’re both filming separately, and I still hang out with Sam, so she takes the opportunity to try to socialize with Jena. Even though I’m working hard to hide my Jen-related turmoil, Sam notices that my behavior is a little off. He doesn’t outright ask me about it, but I read the question in his eyes.

“There’s nothing going on between Jen and me, Sam,” I say casually.

“Oh, I know,” he says. “She’s dating Nick Hoult.”

“Yep, she is.”

“But you have an unrequited crush, haven’t you?” He grins.

“It’s getting a little more complicated than that,” I answer with a sigh.

“Thus the awkwardness around one another.”

“Exactly.”

He glances at Jen, who is pretending to shoot an arrow with her bow but without an actual arrow – it will be added in post-production – and then stares at me, studying the way I’m looking at her. He shakes his head, his foolish smile getting even wider.

“You’re totally in love, man, I can see it in your eyes.”

“Touché.” I drop my gaze.

“And she loves you too, she just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Nah, now you’re wrong buddy.”

Why is everybody telling me she loves me? Andre, Sam, Angie, even Woody the other day, if I think about it, was hinting at that heavily. She has a boyfriend, dammit! A boyfriend who pressured her into moving in with him on another continent for mostly stupid and selfish reasons, but a boyfriend who still apologized to her and as far as I know, acted caring and loving towards her afterwards. She has no reason to give him up for me.

“You’ll see,” he says, patting my shoulder. “The way she looks at you... it’s the same way my fiancée looks at me all the time.”

“Yeah, right. You must be seeing her everywhere, cause that’s not the way she looks at the man she loves. That’s not the way she looks at Nick.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe she doesn’t look at Nick that way because he’s not the one she actually loves?”

He lifts his eyebrows in a mocking expression. I sigh, having to admit that he’s right, in part.

“Maybe.”

“She’s special, Josh. Don’t let her go.”

“We’ll see what happens.”

 

* * *

 

At first, I think about eating my lunch in the catering tent to avoid Jennifer some more, but I think better and decide to eat in the trailer anyway. If Jen decides to meet me for lunch, we’ll talk. I know she won’t let it go as far as this morning; we both wouldn’t have time to recover from our emotions before having to go back on set.

Not that I think it would shake her up all that much anyway. I still don’t understand why she was hurt earlier this morning. Maybe she just felt bad because she realized I was right, she was just using me.

I have just taken the first bite out of my lunch when she enters the trailer without a word and sits next to me, not even chancing a glance towards me. I don’t say a word. After a few minutes, she breaks the silence.

“I don’t want us to ignore each other, Josh.”

I nod and swallow my food before answering.

“I don’t want that either.”

“I love you.”

My head snaps towards her. My brows furrow in confusion. I must not have heard her properly.

“What?”

“I love you,” she repeats with a sigh. “I don’t know if I’m in love with you, but I definitely love you and I think you needed to hear it now. That’s it.”

Oh, okay. That kind of love. Friendship love, they say. I try to smile. It must have taken her a lot of courage to admit it, even though it’s a pretty empty statement.

“I love you too. But you already know that.”

She surprises me by taking my hand and entwining our fingers. My heart starts beating faster, even though I wish it could align with my head, that’s telling me there’s nothing more than friendship here.

“Yes. But it’s always good to hear.”

Her gaze drops to our hands. I delicately brush my thumb over the side of her finger. She closes her eyes, seemingly deeply thinking. I take another bite of my food and notice that she hasn’t eaten yet.

“You should eat, lunch break is almost over.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Jennifer Lawrence, not hungry? Wow, I should mark that down on a calendar!”

She lets go of my hand and playfully hits my arm with her closed fist. A bit reluctantly, she grabs her fork and picks on her food.

I quickly finish my plate and throw the box away before lying on the couch, my feet resting on my chair. She takes a few more bites before giving up and tossing the box in the garbage. She comes sit next to me, without getting too close to me. As much as it pains me when I realize she feels nothing out of the ordinary for me, I can’t leave her there like that. So when I open my arms to her, she immediately curls her body against mine and rests her head on my chest.

“You make me feel so good, Josh. You have no idea,” she sighs contentedly.

“But you’d rather be with Nick now, if you could. I’m just the next best thing,” I whisper.

“No.”

She slightly lifts her head to stare at me in the eyes while cupping my cheek in her hand to force me to look down. The spot where her fingers touch my skin burns like hell.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you,” she adds in a murmur.

And then she does something completely unexpected. She reaches up and presses her lips against mine. At first, I’m so stunned I can’t move, but when I realize she’s kissing me, really kissing me, my instinct kicks in and I return the kiss eagerly. I barely have time to register the feel of her soft lips as they move under mine, the tentative lick of her tongue on my mouth, and the hand that’s slowly snaking around my neck to play with my hair before I’m reminded that she’s not mine and we shouldn’t be doing that. I reluctantly push her away from me, bend over and rest my elbows on my knees, hiding my face in my hands. Jen slowly caresses my back.

“What’s wrong, Josh?”

“What’s wrong?” I jump, snapping my head at her. “You’re asking me, what’s wrong? Unless you tell me you broke up with your boyfriend on Skype last night, this is not okay.”

As much as I enjoyed her kiss, I feel guilty because it shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I sigh.

“Why are you doing this?”

“I told you,” she says in a low voice. “I love you, Josh. And the more time I spend with you, the more convinced I become that I really belong with you. When we’re apart, I miss you. I never actually miss Nick when he’s away.”

“Yeah, but you’ve been together for two years, that’s normal.”

She keeps rubbing circles on my back and I stiffen. I have to fight really hard not to interpret the look of love and lust that’s in her eyes as anything other than deep affection.

“No, that’s not. Will you tell me I still love him if I say that every time I think about him, the first emotion that goes through me is anger?”

I stay silent. There’s nothing I can reply to this. I slowly turn towards her and snake an arm around her waist. She immediately takes the invitation and moves her legs over my thighs so that she’s almost sitting on my lap. She holds on to my back and kisses my cheek.

“I think I will break up with him tonight.”

“Don’t make rushed decisions,” I whisper as she starts trailing kisses on the side of my jaw, making my head spin with desire.

“It’s not a rushed decision. I’ve been considering the idea ever since he stupidly asked me to move over there.”

“Well, you’re still in the middle of your fight, if I understand what you’re telling me, you haven’t made up yet. When you do, it will all work out like before.”

“It won’t,” she says, pulling away a little to look at my eyes. “It won’t, cause I’m tired of putting up with his bullshit.”

“Jen...”

“He fucking insulted you!” she almost screams. “Strangely enough, he thought the same thing as you, that I couldn’t possibly be attracted to you because you’re shorter than me. It made me so mad, you have no idea.”

My heart sinks. So that’s the reason why she is so affectionate with me and seems to want to push things further. I drop my gaze to the floor, slowly remove Jen’s legs from my lap and move to get up, but her arms are keeping me sitting on the couch. I sigh.

“So you want to date me just to prove us wrong, then.”

“No-“

“Jen… “ I interrupt her, shaking my head. “There’s nothing that would make me happier than you letting me love you. But it has to be for the right reasons. Figure out what you feel for your boyfriend first, okay? You may find out that you were about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Don’t destroy your two-year relationship just because you’re lonely and you desperately need comfort. Knowing that I’m a part of that would destroy me as well. And don’t pretend to be attracted to me just to prove him wrong, that’s the shittiest thing you could ever do to me.”

I get up and leave the trailer first, letting her to ponder what I just said. Fortunately, I only feel empty and not sad or disappointed. It shouldn’t be too hard to fix with make-up.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I don’t know what compelled me to kiss him in that moment. I just felt right in his arms, and on top of that, I figured it was the only way to convince him that my feelings for him were real.

It didn’t even work, as he now thinks I’m doing this just to prove Nick wrong.

Even though he left the trailer a few minutes ago, I’m still overwhelmed by the sensation of his lips hungrily devouring mine. It wasn’t the first time we kissed obviously – we spent three days filming that damn cave scene in the first movie after all, so I’m a little familiar with his lips already – but it was the first time I felt him pour his heart into it. And it felt so good, all I want is to ask for more. But I’m still in a very complicated situation that I have to clear up if I want to move forward.

If there’s one thing that time with Josh taught me, it’s that I likely don’t feel anything for Nick anymore. To be honest, when I saw him on the screen last night, I didn’t even sense a tingle in my body. I wasn’t truly happy to see him either, but at the time, I thought it was because I was still mad at him for our fight.

But the more I think about Josh and his beautiful eyes looking at me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, his solid body holding mine in protection, his soft lips caressing mine, his warm hands igniting my entire body with their touch... the more I feel like there’s no way I could ever have enough of this man.

I smile when I think about the way he makes me giggle all the time. He’s definitely one of the funniest persons I’ve ever met. That makes him the more attractive.

I walk to the entrance of the trailer, open the door and take a look outside. People are running everywhere, from trailer to trailer, out of the catering tent and just wandering about. I look for the paps, but I don’t see them anywhere. Good, it’s a pretty hot day outside and I don’t feel like covering up this afternoon. I finally get out of the trailer and make my way to the set.

 

* * *

 

Josh seems to avoid me as much as he can for most of the afternoon. When Francis calls the daily wrap-up, I quickly make my way to him, take his arm before he can run away and lead him to a secluded corner of the room.

“Will you still have dinner with me at my place?” I ask in a low voice, even though there’s nobody around us.

He doesn’t meet my gaze and mumbles.

“Is it a good idea? Maybe you should work on fixing your broken relationship in a healthy way instead of trying to win that argument.”

I’m speechless. I drop his arm and wait for him to say something more. He doesn’t, but he also doesn’t make a move to leave.

“The next time I speak with Nick, it will be to break up with him.”

“Oh, really?”

His bitterness startles me.

“Josh...”

“I’ll be there,” he sighs. “We have stuff to discuss.”

 

* * *

 

It’s still a bit awkward between us when I open my door to him. Usually, we’d go for the bear hug, but I’m not sure he’s ready to welcome any more closeness to me. Yet, after a few seconds, he cracks and invites me in his arms. I don’t even hesitate, breathing him in deeply and letting my face rest on his skin. I bring him inside and push the door closed with my foot, not ready to run away from the warmth of his body. He slowly pulls away after a moment to study my eyes, but he doesn’t remove his hands from the place they are resting on my hips nor do I take my arms away from around his neck.

“I’m glad you decided to come anyway,” I say, lamely.

I don’t know what else to tell him. I don’t know how to make him see I’m not using him or playing games with him. He sighs and turns his face away.

“This is making me crazy,” he whispers.

I let my hands go down his shoulders, all the way to his fingers. I take him by the hand and lead him to the balcony outside. It’s a pretty night, with the moon shining bright and a light wind blowing, and I think the outside air will help us relax. I’ve already set up two plates of food and opened up a bottle of wine. Josh smiles when he sees the table.

“It looks like a date.”

“I owed you one for the pancakes yesterday,” I reply softly.

He chuckles and sits. Since we didn’t have much time after we were done filming for the day, I just heated a frozen lasagna when I came back home from work. Josh eyes the food and smiles.

“It looks good.”

“I tasted it when it came out of the oven. Frozen food store is a pretty good cook.”

“Almost as good as me?” he asks with fake pleading eyes.

“Better than you, of course! You’re a baker, not a chef.”

“That’s because you haven’t actually tasted my food yet. If you like my buns, you’ll like my food as well.”

“I love your buns.”

I can’t hide the laughter that comes from deep within me. Josh flashes me a huge grin, before losing it as well. It’s so nice to be able to joke together as we used to. Am I crazy to want more? Is it the reason why Josh is so dead-set on finding any excuse to dismiss my advances? He doesn’t want to lose my friendship? That would make sense.

I take a few more bites that I wash down with the contents of my glass before I have to refill it. Josh seems to enjoy it more than me and takes his time. I, on the other hand, want to feel its effects as soon as possible.

“Don’t drink too much, we need to have a serious talk and I don’t trust myself to hold you off if you’re wasted.”

“I know.”

The atmosphere suddenly gets very heavy, and the smiles fall from our faces at the same time. Josh puts his glass back down on the table and lies down lazily in his chair, before turning his head towards me and sighing.

“What are we doing, Jen?”

I drop my gaze to the table. I still feel him eyeing me intently. I take another gulp of my glass and swallow heavily.

“Having fun?” I try.

He shakes his head sadly. That wasn’t the right answer, I guess.

“What did Nick say last night, exactly? You told me he apologized and you thought part of the reason he wanted you to move to London was to keep you away from me, but is there anything else that bothers you?”

I look at him nervously, then start recounting him most of the stuff Nick told me yesterday. I briefly consider not telling him how he insulted him about his height, but I figure I should be honest.

“See? I’m not the only one who thinks I’m not attractive.”

“Josh! What does it matter that he finds you short, or unattractive, or whatever? Don’t tell me you have a crush on him...”

He laughs.

“Of course not. But he has a point-“

“No, he doesn’t! Why won’t you believe me?” I almost scream. I realize at the last second we’re still outside on the balcony and the neighbors could hear us very easily. Josh looks at me sadly. I get up from my chair and walk right in front of him. He watches me with a quizzical expression. I sigh, bend to place my hands on his shoulders and lower myself to sit on his lap. His arms circle my waist and I slide my right arm around his neck, my left hand gently stroking his cheek.

“You. Are. Attractive.” I say slowly, pausing between each word.

He doesn’t reply, his gaze locked on mine and his fingers skimming just under my shirt to gently caress the skin of my lower back. I take a deep breath to try to calm my racing heart.

 “To me,” I continue. “And to those thousands of fans who swoon over you. But most of all, _I_ find you very attractive.”

A heavy blow of air coming from his mouth tickles my neck. I still rub his cheek with my thumb and press my body as close to his as possible. I can’t stop staring at his lovely eyes. They’re getting cloudier by the second and I know I soon won’t be able to hold back any longer.

“And I’m extremely attracted to you,” I whisper, slowly leaning closer to him and brushing my lips on his.

A jolt of electricity runs through my spine, and I have to tighten my hold on Josh’s shoulder to ground myself. I let my hand travel down his face to his muscled chest while he greedily welcomes my tongue in his mouth. This is the first time we go that far, since our staged kisses in the first movie more closely resembled lips handshakes than proper making out, and he put a stop to our kiss this morning before it could get too steamy.

I can’t help a deep moan from coming out as I taste the mix of pasta and wine in his mouth.  I know I should break off the kiss to breathe but I can’t bring myself to let go of him. I can’t get enough of him.

I’m scared if I ever pull away, the spell between us will be broken.

It doesn’t take long before the wetness starts pooling in my center and an urge to relieve the tension courses through me. In that moment, I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a bubble with Josh, with nothing around us to separate us. I whimper as he kisses me even more eagerly, our hands roaming everywhere on our bodies. I leave his mouth for a second so I can trail kisses down the side of his jaw. He cranes his neck slightly, letting me kiss and suck on his sensitive skin. I notice the faint smell of his body wash lingering on his skin and I bury my face in his shoulder to enjoy it more.

I haven’t felt such strong sparks in my whole body for quite a long time. I drop one last sweet kiss on his lips before looking at him with a huge smile.

“Are you convinced, now?”

“I don’t know, you’re an Academy Award nominated actress...”

“Josh!” I exclaim, playfully slapping his chest.

He smiles and delicately takes my face in his hands.

“Yes.”

I start kissing him again, but he stops quickly, sighs and turns his gaze to the floor. I look at him with a frown.

“You’re not single,” he finally drops, his face taking on a dejected look.

“Not for long.”

“Are you sure?” he says with a more hopeful look in his eyes. “What if you change your mind? Weren’t you supposed to break up with him tonight?”

“I was. But I told him yesterday I wouldn’t call him tonight. After all the bullshit he said, I didn’t feel like seeing his face.”

“Not even to get rid of him for good?”

I bite my lip and don’t answer right away. I see Josh’s face fall. He gets up with me still in his arms and drops me back on my feet in front of him.

“What game are you playing with me Jen?” he asks, looking annoyed.

“None!”

“One minute you tell me it’s over between you two and you kiss me like you’re madly in love with me, and the next you hesitate to call it off for god knows what reason!”

“Josh, it’s not what you think-“ I begin weakly.

“Oh no?”

“We’ve been together for two years, I can’t break up over Skype...”

“Yet you were ready to cheat on him anyway.” He shakes his head and looks away. “I don’t want to be involved in this shit, Jen. When you know what you want and you’re ready to commit to either one of us, you’ll call me back. Until then, we’ll see each other at work and that will be it.”

He enters the house to make his way to the front door.

“Josh... I wouldn’t have cheated on him.”

He stops abruptly in the middle of the living room and turns around to face me.

“Nice thing to know,” he says, pursing his lips. “I’ll make sure to spend as little time as possible in our trailer so that you can enjoy it.”

“Josh-“

“See you tomorrow at work,” he replies dryly.

He quickly makes his way out of the house, runs to get inside of his car and hastily backs off the driveway. I watch him until the car is just a faint silhouette at the end of the street, close the door and take a deep breath. He’s right in a way, we went too far. I don’t think we’d have gone on all the way to have sex tonight, but I felt so good in his arms, I didn’t want to ever let go. My skin still tingles where his soft hands touched it. It’s obvious that I want him so much, so why can’t I bring myself to dump Nick for good?

I realize I won’t have any other choice but to talk to my boyfriend. Since it’s too late in England to call him immediately, I decide to go to bed right away and do it early in the morning before I leave for work.

 

* * *

 

When I wake up the next morning, the first thing I do is text Nick.

JENNIFER: Hey darling, ready for a little Skype before I leave for work?

I have the time to pick an outfit and take a shower before the answer comes in.

NICK: Sure, but be quick, I have to leave for an interview in an hour.

I take the time to dry my hair and dress up before sitting at the desk in my bedroom and turning on my laptop. It barely has time to load before I get the incoming call. I thought I’d feel awkward, seeing Nick’s face after I made out with Josh last night, but instead I find I’m totally indifferent to him. He grins from ear to ear though, so I force my face into a fake smile that I hope he takes for genuine.

“So you wanted to talk to me?” he asks. “Is anything wrong? You missed me too much?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to see your face, hear your voice.”

And it’s true. The main reason I wanted to have this call as soon as possible was to see how it would make me feel. I know I always feel different when I see him through a screen versus in real life, but this is still a clue that my feelings for him may not be as strong as they once were. It’s not the first time we’re apart because we’re filming in different locations, and the last time it happened we were also an old couple, yet I never felt that empty talking to him. He just doesn’t get me excited about our life together anymore.

“Well, here I am,” he says, falsely showing off for the camera. “How do you find me?”

“Cute,” I answer with a little smile.

“I’m sorry for what I said about Josh the other day. It’s not his fault he looks the way he does. He’s doing great even though-“

“Nick!” I interrupt him with wide eyes, barely hiding my disgust at his words.

“What?” he replies with a fucking annoying smirk on his face. “It’s true. He’s not exactly the embodiment of a Hollywood leading man, yet he’s still successful with what he has-“

“He’s handsome,” I cut him off on the spot. “And unlike you, he’s somewhat famous.”

I don’t know what compelled me to say this. I had this visceral urge to defend him with a passion, and I ended up making a point that would make me cringe under normal circumstances. I almost added that unlike him, he was famous for himself, not by being “Jennifer Lawrence’s boyfriend”, but it would have been too much.

I see his face freeze, and not because of the computer. I quickly try to make up for my comment.

“I mean, I’m a woman, I can recognize a handsome man when I see one even though I have a boyfriend, right? Just like you have the right to acknowledge pretty girls.”

He’s still speechless.

“Since when does being famous is a positive trait for you, Jennifer? I thought we were always happy that I wasn’t as famous as you were. That mostly kept the rags out of our private lives.”

“True. But you were bashing Josh’s career, I was just saying that he was more successful than you think.”

He nods. I feel relief go through me. I know I shouldn’t have kissed Josh yesterday, and the last thing I want right now is for Nick to discover it. I don’t feel like I cheated on him, but I’m still not ready to confess to him what I did just yet.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he sighs. “Only one month or so!”

“Yes, one month.” I nod, without much enthusiasm.

This is gonna be a long month. The more I talk with Nick, the emptier I feel, but I guess it will all come back when he’ll visit me. I finally grasp the reason why I can’t end things with him right now: I need to know if I still feel the same way when I see him in person.

And so that night, I take the decision to give another chance to our relationship, and follow Josh’s suggestion to avoid each other as much as possible. I know it will hurt, not being able to lean on my best friend’s shoulder for a while, but he’s right: it’s for the best.


	10. Chapter 10

**Josh’s POV**

The next few days pass by in a blur. I do my best not to think of that night when Jen sat on my lap on her balcony and kissed me like there was no tomorrow, but it’s hard. Every time I see her walk on set, I remember the warmth of her skin under my fingers, the lingering scent of perfume on her neck, the tingling sensation from her hands playing in my hair, the look of adoration in her eyes when she watched me as if I was the most handsome man in the world.

Fortunately, we won’t film most of our kissing scenes until later in the shoot, so I don’t have to worry yet that kissing her will bring me back to that place in my mind, to that night with her in my arms, away from the rest of the world. A night that won’t ever repeat itself.

By the beginning of October, we’ve already completed the training scenes, most of District 12 scenes, the Victory Tour and the Victors’ party, moving from one location within Atlanta to the next. When we’re on set, Jennifer and I have gone back to our usual chemistry, playing practical jokes on one another and finishing sentences left and right. In private though, we do all we can to avoid each other. I eat all my meals during the day inside the catering tent or in Woody’s bus. I barely visit my own trailer and make sure I have my hair and make-up done after Jennifer, so that I can also put on my costumes after she’s done with hers. From the outside, we look like the easygoing pair, always having fun, and I suspect some people working around us may even think we have something romantic going on in our private life. The truth is that we barely talked since that fateful night.

Jen has made her choice. She isn’t ready to give up on hers and Nick’s relationship. I don’t know what woke her up, and I don’t think I really want to know either. But at least she has stopped being overly affectionate with me, which helps heal my broken heart.

There isn’t a night that passes by without me shedding some tears. Fortunately, Andre doesn’t notice as I always wait for the time I go to bed before breaking down. Sometimes, I let Driver share my bed and I fall asleep stroking his fur, thinking how I would rather caress the soft skin of the girl I’ve been dreaming about for almost two years now.

I haven’t told anybody, not even Andre, about what really happened that night at Jen’s house. Sometimes, I even wonder if it wasn’t just a dream. But when I catch Jen’s furtive glance and she immediately looks elsewhere, I realize that it was all real. For a few minutes of giving in to our mutual attraction, we tore our friendship apart.

Many times, I thought about what I could have done differently that night. I figure she must feel guilty towards Nick for almost cheating on him. She probably doesn’t care about the way it destroyed me to think that I was this close to being able to love her and have her love me back. She probably blames me for what happened, even though from what I remember, she’s the one who actually initiated the kiss. Both times.

Today, we’re starting to film the District 12 Reaping scene for the Quarter Quell. It’s going to be a long day, but at least I can hang out with Woody and Elizabeth so I don’t have to spend all my time with Jen. Last week, we filmed the Capitol party scenes and we were attached at the hip almost the whole time. The only part of the shoot I was off was when she filmed her dancing scene with Philip. She looked so pretty in her futuristic dress, her hair styled with a mix of braids and free curls cascading down her exposed arms. And she looked especially in awe of playing a scene with the acting legend that is Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I’m glad she’s enjoying herself so much. But being forced to spend whole days so close to her was torture for me.

So today, I don’t interact with her more than necessary. At lunch, I follow Woody for some private meal time. It’s not the first time I have lunch in his bus, but it’s the first time he’s there to witness firsthand how much more strained my relationship with Jen is.

I barely have time to take a bite before the questioning begins.

“What’s going on between you and Jen?”

“For a second I thought you were gonna say ‘what’s going on between you and the girl’; I’d have said you sound like Haymitch, where’s my friend Woody!” I laugh nervously.

“Seriously, Josh. It’s obvious you’re avoiding each other like the plague. What happened?”

I ponder for a few seconds if I should tell him what actually happened between us that famous night three weeks ago. I decide if there’s one person I can trust with the secret, it’s him.

“We kissed. Twice. A few weeks ago,” I sigh. “It was a mistake,” I add.

“I see. She realized she still loved her boyfriend?”

“Something like that.”

“And that’s why you barely talk anymore?”

“Isn’t it a good enough reason?” I ask, gritting my teeth. “Every time we’re alone, we end up in each other’s arms. We were getting too close, so I gave her space and she’s been perfectly fine ever since. You know, she had a fight with her boyfriend before she left for Atlanta. She had a hard time making up with him because of me. But now that I’ve stopped getting in the way, I think she reconnected with him. Isn’t it nice?”

The wave of sadness that fills me at that thought isn’t foreign anymore.

“This is not good at all, no.”

“And why is that?” I say, rolling my eyes and taking a bite out of my sandwich.

“Because she’s not happy either. Have you taken a look at her recently? A real look?”

“To be fair, I tend to avoid her gaze. No use dwelling on what could have been, right?”

“Anytime she’s off camera, she looks miserable.”

“She’s just missing her boyfriend, is all,” I shrug. I know I must sound like I’m trying to convince myself, and I have to admit that it’s partly true.

“She’s missing you, idiot.”

I shake my head vigorously.

“I’m right there. And besides, she made her choice.”

“She’s missing her best friend on set,” he points out before taking a bite out of his salad. “You’re there, but you’re always acting around her, and you ignore her any chance you get. And just because she’s chosen her boyfriend doesn’t mean she wants nothing to do with you, you know?”

“Yes, I know that. It’s just that if we stay as close as we were, she’ll be confused again. I’m helping her by doing this.”

“That’s what I said. You’re an idiot.” He grins.

“Thanks. That’s what I thought too.”

He doesn’t reply straight away, looking pensive for a while.

“Jen’s having a party at her house tonight. Attendance is mandatory. Better be there on time, Hutch.”

I sigh.

“I will. There better be lots of booze.”

 

* * *

 

I’m the first guest to show up for the party, which is a good thing, since I have to talk with the host beforehand so that it doesn’t get too awkward when other people are present. When Jen opens the door and catches sight of me, her eyes light up and I see her flash a genuine smile for the first time in weeks. I decide to hug her anyway, and as usual, it triggers a wave of overwhelming feelings. Yet, I have enough self-control to let go of her first and not linger any longer than necessary. I sense a flicker of disappointment in her gaze when I back off, but I may be imagining things.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she finally says.

“Woody kinda forced me,” I reply with a smile. “I figured you must have been too shy to invite me formally. But it would have been fishy to have a cast party without the male lead, right?”

“I had an excuse ready. Exhausted from too much chasing around the set,” she winks.

“That would have made sense. Too bad I’m here and you’re stuck with me.”

“I’ll gladly be stuck with you. Anytime.”

I smile and walk to her fridge.

“Got booze?” I ask, opening the door.

“Yep, but it’s mine. I’m not sharing with you, underage!” she replies, walking to me and playfully taking my hand off the handle.

“Oh come on, the night is gonna be so much better if I can share the fun!”

She pretends to ponder the situation. I twist my lips into a laughable pout.

“Alright, you’re too pretty when you make those puppy eyes of yours.”

She grins and hands me a beer. I’m glad that she’s sharing with me, but at the same time, I know we’re engaging in some risky business. She’s one of those people on whom alcohol has a very distinct effect. The last time we drank together, we ended up furiously making out on her balcony. The time before, we fell asleep in each other’s arms on her couch. At least, this time, we’ll have witnesses. That should help her not make a move to cross a line.

A line we can’t afford to cross one more time. As I fumble into the drawer for the bottle opener, she whispers.

“Josh, I’m sorry.”

I turn to her and frown, a bit startled by her declaration.

“What are you apologizing for?”

“The way I treated you that night we... the night we kissed. I feel like I threw you in the trash afterwards. It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

I look down and nod.

“I know. I should have done something to stop it-“

“No,” she interrupts me, her face getting closer to mine. My heartbeat inevitably picks up because of her proximity. “It was my fault. And I hurt you.”

“Yes. You did,” I say softly. “But I brought it on myself.”

She stares at me, tears suddenly making her blue eyes look even more glassy than usual.

“You didn’t.”

I shake my head with a sad smile.

“I hope you’re happy with him and he treats you well. You deserve it.”

She takes a while before answering. I’m surprised that she looks so disappointed, like she didn’t think I’d bring up the subject of her dear boyfriend.

I know I’m acting like a jealous jerk, but I can’t help it.

“Thank you.”

Before she can run away from me just yet, I grab her arm delicately.

“Now, let’s have some fun and forget everything that happened between us, okay?” I say, albeit reluctantly. “It’s for the best.”

She nods, but she doesn’t smile and the tears are on the verge of falling.

“Yes, it’s for the best,” she murmurs, sounding as if she was actually trying to convince herself of the truth of my statement.

 

* * *

 

We end up having a lot of fun. When Sam comes in, Jen is chasing away Woody, who’s about to put a sock to her throat.

“Is it always like that?” he asks while removing his coat.

“It’s worse, usually.”

“Oh, shit... what did I get into with this franchise?”

“You’ll see. It’s the best.” I smile.

Sam eventually sits next to me with his bottle of imported beer.

“It didn’t get any better with Jen, right?” he asks with a frown. I nod.

“Correct.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Maybe not now,” I reply, looking away in the distance. “But I’ll be fine, don’t worry. See, I’m already moving on. I’m able to attend a party at her house, right next to her, watching her enjoying herself, without having to run away to the bathroom to hide the fact that I cry like a fucking baby every time I think about her. I’m making progress!”

I chuckle to hide the burst of sadness I feel by realizing that.

“Oh, man...” he shakes his head and pats my back. “I’m so sorry. I really thought she had the hots for you.”

“I’m ready to believe she may have felt a little something for me,” I admit. “But she’s still very much in love with her boyfriend. So I’m losing both her love and her friendship. Sucks to be me, right?”

I look down and pinch my nose to keep the tears from falling. As much as I’ve convinced myself that I’m moving on, I can’t help feeling sad, empty and disappointed whenever she’s around.

I knew that coming to this party was a bad idea, but I thought those three weeks away from her emotionally would have helped me forget what happened between us. Obviously, I’m still longing for her big time.

“I need a beer. Want one?” I ask him while I get up to go fetch a new bottle in the fridge.

“No thanks, my bottle is still almost full.”

“Okay.”

When I reach the kitchen, I pick a bottle of beer and gulp down half of it in one stride. There’s no one around me; everyone is having fun in the living room.

“Woah, slower dude, you’ll get sick.” A feminine voice, a little raunchy, says from behind me. I freeze.

Jennifer shows up in front of me, snatching the bottle from me and finishing the other half in one sitting.

“Jen!”

I shake my head and grab another beer. I drink it slower this time, but I don’t let the glass rim leave my lips. She gets closer to me and tries to take the bottle away from me.

“Oh yeah, wanna fight for it?” I say mischievously.

“Anytime!”

I lift the bottle up in the air, but she’s quicker than me and she nicks it from my hand. I stare at her voluptuous lips as they close around the bottle rim and I have to clear my thoughts to try to cut short the inevitable boner she’s starting to give me. When she finally stops drinking, I swiftly grab back the bottle and fill my mouth with what she’s left at the bottom of it, but I don’t swallow it just yet. She takes the cue and crashes her lips on mine, forcing me to open my mouth and share the last gulp of beer with her. I slowly open it and let the liquid drop inside her mouth. We both swallow, but instead of pulling away, she increases the pressure on my lips to turn our dangerous game into a hot kiss. I slowly let my tongue invade her mouth, tasting the beer we just shared. She backs into the counter and snakes her arms around my shoulders, her hands delicately caressing my shoulder blades.  I tightly grip her hips to get as close to her as possible.

She lets our tongues battle for a while before her lips leave my mouth to drop a series of kisses along the line of my jaw, all the way up to my ear. I can’t hide a growl coming from deep within me.

She moans in response and starts delicately sucking on my earlobe as I pick her up from the ground and sit her on the counter in front of me. It vaguely registers in my mind that we shouldn’t be doing this, but we’re so drunk that I quickly forget everything. She crosses her legs over my back to bring me closer. I try to place kisses anywhere on her skin as she keeps nibbling on my earlobe and gently massages my scalp with her fingertips. The sensations spread through me like a wildfire. She whispers in my ear.

“I want you so much, Josh... I’ve wanted you for a long, long time.”

And just like that, I come back to Earth and realize we’re about to make a terrible mistake. As if on cue, I hear Liam’s grave voice at the other end of the kitchen.

“Is anybody in here?”

“Yes, go away!” Jen says with a drunken laugh.

“You’d better get a room. I haven’t seen anything!”

He goes back to the living room and I take a look at Jen. She’s blushing, her hair is a bit messy and what I see in her eyes is definitely lust. She gently strokes my cheek and hugs me.

“He just saved us,” I say softly. “We were playing with fire.”

“Yes, I guess we were.”

She pulls back to watch me intently.

“I miss you, Josh.”

I stare at her for a while, before letting out a deep sigh.

“I miss you too. But we can’t keep this going. You have your boyfriend-“

“I know.”

She slides off the counter. Her face is so close to mine, I can feel her breath on my skin. I have to fight hard to keep desire from overcoming my resolve.

“Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice,” she adds. “I guess when I see him again, that’s when I’ll know for sure.”

I nod and look away.

“It may be too late,” I reply bitterly, before making my way to the bathroom for a very much needed reprieve.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

Those last few weeks have been very difficult to deal with. I worked hard to keep my promise of waiting until I saw Nick next before deciding if I wanted to keep dating him or not, but it came at the expense of losing my best friend. I can understand why he avoids me any chance he gets, but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

There isn’t a day that passes by where I don’t dream about him.

The way I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen, before giving me the best advice in the world. The way we would play around on set and make the director mad – we’re still having fun on set, but there’s a coldness between us that’s totally new – and then get back in character instantly. The feeling of his strong arms encasing me, his warm breath blowing on my neck, his masculine scent invading my nostrils. The delicious sensation of having his lips on mine, moving in tandem, fulfilling me with raw emotion and a passion I hadn’t felt for anybody in a long time. Remembering all of this usually throws me into a fit of sadness and longing that I don’t know how to relieve anymore.

I can’t wait to see Nick and finally figure out where I stand. I just hope I’ll find my best friend back in the process.

 

* * *

 

The day of the party, I wondered if I should keep my alcohol consumption low for the night. I knew Josh was supposed to be there – I had asked Woody specifically to invite him since I couldn’t do it myself – and I didn’t want to say or do things I would regret later on. But then, it felt so good to just loosen up for a little bit, that I reached the point where I just didn’t care anymore. And so I ended up making out with Josh once again.

I don’t know what compelled me to act so flirty around him. I knew it was risky. I knew I was likely to end up hurting him once again. But in those few minutes I spent in his arms, kissing him senseless, allowing my hands to wander all over his toned body, letting my whole being feel his erection pressing insistently against my center when I crossed my legs around his waist... I felt like I was where I belonged. I felt like he was what I needed. That may have been a result of the excessive alcohol I had drunk, but I still think my heart was trying to tell me something.

We had the next day off, so here I am, oversleeping my hangover, trying to forget how big a mess I made of things last night. The buzzing of my cell phone eventually wakes me up for good and forces me to get up. I take a look at the ID and squint to see the message.

JOSH: I’m sorry for last night. I hope you still had a good time.

It takes me a minute to figure out what to reply.

JENNIFER: I should be the one apologizing. Let’s agree to forget it happened at all, ok?

I cringe. I don’t want to forget... but I can’t afford to be a selfish bitch here. I’ve hurt him enough as it is. I have to accept that I’ve made my choice and just set him free. Letting him feel guilty over our mistake won’t help him at all.

Yet, the longing comes back in full force, and I have to look away from the screen that still displays his message to avoid crying like a baby.

He answers my message rather quickly.

JOSH: I’ll try. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. Neither will Liam. Nobody else saw us, you’re fine.

It hits me that he seems to think I’m just worried about saving my own face and having the secret kept from Nick’s ears. It didn’t even cross my mind that people may have witnessed our whole make-out session last night. I only remember hearing Liam speak to us while I was still in Josh’s arms. I type my reply with tears in my eyes.

JENNIFER: I don’t care about that. I know if people saw us they won’t tell. I worry about you, Josh. I shouldn’t have done that.

I feel like I have lots of things to tell him, but the words just won’t come out. I leave it like that and tap the “send” button. I run a hand over my eyes to wipe the tears from my face. The phone buzzes again.

JOSH: I’m fine. It’s not like I was spending all my time pining after you. You’re happy with your boyfriend, I’m not gonna come in the way. But if you want my advice, if you want your relationship to work, maybe you should stop making out with men whom you aren’t in a relationship with. Just saying.

The sarcasm in his answer makes my heart stop. I haven’t seen him so snarky before, so disillusioned. He’s visibly very angry with me, and not only do I understand why, but I also deserve it.

I just can’t help the sadness that washes over me as I write my reply.

JENNIFER: I’m not happy with my boyfriend.

I hesitate before hitting the “send” icon. I feel like I need to set him straight on this, at least.

JOSH: Well, I guess so. It must be hard to deal with the distance, craving him and not being able to see him. But hey, less than two weeks and you’ll be in his arms!

I sense the bitter jealousy in his words, but I can’t really get mad at him for it. I have to admit my answer to his latest text wasn’t really clear and almost asked for it. I sigh.

JENNIFER: I just wanted to wait, Josh... I don’t crave him. Not at all.

I pause to let the overwhelming feelings I have for him go away, before resuming typing. I wish I could tell him that he’s the one I crave, the one I think about all day long, the one who visits me in my dreams every night.

JENNIFER: I just need to see him one last time before I take a decision.

I send the message and close my eyes. I can’t stand to see him hurting that way, not when I feel I’m powerless to prevent it. His next text makes me smile a little bit.

JOSH: Can I see you this afternoon? Let’s just take a coffee or something. Be at my place at 3? I’ll get the coffees.

JENNIFER: Sure. Remember how I like it?

JOSH: That’s one thing I could never forget.

 

* * *

 

I’m pretty happy he invited me to share a coffee break with him. I feel like we have a lot to discuss, many misunderstandings to clear, and having an encounter that doesn’t involve alcohol will help me to have a conversation with him without ending up jumping him.

When he opens his door, I freeze. He’s wearing a very loose tank top that reveals his chest muscles, along with tight fitted jeans that leave little to the imagination. He hasn’t shaved off the little bit of stubble that litters the area under his chin up to his chiseled jaw, which makes him look much older than his almost 20 years old. His blond hair is messy, like he just stressfully ran his hand in it multiple times. He’s so incredibly sexy.

“Mochaccino with an extra shot of espresso and a mix of cocoa and cinnamon sprinkled on top of the mousse. Right?” he says, gesturing for me to come in.

I smile. He’s totally right. I would get that all the time when we’d stop at Starbucks while we were filming in North Carolina last year. I wonder if Nick would have picked up on that.

“You have good memory.”

He shrugs and turns around, walking towards the kitchen. He stops at the coffee table where our burning hot beverages are waiting for us. We both sit and an awkward silence fills up the room. I attempt to take a sip out of the cup but it’s still scorching hot.

“I’m sorry for the texts this morning,” Josh finally breaks the silence, slowly stroking his cup with his thumb. “I was acting like an entitled, jealous jerk. You don’t deserve this at all.”

“I totally deserve this after the way I led you on,” I reply quickly. “I gave you mixed signals. You deserve so much better, Josh. So much better than a selfish bitch who doesn’t know what she wants.”

I look down.

“Jen...”

“It’s true, Josh,” I add, looking back up to stare at his lovely features. “I should leave you alone while I figure it out, but I’m not strong enough for that.”

“Why so?” he asks softly.

His face only shows some curiosity. I feel a twinge of longing and guilt as I lose myself into his expressive eyes.

“Do you really need me to spell it out?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Jen,” he says, raising his eyebrows. “And I have to say that your texts this morning weren’t clear enough for my dumb brain.”

I stare at my cup to hide my hesitation to ask what’s on my mind.

“Have you ever loved two girls at the same time?” I finally let out.

His answer is straightforward.

“Yes.”

“What did you do?”

He looks at me with a sad smile.

“I dated the one who actually wanted me. Left the other girl alone to enjoy her relationship with her long-time boyfriend.”

“Did you ever stop loving her?” I ask, my heart beating faster. His gaze still hasn’t left mine.

“Not yet.”

He rests his hand on the table, next to his cup of coffee. I dare stretch to cover it with mine, intertwining our fingers.

“Will you wait for me some more? I’m so selfish to ask this of you... I’ve already hurt you enough as it is. But I’m this close to figuring it all out. And the more I think about it, the more time I spend with you, even on set when you ignore me as much as you can, I realize I don’t see how I could spend my life away from you.”

I pause.

“I already miss you, and you’re right there. How is it gonna be when we’re apart for real?”

“You’ll go back to the way you were feeling this summer, I guess,” he sighs.

“No,” I shake my head resolutely. “Even this summer with Nick, I didn’t enjoy his presence as much as I used to.”

“That’s what being an old couple does to you. That doesn’t mean you’re no longer in love.”

“Then what does falling in love with someone else mean?”

In this moment, with him gently caressing my hand and his soft eyes resting on my face, the smell of the coffee lingering in the air and the late afternoon sun rays peeking out of the window and bathing him in a delicate light, I’m ready to stop having any doubts about what he actually means to me. I look down at our joined hands and feel a wave of satisfaction going through me. But of course, rational Josh has to burst my bubble once again.

“What if you realize you still love him when you see him again?”

“To be honest, that’s the reason why I want us to wait. Not because I’m still madly in love with him, you know? Is it what you got out of my messages?”

“Maybe.”

“You were wrong, Josh,” I reply softly. “I already told you that my feelings always come back when I see him in person.”

“Yeah, I know.” He looks away.

“That’s why I want to make sure it’s actually over before doing something I’d regret.”

“Like dating me and having to dump me later because you realized you were still in love with him. I understand.”

“But that’s shitty of me to expect you to wait for me.”

“It is.”

He looks back at me and takes a deep breath.

“Sometimes, I wonder if it would have been different if the character I was supposed to play in _X-Men_ had been kept in the movie and we’d have met on the set of _First Class_. But then I realize I was only 17 when you filmed it so you wouldn’t have paid attention to the kid I was, even though you weren’t that much older than me. Maybe that was destiny.”

“We’ll never know.”

I don’t know what else to say. He lets go of my hand and shakes his head.

“I’ll wait for you to make up your mind. But I’ll keep staying away from you as much as I can in the meantime. I don’t trust myself to stop a repeat of last night.”

“I understand.”

Even though I’m looking at him with what I hope is a neutral face, I can’t help but burst with joy inside. _Wait for me, Josh. Just wait for me._

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Josh’s POV**

After our little heart-to-heart discussion last week, Jennifer and I have gone back to mostly ignoring each other when we’re not on set. It’s still too painful for me to hang out around her, knowing she has some feelings for me but is likely too comfortable with her current boyfriend to actually break up with him. Or even worse, she’s still in love with him and only waiting to see him for these feelings to resurface instantaneously.

I think it’s even harder to deal with the fact that she’s struggling with some sort of attraction to me and doesn’t want to act on it than it was when I thought she felt nothing special for me. The hope is crushing me in a way that I hadn’t expected at all.

Today is my twentieth birthday. We have a long day of filming ahead of us, then the whole cast that are still shooting in Atlanta with us – myself, Jen, Woody, Sam, Jena, Jeffrey, and all of the other actors playing the tributes - are supposed to have dinner in a restaurant with Francis and some other people, including Andre and most of the filming crew. I usually adore birthday parties, but this time, I’m pretty tired from the long shooting days and the hard emotions I’ve been dealing with for the past few weeks. In fact, I can’t wait for the night to be over so I can lie down on my bed and forget everything. But as usual when I’m around the people I work with, I force a smile and try to act like my usual, joyful self.

When Andre and I enter the private room that has been reserved for our group, I’m pleasantly surprised to find that it has been decorated with balloons, banners and ribbons. In the middle of the room, a giant banner reading “HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!” hangs from the ceiling. We’re the last ones to arrive, so I’m quickly surrounded by my friends and coworkers who all want to wish me a happy birthday all at the same time.

The only guest who stays sitting in her place is Jen. She keeps looking in my direction, but she seems to be waiting for something. Or maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me at all. Maybe she’s scared of ruining my birthday party.

“Hey man, happy birthday! I hope you get what you want in the next year!” Sam says while hugging me.

“Thank you man. As for getting what I want... we’ll see. I will gladly take all wishes though.”

“She’ll come around.” He says with his most convincing tone.

“Have you talked to her?”

“Today? Or in general?”

“Both.”

“Barely spoken to her on set obviously, we’re always hanging together so she stays away. She hasn’t sought out my advice off set either. But I talked to her before we arrived. I think you’re gonna have to go to her if you want her birthday wishes cause I think she’s scared to say the wrong thing or something.”

I nod.

“That’s what I thought.”

Woody comes behind Sam and pushes him aside. Sam smiles, waves at me and walks back to his chair.

“Happy birthday, boy,” he says, hugging me. “Only one more year before you can stop harassing me to buy your booze for you.”

“Admit it, you can’t wait for me to be 21!” I laugh wholeheartedly.

“Of course!”

“Got a birthday present for me?”

“I don’t know...”

He pulls a little gift bag from behind his back.

“Be careful,” he says with a wink.

I look inside. At the bottom of the tiny bag lies a Ziploc with two joints inside.

“They’re top quality,” he says with a huge smile. “Of course, you can do what you want, but I’d wait until a special occasion to enjoy them. Preferably with agreeable company.”

I don’t need him to spell it out to me that he’s thinking about Jen. I don’t have the heart to tell him that it probably will never happen. My eyes lock once again with Jen’s, and she finally gets up and walks to meet me. She’s wearing a short yellow skirt with a black, semi-transparent tank top that slightly reveals her black bra. When she’s in front of me, I notice she chose to wear flats, so she’s the same height as me.

“Happy birthday, Josh,” she says in a low, shy voice. I smile at her and she finally returns it genuinely.

“Thank you, Jen.”

She finally makes a move to hug me. Her arms close tightly around my neck and she hides her face on my shoulder. I slowly cross my arms around her waist and bring her closer to me, breathing her in. Her loose hair tickles my neck, but I don’t care. It feels so good to enjoy the sensation of her arms around me again that I never want that moment to stop. Eventually, she lifts her head and lets her forehead rest on mine.

“I’m so happy you came anyway,” I whisper.

“I couldn’t miss it. The last birthday I can actually make fun of you for being underage.”

I chuckle. God, how badly I want to kiss her right now. But I can’t.

I will still enjoy all the affection she’s giving me though. Affection that I’ve been craving in the last few days, but that she couldn’t possibly give me in light of what happened between us.

I pull away a little bit to plunge my eyes into hers. They’re glassy, as if she was about to cry.

“Jen, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s stupid. It’s all my fault.”

“Don’t say that,” I say softly.

“It’s true.”

I answer her with my eyes, reassuring her that she can still tell me anything. She doesn’t say a word.

“Is it Nick? Did he do something? Cancel his trip or-“

“It’s you, Josh,” she interrupts me. “I miss you.”

I can’t kiss her but I can still hug her. And so I bring her closer to me, slightly stroking her back and whispering in her ear.

“I miss you too. When is he coming here?”

“Tomorrow,” she answers in a low, sad voice.

“Are you looking forward to it at least?”

“Not at all.”

I reluctantly pull away to look at her. Fat tears are running down her cheeks. I bring my fingers up to wipe them from her face. As soon as my hand touches her skin, she takes a hold of my wrists so that I can’t let go of her face. She leans into my hand and sigh. I take a quick look around to make sure there aren’t careless people around.

“You’re not scared of making people talk?” I murmur.

“No,” she shakes her head lightly. “The only people here know most of what’s going on between us. We’re fooling nobody, Josh. They may not know we went too far a few times, but they know we have feelings for each other. It’s... kinda obvious, don’t you think?”

“I guess it is.”

I take a look at our group. They’re all talking to one another, nobody even chancing a glance in our direction. It’s like they knew we needed some sort of private moment. Maybe Jen warned them beforehand to leave us alone for a while. Only Andre looks at us warily, almost glaring at Jen. I don’t know what I would do without Andre’s protective presence, but this time, I wish I was truly alone with her.

Her embrace feels so natural to me that I hadn’t even realized she had let go of my wrists to lock her arms around my neck once again and that I’d let my own hands wander down her back all the way to her waist. She stares at me, her eyes seemingly full of longing, and slowly lowers her hands over my shoulders, making goosebumps run all over my body. I can’t seem to be able to let go of her waist. I sigh, remembering that in a few hours, she’ll be in the arms of her boyfriend and she’ll forget all about me. I force myself not to think about it too much. It’s my birthday; now is not the time to be sad.

I finally remove my arms from around her. She grasps my hand and leads me to the table, where she has saved a place for me between her and Sam. Her seat is at the end of the row of tables, up against the wall.

“See how thoughtful I am? I placed you next to your new best friend,” she says joyfully, any trace of the heavy emotions she showed me earlier gone.

“That’s very kind of you, Jen.” I reply with a smile.

I sit down and not too long after, the waiters come to take our orders. Jen asks for a bottle of wine and an extra glass to share with me, since I’m still too young to buy alcohol by myself.

All throughout the night, my friends give me presents, some nice and thoughtful, others more funny and silly. I get a little tipsy from the wine, but not that much. Jen, on the other hand, is acting even more touchy-feely than usual, most likely because of the alcohol. When she rests her hand on my thigh, hidden from the sight of all the other guests by the tablecloth, I don’t make a move to remove it. Instead, I cover it with mine and gently stroke her skin. She takes the hint and starts running her fingers all over my thigh. I look at our hands and sigh. A tingling sensation is quickly spreading through my whole body and I have to stir on my chair to get more comfortable. I eventually lean towards Jennifer and whisper in her ear.

“What are you doing?”

She looks at me straight in the eyes.

“What are _you_ doing?” she replies in a low voice, so that nobody can hear her over the sound of the conversations and the utensils knocking over the plates.

“I’m following you.”

“I love you.”

I’m stunned. This is the third time she tells me this, but even in my drunken state, I remember she’s drunk too and probably doesn’t mean it. As much as it pains me to do so, I have to keep this from going any further if she’s going to break my heart again.

I shake my head discreetly and look down.

“No, you don’t,” I sigh. “If you did, you wouldn’t be waiting for your boyfriend to sweep you off your feet tomorrow.”

She freezes at the mention of Nick, before slowly removing her hand from my thigh. I rub the spot where her fingers were resting to will the sensations to go away. I can’t look at her right now, because it pains me to realize I’m right. In that moment, she had forgotten about Nick, and now she realizes that in mere hours, he’ll be here in her arms, ready to bring her on a real date, to snuggle with her on her couch, to kiss her until she can’t breathe and to make love to her all night long.

Fortunately, everyone is so busy with their conversations that they don’t notice our upset looks.

“I’m not even excited to see him again,” she admits in a low voice.

“It will happen when you see him.”

“Maybe.”

Sam turns to me and happily pats my back. I take a deep breath to sink back into the role I’m playing tonight. That of happy, carefree Josh who’s not dealing with a broken heart and a crush who does nothing to help him move on.

“What are you doing this weekend? Wanna play some football in the park tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure, that’d be great. Ask Woody too, he loves playing soccer.”

In the corner of my eye, I see Jen finish her glass of wine. I take the bottle and pour the rest of it – it’s our second bottle already - inside my own glass so that she can’t have any more. She pouts, but given her flirty behavior earlier, it’s for the best.

I’m proud of myself for not having cracked yet. I still haven’t felt the need to go put myself back together in the bathroom. I still hold on to my character pretty easily, and I’d say no one here – except maybe Andre – has noticed that I’m not enjoying myself sincerely. Funnily enough, this is the most awkward birthday party I’ve ever had, yet nobody knows it.

Jen leans towards my ear and whispers something to me.

“I wish we could go home together tonight.”

I look at her flushed face and decide to play her game.

“Maybe in a few days, if that’s what you decide.”

She gives me a warm smile. A drunken smile. She doesn’t know that I don’t expect us to get together any time soon. It’s not that I want to make her pay for all those weeks of mixed signals and limbo. It’s just that I don’t trust her to leave him for good. It doesn’t help that she tends to do silly things when she’s drunk. Silly things like telling me she loves me.

A little voice inside my head reminds me that she was completely sober the first time she said those three magical words, inside our trailer on set. But back then, she didn’t know what she was talking about either. She was missing her boyfriend and mistaking what she felt for me for love. In reality, she was just seeking comfort, nothing more. The only times she truly shows interest in me are when she’s drunk. That’s saying something.

“Let’s go out tonight for your birthday. Just you and me,” she adds, pleadingly.

“We’re too drunk,” I answer. “You can go out with Nick tomorrow night?”

“You’re dull,” she pouts. “It’s your birthday, you should be partying until the wee hours of the morning.”

“Well, to be fair... I’m tired, Jen.”

“I don’t believe this,” she shakes her head dazedly. “You’re never tired. I’ve never met a guy with so much stamina.”

“Well, sometimes, you can get tired in other ways.”

I look at my lap and sigh. I feel her insistent gaze upon me and turn to face her.

“Is it because of me?” she asks, leaning towards me.

“Partly.”

I suddenly have the impression of being watched and look around to find Andre’s gaze locked on Jennifer and me. I look at Jen, who grabs my hand to force me to get up. She has a good balance despite her current state of drunkenness.

“Come with me,” she says, leading me outside of the restaurant. “I need to talk to you in private.”

It’s funny how her definition of a private space tonight means getting outside in the open. But we still feel a whole lot more alone in that public space than in our private room inside the restaurant, with the whole cast and crew potentially watching and listening.

She stops us in a corner of the parking lot that is barely lighted. There are few cars in front of the restaurant, as it’s nearing closing time. We didn’t take the time to pick up our coats so I see Jennifer shiver a little bit in the cold. I rub her arms to try to warm her up.

“So why did you need us to freeze our asses off suddenly?” I ask.

She looks around us to make sure nobody can hear us. I stare at her expectantly.

“I feel like I’m ruining your whole night,” she finally admits, looking down. “I may be a bit drunk, but I’m not oblivious. And I know I’m hugely responsible for the fact you’re not enjoying yourself at all tonight. It should be the best day of the year for you.”

I shrug. She’s partly right, but I don’t want her to think that. I refuse to let her take the blame for the awkward situation we’re in.

“What can I do to make it up to you?” she asks in a soft voice.

I place a finger under her chin to force her to lift her face towards mine. I get closer to her, bringing my mouth nearly on hers. I feel her shiver in anticipation, and likely not from the cold. Just before my lips can touch hers, I whisper.

“Just be happy.”

And just like that, I turn around and walk back inside the restaurant to grab my coat and leave with Andre.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m so stunned by Josh’s words and behavior that I have to sit on a nearby bench to clear my thoughts before making my way back inside. It doesn’t take long before I feel tears burn my eyelids. Why am I so emotional over this? What did I expect? I hurt him more than I could ever imagine; of course he wants nothing to do with me anymore.

At first, I thought it would have been better if I didn’t show up at his birthday party. Given our history together, it was a recipe for disaster. Maybe I shouldn’t have drunk so much either, but I couldn’t let Josh swallow the whole bottle by himself and I had to order for him since he’s underage. I know I tend to get in trouble when I’m drunk, but this time, it wasn’t looking so bad.

I had quickly dismissed the idea of staying home tonight. No matter how strained our relationship was, we were still very good friends and I simply couldn’t imagine not being there to celebrate the end of his teenage years. Besides, I figured most of the cast would be there, so he would have plenty of people to entertain him during the night.

It didn’t exactly work the way I had anticipated. As usual, I lost all my means as soon as I saw him come in. He looked so handsome with his tight white t-shirt and blue-green flannel. He had styled his hair the way they do it on set when he’s playing Peeta in a formal scene, and it looks so good on him. I waited until he had greeted everybody before daring to make my way over to him. I almost stayed sitting at my place. I would have done just that if he hadn’t thrown me an inviting gaze. I figured he was happy to see me there, and I was right.

But it didn’t last long before I screwed things over once again.

Why can’t I help myself? Why do I have this need to touch him all the time? At first, he obviously liked it, but then his warranted distrust in me kicked in, and he did what he had to do to protect himself. He withdrew from me, both physically and emotionally. He probably thinks I was too drunk to pick up on it, but it was obvious from the rest of the night that he’d had enough of me. It took me a couple of hours before realizing that the only way I could make up for it was to ask him directly what I could do for him. But then he shattered my heart by giving up on me and wishing me a happy life.

I took too long. I lost him. And the more I think about him, the more I want to cry, the more I realize that there’s no way I could still feel something for Nick when I see him tomorrow, given how deep my feelings for Josh run. Why did it take me so long to acknowledge this?

I hear steps coming my way and I don’t immediately look up to see who’s gonna disturb my sobbing session.

“Jennifer?”

It’s a soft, lightly high-pitched, female voice. It could only belong to Jena. I see her silhouette in the corner of my eye, and then feel her gaze when she’s close enough to the bench. She lowers herself next to me and puts her arm around my shoulder to bring me closer to her. I sob even harder.

“Too much stuff to drink?” she winks.

I take a deep breath to be able to talk normally.

“Not exactly.”

“I heard your boyfriend was coming tomorrow. You should be happy.”

“Who told you?” I look at her face and frown.

“Josh.”

Of course. Of course he’d tell people there’s nothing between us, and the best way to do so is by reminding everybody that I’m supposedly so in love with Nick. So in love that I can’t even stand the next hours not seeing him without breaking down in tears.

“I love him, Jena.” I blow out suddenly.

“Well, that’s why he’s your boyfriend-“

“No. I love Josh.”

“Oh... what are you going to do?”

“I will decide once I see Nick,” I reply, staring at a car leaving the other end of the parking lot. “I’m not sure I still feel something for him or not. I don’t wanna dump him before making sure I really don’t love him anymore, and it’s not just the distance causing the trick, you know.”

“Will you ever be sure of that?”

I pause to think. She’s probably right. Even if I realize tomorrow that I’m no longer in love with him, I’ll always wonder if I could love him again if we were given the chance to spend more time together. Either way, I’m screwed.

“I should have talked to you earlier. You have great points. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I already lost Josh over this. He’s over me. I took advantage of him, in a way.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, confused.

“I took him for granted, and then, when I realized we were both attracted to each other, I let us go too far a few times, even though I knew I shouldn’t be doing that because of Nick,” I admit with a sigh. “I led him on, although that wasn’t my intention at all. I can’t hold myself any longer when I’m around him, Jena. When we’re on set, we’re working, so it’s easy to get distracted from him, even more so given that I’m the lead so I’m in almost every scene. But when we’re off... I crave him like crazy, and every time I see him in private, I become so touchy-feely with him... it’s like I can’t get enough of him.”

She nods.

“I saw you the other day. At the party.”

I look up and blush. She keeps going.

“He had that cute look of love in his eyes. I quickly went back to the living room so I wouldn’t pry, but... Jen, you seemed so happy kissing him back there. So passionate...”

“Alcohol makes me do some crazy things,” I sigh.

“Pretty sure it wasn’t just the booze, Jen.”

“Yeah. Well, tomorrow night I’ll probably be single, and I’ll have lost my best friend at the same time.”

“Don’t say that. Honestly, I think he loves you so much, he’s ready to put up with a lot of your shit.”

“You really think that?”

 “Yep,” she answers with a smile. “Come on, come back inside, you’ll freeze to death.”

I ask her one last question with my eyes.

“He’s gone already.”

I nod and follow her back inside. She’s my designated driver for the night, so we pay our check and she drives me home in no time.

 

* * *

 

I have a hard time falling asleep that night. I would love to attribute my restlessness to excitement over seeing my boyfriend for the first time in almost two months, but in reality, I know it’s because I’m heartbroken over Josh and feeling guilty for hurting him once again, on his birthday, nothing less.

When I wake up after a few pitiful hours of sleep the next day, I have to force myself out of the bed and I have no desire to make myself pretty. I almost decide to leave with no make-up on and wearing my worst outfit, but then I realize that I may encounter paparazzi on my way and I’m clearly not in the mood for any more criticism.

Before I leave to go pick up Nick at the airport, I think of one last way to rekindle my friendship with Josh. I grab my phone from the nightstand and start typing.

JENNIFER: Hi Josh! I hope you had a good night of sleep... or partying if you changed your mind! I know you probably want nothing to do with me anymore, but in case you still do, would you like to go to the theater with me tomorrow night?

I touch the “Send” icon and pace the room nervously, filling my purse with various items I’ll need for the ride. When the phone buzzes, I jump and pick it up.

JOSH: Sure, give me a time and I’ll be there. And yes, I had a good night.

No smiley face. At least, he acknowledged my request. I let a little smile light up my face and finish packing my stuff. The phone buzzes again.

NICK: I’m on the plane, we’re landing in an hour or so. Can’t wait to see you! I missed you so much. Love you :-D

My smile falls when I go back to reality. I almost don’t answer, but I manage a reply anyway.

JENNIFER: I’m on my way. I’ll be here soon.

I think of returning his sweet words, but I decide to wait to see him to tell him anything more instead of risking adding another lie in our relationship.

 

* * *

 

“Jennifer!”

I scan the sea of passengers coming out of the terminal, trying to recognize Nick’s face in the crowd. I finally spot him, his mouth set in a huge smile. That grin that used to make me melt, but that’s leaving me ice cold in that moment. I walk to him and he takes me in his arms, sweeping me off the floor and turning around. I’m glad that we’re in Atlanta and there aren’t paps anywhere near us, cause I’m not at all at ease with a huge public display of affection like that. He puts me back on the floor and leans in to kiss me. I return his kiss without much enthusiasm. He doesn’t insist, but still stares at me with a frown.

“What’s wrong, Jen? Don’t tell me you’re still mad because of our fight last time we saw each other. You don’t hold grudges.”

“I’m just not at ease in public, that’s it. I live in a rental house not far from here, let’s go there and we’ll talk.”

“Okay.”

I’m not lying, I’m just not telling the whole truth. In fact, his hug and kisses barely made me feel a thing. It’s like the fire inside me is out, and no amount of affection can rekindle it.

Actually, if I stop lying to myself for a second, I’ll admit only one man can rekindle it. And he’s not standing next to me at the moment.

Nick picks up his luggage from the mechanical carrier and we make our way to the car in silence. He senses something is wrong pretty early, but I’m not ready to talk to him yet.

While we’re in the car, to avoid adding to the awkwardness between us, I make small talk that he’s eager to answer. When he stops talking, he puts his hand on my thigh to caress me. I have to fight the urge to yank it away. For some reason, it’s like his touch is invading my personal bubble. To be fair, that may just be the result of being away from each other for so long; we need to get reacquainted first before we can share intimate gestures like that.

“I can’t wait to fuck you senseless...” he slowly whispers. He has no idea that his attempt at turning me on is having the opposite effect.

“I’m on my period.” I reply dryly, looking away. That was the only excuse I could find to explain that I wasn’t interested in having sex with him right now.

“Oh... damn. That sucks.”

We barely talk for the rest of the ride. When we get to my place, I grab one of his bags and he brings the rest with him. We dump his stuff in the bedroom and I turn to him, trying to figure out if I’m any more excited to see him. I have to admit that I’m still feeling empty.

“Are you hungry?” he asks. “I’ve been starving the whole flight, if you want, I’ll prepare you something?”

“Okay, go ahead,” I say in a disinterested tone.

I go sit on the couch to watch some TV to change my mind.

 

* * *

 

I try to put my attention on the show, but it’s useless. I’m overwhelmed with the realization that I don’t feel anything for Nick anymore. Not only that, but he’s actually triggering unpleasant emotions in me.

When he’s done cooking our dinner, I meet him in the dining room and we eat mostly in silence. I feel him studying my face intently, trying to figure out if there’s something wrong. I decide I’m not ready for this conversation to take place, so I try to act happier and carefree around him.

“I’ll be leaving you alone tomorrow night,” I say casually. “I’m going to the theater with Josh.”

His head snaps at me. I’m so startled that I drop my fork in my plate.

“You’re working with him on location for four months, Jen. I have the chance to visit you one week and you can’t spend your time with me?”

“It’s his birthday gift, Nick,” I lie.

“I don’t fucking care! You should want to spend time with me, your boyfriend that you haven’t seen for two months, not the guy whom you spend all your time together with on set!”

I look down. It’s gonna be hard to get out of this, so I give up.

“Fine,” I let out with a deep sigh. “Do you want us to go to theater together instead?”

“Just you and I both? Without him?” He looks at me with a single raised eyebrow.

“Yes, just you and I.”

“Of course!”

He looks so enthusiastic. I sigh and resume my meal. This is not going like I expected.

 

* * *

 

When Nick leaves to go to the bathroom, I pick up my phone to text Josh.

JENNIFER: Hey Josh, I won’t be able to make it to the theater tomorrow night. BF isn’t really happy to stay alone for a night so I have to go with him instead. We’ll make it another time?

I send the message and have to hold back my tears. I was really looking forward to that night with him.

JOSH: Alright, I understand. I’ll still go, just alone and I’ll make sure not to see the same film as you. Have a good night, Jen. Hope you enjoy your company.

The last words get blurry from the tears that pool in my eyes. I run to my bedroom, close and lock the door, then jump on my bed to sob for a while. I hear Nick call me from the other side of the door, but I’m not ready to see him. I take my phone to send one last reply to Josh.

JENNIFER: It’s gonna be a long week.

 

* * *

 

I try to enjoy the movie, but I just can’t. I only think about Josh being so close, yet so far at the same time. I wish he was the one sitting next to me with the bowl of popcorn in his hands. I would cuddle next to him and entwine our arms together, rest my hand on his knee and lay my head in the crook of his neck. I try to imagine him resting his head on mine, just like he did that night we fell asleep together on my couch. He’d eat half of the popcorn and leave me the rest, then take my hand in his to stroke it lovingly.

Nick puts me out of my daydream by ranting about the film. I nod, having no idea what he’s talking about. The movie feels like it’s 4 hours long. I can’t wait to leave this place and go back to my bed.

When we exit the projecting room at last, I’m recognized by a girl who politely asks for a picture. She asks Nick to take the picture, not recognizing him at all. I pose with her and wear my best fake smile. She thanks us profusely and we finally leave the theater. I was hoping to get a glimpse of Josh while I was there, but it doesn’t happen.

 

* * *

 

When we get back from the theater and walk into my house, Nick finally figures out that something isn’t quite right.

“Jen, you don’t look happy that I’m here. What’s on your mind?”

We go back to the living room and sit on the couch. Sensing that I’m not in the mood, he picks one end and I make no move to get closer to him.

“I don’t know,” I say in a low voice, looking away from him. “We’ve been apart for a while, Nick, and we didn’t exactly leave each other in good terms. And I have to admit that it didn’t really get any better the few times we talked over Skype or texts.”

“You’re still mad at me for that?” he exclaims. “Jen, I thought you’d be pleased to move to London, really. Since you hate the paparazzi, I thought it was the best way to-“

“You also wanted to keep me away from my friends,” I interrupt him dryly, finally looking at his face.

He’s staring at me with a stunned expression.

“You don’t understand my career path if you think I could be successful living in London at the moment,” I add in the same harsh tone. “All of my current projects are in the US. My future projects will be here too. And if all goes like I wish it does, I should start getting involved in producing my own movies as well. I can’t do this from Europe, Nick. So why are you dead set on having me move over there?”

He bites his lower lip, as if he was hiding something from me.

“Maybe you’re not on the right career path.” He finally lets out in a sigh.

I frown, startled.

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe this is getting too big for you... you never wanted this, Jen. You wanted to act, but you didn’t want to become that famous-“

“Are you jealous because I’m more successful than you?”

He doesn’t say anything. I realize I probably nailed it. The wheels are still turning in my head, so I keep going.

“I’ve seen the way you reacted when that girl didn’t recognize you at the theater... Really?”

“It’s not that, it’s just... how can I say. It’s making me uncomfortable, that you’re getting so famous so quickly... that’s it. I thought, going away to London, you could go back to a more private life.”

“And let your own successful career shine over mine.”

I’m disgusted.

“Jen, it’s not that...”

“And you were jealous of Josh as well, because he got to spend more time with me since I was living in California while you were in London, right? That’s why you didn’t want to let me go out with him for one single night, even though you knew it was for his birthday and you’re well placed to know that filming a movie is hard work, and that most of the time you’re too busy to chill with your friends!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say I’m jealous of him, I already told you, I’m not afraid he’ll seduce you or anything, he’s not your type. But yeah, I’d be more comfortable if he wasn’t hanging around you all the time.”

I can’t believe how candidly he’s admitting this.

“You’re a selfish jerk, you know that?”

“Jen!” he cries out.

“You’re trying to break my career and my most meaningful relationships, just because you can’t stand the fact that I have close guy friends who aren’t you and that my career may be more successful than yours?”

He looks down.

“I hadn’t seen it that way,” he replies, lowering his voice. “I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear...”

I shake my head and look away.

“I think I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight. Good night.”

Without another word, I spring from the couch and walk to the guest room, where I lock myself in for the night.


	12. Chapter 12

**Josh’s POV**

That night, after my birthday dinner, I’m way too emotionally spent to actually sleep. So instead, I go for a walk under the stars to try and clear my head.  I make sure to wait until Andre is asleep before sneaking out, as I don’t want to answer his questions just yet.

He wasn’t surprised when I came back inside the restaurant looking dejected and I asked to leave. In the car ride home, he had been exceptionally silent; he somehow understood I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture on my complicated relationship with Jennifer Lawrence. In a way, I was relieved to know that in a few days, it would all be behind me. She’d figure out if she still felt something for her boyfriend and either way, I would be able to move on.

As I walk in front of the closed shops, the area eerily quiet except for the rustling of the leaves falling to the ground and the odd sound of the engine of a car passing by, I wonder what went through Jen’s mind tonight after I left her outside of the restaurant. If I’m being honest, I’ll acknowledge that I’m getting tired of her ambivalence.

I pass by a coffee shop that’s still opened and I decide to drop by, despite the fact that it’s empty and the employee might recognize me and want to engage in talk. When I enter the place, I find that the person in charge of working the counter for the night is a middle-aged woman with a very warm smile. She greets me as she would any other customer, so I guess she must not know me. I order a hot chocolate and she walks to the machine to prepare it, her grin still lighting up her face. I reckon that she may recognize me after all, but could be just too starstruck to go out of her way to actually talk to me. Either way, I don’t really feel like chatting so I’m thankful for her subdued attitude.

She promptly comes back with the drink and places the cup in front of me. I pay for it, thank her and sit at a corner table next to a window, my back facing the counter so that I don’t have to meet her gaze or anybody’s that would enter the shop. I retrieve my phone from my pocket and toy with the idea of texting Jen, but I figure she must be asleep at this hour. I sigh and start going through my emails. I quickly realize my mind is not on it and so I put the phone back in my pocket before taking a sip of my hot chocolate.

I can’t help but replay the whole night in my head once again. My friends and coworkers all looked so happy to be celebrating with me. I suddenly feel a pang of guilt at the idea that I barely paid attention to the other guests, even though they were there for me. At least, I think they enjoyed themselves. I know Sam and Woody sure did.

Jen’s face pops up again in my mind. I replay the scene that happened just before I left her for the night. At that moment – and it may have been the alcohol in my system talking – I was over her going back and forth between me and Nick. Objectively, I knew I was being a jerk since I had agreed to wait until she saw him and took her decision before moving on. But I couldn’t believe that even with the strong tension and attraction between us, the electrical current passing through our bodies when we hugged as I arrived for the dinner, and the burning desire she so obviously felt for me when my lips nearly touched hers, she would still go back to the comfort of her old boyfriend’s arms.

And yet, she was about to do it.

I quickly finish my hot chocolate even though it's borderline too hot and burns my throat. I get up, briefly salute the employee doing the dishes behind the counter, leave the shop and walk back to the house, hoping I’ll get there before Andre notices I was out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As if it was part of his duty as my guardian while I’m away from home, Andre somehow woke up during my outing and noticed I had left. Since the car was still in the driveway, he figured I must have gone for a walk and didn’t try to contact me on my cellphone right away. So when I enter the house, I find him patiently waiting for me in the living room, sitting on the sofa with a calm expression.

“Where were you?” he asks in a neutral tone.

“Took a walk in the neighborhood. Stopped by a coffee shop to have a cup of hot chocolate,” I sigh.

“At 3 in the morning?” He lifts an eyebrow suspiciously.

“You’re not my mom-“

“I was just wondering, is all.”

He pauses. I drop my phone, keys and wallet on the kitchen counter.

“I didn’t want to ask you because it’s none of my business, but I’m worried for you, Josh,” he adds with a sigh. “What’s going on between you and Jennifer? You can talk to me you know, I won’t tell.”

I shrug and crash on the couch.

“All this time, I thought she felt nothing more than friendship for me,” I start. “It turns out she thinks she loves me too.”

“What about Nick?”

“Yeah, that’s the thing. As it is, she thinks she no longer loves him, but she knows herself pretty well obviously, and she knows her feelings for him always kick in when she sees him in real life. So she wasn’t confident enough that it was over between them to actually dump him and act on her supposed feelings for me.”

He shakes his head in disbelief.

“I can’t believe she’s still playing with you. When will you stop letting her do that to you, Josh? You really think she could dump him? After almost two years of dating?”

“I guess we’ll wait and see. But judging by the way she kissed me and can’t keep her hands off me... I’m starting to think there’s a chance she may choose me, after all.”

“I hope she does,” he finally says, looking barely convinced. “You deserve it.”

“Thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, as I get ready to go play soccer with Sam and Woody in the park near the complex, I’m startled by the sound of an incoming text on my phone. My heart starts beating faster as I guess it must come from Jennifer. I still feel bad about my behavior last night. She didn’t deserve for me to let her down this way.

I look at the message and smile. I’m surprised at first that she’d want to go out with me while her boyfriend is in town, but I don’t make anything of it, and so I agree to her invitation.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

A few hours later, while I’m just relaxing, watching TV in my living room alone with my dog, I’m not surprised by her sudden cancellation of our plans. Disappointed, of course, but definitely not surprised. I decide I’ll still go to the theater tomorrow night, albeit alone. I’ll just make sure not to walk in her path.

After I finish typing and sending out my message, I drop my elbows on my knees and hide my face in my hands. It’s obvious she’s rekindled her romance with Nick, if she’s so happy to see him she can’t even take two hours out of her free time to hang out with me. I was a fool to think she could have had strong enough feelings for me to actually consider dumping her boyfriend. Andre was right, she played me big time, and now I’m paying the price.

I decide to go take a nap, as I have barely slept the night before and I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I was spent after my game of soccer, but this is tiring me on a whole different level. As I lie down on my bed, I close my eyes and try to picture my life without Jennifer in it. It’s sad at first, but I eventually turn to my friends and I am finally able to move on from her. I even imagine myself falling in love with another woman and starting a family. At this point, I make a promise to myself: I will be selfish and stop letting her hurt my feelings anymore. I have to fight the urge to cry for my broken dream, but I know that in the end, it’s the best decision I could ever make.

 

* * *

 

The next night, I debate with myself over actually going to the theater or not, but in the end, I decide to go anyway. I won’t keep myself from doing what I want just because I could witness her being happy with someone else.

I’m glad I took the time to convince myself it was a good idea, that I was strong enough to take it if I saw them and that it was the first step in moving on, cause when I take my place in line to have my ticket checked, I see them. There are a dozen of people separating us in the line, so they can’t really see me and I’m too far to have a good look at them. I don’t miss their entwined hands though, or Jen’s laughter when Nick tells her something funny. I really should have trusted Jen on this; she knew it would all come back to her when she saw him again.

I turn my head to watch the posters decorating the theater and to give me some place to look at where I can’t see them. But it’s useless: even in the corner of my eye, I can make them out. They’re having fun, rekindling, acting like a couple very much in love. I take a deep breath to try to ignore the sharp pain in my chest.

 

* * *

 

 

I have a hard time concentrating on the movie. I miss half of the lines because I can’t take my thoughts away from Jennifer’s behavior with Nick. I’m getting mad at myself for giving room to hope. I was doing a pretty good job at hiding and trying to forget my feelings for her when we started shooting the movie. Why did I let my guard down?

I’m an idiot.

As soon as the credits start rolling, I leave the theater, hoping to get home as soon as possible. Unfortunately for me, I’m recognized by two young fans who politely ask me for a picture. I can’t refuse, so I show my best fake smile and autograph their tickets before waving them goodbye. I make my way to my car, close my eyes for a minute and finally leave the theater, not even chancing a glance behind in case I’d see the two lovebirds again.

 

* * *

 

 

When I get home, Andre is busy doing the dishes, and he has no idea that I even saw Jen with Nick at the theater. I decide to tell him the truth, as there is no point in hiding it anymore.

“She’s back with him. Back as in, they were never broken up, but they had drifted apart in the last few weeks, and now they’re fully back on. You were right. I shouldn’t have let her play me for a fool like that. I’m ready to whip myself back in shape and forget all that happened between us.”

I pause.

“I’m not sure I even want to be her friend anymore.”

Andre smiles at me lightly.

“I’m sad for you that it’s ending this way, but at the same time, I’m glad you’re finally thinking about yourself now. You’ll find someone else who’ll be over the moon that you love her. That’s gonna be even better than dating her would have ever been. You may not see it right now, but this is a chance for you to be happy in the long run.”

“Maybe.”

I don’t add a word and walk straight to my bedroom.

“Josh?” Andre says at the last second. I turn around to face him, my features drained of all emotion.

“I’m really proud of you.”

I only nod sadly.

 

* * *

 

 

I’ve been trying to find sleep for a few minutes when I see my phone buzz with a new text. I briefly consider not even looking at it, but although I strongly suspect it’s from Jennifer, I wouldn’t want to miss a message from someone else. I take a look at the ID before reading the text and sigh. I put the phone back on the nightstand, fully intending to ignore her message. I really don’t need her to rub her happiness in my face at the moment.

After a while of not sleeping though, the curiosity is too strong and I berate myself for caving in. I know I’ll be hurt, but then again, better deal with all the pain at the same time so I can finally move on.

JENNIFER: I wish you had been the one with me tonight. I miss you.

Oh, really? I can’t help but let a bitter laugh go out. For once, I decide being brutally honest is the only way to go.

JOSH: Do you even like me at all? Not as a lover obviously, but as a simple friend? Am I so ridiculous that you constantly feel the need to set me up or make fun of me? Please, stop. It’s obvious you don’t care about me, but can you at least be nice and stop playing this game with me? Or are you two actually enjoying seeing me hurt?

My eyes are full of tears by the time I find the courage to hit the “send” button. After that, I don’t even wait for a reply before I fall into a deep sleep, my body finally understanding how thoroughly exhausted I am.

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I thought sharing with Josh my disastrous date would ease the longing for him that I had felt all night long, but the way he answered me back made my heart stop. I don’t understand where he comes from at all, but he’s obviously very hurt and he didn’t understand my comment the way I meant it. I take a few minutes to figure out what to tell him, willing the stabbing sensation in my chest to disappear.

JENNIFER: You were right all along, Josh. He had very questionable motives for asking me to move to London. We had a fight tonight. I’ll tell you all tomorrow, if you want. I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I truly love you, and I can’t wait to see you on set tomorrow.

I decide not to add anything more as I’m still puzzled over his last text and worrying that I might make it worse. I send the message and wait a long time for a reply that never comes. After a half-hour of waiting anxiously, I give up and try to sleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I end up barely sleeping at all. I wake up before Nick and decide to get ready as quickly as possible so that I can leave for work before he gets up, thus avoiding another fight. It doesn’t take me long to be ready to go as I’m still heartbroken and can’t stomach anything, not even a cup of coffee. It’s a shame, cause given the few hours of sleep I had last night, I’m gonna have a hard time being alert on set. I figure I could still grab a cup at the catering tent if I feel better later on.

As I get in my car, I have to take a few deep breaths to calm me down. The nervousness is slowly invading me and a feeling of dread that I never, ever had going into work starts to consume me. I don’t even know what I have done wrong, except being confused with my feelings and fearing to make a mistake.

After parking my car, I walk straight to the trailer I share with Josh, hoping that he’s also there early and I can actually talk to him before starting to work. When I walk up the stairs and try to open the door, I find it locked. I lean as close to the door as I can to call him through it.

“Josh? Andre? It’s Jennifer. Can you open the door for me please?”

I wait what feels like an eternity before Andre finally opens the door and stares at me with an angry look. I expect him to move aside so I can come in but he stays in the middle of the frame, effectively keeping me from entering the trailer.

“Can you wait a few more minutes?” he says sharply. “Josh will leave and you’ll be able to stay as long as you need. Just give him a few minutes.”

“I’m glad he’s here, I wanted to talk to him –“

“Well, he doesn’t want to. He knows you’re here but he still doesn’t want to see you any more than necessary. And honestly, after the way you’ve treated him, that’s the least he deserves, Jennifer.”

“What do you mean?” I frown. I really have no idea what he’s talking about.

“You know very well what I mean.” He sighs. “I would have never thought you were the kind to be so mean to people. Especially to people as sweet and nice as Josh.”

“He sent me a text last night, he must have misunderstood something-“

“You can misunderstand words, Jennifer. But you can’t misunderstand actions. Revealing actions.”

He makes a move to close the door but not before adding something.

“Five minutes. Come back in five minutes and the way will be clear.”

And then, he closes the door right in front of me. The little “clac” sound that follows confirms me that he’s also locked it. Stunned, I turn around and make my way down the stairs. I back off into the side of the trailer and start sobbing intensely. I run my hand over my face to wipe the tears that I can’t control anymore. He no longer wants to talk to me. He doesn’t even want to explain what happened. And now, Andre is acting like his protective bodyguard, siding with him and keeping me from having any contact he deems unnecessary with him.

“Jen? What’s wrong?”

I look up to find a very concerned Francis watching over me with a confused expression. I wipe the last tears off my face and take a deep breath.

“Personal issues. I’ll be fine, I just need a moment to... to put myself back together.”

“ Are you sure?”

“Yes, yes. I’m a professional, I can do it. Don’t worry, I’ll be ready and on set on time for the call.”

“If you need anything, you know that you can talk to me, right?”

“Yes. And I appreciate it. Thank you Francis.”

“You’re welcome,” he says with a comforting smile, patting my shoulder before turning around to enter the costume trailer.

I’m still working on steadying my breath when the door of my trailer suddenly bursts open. Andre comes out, closely followed by Josh, who doesn’t even glance in my direction. I look at him, my eyes full of tears, but even if he senses my gaze, he doesn’t turn to meet it. He looks both determined and empty.  I don’t dare say a word and watch him until he’s disappeared in the hair and make-up trailer.

I finally enter the trailer, drop on the couch and cry some more, willing my heartbreak to get out of my system for the moment. I’m not a fool; I know it’s just a matter of time before it comes back in full force.

I wait a few more minutes before I decide to walk to the hair and make-up trailer. Just as I’m about to leave, I hear the sound of an incoming text on my phone. I sigh, turn around and pick it up, hoping against hope that it’s Josh and he wants to let me know why he’s so mad at me and he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Instead, I find a text from my boyfriend, who clearly just woke up.

NICK: Hey baby, how come you didn’t wake me up? Sorry for last night BTW, I wish we wouldn’t fight over pointless things like that. I can’t wait for you to be back, I miss you. Wish you have a good day on set. Can you get me a pass so I can visit you tomorrow? See you later, love you!

I don’t know how to tell him that I absolutely don’t want him on set right now. Since I have to leave, I just decide to conveniently ignore it for the moment. Unfortunately, I can’t overlook the burst of anger and resentment that fills me when I recall our heated discussion from last night.

 

* * *

 

 

As I reach the hair and make-up trailer, I know I’m in for a lot of questioning over my appearance. It’s obvious I’m just out of a crying session. Thankfully, the crew are professionals and they just ask me if I’m okay; they don’t try to get to know why I’m so upset. It takes a little more work than usual to get me to look flawless, but when it’s done, Ve, the make-up designer, whispers to me.

“Please, don’t cry any more, you look great right now!”

She winks. I smile and thank her, then make my way to the costume trailer to dress up. Today, we’re filming extra scenes for the Victory Tour, which means I’ll have to work closely with Josh. I try to avoid thinking about him as much as I can, since I feel a pang of guilt and hurt every time I picture his handsome face or remember his crude words from last night. I wish he’d let me explain whatever it is that he likely got all wrong, but I’m not expecting any opening after the way he carefully ignored me earlier.

Once I’m back outside, I text Justine to let her know I’m already heading to the set. Since I came to work earlier than usual, she’s not there yet.

These days, we’re filming in an airport hangar. I walk to the set and my heart starts beating faster when I get a glimpse of Josh, standing on a makeshift platform that will be transformed into the porch of the Justice Building of one of the districts when the CGI crew work their magic on the images. Nervousness invades my whole being as I get closer to the platform. Josh and Woody both turn their heads towards me, but while Woody actually greets me happily, Josh only nods coldly and quickly looks away. The little smile I had managed to put on my face falls and I feel the tears threatening to make a return. I pinch my nose to keep them inside and go up the stairs to join the rest of the Victor trio.

“Hey, Jennifer, what do you say we have lunch together in my bus later?” Woody says, unable to hide the light discomfort in his tone.

“Sure.”

I can’t form any more words, my voice cracking at the end of the single word I just muttered. Josh is still ignoring me. I don’t understand him at all. Last week, he was willing to wait for me to take my decision. Now that I’ve decided to dump Nick and give ourselves a chance, he pushes me away? What happened for him to change his mind so suddenly?

At the moment, the only logical explanation I have is Andre. It’s obvious he doesn’t agree with what I let happen between Josh and I – I’m not naive enough to think that Josh hasn’t told anybody at all, and who better to tell than one of his best friends, really – so I guess he must have had a pep talk with Josh and convinced him that I was a monster and it was better if he’d give up on me already. The more I think about it, the more I realize that he’s probably right. I don’t deserve him.

Justine finally arrives and hugs me. She’s completely oblivious to the drama that went down in the last few hours and I’m not interested in letting her know what happened just yet. I almost ask her to get me a coffee, but I decide I’d better not, given the stress I’m already feeling. She knows me so well though, that she notices my distressed state right away.

“Are you okay, Jen?”

“Yeah, I am.” I lie. I see Josh’s face turn towards me for a flicker of a moment, but he quickly turns away, not before I have the time to see the trace of hurt in his eyes. I really have to talk to him. Maybe I could convince Woody to ask him to hear me out, at least.

The morning goes by very slowly. Josh and I play our roles as usual. At some point, he has to take my hand and lift our intertwined fingers in the air.

It’s so good to feel the warmth of his skin on mine once again.

 I try not to linger between takes, but it turns out I don’t even have to pay attention to it as Josh lets go of my hand the second Francis calls “Cut!”, as if it was burning his skin. I try very hard not to let my lack of enthusiasm show, but I’m probably not fooling anybody.

It requires many takes before Francis is finally satisfied with our work. He calls the lunch hour and Josh looks like he can’t wait to be away from me. I see him walk fast to the trailer, while I follow Woody to his own bus. As soon as we’re inside, Woody looks at me with a slightly annoyed face. I sit on his couch and pick on my food.

“Do you know why Josh won’t talk to me?” I suddenly ask, looking up at his face.

“Yes. Don’t you?”

“No,” I reply, more confused than ever. “He just sent me an accusatory text last night and he’s been tight-lipped ever since.”

“You really have no idea?” He says, lifting his eyebrows in disbelief.

“No.”

I take a deep breath and decide to be honest with him.

“I love him, Woody,” I sigh. “I’ve known it for a long time, but I was too scared of making a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend. But seeing him this weekend, I could only acknowledge that I don’t feel anything special for him anymore.”

“Really?”

“Yes!” I exclaim. “I wouldn’t lie about that. Why?”

“Nothing.” He says, shaking his head and looking down at his plate.

“And so in the last few weeks, I got even closer to Josh and we kissed a few times. We knew it shouldn’t have happened but... it happened anyway. And so I asked him to wait for me to make a decision and I thought he approved. But then, just as I’m ready to give him my heart, he turns around and misunderstands everything I’ve done.”

I pause, holding back another round of tears.

“I don’t know what happened.”

“Do you want my advice?” Woody finally says, dropping his fork and grabbing his water bottle to take a long gulp.

“Of course,” I reply, giving him a hopeful stare.

“Make sure your non verbal language doesn’t contradict what’s coming out of your mouth. That may help avoid some misunderstandings.”

“What do you mean? You think I may have done something for him to believe I’m still in love with Nick?”

“Touché.”

He takes a bite of his salad and keeps going.

“That theater date with your boyfriend wasn’t exactly your best idea to avoid presenting yourselves as a couple. Just saying.”

The anger starts to bubble in my veins. I’m tired of everyone talking to me in riddles. I want to know what Josh misunderstood, and it seems that the only way to know will be to ask him directly. I pick up my phone, but Woody snatches it from my hands before I can type anything.

“Don’t even think about texting or talking to him unless it’s for professional reasons. There aren’t a lot of people here who have an idea of what happened, but those who do all agree on one thing. He’s suffered enough as it is. I’m sorry to have to say this but, leave him alone. Please. Let him move on, and maybe one day he’ll want to be your friend again.”

“But why would he want to move on?” I ask desperately. “I thought he wanted us to be together. Now that I’m ready for it to happen, why wouldn’t he want it too?”

“Are you really?”

“Yes!”

“Then you’ll have to be mature and prove it to him. “

I sigh loudly.

“I can’t do this if I can’t talk to him. Everyone is shielding him away from me...”

“For his sanity, Jen. Don’t you think you’ve hurt him enough as it is? Or is he right in thinking you actually enjoyed seeing him suffer?”

I’m stunned that he could think this of me.

“Of course not!” I almost yell.

He keeps silent and takes a few bites out of his salad. I still haven’t really touched my plate, the meager appetite I had when I entered the trailer having completely vanished since.

“Then be honest with yourself about your feelings for either one of them. That will be the only way to be honest about it with him too, and he deserves better than being fed lies, you know?”

“I haven’t lied to him. Woody, please, can you help me? I really need to talk to him... there’s no way I could ever clear the misunderstanding otherwise. But Andre is always there to make sure I don’t talk to him... what can I do?”

I stare at him imploringly. He finally nods slightly.

“I’ll talk to him. But don’t expect any miracles.”

“Thank you so much Woody.”

“You know you’re both idiots, right?” he says with a smile. I reply with one of my own, finally seeing a bit of hope in that disastrous day.


	13. Chapter 13

**Josh’s POV**

This day at work is quickly becoming the hardest of the shoot, not because the scenes we have to film are particularly dark, but because of the struggle I have to actually avoid talking to Jennifer. I can’t afford to let her swaying me into thinking she wants me; I’m past that and trying to be stronger. She looks confused all day long, but I guess it must be because she didn’t think I’d be smart enough to figure out the game she was playing all along.

When I arrived on set with Andre earlier, he made it clear that he’d have my back all day long. I told him once again how dead set I was on not talking to her unless necessary and asked him to help me in doing so. For once, I felt like I could do it, but I feared I was gonna crack when she actually showed up to work.

We came here earlier than usual, hoping that she would arrive long after I’m gone from the trailer and I wouldn’t have to face her just yet, but she must have thought the same thing. My resolve almost falters when I hear her voice on the other side of the door, but fortunately, Andre handles things in my best interest. I don’t know what I would do without him. I’d probably let her walk on my broken heart again and again.

I thought I’d be sadder than this, but I find that instead, I’m feeling empty. It helps, cause I really don’t want to go into another crying fit this morning. I make my way to the set early and sit on the edge of the platform, looking far away in the distance. Suddenly, I feel a presence next to me.

“What’s going on?”

I lift my head up and find Woody standing next to me. He lowers himself to the ground and sits beside me, watching me expectantly. I sigh and figure I can tell him what happened.

“I was getting too close to Jen. We kissed a few times. I thought she really had feelings for me. Turns out she was playing me all along. Her boyfriend is in town and she’s never been happier to see him.”

“How do you know?” He frowns.

“Saw them acting all lovey-dovey at the theater last night.”

He gives me a sympathetic smile.

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. I’ll get over it, I guess. I just need time. It may have been the best thing to happen to me yet, even though it sucks. I won’t have a choice but to move on.”

He shakes his head sadly.

“What?” I ask.

“You’d have worked so well together.”

“Yeah, but I’m not what she wants. Deal with it.”

He nods. There’s an awkward silence before he replies.

“If you need anything, you know you can ask me, right?”

“Yes.” I pause. “Would you mind inviting her to lunch in your bus? Just so I don’t have to face her in my trailer.”

“Sure.”

I see Francis coming our way, a cup of coffee in one hand and his working notes in the other. I try to smile to hide the fact that I’m not happy, but his face takes an obvious frown as he notices I’m not as joyful as usual. When he reaches me, he slips his notes under his arm and pats my shoulder.

“Are you okay?” he asks in a friendly tone.

“Sure. Why?”

“Nothing.” I notice his lips closing in a thin line, before he sighs and reveals what’s on his mind. “Jennifer looked upset, you look sad or something... what’s going on with my cast?”

“Nothing,” I assure him, maybe a little too strongly to be convincing. “Nothing at all. And it shouldn’t affect our work. We’re both professionals.”

“I know. I wasn’t worried about that.”

“Good.”

I don’t add anything and pretend to be very interested by my script. It’s totally pointless as we’re set to film scenes with no dialogue that will be included in a montage of the districts, but Francis gets the message and nods before moving on to other crew people. I get up, Woody following me, and we wait in silence for the day to start.

A few minutes later, when Jennifer walks up the stairs, I barely acknowledge her presence. She doesn’t insist, so I think she must have got the message. It pains me to think that she seems so peaceful with it, but then again, I’ll never understand her and I’d rather see her indifferent than enjoying my being hurt over our relationship.

 

* * *

 

 

I hide a relieved smile when Woody acts on my request and invites Jennifer to spend the break in his bus. I decide to eat my own lunch quickly in the trailer in case Jennifer needs to come back.

As I take a bite of sandwich, I feel Andre observing me intently.

“What’s on your mind?” I finally ask, a little bit annoyed.

“I was just thinking how you’re doing great so far,” he says with a smile. “She asked to speak to you multiple times, but you didn’t flinch. Keep going.”

“Yeah,” I say, looking away. He’s barely hiding a slightly triumphant smile that’s driving me nuts. As much as I’d like to take pride in my actions, I only feel disappointed that this is the end of my dream. “I barely looked at her all morning but she didn’t look too pleased with herself, at least. It makes it better. She isn’t making fun of me as I thought she would.”

“You really thought she’d do it at work?” I turn to him in time to see his lifted eyebrow.

“Yeah, maybe not, after all. But it doesn’t matter.”

I pick up my phone to check if I’ve missed calls or texts. I find an unread message from Jennifer that came in last night. She must have answered my last text after I fell asleep and I didn’t pick up on it this morning. I sigh, put the phone back on the table and take my face in my hands.

“What’s up?” Andre asks, his mouth full.

“She sent me a text last night. I can’t stand to read her lies again. Would you read it for me?”

“Sure. Bring it here,” he replies, motioning for me to hand him the phone.

I give it to him and stare at him questioningly. As he takes in the content of the message, he sighs.

“Well... I’m glad you didn’t read that last night. But I think you should read it now. You’re determined enough to recognize her bullshit and not let it get to you.”

He hands me back the phone and I dare look at her words.

JENNIFER: You were right all along, Josh. He had very questionable motives for asking me to move to London. We had a fight tonight. I’ll tell you all tomorrow, if you want. I don’t understand what you’re talking about. I truly love you, and I can’t wait to see you on set tomorrow.

“Yeah, right...” I sigh.

I put the phone back on the table and hide my face in my hands, sadness and longing filling me again. Andre comes sit next to me and looks at me intently.

“You’re doing great so far Josh.”

“Why does she keep doing this? Why is she lying to me all the fucking time?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure she even knows why she does it. What will you do?”

I take some time to think before answering.

“I’ll have to talk to her eventually. I know that. But it doesn’t have to be today, right?”

“It doesn’t have to be ever, man. You can work around it for your job, but no need to talk to her in private.”

“Yeah. I’ll see how it goes.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When I go back on set after lunch, Woody and Jen are already waiting by the platform and chatting with crew members. I make my way over to them, and Woody grabs me by the arm to lead me to a more private corner.

“She wants to talk to you,” he says.

“I know,” I reply, looking at him straight in the eyes. “Well, she won’t have her way with me this time, cause I have no intention of talking to her unless we’re working. What I saw was the final straw. I have to take charge of my own happiness now.”

He sighs.

“I knew you’d be hard to convince. Maybe if you call her on what she did to you, she’ll leave you alone afterwards. As long as she’s confused, she’ll bother you to know what she did wrong.”

“I’m not gonna give her an opportunity to make fun of me even more, Woody,” I say, annoyed. “I’ve had enough of that already. Why don’t you tell her to go back to her boyfriend instead? She’ll be much happier. Why isn’t he here already? He always hanged out with her when he was visiting the set last year.”

“She made sure to leave her place before he woke up this morning. She really seems to want nothing to do with him anymore-“

“Well, that’s not what I saw at the theater last night.”

I don’t add that she mentioned having a fight with him after they came back from the theater. It doesn’t matter. It may have looked like a big deal to her at the time, but they’ll make up. They always do.

Woody nods. I walk back to the platform and my eyes briefly meet Jen’s. She’s staring at me intently, looking overly emotional.

I’ll definitely never understand why she feels this need to act all wounded around me. It’s not as if she ever had any feelings for me. Maybe a small part of her still enjoyed my friendship.

“Josh...” she says softly when I pass next to her.

I stop in my tracks before turning around. I give her a tired look, no longer being able to hide how sad she’s making me.

“What do you want?” I finally let out, annoyed. “I thought my message was clear enough. I saw you at the theater. There, I said it. Now you won’t be able to fool me anymore.”

“What do you mean, you saw me at the theater?” She looks genuinely surprised.

I huff in exasperation.

“Oh, Jennifer, give me a break! I know you never really loved me. I know you never had any intention of breaking up with your boyfriend. I saw how very much in love with him you are. So stop trying to play with my heart-“

“It’s not true!” she shouts, before covering her mouth with her hand in surprise.

I look at the ground to stop the tears from falling. Now is not the time to look weak in front of her. I must be strong, or else she’ll find a way to play me again.

“You wanted to know why I didn’t want to talk to you right now?” I add in a soft, posed tone. “There, you know it. Now leave me alone. I may not be as handsome, brilliant and talented as your boyfriend, but I still think I deserve to be respected, not being made fun of.”

I chance one last glance at her face. She has tears running down her cheeks, and she’s speechless. I eventually turn around and go hide in a corner trying to forget all about her, but only succeeding in feeling even more heartbroken.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You were hard on her, you know.”

I haven’t left my hiding spot yet. I look up to see Woody staring down at me, shaking his head like he doesn’t believe it. I get up and look him in the eyes.

“Not as hard as she was on me.”

“You’re really stubborn, aren’t you? You didn’t even give her a chance to explain herself.”

“Are you gonna be mad at me because I didn’t give her a chance to feed me with all her shit?”

“Josh...” he starts.

“You’re a fool if you think she gives a damn about me. She’s just mad I saw through her big pile of lies. Nothing more. She wants to save face.”

“You’re delusional.”

 “No. I’m realistic. But you know what? It’s a blessing in disguise. I always thought I should move on from her. Loving her was pointless, but obviously I couldn’t control that. But now, she’s giving me a reason to move on. Isn’t it sweet?”

He shakes his head.

“No, it’s sad, actually. It’s sad that you’re judging her without taking the time to hear her out. Maybe you’d be pleasantly surprised. I understand she’s hurt you in the past and you’re trying to build up defence walls around yourself, but you had a chance at being happy together. Why aren’t you taking it?”

I take a deep breath, trying to overcome the hope he’s giving me. I can’t break, not right now.

“Because you’re a fool if you think she really wants anything to do with me.”

“Do you still think you’re worth less than Nick because of your height, your age, your upbringing...” he asks in a low voice.

I sigh.

“Maybe.”

“And you think she gives a fuck about that?”

“I don’t know,” I shrug. “I only know that she loves him and nothing is gonna change that. If I want to be able to be happy for her someday, I have to back off for a while. Maybe once I move on for real, I’ll be able to become her friend again. Now, it hurts too much.”

“I understand. But you won’t be able to truly move on if you don’t let her explain what she did.”

I think about everything he said. How he seemed to think she had something important to tell me, or that I was judging her too harshly. I’m afraid that if I do hear her out, I’ll fall in the same trap and she’ll hurt me again. Woody continues, as if he could read my thoughts.

“You’re strong enough to take it, Josh. Don’t underestimate yourself.”

“Okay,” I sigh, defeated.

He grins and pats me on the back.

“Now, that’s a mature move.”

 

* * *

 

 

After Francis wraps the day, I decide to wait for Jennifer at the entrance of the hangar. She almost passes straight by me, not noticing that I’m still standing there, so I call her name in a low voice.

“Jennifer?”

She turns around and looks at me, seeming surprised but also relieved.

“I got your text from last night this morning,” I say, slowly making my way to her. “Woody told me you wanted to talk to me. It must be important if you’re so dead set on losing your time with me.”

“Josh...” she looks at me, her eyes full of fresh tears. She walks closer in front of me. I still can’t help the hopeless feeling of longing and lust that invades me when I stand so close to her.

“Go ahead. I’m listening. But don’t expect me to stay after.”

She swallows heavily and looks down. She can’t even bring herself to look at my eyes to tell me this.

“I didn’t feel anything, Josh. Nothing positive, at least. He annoys me, makes me mad... I can’t wait for him to leave my place.”

I shake my head, sadly.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask in a low voice.

“Why am I doing what?”

“Why are you lying in my face!” I scream. I can’t deal with it anymore.

“I’m not lying!” she screams back.

“Oh no?” I reply, lowering my tone. “Then why were you laughing with him, holding hands and shit at the theater? Thankfully, I didn’t see the same movie as you so I couldn’t watch you guys being all lovey-dovey in the projection room. Why do you feel the need to lie to me all the time? You can tell me you’re not interested and I’ll move on. But don’t tell me you love me one day and go on a hot romantic date with your boyfriend the next!”

I run a hand through my hair, suddenly feeling stressed out.

“I thought we were friends, Jen. Good friends. What happened for you to lead me on this way? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Are you mad at me because I let you kiss me?”

“No, of course not,” she says in a soft tone. “But I’m not lying. I was acting at the theater. I knew if I didn’t pretend to be the girlfriend I always had been, it would end up in a fight and I wanted to at least enjoy my night. But I didn’t even do it. We ended up fighting when we came back anyway. I’ve always been honest with you, Josh. I’ve told you I was confused and needed time to understand where I stood. Now that I have it figured out, you tell me it’s too late? What happened to your promise that you’d wait for me?”

I’m too stunned to reply. The truth is that I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if I should trust her again. But then I pick up a detail that makes me understand I cannot trust her just yet.

“You say you can’t wait for him to go away, but yet you don’t have the courage to actually break up with him.”

“I wasn’t going to do it in the middle of a fight, and I haven’t talked to him since.”

“But you weren’t willing to stand up when he acted like a selfish jerk and demanded that you cancel our night out.” I realize how utterly jealous I must sound, and that it doesn’t make me look any better than her boyfriend in the moment, but I can’t help it.

“I was tired of fighting.”

I look away.

“You always find an excuse. Look, I don’t know why you want to convince me-“

She startles me by putting her hand on my cheek. From up close, I can see that she’s still crying. She brings her forehead to rest on mine and sighs.

“I don’t wanna lose you,” she whispers.

I don’t know how to resist her anymore. She’s totally wrapping me around her finger. I try to remember Andre’s words from earlier, but with her body so close to mine, I lose all my means.

I pull away a little bit to look at her face. I tentatively snake my arms around her waist, bringing her in a deep hug. She wraps her arms around my neck and I feel her start sobbing on my shoulder.

After a moment, I pull away and look her straight in the eyes, mustering all the strength that I can.

“I can’t go on like that,” I say in a low voice. “Either we’re friends, or simple co-workers. You’re obviously not ready to let him go, so we can’t stay close like that. It kills me, you know? When you figure out what you want us to be, come back to me and we’ll see.”

A flicker of determination passes through her eyes.

“I’m gonna dump him tonight.”

I look her straight in the eyes and sigh, shaking my head.

“Do it for yourself, if it’s what you want. Don’t do it for my sake. If you do it for me... I can’t guarantee you it’ll be worth it in the end.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

Judging from the way he has carefully avoided me all day long, I didn’t expect Josh to agree to talk to me so soon. When I heard his sweet voice calling me, my heart started beating faster. As I made my way over to him, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the pressure of making him understand how much I cared for him. I smiled a little bit, but the light bit of happiness I had in my face fell quickly when he started to talk.

I’ll never get accustomed to the coldness in his voice. It shatters my heart to see him so hurt. I wish I could take all his pain away, but how can I do it if I don’t even know what brought it on in the first place?

Fortunately, it didn’t take long before he let me know what was going on in his head. How he saw me looking happy with Nick at the theater. If only he knew... I had struggled all day long because Nick didn’t understand how I couldn’t welcome his touch after our fight. Pushing me to cancel my night with Josh didn’t help rekindle the flame either. And so when he started questioning my actions, I decided to pretend nothing was wrong just for that night, and figure out how to best end things with him afterwards. I thought it wasn’t nice of me to break up with him as soon as he got in Atlanta.

But Josh couldn’t know that, and so he got everything wrong. As he started yelling at me that I was lying to him, I understood that I had probably broken something between us that would take a lot of work to fix. Trust.

I wish I could go back to Sunday afternoon. I’d have taken the time to call Josh - or at least text him - to let him know how it was going on with Nick and that I was ready to leave him for good. That I was taking this last date as a farewell, and wanted Nick to remember me as a loving girlfriend and not a selfish bitch. That I was tired of fighting with Nick and wanted a reprieve, if only for a short time. But I did none of that, and thus jeopardized his trust in me forever.

In that moment, so close to him yet so far away due to his constant need to run away from me emotionally, I couldn’t help but reach for him. Delicately caress the soft skin of his cheek. Feel the very subtle stubble along the line of his jaw. Enjoy the warmth of his arms. And so when he pressed his body against mine, even for a single second, I felt like I was in heaven.

But then, as soon as I hid my face in his shoulder, I remembered that he wanted nothing more with me. That he couldn’t forgive me for betraying his trust, even though things weren’t quite as they looked.

This time, I didn’t even make an effort to hide my tears. The thought of losing him, all of him, made me sob even harder. As he pulled away, I figured it was over, but then he surprised me by giving us one ultimate chance. It must have taken him all of his strength to overcome his trust issues. And so as I watched him leave, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to win his trust back, starting with dealing with my failing relationship with Nick for good.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When I get home, he’s waiting for me on the couch, looking annoyed. I drop my handbag on the table and walk to him. He gets up from the couch, possessively grabs my hips and leans down to kiss me. I turn my head to the side to dodge the kiss and slowly push him away. He looks at me with a confused expression.

“What’s wrong, Jen? I don’t recognize you. You would have never left in the morning without kissing me before. You didn’t even bother to reply to my text. I already apologized for my comments the other day. What else do you need?”

“It’s over, Nick.” I let out in a steady voice.

“What do you mean, it’s over?”

His eyes get wide and he quickly removes his hands from the place they were resting on my hips. I look down. It’s obvious his question is rhetorical; he understood very well what I meant by that.

“Jen, we’ve been together for two years, you can’t do that...” he says, giving me a pleading look. “I still love you! I will move to L.A. if you prefer that, we’ll see each other more often-“

“No, Nick,” I reply, shaking my head and looking away. “Seeing each other more often won’t make the problem go away. I’m over us. When the feelings aren’t there anymore... it’s time to move on.”

“I don’t understand... how did we get to that point?”

“We drifted apart, I guess. We clearly don’t have the same goals-“

“I’ll do whatever you want for you to be happy, Jen, please... give me a chance. Give us a chance.”

I close my eyes to will the tears away. Even though I acknowledge that I’m no longer in love with him, I realize I still feel a deep level of affection for him, and so seeing him heartbroken, willing to sink as low as possible to salvage our relationship, makes me a little sad.

“I can’t,” I finally say. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”

His face falls even more. I take a deep breath and lift my head to look him straight in the eyes. He seems stunned.

“There must be a way... you don’t throw a two-year relationship by the window like this!”

“It’s a very thoughtful decision, Nick,” I say in a low voice.

He appears to be thinking about something, and then he looks at me with a hard face.

“Is there another man? Who is it? That Hemsworth dude?”

“Nick!” I cry out, shocked by his assumption.

“Is there anyone else?” he yells, clenching his teeth and breathing heavily.

I sigh, look away and decide to tell him the truth.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?” He looks at me with wide eyes. “You cheated on me?”

“No-“ I start, before he interrupts me with a sarcastic look.

“Really?”

“Yes! I’m not a cheater!”

“Then how can you say there may be someone else?” he says in a harsh tone.

“It doesn’t matter, Nick,” I reply dryly..” I haven’t cheated on you, I’m no longer in love with you so I’m breaking up. What I do afterwards is none of your business.”

“Not Josh? Seriously, Jen?”

I bite my lower lip in response.

“Seriously?”

He looks disgusted. My face hardens and I motion for him to go out.

“Out. Take your stuff and go away. I’m gonna call you a cab. I can take insults. But you have no business insulting Josh that way. I understand you may be bitter, but I won’t put up with your shit anymore. You can’t act like a jerk towards my best friend and expect me to feel sorry for you. That was the last straw.”

He purses his lips, before nodding and heading to my bedroom.

“Fine, I’m going.”

While he gathers his stuff, I take my phone and call the cab. A few minutes later, he leaves the house, without even a goodbye. I want to feel relieved that he’s gone, but instead I feel empty and I want to cry. I close the door, turn around and take a deep breath. I decide to call Justine so that I can talk with a friend.

As I wait for her, I sit on the couch and try to forget what just happened with Nick. I expected him to get upset, but I hadn’t guessed he’d figure out I had something going on with Josh. I grab my phone and text him to let him know.

JENNIFER: I’ve done it. I’m single now.

He doesn’t take long before answering.

JOSH: Is this what you really wanted for yourself?

I frown, before typing back my reply.

JENNIFER: Of course this is what I wanted.

JOSH: Why do I sense you’re not enthusiastic about it?

JENNIFER: We had a fight. He figured out I had feelings for you. He insulted you again...

JOSH: Well if we ever date, you’ll have to get used to that kind of comment, you know. I don’t exactly match you in the looks department.

JENNIFER: You have no idea how handsome you are.

I hope he finally gets the message. Before he has a chance to reply, I hear a knock at the door. I quickly let Justine in. She doesn’t know yet what I just did; she’s only aware that I needed somebody to talk to.

“What’s going on?” she asks, curious.

“Wait a minute, I just have a text to send,” I say walking back to the couch.

I write my message quickly.

JENNIFER: Justine is here. Let’s talk about it tomorrow? I can’t wait to see you.

I hit the send button and put the phone on the side table. When it buzzes back with the answer, I take a look and smile for the first time since I got home.

JOSH: Sure. Good night. See you tomorrow :-)

“You were texting Nick?” She asks, looking over my shoulder in hopes to get a glimpse of my conversation.

“No. Josh.” I say with a grin.

“Oh.”

“Nick and I are no longer together,” I sigh. “I just dumped him half an hour ago.”

“Oh, shit...” she whispers. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. It was my choice. He didn’t take it well obviously. That’s the main reason I’m upset right now.”

She puts her arm around my shoulder and rubs my arm soothingly. I look down to hide the strange mix of shame and relief I’m feeling right now.

“You had to be expecting it.”

“I was. But it sucks anyway. I didn’t want to hurt him, you know? Even though it was kinda inevitable.”

“Why did you do it?”

I take some time to think before answering.

“He wasn’t making me feel positive things anymore. He was annoying me instead of arousing me. Made me angry instead of happy. I wasn’t missing him when he wasn’t here and I couldn’t wait for him to go away when he got here.”

“That sounds like legit reasons,” she says.

“I think I really took the right decision. It’s hard, but I’m glad I can move on now.”

“What about Josh?” she smiles.

“I don’t know yet. He barely talked to me all day because he saw me with Nick at the theater and based on our PDA, he thought I was still in love with him and I was leading him on.”

“Wait, why were you packing on the PDA if you were so mad at him?”

I patiently tell her the reasons why I acted the way I did. All along, she shakes her head in disbelief. I know she isn’t judging me, but if I’m honest, I’ll acknowledge that I made some huge mistakes that night. I deserve some credit for the mess I was in.

“I never thought he’d see us,” I let out with a sigh.

“I see.”

“I have to win his trust back before anything can happen between us. It doesn’t matter, I’m not ready for another relationship just yet, but there’s something broken between Josh and me. I hope I’ll be able to fix it soon. I miss him, Justine.”

“Yeah, it shows,” she sighs. “And when I arrived, you were telling him that on the phone?”

“Yeah.”

“How did he react?”

“He feared I was doing it for him.”

“Well, with the reasons you gave me earlier, I’m pretty confident you did it for yourself before anyone else.”

“Thank you. That’s what I figured too. That’s why I wanted to see him before making the move. I knew there was a chance my feelings would come back by seeing him again. But it didn’t happen. That was the last step in convincing me.”

“I’m proud of you,” she says with a huge grin.

“Thank you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When I try to go to sleep that night, I find that I can’t actually fall asleep because the bed still smells like Nick and it brings back too many painful memories. I’m still not over the fact that I’m responsible for his misery – even though he partly brought it on himself by acting like a jerk multiple times –and I feel a bit guilty because of that. The scent he left on the sheets keep reminding me about that, and so I decide to wash them the next day and sleep in the guest room once again.

I wake up early in the morning, feeling a lot more rested than in the last few days. It helps that my biggest stress is now gone and I can actually move forward. For once too, my stomach growls as soon as I put my feet on the floor, and so I decide to have breakfast at my place instead of picking up something at the catering tent and ending up too nervous to eat anything.

I quickly shower and get dressed, gather the stuff I’ll need for the day and leave the house with a smile. I haven’t felt this carefree for a long time. I actually smile when I get in the car, turn on the radio and crank up the volume. The sun is already shining bright, like it’s acknowledging that this day is my own rebirth.

When I get on set, I almost run to my trailer. I take a breath before opening the door. Josh is sitting on the couch, running over his lines, wearing a white t-shirt and tight jeans. When I come in and close the door, he looks up. As soon as his gaze meets mine, happy tears start flowing from my eyes. He gets up and walks to me, stopping right in front of me.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks softly.

I nod vigorously, wiping the tears and looking at him straight in the eyes.

“Can I hug you?” I ask shyly.

He grins and invites me. I throw myself in his strong arms, crossing mine around his waist, savouring his warmth and the delicate tickle of his breath on my skin. He rubs my back delicately, sending shivers all the way down my spine. I turn my face to his neck to breathe his skin. He pulls away slightly to look at me. I flash him a huge smile that he returns eagerly. He presses his forehead on mine and sighs.

“Is this real?” he asks in a murmur.

“Yes,” I whisper back.

“You really broke up with him, I didn’t dream that?”

“Nope, you didn’t.”

“Come here. We still have some time before we have to be on set.”

He takes my hand and leads me to the couch, where he crashes soundly. I sit next to him, snuggling on his side.

“I missed that so much,” I say, running my hand on his chest.

He takes my hand, turns his head to me and smiles.

“How did it go?”

“Relatively well, I guess, given the circumstances.”

I tell him how Nick was pleading at first to save our relationship, then how he got mad, figured out I had feelings for him, then proceeded to insult him once again. He sighs, drops a light kiss on the top of my head and tightens his hold on me.

“And here I am, completely free,” I say, rubbing his thumb with my own. “Free to start a new life. At first, I was a bit sad and empty, but I realized it was the end of the road for us. Now I was free to take another path to find my own happiness.”

“And where’s my place in this?” he whispers near my ear.

“Anywhere you want to be,” I reply, bringing my face as close to him as I can.

“Like here?” he says softly, lightly brushing his lips on mine.

“Yes,” I answer, returning the kiss more passionately.

He drops his hand from my shoulder to my hip, lightly rubbing my back on his way to my lower half. I bring the hand that was resting on his chest up to his shoulder while I gently take his lower lip in between mine and suck lightly. I feel him delicately caressing my thigh, from my knee all the way up to my hip. Now that he’s holding me strongly, I move to straddle his hips and bring my body as close to his as I can. The sensations are overwhelming, and I whimper as he gently runs his hands all over my ass. I move my mouth to his square jaw and trail kisses all the way up to his earlobe. He starts running his hands up my back, making a current of pleasure shoot through my body and mind. In that second, I wonder how I could have lived without this for so long. How I could have resisted him for so long. I gently suck on the skin just below his ear, making him moan slightly, before whispering in his ear.

“I love you, Josh.”

I pull away just a little bit, just enough so I can see his face and show him my smile. I cross my arms around his neck and lightly kiss him on the lips.

“I love you too,” he breathes, before seizing my lips again.

Suddenly, I hear the door of the trailer open. I jump out of Josh’s lap in a second and turn around. Andre is standing in the doorframe, holding Driver’s leash and shaking his head with an annoyed expression.

“Josh? May I talk to you for a minute? In private?”

He looks at me with a sad smile.

“Yeah, sure.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Josh’s POV**

"Are you crazy?”

“I’m not gonna marry her tomorrow, Andre,” I sigh. “We were just kissing. No big deal.”

“No big deal? Who’s gonna pick you up when she breaks your heart once again? She’s using you! She’s been using you all along! And now, you’re gonna let her use you as a rebound?”

I look away. Andre brought me to the side of the trailer, away from prying eyes and ears, to scold me thoroughly. Last night, I told him that Jennifer had finally broken up with Nick. He was mad to know that I’d reconsidered my decision of ignoring her from now on to instead wait to see how she would act around me and how far she was willing to go. The feelings I had been trying to hide deep within myself in the hopes of finally moving on had come back in full force, and I had to admit I was so happy that she was finally free and there was hope for us that I couldn’t keep my walls up any longer. Andre hadn’t approved of that though, and it was even more obvious when he caught us making out in the trailer this morning.

“I know what I’m doing...” I say in a low voice.

“Yeah, right. And you think she won’t fall back in his arms when they film that damn _X-Men_ movie? You’re delusional, Josh. They have history. They’ll always be drawn to each other. Right now, she’s mad at him because he acted up, but a few months from now, when she has time to really miss him, and he stops acting like a jerk and she spends all her free time with him, her feelings will come back. And you’ll be screwed. And you’ll run back to me and your other friends to find a shoulder to cry on.”

I give him a hard look. He keeps on speaking, but in a gentler tone.

 “We’ll be there for you, Josh. But I’d rather you avoid the heartbreak entirely, you know.”

“She says she loves me,” I try to plead, unconvincingly. I have to admit that I’ve doubted the possibility of her actually having feelings for me from the beginning, so Andre’s words are making sense.

“I’m not saying she doesn’t. Just that in a few months time, she may reconsider her decision and you’ll be the hurt one in the equation. Just... don’t rush things, okay? Let her pine after you for a little bit. You’ll see if her feelings are genuine.”

That would be a good compromise, if I could actually hold back when I’m with her. I nod anyway.

“Alright. Thanks for the advice, Andre.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Now, can you please leave us some time alone before we go on set? I have some private things to discuss with Jen.”

“Sure. Want a coffee?”

“Of course!”

He winks at me and quickly heads towards the catering tent. I walk up the stairs, open the door and find Jennifer standing next to the table and ready to leave.

“Wait,” I say, grabbing her arm softly so she can’t go away. “We have to talk. It won’t be long.”

She sighs and reluctantly sits at the table. I take the chair next to her and start rubbing the back of her hand.

“He forbade you from dating me?” she says, visibly half-jokingly.

“Not quite!”

We both chuckle. She looks down, like she was trying to hide her sad face, but I lean down in front of her to catch a glimpse of her lovely blue eyes.

“Actually, he wasn’t very happy to see us making out so soon after you broke up, and I think he was right,” I add in a soft voice.” I don’t want to be your rebound, Jen. You know I love you. I’d rather leave you alone than be the rebound you’ll get rid of when you’re ready to move on.”

“You know I love you too, right?” She finally looks up, her face looking more determined.

“Well, to be honest, that’s what you think right now, but we both know it may change down the road. Not too long ago, you were still confused about the way you liked Nick and me. So I just want us to take our time. I’d very much like to be in a serious relationship with you one day, Jen. But I don’t want us to rush and consume it too fast. You understand what I mean?”

I cringe. I usually am not one for waiting around the bush when it comes to having sex with the girls I like, but somehow, Jen is different. I really want to make it work this time, and so I’m ready to go slowly rather than rushing through the steps and burning myself.

“Yeah. You’re right,” she admits, her gaze focusing on the gentle motion of my thumb over the skin of her hand. “I know I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now. And I don’t want to just fool around with you either, I love you too much for that. I’m okay with waiting a little bit.”

“Good. But you know, I don’t mind us cuddling and getting close.” I smile.

“That’s nice to know, cause I was gonna miss it like crazy.”

“Oh yeah?” I say with a teasing wink.

She grins at me and intertwines our fingers on the table. She gets up, lifting me up by the hand at the same time, and brings me to her for a warm hug.

“I’m all about hugs too, is it okay for you?” she whispers in my ear.

“Yes, it’s alright,” I reply. When I pull back, I keep my head close to hers and lightly kiss her cheek.

“Do you think I’m going too far if I kiss your cheek?” I ask.

“I’d say it’s okay. What about pecs?” she says in a seductive voice.

“I’m all for that too,” I respond, bringing my lips to her for a chaste kiss that still lingers a little too long. “Let’s go, or we’ll be late. Do you still want us to leave separately?”

“Yes. We can’t afford to have rumors out right now. Even more given the fact that I don’t know what Nick is going to say.”

“You haven’t called your publicist? “ I ask with wide eyes.

“Oh shit, I totally forgot. I should do that as soon as possible, right? If the news that I’m single actually comes out, the press will be all over me trying to match me with all Hollywood hunks.”

“Except me.” I remind her instantly, quickly regretting how pathetic I must sound.

“Mostly you!” she exclaims. “We’re co-stars of one of the most successful franchises of our time! Of course they’d match us together!”

“We’re not going back about it...” I trail off, stroking her cheek while resisting the urge to kiss her again.

“Okay, let’s forget it,” she smiles. “But we still can’t be seen together. Not as long as the news that I’m not with Nick anymore is still a secret.”

“Alright. Go ahead, I’ll follow you.”

She smiles, blows me a kiss and disappears outside of the trailer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I have to hold back from getting too close to Jen all day long. I think she feels the same way, because she keeps looking at me with a longing expression and touches me any chance she gets. Francis seems to have noticed we get along better than in the last few days as he’s constantly smiling at us.

Today, we’re filming Capitol scenes inside a hotel. The place has been turned into the Training Center penthouse and Jennifer and I appear on screen together most of the time. While we’re sitting on a couch, waiting for the crew to be ready for the next take, she leans towards me and whispers in my ear.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I’ve got nothing planned, why?” I answer in a low voice. “Do you have some ideas?”

“I don’t know...” she feigns thinking deeply. “What about hanging out at my place, watching silly TV shows, cuddling on my couch...”

“Hmm, that sounds interesting. Do you provide the food?”

She answers with a wink.

“Okay. That’s great actually, I didn’t feel like having another lecture about the dangers of dating you tonight.”

“Oh yeah? Dating me is dangerous?” she smiles.

“Very dangerous.”

I look around and realize that nobody is paying attention to us, so I lightly take her hand and place a delicate kiss right below her ear. I straighten up right away so that we don’t get caught. She stares at me with a huge grin.

“I can’t wait to wrap up for the day,” she winks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“You better be hungry, cause that pizza is begging to be eaten.”

I smile at her, dropping my coat on an armchair.

“I’m starving. You better have good taste, otherwise I’m not sure I’ll ever come back.”

“Oh yeah? So the pressure is on me then?”

I join her in the kitchen, where she’s cutting pieces of the pizza and placing them onto two plates. The smell makes me over-salivate, and my stomach starts to growl in anticipation. I silently hug her from behind, making her jump slightly. As I press my chest harder against her back and gently squeeze her waist with my arms, she turns her face towards me and lets out a quiet moan. I dare peck her lips lightly, but she increases the pressure and lingers a little longer than necessary. I fight with myself not to open up to her any more. She throws the pizza cutter inside the box and puts her hands on mine, delicately stroking my fingers. I finally give up and open my mouth to her. I let her tongue caress mine softly, before breaking up the kiss to brush her neck with my lips. She moans as I trail kisses all the way up to her earlobe. As I lick and suck on her sensitive skin, behind her ear as to not leave visible marks that would make people wonder, she whispers my name.

“Oh, Josh...”

“Do you like it?” I murmur.

As a response, she turns around in my arms and wraps her arms around my neck, leaning lightly against the table and locking her gaze with mine. I gently stroke her back and bring my forehead down to hers, suddenly overwhelmed by the tension between us.

“I love it,” she finally says.

“Are we going too far?” I ponder.

“I’m ready for you, Josh,” she whispers. “I’ve been for a long time.”

I sigh, placing one last gentle kiss on her waiting lips, before removing my hands slowly from around her waist.

“I still want us to take our time,” I finally say reluctantly. “I want this, us, to matter.”

“I understand.”

She looks a bit disappointed. I smile at her fondly.

“But I don’t regret what we just did. What we’re likely to do tonight either.”

“Alright. Can you pour us two glasses of wine?”

“Wine and pizza? Doesn’t it go better with beer or something?” I ask, smiling.

“What do you want me to say, I’m a high maintenance gal.”

“Lucky you paid for the food tonight, you’re gonna make me broke! I mean, you’re making five times my salary,” I joke, taking the bottle of red wine from the cellar.

“Jealous much, Hutch?”

I turn to her, picking the glasses from the cupboard and smiling.

“Not at all. I don’t want the weight of that franchise on my shoulders. You deserve all the money and praise you get for these movies.”

“You know that people are sensitive to your character in particular, right? I’d say they would react much harder to you fucking up than me.”

“Maybe.”

I open the bottle, pour our first glasses and take them to the living room. Jen brings the pizza box on the coffee table, and goes back to fetch the plates. I sit on the couch and wait for her to come back. She puts my plate on the table and I hand her a glass of wine. She takes it with a smile, sits on the couch next to me and we knock our glasses together.

“To us,” she whispers with a loving smile.

“To the start of something good,” I add.

We both take a large gulp, and then she puts her glass on the side table and brings herself closer to me. I put my own glass on the opposite table to welcome her in my arms. She drops her head on my chest and sighs.

“I’m not that hungry, after all,” I laugh.

She lifts her head to look at me, eyes the plate I can’t reach while she’s resting in my arms, and bursts out laughing.

“I don’t believe you!”

“Hey, you’re keeping me from eating, I’m just trying to see the perks!”

“Come on, man, let’s fill that belly of yours,” she says, lightly tapping my stomach.

She lifts herself up to stand straighter, takes my plate from the table and hands it to me. She then picks up the remote and starts flipping through the channels.

“Oh, it’s _Here Comes Honey Boo Boo_!” she exclaims.

“Why am I not surprised that you watch this shit?” I say, lifting an eyebrow in false mockery.

“Because you know me better than most people. Even better than Nick, in most ways.”

“Really?”

She nods and takes a bite out of her pizza. I do the same; it’s been waiting there way too long for my taste. She was right, it’s amazingly good. Maybe it’s because I’ve been stuck with the training diet and couldn’t have pizza for so long that it feels even more heavenly in my mouth.

Jen turns her attention to the TV screen and I do the same, but I can’t help but wonder why she compared me to Nick in such a flattering way. How could I know her better than her boyfriend of more than two years?

I look at her profile in awe. Her wavy brown hair cascading on her shoulders. Her sparkly eyes, staring at the TV. Her plump lips, standing out even from the side. She notices I’m checking her out and turns her head to face me with a questioning expression.

“What?” she says, her mouth full of pizza.

“You’re beautiful.”

She smiles and swallows her bite.

“Thank you. You’re not too bad yourself.”

I look down. I almost tell her to go fetch her glasses as she must not see me well if she thinks I’m pretty next to her gorgeous self. But I don’t. Those are my own self-esteem issues. She would try to convince me that I’m not an ugly, pocket-sized tool. I don’t want to ruin the mood.

“Thank you,” I simply say.

I quickly devour my pizza and help myself to another serving. Jen does the same, humming her appreciation with quiet moans. She’s definitely a show to watch in her own right when she’s eating.

I gulp down my glass of wine and get up to bring the bottle back in the kitchen and fetch a new one. When I come back, Jen is holding her glass up for me to fill. I smile and take a large gulp directly from the bottle.

“Hey, keep some for me!” she whines.

“Oh yeah?” I reply, bending over to bring my face closer to hers. I put the bottle behind my back so she can’t take it from me. She rests her hands on my arms and runs them up all the way to my neck, bringing me even closer to her. Our lips brush against each other’s.

“Give me some, Josh,” she whispers.

“Alright.”

I peck her lips and straighten up, pouring the red liquid in her lifted glass. I fill mine and place the bottle on the table. I feel Jen’s gaze on me.

“Why are you looking at me like this?” I ask, surprised.

“I like watching you. You’re so pretty.”

That must be the alcohol talking, but I still decide to savour the moment.

“ It’s true!” she adds, probably sensing my disbelief. “Your puppy eyes, your crooked smile, the muscles you can’t hide under your t-shirt... you’re gorgeous, Josh.”

I sit back on the couch and lean to kiss her softly.

“I love you.”

So much for letting her pine after me. She grins and kisses me back.

“I love you too.”

As she snuggles back into my side, I think of our conversation this afternoon about her forgotten call to her publicist.

“What did Liz say about your break-up with Nick?” I ask, running a hand on the soft skin of her arm.

“Oh shit, I forgot to call her! Wait a minute, I’ll do it now. She’ll be pissed off at me if Nick did something to leak it to the press before she knew about it.”

Somehow, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the case and he’d done it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

 

I don’t know what made me the most happy: having my best friend back or being able to experience the first tentative steps of a romantic relationship with him. Either way, I felt better than I had in a long time. It didn’t matter that he wanted to take things slow; I agreed with him anyway. After the disaster that was the end of my two-year relationship with Nick, I wasn’t ready to rush back into another one and experience failure again. The fact that Josh was involved made it even more important, as I didn’t want to risk losing him any time soon.

My Josh, my best friend, the man I loved. How could I have been so blind for so long?

I was a bit self-conscious when Andre caught us making out this morning, but the feeling left pretty quickly when I recalled the feeling of Josh’s lips on mine. Now that I was single, the guilt I had felt when we had kissed prior was completely absent. Instead, I could finally enjoy Josh’s kisses to the fullest. I already knew he was an amazing kisser thanks to the multiple takes we had to film before getting the infamous cave scene right in the first movie – Gary thought we were being too passionate, since it was Katniss’ first kiss and she was supposed to be pretending to love Peeta; Josh and I had played it at first as two horny teenagers attracted to each other, mouths opened and hands all over our bodies – but this was even more awesome.

And so I agreed to his suggestion to take our time with a bit of disappointment. It quickly became clear that we couldn’t keep our hands – and mouths! – away from each other for too long though.

It was torture on set, being so close to him yet barely being able to feel his skin on mine, but fortunately, he agreed to my informal dinner date and I knew we would have a good time.

When he arrived, I only wanted to kiss him. I tried to hold back, but he got so close to me, it was impossible. And so I figured the current boundary of our relationship was set at making out. That was enough for me for now; I couldn’t even imagine getting so much affection from him after making him feel so betrayed earlier.

I’m surprised to be able to move on from Nick so easily, but then again, looking back, it was clear that my heart hadn’t been in this relationship anymore for a relatively long time. Making it official changed nothing to my feelings.

I wipe my fingers on a napkin and grab my phone to call my publicist. Josh is staring at me, curiosity tinting his features.

“Liz?” I ask as she picks up. “It’s Jennifer Lawrence. Am I disturbing you?”

“No, of course not. What’s up, Jennifer?”

“I broke up with my boyfriend last night.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m perfectly alright with my decision,” I say, sharing a knowing look with Josh. “I’m just letting you know in case Nick leaks it to the press or something. I don’t know what would be the best for now; my instinct is telling me to keep it quiet so I’m not bothered by the press about my love life.”

“You’re right. It’s best to hide it as long as possible.”

There’s a heavy silence on the line. I frown.

“Sorry for asking,” she adds shyly, “but I need to know something just in case we have to do damage control. Is there another man in your life?”

I bite my lip. Josh and I aren’t officially together, but we’re so close to being an actual couple, I guess you could consider us as such.

“Yes.”

“May I ask who it is?”

“It’s nothing really official...” I drag.

“Who, Jen? I’m not judging you, I just need to know who I have to work with.”

I sigh.

“Josh Hutcherson.”

“Ooooh, congratulations!”

I burst out laughing.

“Well, thank you?”

“See, I knew I needed to know that. Make sure to be especially discreet. You know what will happen if news of your relationship gets in the press. You’ll be accused of having a PR relationship to promote the movie. That wouldn’t be good for your image, nor Josh’s for the matter.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve already talked about that. We’ll be careful.”

“Good. Now enjoy your night with your man and make sure to tell me as soon as possible if there’s anything else. You already took a big risk by waiting a whole day before telling me.”

I nod, and Josh mouths “she can’t see you!” to make me see how stupid it is. I hide a chuckle.

“I know. I totally forgot to call you. I’m not used to that kind of thing yet.”

“I know. Well, good night Jennifer.”

“Good night Liz. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

I end the call and turn to Josh, who’s just done with his pizza.

“I had to tell her about us, just in case,” I defend myself.

“I know. It’s okay. There are some people we won’t really have a choice to tell.”

I nod. Josh takes his glass of wine and lifts it to his mouth. As I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down to the rhythm of his gulps, I’m mesmerized. Suddenly, the pizza goes back to the far end of my mind, and I have to fight the urge to close the space between us and cover his throat with burning kisses. He turns towards me and takes in my horny gaze. He seems confused at first, but then a little smile replaces his mixed expression.

“I thought you were game to eat the whole pizza all by yourself,” he says with a wink.

“I would, if there wasn’t a distraction next to me!”

“Oh yeah? What’s distracting you?” he growls.

“I don’t know... maybe...”

I slide closer to him and rest my hand on his chest. I feel him take a deep breath as I run my hand on his t-shirt, all the way up to his neck. I plunge my eyes into his and I bring my face impossibly closer to his own. His breath delicately caresses my lips like a light breeze. I bring my other hand around his neck and press my lips firmly against his mouth. We kiss slowly at first, savouring the sweet taste and soft texture of each other’s lips, but then the kiss gets more urgent, and Josh slides his arms around my waist to pull me even closer to him. I let out a soft moan as his hands move lower to cup my ass. I open my mouth to let him in, and he doesn’t miss the invitation. I feel his soft tongue stroke mine and a burst of arousal goes through me. I rub his shoulders lightly and let my hands feel his chest all the way down to his waist. I slip my hands underneath his t-shirt to feel his hard abs and the slight patch of hair that covers his torso.

As I feel his own hands move the fabric of my tank top away from my skin, the contact of his fingers on my bare spine makes me shiver in pleasure. He finally pulls away from my lips, his heart beating furiously under my hand.

“You,” I breathe heavily, letting my forehead rest on his.

“How did we manage to hold back all this time?” he whispers, trailing kisses along the side of my jaw.

“I don’t know,” I reply, tugging on his shirt to ask him silently to remove it. He gets the message, quickly taking the shirt off and placing another hot kiss on my waiting lips. I lift my leg over his thigh to straddle him. He grips my hips to bring me closer and sighs when I bring my mouth to the nape of his neck to lick and kiss his warm skin. His hands lightly graze my back, crawling slowly to my bra. He places a kiss on the side of my head, the only part of my body he can actually reach with his mouth with the way I’m ravishing his neck area.

I lift my head to look at him. His eyes are glassy with lust, but I sense some uncertainty tainting them.

“Is it okay if I...” he starts, his fingers ghosting the underside of my bra.

I nod, bringing one of my hands to rest on his cheek. In this moment, he’s looking so adorable and sexy, I don’t know how I’ll be able to stop before we go all the way and betray the promise we made to each other to wait before letting our passion consume us. I sense it may be time to actually stop, but I feel so good with his arms around me, his whole body pressed against mine and his mouth setting my skin on fire, that I don’t want this moment to end.

I let my hand travel to his blond hair and stroke it. He brings his mouth to mine again, gently tucking my lower lip in between his. The sensation shoots directly to my center that’s starting to throb with desire. I can feel his erection pressing against me, begging to be released, and I moan at the thought of the effect I’m having on him.

I can’t help but compare the experience to what I had with Nick. This is definitely a different kind of passion, one I’ve never ever felt before.

As Josh’s hand creeps underneath the fabric of my bra to gently caress my breast, I lean down and kiss him hard.

“You’re making me so wet, Josh,” I murmur near his mouth. “I don’t want to stop...”

“Neither do I,” he replies in a husky voice, peppering my throat with hot kisses that make me melt under his touch.

“Let’s do it,” I say.

Then, as if he just realized what we were doing, he pulls away, lets his hands slide off my body, sighs and looks down.

“No. It’s too early, and we’re drunk, Jen. I told you. I want it to be meaningful.”

“I know,” I say, a bit disappointed. I peck his lips and get off his lap, trying to regain control of my heaving breath.

“That was amazing though,” he whispers, turning his head to me.

“Yeah, it was.” I sigh, lying down on his shirtless torso. He gently takes my hand and kisses the top of my head.

I look down and see the bulge in his pants. I smile and look up at him.

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of this?” I say, motioning to it with my head. He grins and shakes his head.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not sure it’s a step we should be crossing tonight. It’ll go away.”

“Really?” I think about Nick, who would always pressure me into relieving him when he got aroused too much, even when my sex drive wasn’t very high and I wasn’t in the mood for that.

“Yes! To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve had to deal with a boner while I’m in your presence, miss.”

“Does it happen often?” I ask, curiously.

“It used to be too often for my taste. But I don’t know why, these days, I don’t mind it quite as much!”

I smile at him and hug him. Even sitting down, he still gives the best hugs in the world.

“Come on,“ he says with a wink. “Let’s see if there’s another shitty show we could watch together before I go home.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

This time, Josh and I don’t fall asleep on the couch. When he feels it’s time to go, I remember the alcohol he drank earlier in the night and I worry that he may still not be fit to drive at this point. When I bite my lip and tell him that, he sighs and admits I’m probably right.

“You could stay again for the night.”

“Alright. That’s the most responsible thing I guess.”

I lead him to the bedrooms and stop in front of the guest’s. As he walks through the entrance, I tug on his arm for him to look at me.

“You could stay with me,” I suggest shyly. “I’d sleep well with you beside me.”

He thinks for a few seconds, then a small smile lights up his face.

“Okay. It’s not like we intend to have sex or anything anyway,” he reasons.

“Yeah. Nothing more than cuddling.”

“Alright. Let’s get ready.”

After a stop by the bathroom to clean our mouths – since Josh doesn’t have a toothbrush here, he settles for the exceptional mouthwash instead – we head to my bedroom. Josh takes his clothes off first, only keeping his boxers on. I can’t help but check him out. I didn’t pay enough attention to his chest while we were making out earlier in the night. His broad shoulders highlight the higher part of his body, with his abs standing out below the chest hair I so enjoyed stroking earlier. There’s a subtle but definite “V” line that shapes the lower part of his torso. He’s not overly sculpted, so he looks as cuddly as he feels. Like a teddy bear. He’s strong like a bear too. And he gives amazing bear hugs.

I think I’m gonna have fun calling him that when we’re serious enough to chose pet names.

I smile, thinking about the way our relationship is evolving. I like that we’re holding back a little. The sex is going to be even better if we wait for it. It’s obvious by the way we couldn’t keep our hands away from each other tonight that we won’t be able to wait much longer before giving in, but it doesn’t matter. And I can’t wait to lie down on my bed and feel Josh’s strong and warm body encase mine in a delicious embrace. I already have goosebumps just picturing it in my head.

I grab Josh’s hand to lead him to my room. I open one of my drawers to fetch a nightgown.

“I can leave if you-“

“No. I’m seeing you almost naked, it’s only fair that you see me too. Anyway, it’s just a matter of time, right?”

I see him swallow thickly.

“Right.”

I start by taking away my tank top, revealing the black bra that he had brushed earlier. Then, I unbutton my pants, zip them down and remove them, effectively standing before him in only my underwear. My eyes flit naturally to his groin area, and I can easily make out the outline of his cock straining the fabric of his boxers, swelling progressively the more clothes I take off. He smiles at me in appreciation.

“You’re turning me on, now,” he whispers, closing the distance between us.

“I know,” I smile, lacing my fingers with his and pecking his lips. “But we agreed, no sex tonight.”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighs.

“You sound like a lost puppy!”

“I don’t!”

“You’re my lost puppy,” I murmur, crossing my arms around his neck to bring him in for a kiss. The sensation of our bodies colliding, skin on skin, is overwhelming. I pull back and start unfastening the latches of my bra. The moonlight entering the room reflects directly in Josh’s eyes, revealing the heavy desire that pools in them. I hate to tease him like this, but at the same time, I enjoy immensely the effect I have on him. This is new territory for me, as I never really had the occasion to play the seductress with Nick.

I slowly remove my bra and wait for Josh’s reaction. He looks at my now bare breasts in awe, slides his arms around my waist to bring me closer and whispers in my ear.

“You’re stunning, Jen. Even better than in my wildest dreams. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen naked in my whole life.”

“And you must have seen a lot in your 20 years of existence?” I ask mockingly.

“You’d be surprised.”

I look at him with incredulous eyes, before realizing that he wasn’t in a long-term relationship in the last two years. All that time, he probably banged random girls to satisfy his needs. The realization that he’s probably more experienced than me in bed - or at least, has exposed himself to more variety- suddenly hits me. It’s not enough to make me uncomfortable, just curious. But it’s a discussion for another time. We both know it’s late, we have a long day of shooting tomorrow and we’re playing with fire now.

My curious expression turns into a smile, and I put on the nightgown. Even though I don’t intend to do anything other than sleep tonight – and maybe share a few kisses along the way – I still chose a somewhat sexy piece of clothing. It’s a black satin nightgown with a row of delicate lace on top and a slit that goes all the way to my hips on the side. It hugs my curves precisely and it’s always made me feel attractive.

When I’m done slipping it on, Josh sighs.

“You’re beautiful. You’re so, so beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

I take his hand and lead him to the bed, pulling the covers away and lying down. He takes his place next to me and opens his arms to me. I press myself as close as I can, resting my head on his pillow, my forehead lightly touching his skin. I feel his warmth invade my whole body and sigh. Before I close my eyes, he gently pecks my lips.

“Good night, Jen. I love you.”

“Good night, Josh. I love you too.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the rating comes into play. This is my first time writing this kind of thing, so please keep your expectations low!

**Josh’s POV**

I wake up in a foreign bed, my chest pressing against a satin-covered back and my arm gently resting over someone’s flat stomach. I instantly remember what happened last night and how I came to stay in Jennifer’s bedroom. I picture her perfect body in my mind, her lovely curves begging to be caressed, the sight of the satin nightgown hugging her body, and her perfect breasts that I couldn’t wait to cherish thoroughly. I slide closer to her and start kissing and nibbling the space between her neck and collarbone. She turns around slowly to face me, her sleepy eyes barely opened in slits. She suddenly smiles. She must, like me, be remembering the events of last night.

“Good morning, beautiful,” I say, lightly pecking her lips.

“Good morning, handsome,” she replies, the sun rays invading the room making her half-opened eyes sparkle.

“I take it you had a good night of sleep?”

“I had a good night, period.”

“Me too.”

I lift myself up a little bit to let her wrap her arms around my neck.

“It feels so good to wake up beside you,” she sighs. “Last time, when we fell asleep on the couch, I was disappointed to have to go to bed without you.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” she says in a low voice.

I smile and take in her features. Even with her hair all over the place and her eyes still not fully opened, she’s pretty. I lean in to press my lips against hers and she returns the kiss with a passion I’m slowly getting accustomed to. I ghost my fingers over her thigh, all the way to her hip, lifting the fabric of her satin nightgown at the same time. I hit a different fabric on my way there and pull away, confused.

“You kept your panties on?” I ask with an amused smile.

“Totally forgot to take them off last night,” she answers with a chuckle. “I guess someone was distracting me with his dreamy body.”

“Oh, give me a break!”

“Nope, no break for you,” she answers, kissing me hard.

I feel like I’m living in a dream. That’s impossible, I can’t actually be right here in her bed, with her kissing me like I’m what she’s always dreamed of.

As we resume our tender kissing, we’re interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I sigh and reluctantly turn over to reach the damn phone on her night table.

“Must be Andre,” I mutter. “Should have texted him last night to let him know I wouldn’t come back to my place.”

I touch the button and struggle to place the phone against my ear to answer.

“Hello, Andre. You’re awfully early,” I say with a yawn.

“And you haven’t showed up here last night.”

“Well, you can guess where I am.”

I lie down on the pillow and close my eyes. Jennifer gets closer to me and draws circles on my bare chest, making my skin erupt in goosebumps. As she kisses a path from my throat to my jaw, I try to concentrate on what Andre’s telling me on the phone.

“Don’t tell me you slept with her already? What about taking your time?”

“What I do with her only matters to her and me, Andre,” I sigh. “Yes we slept together, but in the literal sense. We drank a little too much and it wasn’t wise for me to take my car, so I stayed for the night again. That’s it. Now, please, stop being over-protective and let me live my life the way I want to. I know my mom asked you to keep an eye on me, but I’m taking the entire responsibility for my actions.”

I pause and look at Jen’s confused face, gazing at me in the sunlight.

“And if it ends up badly, I’ll only blame myself and be mature enough to get over it,” I finish, still staring into Jen’s eyes. She flickers a little at what I said, but she quickly resumes her soft kissing my skin.

“Fine. But you should get your ass in here as soon as possible, you have to be on set in a couple of hours.”

“I know. I’ll be ready soon,” I lie. “Talk to you later.”

I end the call, drop the phone on the nightstand and turn to Jennifer, who is still slowly caressing my chest, her head resting in the crook of my neck.

“You’re gonna drive me crazy, you know that?” I whisper.

“Aren’t you already?” she says in a suggestive tone.

She has a point. I smile and turn a little bit to hover over her, lean down and kiss her again.

“As much as I’d like to stay in this bed all day long, we have to get up,” I say sadly. “We have to be on set in a couple of hours and I still have to stop by my place for showering and stuff.”

“Will you spend the night here again tonight?” she asks in a hopeful voice.

I stare at her lovely face and smile warmly.

“How could I refuse an invitation from you?”

“Then you should pack a bag with your stuff so you can stay here a little longer tomorrow morning.”

“Good idea. Now come on, get up. I wanna have breakfast with you here before I leave. Homemade food tastes better than the crap they serve us for breakfast at crafty.”

“If you cook, I’m in!”

I smile at her and lead her to the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

We have a hard time letting go of each other even though we know we’re about to spend the whole day together at work. When I get home, I expect Andre to scold me, but instead, he barely says a word, leaving for a walk with Driver almost as soon as I enter the house. I sense he’s a bit mad at me, but I figure he’ll come around eventually.

I quickly get prepared to leave for the set, but before I do, I take Jennifer’s advice and prepare my overnight bag. I make sure to pack a box of condoms in there, just in case. It might come in handy sooner than I think.

When Andre comes back from his walk, I take the wheel to drive us to set.

“I guess you’ll spend the night there tonight again?” he says, taking on a slightly annoyed tone.

I sigh.

“I’m sorry. If I’d known that it would happen-“

“No, it’s okay. I have a job to do anyway, right? You don’t pay me to hang out with you, you pay me to be your personal assistant on set.”

“Right. But it sucks that we’re on location and you don’t have friends here to pass the time while I’m with Jennifer. Maybe you could meet her friend Justine? You could become friends.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he says, looking out the window.

I don’t know what else to say. I really feel like I’m letting him down.

“I wish Ralf was here. At least you’d have him to spend time with.”

“Yeah. But we’re leaving for Hawaii in a month, he’ll be there then.”

Ralf Koch, my stunt double, is a very good friend of mine and Andre gets along pretty well with him too. He isn’t with us in Atlanta as there aren’t many stunts to perform for that part of the shoot. The bulk of it is in the arena scenes that we’ll film in Hawaii next month. There’s only one scene that we’ll film here in Atlanta that will involve a stunt for my character, and I’ll be performing it myself.

As I park the car, Andre looks at me with a small smile.

“I’m really happy for you Josh, that she’s finally noticing you and giving you what you deserve after pining after her for so long. I just really hope she won’t end up breaking your heart again.”

“She won’t. I’m pretty confident about that,” I say, remembering her smiling face when I woke her up in bed this morning. I can’t even imagine her dumping me with the strong pull we have for each other.

“I hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 

Today, we’re filming a sweet scene between Peeta and Katniss on the roof of the hotel. There’s another set built on that roof where they’ll film Katniss’ departure for the games along with Cinna later.

I get on set before Jennifer, as I barely spent any time in our trailer and sped through the hair and make-up and costumes stops. When I arrive, I quickly go to Francis and run over the scenes we’ll film today and note some directions as to the way I should prepare them. I’m still talking with him when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Jen looking at me with a sweet smile, so pretty in the orange shirt that I catch a glimpse of under her white robe, her dark hair lightly flowing in the wind. I return her smile and greet her by playfully hitting her arm. I’m trying my best to hide any sign of our new found intimacy, as I feel like I’m an open book in which everyone can read how close Jen and I have become. I sense Francis is suspecting something, but he doesn’t say anything, apart from greeting Jen and giving her her own set of directions for the scene. When he leaves, she turns to me and we can finally hug the way we’ve wanted to since she got here.

“Had a good night?” I ask with a wink.

She cracks up laughing.

“I had the best night in a long time,” she says. “I don’t know why.”

“It’s a funny coincidence; I also had the best night in a very, very long time.” I answer with a smile. I whisper close to her face, “must have had to do with the lovely lady with whom I was sharing a bed last night.”

“Oh yeah? She must have been nice to leave that impression on you.”

“She was the best.”

I look around to make sure no one is paying attention to us, before taking her hand and leading her to a resting spot in the corner of the roof that has our chairs. We sit next to each other and wait for our time to start shooting. Andre walks to us, a coffee tray with two cups in his hands. He gives me one and keeps the second one, before sitting next to me.

“Hi, Andre,” Jennifer says with a huge smile. “I hope you’re not mad I’m stealing your best friend from you these days.”

“Not really,” he answers with a smile. He leans towards her as if he wants to tell her a secret. She bends over me to get closer to him and listen.

“But you better be careful not to hurt him,” he adds with a too genuine scowl.

“Don’t worry. I will,” she replies, straightening herself back. My eyes flicker from Andre, to her, and I begin to laugh.

“What?” Jennifer asks me, lightly tapping my arm.

“Nothing.”

“Josh!”

“You’re pathetic. Both of you. But I like you that way.”

She shakes her head and looks ahead to Justine, who is walking our way, a tray of coffee in hand. She must have spotted Andre on the way from the catering tent and got the idea.

“Hi guys!” she says with a huge grin. She hands a coffee to Jennifer, who thanks her and takes a sip. I taste mine. It’s still a bit too hot for my liking.

I’m surprised to see Justine look back and forth between Jen and me, her face set in a curious expression, as if she knew we were more than friends and was trying to catch a hint in our behavior. I notice Jennifer blush and look down, and Justine’s face lights up in a huge smile. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“What?” I ask.

Jennifer leans to me to whisper in my ear.

“It’s okay, Josh. She knows.”

I lift an eyebrow at her before leaning in to reply in her ear.

“What do you mean, she knows?

“Who do you think I called first after I broke up with Nick? After you, I mean...”

“Oh, I see.”

I nod, before meeting Justine’s gaze.

“So, is it official?” she asks, her smile larger than ever.

“Not really,” I reply in a neutral voice.

Her smile is immediately replaced by a frown.

“Not really? Are you serious?”

She leans down to get her face closer to ours and speaks in a very low voice.

“You are obviously in love with each other, yet you won’t date? You’re both idiots!”

I burst out laughing while Jen tries to hide her own laughter behind her hands. Andre has stopped looking at us, completely discouraged by our behavior.

“It’s a bit more complicated,” Jen says, finally letting out a very vocal laugh. In a whisper, she adds, “We’re just taking our time, is all. You know why.”

“That sounds better,” Justine replies, taking a seat next to her friend.

Now, I’m really curious to know what they talked about, but I won’t bother Jen with that. She may tell me one day.

Justine timidly asks about Nick’s whereabouts, but Jen replies dryly that she doesn’t know where he went and she quickly drops the subject, seeing as it’s creating a heavy discomfort.

We all drink our coffees in silence. It’s still pretty early, the sun is barely shining in the sky, and the air is still cold. From the corner of my eye, I see Jen shiver a little bit despite the thick robe she wears over her costume. I wish I could take her in my arms and rub her arms with my hands, but I know I can’t do it right now as there are lots of people on this set who would be pretty happy to leak or sell the rumors that Jennifer and I are dating. That kind of embrace could give them ideas.

Justine notices her friend’s shivering and leaves to fetch a blanket. Jennifer still stares at the buildings surrounding us, lost in her thoughts, her gaze not even flickering to the coffee she’s downing, large gulps at a time.

“You really don’t know what he did after he left?” I ask her softly.

“No. I kicked him out the night I broke up. He took a cab for God knows where, probably a hotel in the area. Who knows, he might be staying here at the Marriott and I wouldn’t know.”

I nod and take her hand.

“And no news from Liz either? He didn’t try to retaliate by letting the media know, right?”

“Not as far as I know,” she says, gently stroking my hand. Everyone is so busy around here, they’re not paying attention to us at all. “But honestly, I expect him to make the move soon. He’ll want to move on and date other people too. And it’s not fair that I get to live my life the way I want to, and not him because he has to protect our image or some shit...”

“I know. But we can still keep our relationship a secret if the news that you’re broken up comes out. That’s our thing.”

“Yes, it is,” she says, turning her head towards me, a small smile creeping on her lips. How I wish I could kiss her in this moment... but it’s too risky.  She takes one last gulp of her coffee and closes her eyes.

Jen swiftly drops my hand as Justine comes back with the blanket. She hands her empty coffee cup to her and tucks the material around herself, sighing. I smile at her and decide to take advantage of the blanket covering most of her body. I sneak my hand discreetly underneath the blanket and rest it on Jen’s thigh, lightly stroking it. She covers it with her own hand and traces patterns on my cold skin with her fingers, making a spark light up my whole body. I take a hold of the edge of her robe and slowly push it aside to slide my hand underneath and get closer to her skin. I feel the leggings she’s wearing and start caressing her inner thigh, as close to her center as I can get. Even through the thin layer of fabric that separates us, I can feel her goosebumps. She lets out a quiet sigh, which tells me that she’s actually enjoying my ministrations. She covers my hand with hers back, trying to keep a neutral stare, but I can see the pleasure in her eyes. I stare at her profile for a while, willing her silently to look at me. She eventually does, while entwining her fingers through mine at the same time. We stare at each other for a while.

“It’s gonna be okay,” I whisper with a light smile.

“Yes, it will,” she sighs, tightening her grasp on my hand underneath the blanket.

 

* * *

 

 

I end up hanging out almost every night at Jennifer’s place for the next two weeks. I feel a bit guilty to spend so little time with Andre and Driver, but I’m drawn to Jen like a magnet and so blinded by my love for her that I feel the need to be with her as much as possible. I know in a few weeks time, we’ll wrap up filming for good and we’ll go back home. And when we do, it may never be the same, so I’d rather enjoy it while it lasts. We still haven’t decided to make it official, nor have we agreed to really take our relationship seriously yet. We’ve kissed a lot, I’ve slept almost every night in her bed and it’s gotten a lot tougher to hold back from making the last step and actually having sex, but where we stand towards one another isn’t totally clear.

This morning, we’re getting ready to start filming one of the most spectacular scenes of the movie. The set has moved to the Atlanta Motor Speedway, where the crew has built the foundations of the City Center of the Capitol. For the occasion, Jennifer and I will spend the day standing in a chariot pulled by horses over a straight line and acting Katniss and Peeta’s presentation to a crowd consisting of hundreds of extras playing Capitol citizens. As I put my costume on, I recall the way Jen looked in hers when we tried them out before shooting began. She was already stunning. I can’t wait to see her all dressed up, with the matching make-up and hairstyle.

I reach the set before her and settle to talk with Francis about his vision of the scene. He explains to me all the stuff that will be added later on with CGI effects, even showing me some sketches depicting the future design, so that I have an idea what to imagine when I pretend I’m actually in front of President Snow and I’m being shown, along with Katniss and the other tributes, to the Panem crowd.

“May I see it?” a voice I recognize instantly says over my shoulder. I turn around and take her in. She’s even more gorgeous than I expected, with her tight sleeveless shiny dress that showcases her nice boobs, her silky hair flowing in waves over her shoulders, and the stunning eye makeup job she’s had to highlight her magnificent eyes even more. I find myself salivating and have to make an effort to keep my mouth from staying open in awe.

I don’t say a word as Francis shows her the sketches. When he’s done, he leaves us alone to go talk to the other actors and Jen turns to me.

“Josh, you look amazing!”

“Not as much as you,” I say with a wink.

She leans in to speak in my ear, making a shiver run through my spine.

“I don’t know how you feel about me, but you’re making me want to jump your bones right fucking now.”

I smile and turn to whisper my answer to her ear.

“And you’re making me grow hard by the second.”

She smiles and shakes her head. She takes my hand and leads me to Sam and Jena, who just arrived.

“Well, I’m not impressed, Claflin,” Jen teases Sam with a wink. “You were supposed to show a lot more skin than that...”

He’s wearing a simple fishnet tied around his waist, but it’s hanging rather high on his body and the knots are tied closely together so we barely see any skin except for the upper part of his body.

“Not my choice! I worked so hard for that body, eating chicken and asparagus all the time and working out like crazy with this sucker,” he says, pointing me,”you’d think they’d be proud to show my perfect body on screen!”

“You would have been too sexy for the screen,” I say with a laugh.

Jen is still holding my hand. I don’t know if she’s doing it on purpose or she just forgot to let it go. We’ve gotten so close in the last few days that we’re getting more and more used to intimate gestures like this. Seeing as there’s no one there yet except for a few crew members and some actors, I let her. If there were any people susceptible to leak out our secret, I’d act differently though. She absolutely doesn’t need to be linked romantically to me; it wouldn’t be good for her career.

We eventually have to take our place in the chariot and film dozens of takes of the scene. With the sun shining bright over us, it’s a bit exhausting, but I hang on, and take advantage of it to enjoy Jen’s company and the costume she’s wearing. As the lunch break approaches, the urge to kiss her gets more and more insistent, and I sense she feels the same way as she keeps caressing my hand and getting closer to me any chance she gets between takes. When Francis calls the lunch break, we head to the costume trailer to change into our own clothes, so that we’re more comfortable. Before we can go in, Jen grabs my hand and leads me behind the trailer, away from prying eyes. She wraps her arms around my waist and pulls me to her, giggling before pressing her lips strongly against mine. I quickly return the kiss, opening my mouth wide enough for her to get the invitation. She traces circles on my back with her hands and I let my tongue battle with hers. I press her body against the side of the trailer and moan into her mouth. I pull away for a second so we can breathe and drop my forehead against hers.

“I’ve been waiting for this all morning,” I sigh.

“Me too. You’re so hot, Josh. You have no idea.”

I smile, before wrapping my lips around hers once again. This time, she can’t hide her moans as I run my hands all over her body, from her neck to her ass cheeks that the skirt part of the costume is covering so perfectly. I’ll never have enough of her. I drop one last kiss on her mouth and whisper.

“Let’s go change and meet in our trailer.”

“Alright.”

 

* * *

 

 

I quickly take off my costume and put back on some jeans and my black Deth Killers t-shirt. I quickly stop by the catering tent to pick up my lunch, before rushing to the trailer. I find Andre sitting at the table, eating the last few bites of his sandwich. He frowns when he notices my flushed expression.

“What’s wrong, man?” he asks.

“Do you mind leaving us some privacy for the next hour?” I ask, putting my lunch on the table.

“Hmmmm...” He swallows his last piece of sandwich. “I’m not sure if I should...”

“Come on, Andre... please?”

“Alright. But I don’t wanna know what’s going on in here. I’ll go back on set, you’ll meet me there when you’re done with your little lunch date.”

“Thank you!”

He shakes his head.

“It’s better be good. I’m not picking you up this time, alright?”

“Sure.”

He winks at me, tosses his garbage and leaves the trailer without another word. I lean my arm on the side of the cupboard, drop my head on it and take a deep breath. A few seconds later, I hear the door of the trailer open and close right away, and then the characteristic clicking sound of the lock being put into place. I barely have time to turn around to take her in that she’s wrapping her arms around my neck and taking me for a long, hard kiss. As our mouths collide repeatedly, I gently push her towards the bed that’s sitting in my room, at the end of the trailer.

Sharing a bed in a trailer while filming is nothing new for us. Back when we filmed the first movie, we’d take naps on each other’s bed – granted, not cuddling as much as we do now, but in the same bed anyway.

What we’re about to do is a whole new experience though, and I can’t help feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing.

The large single bed is coming handy right now, as the back of her knees finally hit the mattress and she crashes on it, pulling me on top of her at the same time. I don’t even need to ask her if this time is the right one, but I figure I should do it anyway.

“Now?” I ask, trying to slow down my heart rate a little bit.

“Yes, I can’t hold on anymore.” She whispers, out of breath.

“Neither can I,” I reply in a murmur.

I stroke her hair out of her face and place a light kiss on her lips.

“Andre isn’t gonna interrupt us?”

“No. He’s been warned,” I say with a smile.

She slides all the way to the headboard and I crawl up to her. She tugs on my t-shirt and I quickly take it off. As I lean down to place a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses on her collarbone, I feel her fumble with my belt and unzip my jeans. I breathe in her skin, that has a fruity perfume that’s driving me crazy. I’m overwhelmed by the anticipation, but I try to focus on the pleasure I’m giving her instead of the one she’s giving me as she gently massages my scalp.

“You’re totally ruining my hairstyle for the shoot, you know that?” I tease her.

“I don’t give a shit,” she chuckles. “I love playing with your hair way too much. Too bad, they’ll do it again.”

“You’re so unprofessional.”

“Well, it takes two to tango.”

I smile at her and pull back to remove my pants, while she takes off her black shirt, finally exposing her rounded breasts to me. I lean back down on her chest and lightly kiss every inch of skin I can get to. When I reach her breasts, I close my mouth around her right nipple and lick circles around it, while I palm her left breast in my hand and gently caress the nipple repeatedly with my thumb. She gasps and keeps running her hand through my hair, her other one running up and down my back. I can feel the throbbing sensation in my cock and can’t wait to release it, but I want to take my time as much as possible. Taking care of my dick right now would be too tempting to get this over with, which I don’t want. I’m finally realizing this dream I’ve had for almost two years, I’m gonna make the most of it.

“Josh, come here,” she says in a hoarse voice.

I look up at her and crawl back to her face. She cradles my head and kisses me hard. I keep running my hands all over her body, until I hit the fabric of her pants. I break the kiss so that she opens her eyes to look at me, and ask her silently if she can take her pants off. She lifts her lower body from the bed and tugs on her pants to get them out of the way. I delicately run my hand over the soft skin of her thigh, all the way up to her hip, and sigh. I lie down next to her and pull her close to me, so that we’re both lying on our sides, my arms wrapped around her body. She lifts her leg over my thigh to give me better access, and I run my hands over her perfect butt, cupping her ass. She drops her head in the hollow of my throat and starts placing kisses all over my neck up to my earlobe, which she slowly sucks into her mouth. I feel the bolt of pleasure run through me, like lightning striking my whole body. Her hands travel down my chest, all the way to my boxers, and she lifts her head to ask me permission. I grin and help her get me out of my boxers. She finally takes a look at my manhood and smiles teasingly.

“Not bad, Hutch,” she whispers. “Not bad at all.”

“Thanks?” I ask with a small chuckle.

She kisses me as if she just wants to shut me up, then she starts a path of feather light kisses all over my chest, following the light patch of hair that covers it all the way to my navel, and then continuing down the happy trail that leads to my now free cock. As her mouth nears my most sensitive area, I pray that I can hold on as long as possible. She’s overwhelming me with sensations I’m kinda used to, but since it’s been a long while since I had sex with a girl I actually truly loved, the feelings I have for her are making the sensations even more amazing.

She takes my length in her hand and starts rubbing it up and down, her mouth getting closer and closer to it. I moan deeply to keep from laughing as her hair tickles my skin. I take a good breath, bracing myself for the overflow of sensation that is sure to invade me the second her mouth makes contact with the skin of my dick. As I expected, the feeling of her wet mouth encasing the tip of my cock is almost enough to shoot me through the edge. I close my eyes and try to avoid seeing her sucking my cock, hoping it will be enough to keep me from coming right here, right there. As she slowly licks the underside of my length, I grip the sheets as tight as I can and let out a loud moan. She finally takes my whole cock in her mouth, or at least, as much as she can without gagging, and she starts sucking on it hard and fast, her teeth barely grazing the skin. After a few movements, I have to make her stop.

“I want us to go all the way, Jen,” I whisper, trembling in pleasure. “If you keep going, I’m gonna come.”

“Okay,” she says, meeting me back up for another kiss. She leads my hands to her panties so that I get the message. I help her take them off and gently stroke her ass, while I deepen the kiss and let her tongue invade my mouth. I roll us over and cover her body with kisses, all the way down to her bellybutton. She runs her hands over my shoulders and sighs. I look up at her when I get closer to her center.

“Go ahead,” she says with a smile.

I return her smile and eagerly place a kiss right on her center. I tentatively lick her clit and feel her arch her back instantly. I place my hands on her hipbones to keep her closer to the mattress and start licking my way around her folds.

“Gosh, Jen, you’re so wet already...”

“You made me wet as soon as I saw you in that costume, Josh.”

I smile and resume my ministrations over her pussy. I bring my hands between her legs and slowly separate her folds to give me better access to her clit. I start sucking on it lightly, and she lets out a deep moan of pleasure. As I keep sucking, I insert a finger into her entrance, pumping slowly at first, then going quicker when I feel her relax under my hands. I add a second finger, then a third, and then she calls out my name in a whisper.

“Josh... fuck me. Fuck me...”

I almost come just by hearing her beg my name, but I manage to hold back a little longer. Fortunately for me, I have to get up to retrieve the condom from my wallet. I knew it’d be useful one day to keep one on me at all times. I grab it, hastily remove the wrapping and sit on the edge of the bed as I roll it down as quickly as I can. Jennifer gently kisses my shoulderblade while wrapping an arm around me to stroke my chest. When I’m ready, I turn around, she lies down on the bed before me, wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her for a sensual kiss. As I get in position between her legs, she whispers.

“I love you, Josh.”

This is not the first time she says it, but I didn’t expect to hear it now. It makes the moment even more meaningful. I look at her, my eyes getting teary with the emotion, and I whisper back.

“I love you too. So much.”

I lean down to kiss her and bring my cock to her entrance. I slowly thrust inside her. She barely flinches, a satisfied smile gracing her features. She looks at me deep in the eyes as I start thrusting repeatedly into her, slow at first, then getting a little quicker. She feels so good, as if we were made to fit with each other.

Maybe the sex is feeling exceptionally good because it’s been a while since I got laid, but I think it really has to do with being in love with my partner. I find it makes a whole lot of difference.

As I keep moving inside her, I bring my lips to hers and kiss her hungrily. She wraps her arms tighter around my back and lifts her legs even higher to increase the angle of my thrusts. I feel like it won’t be long before I come, and so I bring my finger to draw circles on her clit while I push inside her. She starts panting and trembling, and in a second, I feel the familiar tingling sensation in my balls that warns me I’m about to come. As the sensation washes over me, I stand still, make a few deep and long thrusts, and collapse next to her. I remove the used condom, make a knot in it and toss it in the trash. I turn to Jen, who’s staring at me with the nicest smile I’ve ever seen coming from her, and realize she hasn’t come yet. I quickly hover over her and push my fingers inside her, stroking her clit with my thumb at the same time. She starts trembling under me, and in a minute, she’s crying out in pleasure while I feel her walls clench around my fingers. I bring my face to hers and drop a light kiss on her lips.

I finally lie down next to her. She lifts herself up to get closer to me, and so I open my arms to welcome her between them. She snuggles closer to my side, resting her head next to mine on the pillow and wrapping an arm around my spent body. I sigh contentedly.

“That was amazing,” I say. “Better than in my dreams.”

“Yeah, it was,” she says dreamily.

“You dreamt about us doing this together?” I ask, surprised.

“Every night for the past month.”

I gently stroke her arm.

“How long till we have to get back?” she asks with a yawn.

I take a look at the clock on the wall. We still have a half hour before our call, but since we have major touch-ups to do to our hair and make-up, we need to leave earlier. I sit in the bed reluctantly as Jen does the same. We spend a few minutes in each other’s arms, before I pick up my clothes and we take turns cleaning ourselves up in the bathroom. After we’re both dressed again, I pull Jen closer to my body, give her a quick kiss and whisper.

“I can’t wait for round two tonight.”

She smiles and we leave for the hair and make-up trailer, together, as security has been strengthened here and it’s highly unlikely there’s any paps hiding in the vicinity.

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I already knew I was irremediably attracted to Josh, but these last two weeks have proven me that there were no bounds to the desire I could feel for him. As the nights making out and sleeping wrapped up in each other’s arms kept multiplying, I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn’t hold myself back from actually having sex with him. And when I saw him with his Tribute Parade costume on, I had a feeling this was going to be the day.

The day I let Josh discover my most intimate parts. The day Josh got to truly know me better than Nick ever did. And with the way he was about to make love to me, he was way more invested in discovering me than Nick ever was.

When I saw him up close with his tight costume, I had to hold myself from wrapping my arms around his torso and letting my hands wander all over his chest. The sleeveless costume was highlighting his muscled arms, and with his golden hair shining brightly in the morning sun, he was absolutely striking. I couldn’t wait to get him in a private place and ravish his body with my mouth and hands.

And so when Francis called for the lunch break, I knew it was my chance to get some relief. And given the way Josh had looked at me all morning long, gotten closer to me and stroked my hand while everyone was looking away, I figured he wanted it just as much as I did.

When we started making out next to the trailer, still clad in our movie costumes, I was feeling my happiest in a very long time. It quickly became obvious that we wouldn’t stop it there this time, and so I proposed to go have lunch in our trailer, hoping Josh would get the message and ask Andre to leave.

I passed Andre on my way to the trailer and he winked at me. I didn’t expect Josh to have told him of our plans, and so I figured he must have just guessed. Lucky for us, he’s quiet, so we could definitely count on him.

When I got in the trailer, I couldn’t wait to have my way with Josh. Even with his casual clothes, he was extremely attractive. And so when he finally asked me if now was the time to make that last step into our physical relationship, I wanted to scream. But I held back and simply nodded with a smile.

To say it was the best sex of my life would be an understatement.

I’m not used to having such an attentive partner. Not to say that Nick wasn’t trying to please me, but he definitely wasn’t paying as much attention to my own pleasure as Josh was. His touch made me truly feel beautiful. It’s funny, for someone who keeps getting ranked amongst the sexiest women in the world, to feel so self-conscious of her own body, but it’s true. It’s hard having a normal body in Hollywood when we keep getting pressured into dieting to achieve these incredibly thin model bodies, and I can’t even recognize myself in my own photoshoots in magazines as they keep photoshopping the hell out of my body. It’s as if I couldn’t be pretty enough without having to use Photoshop to make me thinner. And so to feel revered under Josh’s touch makes wonders for my self-esteem. I realize that I don’t care what other people think about my body, even if they call me fat, as long as Josh likes my body. And when he lays eyes on me, I feel like he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. That’s what he keeps telling me too, but when it matters, I can finally believe what he’s saying.

After, we quickly take a few bites out of our lunches just so we have a little something to fill our stomachs – we don’t have time to eat our whole meals, but I don’t regret doing what I did with Josh, at all – and leave the trailer together. I don’t even think about the possible paparazzi hanging around the parking lot that could see me hanging out with Josh.

We made sure to replace our hair as much as we could before leaving the trailer, but it’s still obvious we’re just out of some intense physical activity.

As we make our way to the hair and make-up trailer, I brace myself for the comments that will surely follow from the team when they take in our disheveled state. As we reach the bottom of the stairs, Josh turns to me and smiles warmly.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he says in a reassuring tone. “Even if they guess what we just did, they’re professional. They know us. They’re not gonna talk, I promise.”

I nod.

“You’re right.”

“Are you ashamed?”

“No, not at all!”

“Then, there’s no problem.”

He starts climbing the stairs and I follow him. He opens the door and exclaims, “Hey!”

I hear a high-pitched voice respond to him and immediately recognize Jena’s voice.

“Hey! What did you do to your hair?”

She adds something in a low voice that I can’t make out. Josh enters the trailer and I follow him. When Jena finally sees me, her jaw drops to the floor.

“Oh my God,” she whispers. “You guys just had sex, right?”

Josh turns to me and shrugs. I see he’s trying very hard to keep a straight face, but he looks so proud of himself, so satisfied – and in a way, he’s mirroring my feelings so I can’t be mad at him for that – that it shows on his features.

Fortunately, Jena is alone at the moment, waiting for Linda, the hair designer, to come back to fix her hairstyle. Since Jena already knows what’s going on between Josh and me, I don’t bother hiding the truth from her. I snake my arms around Josh’s waist, pressing my chest against his back and resting my head on his shoulder, watching Jena intently.

“Is it that obvious?” I tease.

Josh and Jena burst out laughing. I let go of Josh’s body before Linda or any other crew member can actually see us so close. He still discreetly grabs my hand and leads me to our chairs.

As soon as I sit, I hear Linda’s grave voice let out a cry of surprise.

“Josh! What did you do with your hair?”

In the mirror, I see Jena hide a chuckle. Josh exchanges a wink with me, and I can’t help but laugh.

“Can you keep a secret, Linda?” I ask.

“Sure, I’m a professional!”

“He just got laiiiiiiiiid!”

Josh can’t hide his laughter anymore, and he laughs so hard he’s actually in tears.

“But Jennifer,” Linda says with a knowing smile, ”Your hair is messy too. Could it have something to do with Josh actually getting laid?”

I pretend to hide my face in my hands.

“Damn, I’m outed. Yeah... I may have gotten laid at the same time... it may, or may not, have happened in the same bed...”

“Okay, no more details!” she interrupts me with a laugh.

“But you have to keep the secret, okay? Nobody can know this right now. It wouldn’t be good for me, for Josh, and neither for the movies. I told you cause as long as our heads aren’t fixed, it’s kinda obvious... but you’re gonna help us keep the secret?”

“Of course, I’m not gonna tell anybody,” she says, her voice back to a serious tone. “You can count on me. But if I can say something... it was about time.”

Josh smiles proudly at me and I shake my head.

“It was the perfect time.”

 

* * *

 

 

As we film for the rest of the day, the tension isn’t as overwhelming as it was this morning. Josh and I hold hands the whole time, but since our characters are actually supposed to be holding hands, nobody but us, Jena, and probably Sam, know that we’re doing it for ourselves as well.

At the end of the day, I ask Josh if he’d like to come over for the night. I don’t expect him to say no, but given the fact he actually kicked Andre out of the trailer earlier, I figure he may want to spend some time with his best friend to make up for it. We eventually settle for a compromise: he’ll have dinner with Andre at his house, and he’ll meet me at my place afterwards.

We are told we can leave at the same time since we have nothing to film on our own. We slowly walk back to the trailer together, as we have some stuff to pick up before we can leave. Inside, I grab my bag, and before I can get out, Josh sneaks his arms around my waist and backs me into the wall to kiss me thoroughly. I run my hand in his hair and sigh.

“See you later,” he whispers.

“See you later,” I smile.

 

* * *

 

 

I can’t wait for him to get here. I’ve changed into the sexiest nightgown I could find. It’s a red lacy babydoll with thin straps and a plunging neckline that’s particularly flattering to my breasts. I had picked it to rekindle the flame with Nick. I ended up never wearing it at all. This will be the first time.

I put on a robe over it and wait impatiently for Josh to arrive. I untie my hair and look at my face. I’m still wearing the make-up from the set, and I have to admit that it looks great with my outfit. He’ll enjoy the loose hair, though.

Not long after, the bell rings, and I open the door to find Josh, looking sexy as hell in his tight white t-shirt. It’s pouring rain outside and the small walk he had to take from his car to my porch was enough to soak him through, which makes his t-shirt cling to his body. Droplets fall from his messy hair, and he runs a hand in it to wipe some of it and avoid them falling into his eyes. I let him in, and he immediately takes off his shirt. He winks at my stunned expression.

“What? It’s completely soaked through...”

 I reply with a smile and run my hands on his damp torso, bringing my lips to him for a passionate kiss at the same time. I back off into the living room and look at him seductively, my index fingernail gently resting in between my teeth as I enjoy the view of his strong body. Under his mesmerizing gaze, I slowly untie the belt of the robe to reveal the nightgown underneath. I remove the robe altogether and I see Josh swallow heavily. In one second, he’s in front of me, quickly removing his pants and wrapping his arms around my body. His hands wander underneath the red fabric, gently caressing my thighs, and I moan in his mouth. He suddenly breaks the kiss, sits on the couch and takes my hand to bring me down to him. I straddle his hips and kiss him wildly, as if I was starved for his kisses. And in a way, I am. It’s like I can never have enough of him. I’m always hungrier for his touch.

As his kisses become more tender, and he opens his mouth to let me in, he slowly caresses my ass, making me gasp. I realize he’s making me wet even quicker than the first time. Without thinking, as if it was already second nature, I slide my hand inside his boxers to grasp his cock and free him. I lift myself up to help him remove his last piece of clothing, and then, when I feel the skin of my center meeting that of his throbbing cock, I almost lose it.

“I want to feel you in me, Josh. Now,” I look down into his lust-filled eyes and sigh.

“Okay, I just need to get-“

“I’m on the pill. And I trust you.”

He smiles, sucks gently on my collarbone and lifts me without a word, aligning his cock with my entrance. I sink down on him and start going up and down, riding his cock faster and faster. He groans underneath me, and I find the sounds he makes especially arousing. As he penetrates me again and again, I run my hands over his chest, that is now damp with sweat, and I lean down to kiss him. He takes the lead from me for a while, managing the speed of the thrusts by himself in an attempt to last longer. He eventually settles for long, slow thrusts, while I explore his delicious mouth with my tongue. The simple feeling of having him connected with me in my most intimate part is enough to satisfy me at the moment. At the same time, he delicately caresses my back and lets his hands wander until they reach my breasts, still partially hidden by the fabric of the nightgown. He breaks the kiss to place light, open mouthed kisses on them, sucking and licking the nipples thoroughly. My body is overwhelmed by the sensations he’s giving me. He stops for a second to let me take off the nightgown, resuming his kisses on my breasts right after.

Then, he starts picking up speed again, and I can feel myself getting closer to completion. As I meet his thrusts, I moan loudly. I can see in his eyes that the sounds I’m making, plus the noise our slapping flesh makes, is turning him on. I lean down and start sucking on his neck, when suddenly, he cries out my name in pleasure and lets his cock fill me impossibly deep for a few thrusts.

“Oh, Jen...”

I move my mouth to his jaw, covering it with kisses while I still caress the soft skin of his arms and chest. He eventually stops thrusting altogether and sighs heavily, closing his eyes to savour his orgasm. I smile and kiss him smoothly.

“Your turn, now,” he says.

He lightly pushes on my clit and starts rubbing it in circles, the way he discovered I liked it. Since I was so close, he doesn’t even need to enter any fingers into my body to make me come; his thumb working its magic on my clit totally makes the job.

After, as we sit on the couch, snuggled together with a blanket resting over our naked bodies, he whispers.

“Round three before bed?”

“I can’t wait for it,” I reply with a wink.


	16. Chapter 16

**Josh’s POV**

Round two ended up being a prelude to a whole night of sweet kisses, hot caresses, loud moans and heavy breathing. We both knew we should sleep to be well-rested for filming today, but it was too hard to keep our hands off each other. As soon as we both climaxed, we’d snuggle together and close our eyes, completely spent, and drift off for half hours at a time before waking up, pawing and kissing each other again, which would in turn throw us into a new spiral of passion.

In the wee hours of the morning, we decide to try to sleep for at least a couple of hours. I’m so tired, yet so excited, I have a hard time falling asleep. But eventually, Jen’s regular breathing on my chest lulls me into a deep sleep.

When the alarm clock buzzes two hours later, I groan. Jennifer is lying against my side, arm splayed across my chest, hair tickling my skin and head resting next to mine on the pillow. She stretches her arm to reach my phone on the nightstand and turns off the annoying sound. I sigh and open my eyes slowly to find her staring at my face, a warm smile gracing her features.

“Good morning, honey.”

I smile. It feels so good to hear her call me by a sweet name.

“Good morning, love.”

She leans down to kiss me softly. The thought that I wish I could wake up with her like that all the time crosses my mind. Even if we end up making our relationship serious at some point, I know we’ll still likely be separated for long periods of time. That’s the reality of being movie actors.

“How long until our call?” she asks, placing light kisses along the line of my jaw.

“Two hours,” I reply, wrapping my arms around her to caress the soft skin of her back.

“Good, so that leaves us some free time before we have to be on set?”

She lifts her head up to wink at me.

“Or we could sleep some more,” I reply with a shit-eating grin. “You decide. You must be sore after all our banging last night.”

 “Oh, proud much, Hutch?” she teases.

“You tell me if I have the right to be,” I murmur suggestively.

“There are lots of things we can do that don’t involve pounding into my intimate parts,” she whispers in my ear.

“Oh yeah? You’ve got some ideas?” I say, flipping her down so I can hover over her. I drop my head to the crease of her neck and start brushing my mouth over her collarbone.

“Maybe.”

As I kiss my way up to her mouth to wrap my lips around hers and I wake up more fully, serious thoughts start popping up in my mind. I gently caress her cheek and sigh.

“What’s wrong, Josh?” She senses my change of mood immediately.

“What are we, Jen?” I ask in a dejected tone.

“Hey, why are you thinking about that now? We were having fun...”

“There’s no right moment to figure that out. As much as I enjoy what we’re doing right now, you knew how I felt about all of this.”

I pause, letting that sink in her head. I lie down on my side, creating some distance between us. She turns on her side to face me, not making a move to get any closer.

“Yes, I know.”

“And I know you just broke up with your boyfriend two weeks ago. I don’t expect a relationship. But to me, what we have, this is serious. I’m not sure it’s the same for you.”

“What do you mean?” She frowns.

“You seem to take it lightly. This is not a game for me, Jen. I’m not gonna act like an entitled jerk like Nick did. But if we’re to take this path in our relationship, I want it to be meaningful. “

I pause.

“I’m scared of being your rebound,” I finally let out, looking down at the sheet in shame. “Or worse, you’ll have your way with me while we’re shooting, and then, when you start filming your next movie with Nick, you’ll fall in love with him all over again.”

She doesn’t answer straight away. I finally look up and guess from her thoughtful features that she’s thinking about it.

“Never mind,” I say, rolling onto my back. “I should just take what you give me and enjoy it while it lasts, instead of doing my best to spoil everything-“

“Josh,” she interrupts me and places her palm on my chest. “It’s true that I’m not ready to commit right now. It’s too fast for that and you know it. But I don’t see myself anywhere else either. And don’t talk to me about rekindling with Nick, I don’t see how it could ever happen. I’ve seen his true colors, I want nothing more to do with him ever again. And I know you said you didn’t want us just to fool around. This, what we have, means something to me too, Josh. And I don’t want to lose you. I wouldn’t be making these steps with you if I thought it’d separate us in the end. “

She slides closer to me and runs her hand on my arm, making me shiver.

“I’d like to give us a try, but let’s agree to see where we end up in a few months first. That will be the best test. When we’re done filming and we’re away from each other, we’ll both see if our feelings still hold strong.”

She bites her lower lip.

“I don’t want to make promises I won’t hold in the end,” she admits, unknowingly making my heart tighten in my chest. “You’re right in a way, we’re in a bubble here, it may feel different when we’re away from each other for a long time. Those nine months before we start filming the next movies... if we can pass through this and we still want to be together, then we’ll make it official. What do you think?”

I’m stunned. She doesn’t believe in us strongly enough to commit before almost a whole year. She’s giving herself an obvious out that she’ll probably take as soon as she can.

But no matter my feelings, I decide to agree with her, if only because I feel like I have no other choice. It’s either that, or I renounce altogether to the possibility of a life with her. By agreeing to her plan, at least, I still give us a chance.

But it still just fucking hurts.

I sit up slowly and turn my body towards the window, my legs dangling over the side of the bed, in an effort to hide the tears I feel burning behind my now closed eyelids. My shoulders slump, despite my attempt at appearing strong.

“That sounds like a good plan,” I say, trying to straighten my voice as much as I can. I feel her warm body press against my back as she snakes her arms around my middle to hug me from behind.

“You’ve been hurt in the past, haven’t you? Not only that story with Victoria?” she asks in a soft voice.

I sigh and look down. She runs her hands over my stomach in a soothing manner.

“I have. Some of my previous girlfriends had... questionable values and my mom saved me from making huge mistakes with them. And then there’s Vanessa... you already know the story, you were there when it happened last year.”

“Yeah. She used you as a rebound, let you believe there was something between you two and ditched you, denying you ever dated, when she found another guy.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m not like this. You know that.”

Her voice, so close to my ear, makes me shudder.

“I do.”

“And I love you. I’m confident we’ll always find our way to each other when we’re apart in the future. Maybe as lovers, maybe as very good friends. I already know I’m incredibly attracted to you. Just give me time to really fall in love with you.”

“Alright.”

I run a hand over my face to give myself a countenance, and then turn my head to her.

“I’m glad to be here with you.”

“I’m glad you’re here with me too,” she replies, gently kissing my lips. I break the kiss quickly.

“Let’s get ready. We have a long day ahead of us.”

 

* * *

 

 

As the days pass, we’re getting closer to wrapping up filming in Atlanta and moving to Hawaii for the remainder of the shoot.

And at the same time, Jennifer and I get closer and closer to being able to call the kind of relationship we’re having, “dating”. She’s still not ready to make the final move, but I’ve learned not to care. I enjoy the way she lets me love her and I feel the deep affection she has for me. It’s enough for now.

I’m still somewhat neglecting Andre and Driver, but I don’t feel as guilty since he made some new friends amongst the crew and has been spending his nights with different people while I was busy with Jen. I ended up having sleepovers at Jen’s house almost every night. We even got a routine: we’d get the call off for the day - usually at the same time since we’re appearing together in most of the scenes we’re shooting these days - , we’d leave the set, pick up food on our way home – we still have yet to go out and eat at the restaurant just the two of us; it’s too risky for rumors to leak out – have dinner at her place either on the balcony or in front of the TV, and then we’d make love and go to sleep in each other’s arms. We’d wake up with our bodies entwined the next morning and take the time to wake each other up with kisses.

If I had any doubts that I loved her, they were gone by now. I was definitely utterly, madly in love with her. And I felt that she was slowly getting there, too.

At the beginning of November, we’re ready to film the Cornucopia scenes at an artificial lake set in an Atlanta park. The day before filming at that location starts, we’re due for yet another photoshoot, this time in our arena costumes. We’ve tried them in passing before – Trish made me try it in the costumes trailer a few weeks back - so that they’d be fit for today. Andre drives me to the place they’ve rented for the occasion. I enter the room and immediately notice most of the other actors playing tributes are already there. Only Jennifer seems to be missing for the moment, but I know she’ll be there soon. I was with her this morning and she had a few errands to run before coming to work.

I’m handed my costume by a crew member, and then I enter the dressing room. I put the outfit on and look at myself in the mirror. The one-piece wetsuit is very tight and leaves nothing to the imagination, from the strong muscles I worked so hard to develop in my upper body, to the obvious bulge in my groin area. I can’t wait to see Jen in her own costume. She’s gonna look amazing.

I get out of the room and find Jen waiting for me behind the door. She obviously just got there because she’s still wearing her own clothes, a wool sweater and navy jeans. I see her checking me out, her eyes going up and down along the length of my body.

“So?”

“Ugh, you’re so handsome,” she says, making a step to hug me. I take a quick look around, before grabbing her hand and pulling her inside the dressing room. As soon as I close the door, she throws her arms around my neck and smashes her lips against mine. I return her kiss eagerly, running my hands all over her back, down to her perfect ass. As she lets my tongue enter her mouth forcefully, I hear her hum in appreciation. I sense she’s careful not to touch my hair so that she doesn’t ruin the Peeta hairstyle I just got done before putting the costume on. I bring her closer to me and sigh. After a moment of just letting our tongues swirl together, in a dance that has become natural to both of us over the last few days, I pull back and try to slow down my breathing. She grins at me.

“I don’t know how I’ll be able to hold back from jumping you all the time when we’re in Hawaii,” she says with a chuckle.

“I can’t wait to see you in your costume,” I reply, my hands still tracing circles on her back.

She presses her forehead against mine and sighs.

“What are you gonna do when we’re finished shooting here in Atlanta?” she asks suddenly.

I pull my head back a little to see her eyes. She looks strangely sad.

“I’m supposed to go spend Thanksgiving with my family in Kentucky. Aren’t you going back home as well? We could spend some time together before flying to Hawaii.”

“No, I’m flying my family out to Hawaii for Thanksgiving,” she sighs, looking disappointed. “I would have loved to hang out with you at home though. Without the paps, maybe we could have actually gone on a real date.”

My heart stops. Is she really suggesting we start dating? That in this moment, she’s only holding back because of those damn paparazzi? But then I realize paparazzi are only a part of our problem.

“Even back home, we’ll be recognized by the public,” I say softly. “We can’t go out like that and expect not to be recognized, or that people won’t tell all over the social media sites that they’ve sighted us going on a romantic date. Unless you want to come out soon with our relationship, we can’t even do that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” She looks away sadly. “Sometimes, I wish I still had a normal life, without people watching me constantly, paps stalking me all the time... but then I realize we wouldn’t have met. And I wouldn’t have gotten to play that role I love so much. And... I just don’t want to think of a life where I don’t know you, Josh.”

This sounds so heartfelt, so close to telling me she’s in love with me, that I have to work hard for the tears not to drop from my eyes. I take her in my arms, hugging her tightly.

“Neither do I, Jen.”

There’s a knock at the door.

“Josh, Jen, stop making out and come out already!”

I recognize Sam’s voice and burst out laughing.

“We’re coming!” I yell.

“Yuck, too much information, man!”

I open the door to find Sam, all clad in his Finnick costume, showing a large grin on his face. Jen peeks at him behind me, resting her hand on my shoulder.

“I have to go get ready now,” Jen says.

I turn my head to face her and speak softly.

“Talk to you later.”

 

* * *

 

 

As I expected, Jen looks like a real badass heroine with her arena costume on. The outfit flatters her curves perfectly, and I find myself wishing I could run my hands all over her body, feeling the soft fabric under my fingers. But I have to get out of my daydream, as we still cannot let any hint of our relationship show.

The news that Jen and Nick have broken up still hasn’t made its way out yet, which pleases Jen. It’s not that she’s dying for people to think she’s still dating Nick; she just doesn’t want to titillate the press with the possibility of having new developments in her love life. I sometimes toy with the idea of suggesting to her we don’t hide as much and go on a date anyway. Since people still believe she’s with Nick, it would be the best time to go out and have people assume it’s just a friendly outing. But I know she’s not comfortable being seen alone with me and I respect that.

When we get to the set, the photographer is getting ready to start with Alan. Jennifer and I sit on metal chairs next to each other as we wait for our turn to be photographed in front of the green screen.

“What do you think they’ll use as a background?” Jennifer asks me.

“I don’t know. Probably something having to do with water, to match the arena.”

“Maybe.”

“What are you doing tonight?” I ask in a low voice.

“I don’t know... hanging out with you?” she replies, teasingly.

“That sounds like a good plan,” I say with a smile. “I want to spend as much time with you as I can before we leave.”

“Me too.”

I turn my face towards the set, where the photographer has started taking the first pictures. Sam and Jena join us.

“So,” Sam starts with a loud voice, before immediately switching to a whisper, “how are the two lovebirds? Still can’t keep your hands away from each other I see!”

I laugh, turn to Jen and shake my head.

“Do you see us holding hands right now, Sam?” she replies. “We can very well control ourselves, thank you very much.”

“What about this morning?” he teases.

“When we’re alone in a closed off space, I consider it private,” she states with a smile. “Doesn’t count.”

“Are you guys officially together now?” Jena asks.

“No,” I quickly reply in a neutral voice. I don’t wanna show my disappointment.

“Not yet,” Jennifer corrects me.

There is a heavy silence settling in the air. Obviously, they weren’t expecting that kind of answer. I try to change subjects to get rid of the awkwardness.

“So, I’m pretty impressed with your look, Sam,” I say with a smile. “If there are still fans not convinced you’re the right Finnick...” I add, looking him up and down,” They never will be.”

“Yeah, I know. That thing is pretty comfortable, though.” He replies, pinching the fabric of the costume.

I see some crew member walking in our direction.

“Josh? It’s your turn. After we’re done with your individual shots, you’ll pose with Jennifer.”

“Alright.”

I follow him to the set-up in front of the green screen. The photographer gives me indications as to where to look and the kind of pose I should take. I lift my head up and look in the distance, my face a mix of sadness and determination, as I’ve been told to play.

“Ball your fists,” he asks. “Perfect.”

It doesn’t take long before he’s satisfied with the shots. I look at Jen, who’s watching me with a loving grin she doesn’t even try to hide. I return her smile, and the guy motions to her to meet me in front of the screen. She walks to me and takes her place before me, before turning around to whisper to my face.

“You were very sexy. I can’t wait to see that poster.”

“It’s gonna need a lot of Photoshop,” I whisper back, playfully.

She shakes her head but can’t hide a smile. I smile back at her and lightly graze her body when I let my arms down her sides. She tries to straighten her body, but the tension between us is making it hard to stay away from each other. Her back almost rests against my chest, and as the photographer gets ready, I play with my fingers, lightly brushing hers.

“Okay, now you’re a bit too close,” the photographer says, looking pensive, as if he was trying to imagine the kind of pose he wants to get out of us. I pull back a little, and he smiles.

“Perfect. Now Josh, take the same pose as in the other poster, and Jennifer, look in the same direction. I want you to look frightened but determined at the same time.”

“Okay, “she says, immediately transforming into her character. I ball my fists and look in the distance, posing the same way I did earlier. Even though I’m not touching Jen, we’re still standing so close to one another that I can feel her warmth transfer to my own body and make me melt. I smell the scent of her shampoo, and I have to hold back from breathing her in fully. We hold still for a while and follow the directions the photographer gives us for the next shots, and then I’m done. Jennifer has to stay to do her solo shoot. I give her a wink, before going back to sit next to Sam and Jena.

“You’re hiding something,” Sam observes. I’m staring at Jen without a word, without a smile, just reflexive.

“She doesn’t want a relationship with me,” I finally say in a low voice. “She’s happy to spend time with me, happy to sleep with me, but she won’t commit before nine fucking months. In which she’ll be close to her ex-boyfriend.”

“You’re jealous?”

“Yes.” I’d better admit it. “Yes, I’m jealous, cause there’s no way I can compete with him. She’s confused at the moment. She thinks she loves me, but as soon as she’ll find herself on set with him again, the fire will catch again.”

I sigh.

“She’ll forget she ever thought she loved me,” I add, looking distractedly in the distance.

I barely make out Sam shaking his head. I look away when I realize he seems completely fed up with me.

“Why are you putting yourself down like that? If you’re being annoying like that, I can understand her wanting to run away!”

“I suggested we take our time before having sex, because I wanted it to mean something between us. I really wanted it to work this time. So I’m not the one who rushed into things, then pushed the brakes when she realized I probably wasn’t what she wanted.” I pause. “I’m used to heartbreak, anyway. There’s no way it can finish otherwise.”

“Don’t say that. She may surprise you.”

“I’m not hoping for anything else,” I reply, resigned.

 

* * *

 

 

That night, while we’re in the middle of one of our trysts, we’re interrupted by the ringing tone of my phone. At first, I consider not answering, but then I chance a glance at the screen and sigh, disentangling myself from Jennifer’s warm body.

“My agent,” I mutter. “Must be important for him to call at this hour.”

I pick up the phone and touch the “Answer” icon.

“Hey, Ric, what’s up?”

“Are you up for a coffee tomorrow morning? I have something to talk to you about.”

That’s my agent. Always to the point.

“Sure, no problem,” I answer, trying to steady my voice as Jennifer keeps placing hot kisses all over my chest. “8 am, at the coffee shop near my place?”

“Perfect. See you tomorrow.”

I barely have time to greet him before he hangs up. He’s one busy man. Jennifer lifts her head up to look at me, and then starts sucking on my throat. She stops when I moan and asks me what it was all about. I tell her the little information I know.

“He must have a project for you,” she guesses, resuming her kissing.

“Probably. That’s nice, Apart from _Epic_ and _Mockingjay_ , I had nothing to keep me busy next year.”

“At least, you have something to keep you busy right now,” she says suggestively, winking at me.

I laugh and turn us over so I can hover over her, kiss her softly, and finish what we had started before we got interrupted.

 

* * *

 

 

“Benicio recommended me?”

“Yes, you were his only choice apparently. You know Andrea di Stefano?” my manager says.

“Not personally. But that name sounds familiar.”

“Yes, he wrote the _Life of Pi_ script. You know, the movie with the fake tiger in it?”

I nod.

“He’s directing this movie and when Benicio told him you were his own choice for the main part, he apparently watched _The Hunger Games_ and _The Kids Are All Right_ and he was convinced that he wanted you for the role as well. You don’t even have to audition, he’s talked with the producer and they’re ready to give you the role. We’d only need to discuss the financial aspects.”

“Wow, that’s nice.”

I think I’ll have to make sure to drop a call to Benicio – who became a personal friend after we worked together on a movie in Cuba last year- to thank him for that.

“It is.” He takes a script out of his briefcase and hands it to me. I take a quick look at it. The title of the movie is written in big, bolded characters on the first page: _Paradise Lost_.

“What’s it all about?” I ask, leafing through the script distractedly.

“It’s a young surfer – your potential character – who falls in love with Pablo Escobar’s niece while on a trip to Colombia. Benicio will play Escobar.”

“Oh, that sounds exciting. But I’ll have to read the script first. Can I take the night to do it and think about it, and then give you an answer tomorrow morning?”

“Sure.” He says with a huge smile.

“Are they thinking of filming in Colombia?” I ask, suddenly a little worried.

“No, they’re looking for places in Central America.”

“Alright.”

 

* * *

 

 

That day on set, I take the script with me and read it every break I get. Jennifer tries to sneak a peek, but I hide the script every time, invoking that it’s a surprise.

It turns out the script is really appealing and I’m dying to play in that kind of movie. The character is pretty interesting too, very different from everything I’ve had to play so far. This will be my first truly adult role, and I’m very excited to have the part already.

I’m already done reading by the time I get home, and so I call my agent immediately to let him know that I’m on board. He sounds very happy on the phone and lets me know he’ll work out the details for me, so that I only have to sign the contract when he visits me next before I leave for Hawaii. I also drop a call to Benicio to thank him warmly for recommending me to the director. He bursts out laughing, reminding me he had already told me last year I was one of the best young actors of my generation and he couldn’t wait to have the opportunity to work with me again. He was just holding his promise, after all.

That night, I unusually sleep in my own bed, without Jennifer. I’m not ready to tell her that I’ll spend the whole spring overseas. I know she has her _X-Men_ sequel to film at the same time, but I think she expected me to be closer to her and that we’d be able to see each other more easily. With me being in a different country, it’s definitely gonna be much harder to see each other. We hadn’t expected to experiment the woes of a long distance relationship so soon.

Before I fall asleep, I remember that Jennifer doesn’t want us to be in a serious relationship anyway, and so it doesn’t matter if I’m away for so long. It makes my heart hurt, but there’s no turning back now.

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m glad that Josh is having more projects on the table. He’s a wonderful actor and I wish more than anything that he’d get more recognized for his work. Maybe that project his agent just talked to him about will bring him that kind of recognition.

I’m still sad to be left alone for the night though. The bed feels so huge, so empty without him in it. It’s funny, because when I moved in here at the beginning of the shoot, I was ecstatic about how comfortable the bed actually was, and how well I’d sleep in it. Now, all alone under the sheets, I feel cold and I can’t seem to find sleep at all.

I realize I’ve gotten used to Josh’s presence by my side pretty quickly. I’m rapidly growing addicted to the sensation of his body pressed against mine, the stirrings that the simple brushing of his fingers on my skin cause in me, the manly scent he exudes after a shower, the sweet things he whispers in my ear after we’ve made love.

As I try without success to fall asleep, I can’t help but replay in my head the conversation we had yesterday morning before we left for work.

It had started so well. I felt incredibly good in his arms: he had that calming effect on me that I desperately crave. But then, he showed me how plagued with insecurities he was and made me face my own fears, those that lead me to push the brakes on our relationship instead of embracing it. The truth is that I’m terrified of making the same mistakes with Josh that I did with Nick, and I also can’t afford to lose Josh’s friendship, not if I can help it at least. He’s my rock, I need him to ground me and show me that the world can be beautiful even when paparazzi throw themselves at me and shout me insults, or that I am beautiful even though some people call me fat and ugly all the time.

I sigh when I dream of the loving relationship I could have with Josh if I’d let myself go. I have no doubt he’d be the best boyfriend in the world. He’s already showing me how passionate, attentive and clever he is; why can’t I commit to him already? How could we ever decide to break up? We get along so well, we’re deeply attracted to each other, he’s my accomplice, my soul mate...

And then it hits me. I thought all the same things of Nick before. We drifted from each other after being separated for a while and not spending enough time together while we were on break. If I let myself become involved with Josh on a deeper level, the same could happen. After we’re done filming this movie, we should still have some time to hang out together during awards season – not much though, as I will probably be in attendance for most of the ceremonies and events surrounding them – but then, I’m leaving for Montreal to film the _X-Men_ movie and Josh should be busy with his next film. After, I should have some time off before we start filming the _Mockingjay_ movies, but I don’t know if Josh will be off at the same time.

And it doesn’t help that we cannot have a normal dating relationship. We’re confined to our own houses, trying as best as possible not to be sighted by the paps, as we can’t afford to be linked together at this point. I don’t want to be accused of having a PR relationship with my co-star just to boost the movie ticket sales. I love and respect Josh way too much to impose that on him.

And there’s still the issue of Nick. I’m glad he hasn’t tried to get revenge on my dumping him by leaking the information to the press. I figure one day, we’ll have to let it known, but for now, I have to act like I’m still with him, which means even if I wanted to have a normal relationship and show some affection to Josh in public, I couldn’t.

If I was being honest with myself though, I’d recognize that Josh had a point. I don’t know what will happen when I switch from my _Hunger Games_ bubble to my _X-Men_ one; when I’m forced to spend hours with Nick on set, in a place where I’m far away from my friends, while working and not having the time to think about Josh. Nick has always made me vulnerable to him: I used to melt in his presence all the time. Now, he’s hitting on my nerves, but in a few months time, who knows if our friendship will have rekindled? And if it does, I don’t know how it’ll make me feel. As much as I would like to give my heart to Josh completely, I don’t want to end up hurting him even more if I eventually realize I still have feelings for Nick.

This is getting so complicated.

But there’s one thing I’m sure of: I’m selfish, and because of that, I don’t want to give up what I have with Josh at the moment. And so I hope this night alone will be the last one before we leave for Hawaii.

 

* * *

 

 

“Did you take the role?” I ask Josh enthusiastically.

I just got to work for our first day of filming the Cornucopia scenes, and the set is impressive. They’ve built this island in the middle of the lake and erected a giant cornucopia on top, all clad with prop weapons and stuff.  The autumn cold makes me shiver underneath the thin wetsuit costume, and my teeth chatter a little bit while I wait for his answer. He sees my discomfort and rubs my arms in an attempt to warm me up. I cross eyes with Justine in the background, and I see her go fetch a thick jacket without even having said a word.

“I did,” he finally replies. “The script is really interesting, so is the character. I feel like it may be a turning point in my career.”

“Really?”

“Hey, finally, I’m getting called to play actual adult characters and not only lovesick teenagers!”

“You love to play Peeta,” I tease him.

“Of course. I’ve never been so happy to get a part in my whole life. But as I get older, I need to convince people I can play more mature roles.”

“I know. I’m glad you got it. When are you starting filming?”

He bites his lip and looks down, as if he was holding something from me. I frown in response.

“Sometime this spring, I don’t know yet. My agent is working out the details.”

“So that means you’ll likely be filming your movie at the same time I film mine?”

“Possibly. If yours isn’t pushed back to next year!” he laughs.

I shake my head with a smile. The joke is getting old. When I signed on to the _Hunger Games_ franchise, I was already under contract to do sequels of the _X-Men_ movies. Therefore, the Fox studios had the priority over my availability. It proved to be a headache for the Lionsgate executives who were trying to plan a schedule to film the last three _Hunger Games_ movies, as they had to work around the planned schedule for the next _X-Men_ shoot. At first, we had to be done before the end of December, as I was supposed to start filming _X-Men_ in January. But the script isn’t ready yet, so it has already been pushed back a couple times. Unfortunately for the _Catching Fire_ shoot, it doesn’t mean getting more time to work on filming the scenes since the shooting schedule had already been planned to finish at the end of December. At this point, I know I’ll have to film the _X-Men_ movie next year, but I don’t know exactly when. Somewhere between March and August obviously, since we will also have to start filming the _Mockingjay_ movies eventually.

I just hope I end up leaving to film at the same time as Josh does. I want to be able to spend my free time with him, not watching him leave to shoot on location on his own while I’m off work.

I’m still shivering like crazy, so Josh takes me in his arms to try and shield me from the cold. I relax a little in his embrace, although I can’t help but take a look around to make sure paps haven’t found a way to infiltrate this set.

“I missed you last night. I literally couldn’t sleep,” I whisper in his ear.

“Come on, Katniss, you’re stronger than that!” he says with a laugh, dropping a light kiss on my temple. I sigh.

“Really.”

“I missed you too,” he whispers. “I don’t know how I’ll make it next time we’re separated.”

“Neither do I,” I admit.

Justine finally makes her way to me and hands me the jacket. I thank her while I drop it on my shoulders, warming my body up instantly.

Josh turns to Sam and starts a conversation with him, paying no more attention to me. Justine smiles at me.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yeah. I was cold, but it’s getting better.”

“No, I mean... in your head.”

“Oh. Well, I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m confused about certain things and it makes me fuck up big time.”

“What do you mean?”

I quickly look at Josh, who is still engrossed in his conversation with Sam. I turn to Justine, grab her arm and lead her to the other side of the Cornucopia.

“Things are going way too fast between Josh and me,” I let out with a sigh. “I’m trying to slow down, but I feel like I’ve hurt him and I just can’t lose him and soon we’ll be separated and I don’t know what’s gonna happen and-“

“Woah, you need to slow down, it’s real,” Justine laughs. She quickly takes on a more serious expression. “How long since you’ve seen the doctor last, Jen?”

“Why do you wanna know that?”

“The last time I saw you so anxious, your medication wasn’t appropriate anymore.”

“Maybe there’s a little to do with that. But I’m just scared of what will happen in the future. I don’t wanna lose Josh, but I don’t wanna pass the opportunity of having something with him, you know?”

She smiles.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do. I’ve known that for a while. But it’s like he still doesn’t believe it, or he doesn’t trust me not to go back to Nick when we start filming together in a few months.”

“Ahhhh, that’s the reason why you’re so torn,” she figures. “A few weeks ago, you seemed so set on never having anything to do with him ever again,” she reminds me. “What changed?”

I take the time to think before answering.

“I realized I love Josh for the same reasons I loved Nick at first.”

“And so you’re scared it will end the same way.”

“Exactly.”

“You may love him for the same reasons, but Josh ain’t Nick, Jen,” she sighs. “Why did you break up with him in the first place?”

It takes me a while to think before answering, but when I do, it all comes out in a rush.

“Because I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. Because he was infuriating me with the way he wanted to control my life. Because I couldn’t stand to hear him insult Josh.”

“And?”

I sigh.

“Because I was in love with Josh.”

“See? Can you ever imagine Josh trying to control your life?”

“No.”

“Can you ever imagine not feeling anything for him anymore, even friendship?”

“No-”

“Can you ever picture him insulting other people about the way they look?”

“Definitely not.”

“Can you ever imagine being in love with another guy?”

“Of course, not, but things change over time.”

“True.” She lowers her voice. “But if you love him so deeply, that bond won’t go away with time. And believe me, if you ever think you don’t love him anymore, reality will catch you soon enough. I can already predict you’ll always long for each other. You think you felt that for Nick... but you’ve never had that hard a time being away from him for a while. With Josh? He stays at his place for one single night and you miss him like crazy, to the point of having a hard time falling asleep!”

She has a point. I already sensed I had never felt what I felt for Josh before, but she’s shedding a whole new light on the matter. I look deeply in her eyes, that show her amusement.

“Will you spend the night with him again tonight?” she teases.

“I don’t know. It will depend on him.”

“Just... make sure he knows how much you care for him.”

“I will.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Jen, Jen, come here!”

I look up to see Sam motioning for me to meet him next to Francis’s chair. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and walk to him. He grabs a bag of candy that’s sitting on the chair and runs towards the Cornucopia, making sure I’m following him all the way there. Josh shows up from the other side and throws us a suspicious look.

“Come on, climb up, I have an idea,” Sam adds with a grin.

Josh helps me up and quickly climbs up after me. We lie down on the cold metal and turn to see Sam following us and sprawling his whole body next to us.

“There. Now they can’t see us. Want some?” he says, handing us the candy bag. I take some jellybeans and Josh grabs a handful of candy that he quickly shoves into his mouth.

“Thanks, man,” he says after swallowing the whole mouthful. “Did you actually steal Francis’s candy?”

Sam winks at Josh and I try to hide my laughter.

The wind picks up a little bit and I shiver. Josh slides closer to me and presses his warm body against mine. It’s not enough to completely warm me up, but it helps. I feel him stretch his arm over my back to take some more candy, and then he starts throwing the candy at the crew working at the bottom of the Cornucopia.

“Hey, what was that?” someone says.

Josh hides his face in my shoulder so they don’t hear his laugh. Sam takes the cue and starts throwing candy as well. Soon, everyone is looking at the top of the Cornucopia, but they can’t see us as we’re hidden by the oddly-shaped curves of the structure.

I turn to Josh and yawn.

“I feel like taking a nap right here, right now,” I say, snuggling closer into his side. “I don’t wanna go back down.”

“Aren’t you cold though?” he replies, his face so close to mine I can almost taste his sweet breath.

“I’m willing to endure the cold if you stay with me,” I whisper.

He smiles and gives me a light kiss, before moving as close to me as he can.

“Five minutes,” he says in a low voice.

“What do you mean?”

“I bet it’s gonna take him five minutes to find us.” He points at Francis, who seems to be looking for something – or rather, someone – by walking and looking everywhere with a confused expression. As he gets closer to the Cornucopia, I can finally hear him clearly.

“Where are they?”

Sam lets out a sound laugh next to me, and everyone looks up at the Cornucopia. Josh finally throws another piece of candy at Francis, who shakes his head with a huge smile.

“Come on guys, get back down, we’re ready to shoot!”

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, when I show up to set with Josh in the morning, it’s even colder. There’s a layer of thin ice covering the Cornucopia and if I wasn’t already wearing a jacket over my costume, I’d be shivering like crazy. Josh takes a deep breath and turns to me.

“Well, it’s gonna be a very pleasant day,” he says.

“And we’re supposed to start filming that spinning Cornucopia thing. Yep, it’s gonna be the best. Can’t wait to be in Hawaii, it’s only been two days but I’ve already had enough of freezing to death every day.”

Josh shakes his head with a smile.

“You stop compl-“ He stops in the middle of his sentence and points at something in the distance. “Look, what’s that?”

I follow his gaze and frown. Near the Cornucopia is a big brown inflated container. A couple of crew men are busy building a tent over it.

“This is for later,” a voice says behind us. Josh and I turn around at the same time to face a smiling Francis. “Pretty cold this morning, right? It won’t be as bad as yesterday, I promise. We’ll have a few heaters on set and this lovely hot tub over there to warm you up when you’re done filming.”

“This is awesome!” I exclaim.

“And I’ve got this for you, for today,” he adds, handing us each a bracelet.

“What is this?” Josh asks, observing the bracelet before putting it on.

“It’s a motion sickness bracelet. It’s supposed to help with the nausea? If you ever need it... the island is gonna spin at about 30 miles per hour so you might need that.”

I try to imagine riding the rotating platform all morning long and I already feel sick.

“Holy shit... okay.”

“Let’s get ready,” Francis says before walking over to the crew mounting the cameras on the set.

I turn to Josh, who’s staring at me with a curious expression.

“What?”

“Come here,” he says in a deep voice. I look around and when I see no one is paying attention to us, I get closer to him. As soon as his hands make contact with my hips, he starts tickling me.

“Josh!” I scream as I’m thrown into an unstoppable fit of laughter. “Stop!”

“Okay, okay,” he replies with a grin, sliding his arms around my waist to pull me to him.

“Josh, there’s people...”

“They’re not looking.”

He leans in and plants a quick but heartfelt kiss on my lips, before grabbing my hand and leading me towards the set.

 

* * *

 

 

The bracelets end up not really making a difference, as I still feel like throwing up as soon as the island starts to spin. I have to hold Jena’s hand strongly, and I can see in her face that she’s feeling as sick as I am. From afar, I see Josh and Sam staring at us with a shit-eating grin; they don’t know yet what awaits them on this platform of hell.

When we’re finally dismissed for a while, I walk to where Josh stands and take a deep breath.

“It’s that bad?” he asks, gently rubbing my back.

“You’ll see for yourself. Yeah, it’s that bad. Good luck.”

“Thank you.”

He winks at me and walks to his spot on the rocky platform. I watch him tie his harness and lie down on the ground. As I start shivering from the cold, Jena walks to me and motions to the hot tub. I guess I deserve it after facing the cold for two hours.

We both jump in and relax in the warm water. As I focus all of my attention on Josh’s muscled body clinging to the spinning island, I feel Jena’s gaze studying me.

“You really love him.”

“I think I do.”

“Then why don’t you make it official?”

I sigh.

“It’s so complicated-“

“What’s complicated? You love him, he’s crazy about you, you’re both single... what’s keeping you?”

I look down and run my hand in the water, creating distracting waves.

“I’m afraid of losing him.”

She shakes her head at me with a small smile, before basically rehashing me the same speech Justine did yesterday. I know all of that, yet I can’t bring myself to take that risk.

At least not yet.

After what feels like hours, I see Josh stand up, remove his harness, and walk to the tub. Jena winks at me and gets out as he joins me in the warm water.

“So?” I ask him with a smile.

“I have to admit it wasn’t very pleasant,” he laughs, getting closer to me. I let him, as there’s still no one around us. “But I endured it as best as I could, cause I wanted to be done early enough to have time to join you here for a while.”

“Oh yeah? And why so?”

“Because I was cold, and the water seemed great,” he starts, swimming even closer to me and sliding an arm behind me. “And you looked mighty fine here.” He moves my body between his legs and wraps his arms around me, pulling my back into his chest. I shiver when I feel the vibration of his voice gently caress my neck. “And it was driving me crazy.”

I drop my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, letting myself forget for a moment that we’re in public and we can be spotted anytime. The warm water combined with the calming sensation of having Josh’s arms around me make me relax and takes away the remnant sensation of nausea I had. I grab his hands and entwine my fingers with his.

“I feel so good,” I whisper in a sigh.

He doesn’t answer straightaway, instead lightly brushing his mouth up my neck. When he finally reaches my ear, he murmurs.

“Me too.”

I slowly open my eyes, take in our relative privacy and turn my face towards his. I see his gaze drop to my mouth before I lightly press my lips against his. He quickly deepens the kiss, and I turn around in his arms to face him more easily. As I abandon myself in his arms, he grabs me and shifts our positions. I open my eyes in surprise and detach myself from him, frowning.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Just in case. It’s easier to hide us if my back is facing them,” he replies, leaning in for another kiss that I can’t help but return eagerly. As his lips pleasantly massage mine and his hands caress my curves under the water, I feel my whole body being invaded by arousing sparks. I wrap my arms tighter around his neck to get closer to him and almost let out a moan when I feel his burgeoning erection graze my intimate parts through the wetsuits. He pulls away and stares at me with a small smile.

“Shhhh,” he says, turning his head to look at the crew packing the cameras away.

“I know,” I reply, letting my hands feel his dry blond locks. He turns to me again and caresses my cheek.

“I want you so badly right now,” he whispers back.

I smile and answer him with another deep kiss. All of a sudden, my heart stops as we’re interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Practicing for the beach scene?”

Josh quickly swims away as we turn to face a grinning, triumphant Sam.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

“Yeah, but we’re lucky it was just you,” Josh says, looking down shyly.

“Honestly... you two are so obvious, everyone working on this movie kinda knows already, you know? So I wouldn’t worry much about it if I were you...” Sam says, jumping in the tub.

I exchange a look with Josh. His lips are pinched in a thin line and he quickly looks away.

“Maybe,” he replies, heading for the stairs to come out of the tub. “But we shouldn’t push our luck.”

 

* * *

 

 

The Cornucopia scenes take a good two weeks to shoot. This is a very physical shoot, and the cold, that seems to get worse with every passing day, isn’t helping much. I get home exhausted at night, and each time, Josh’s warm arms are here to comfort me and help me relax. I try not to think that in a few weeks, that comfort, so readily available to me, will be gone. Even if I wanted to try and spend the most time I could with Josh, I wouldn’t be able to do it as the paps in L.A. are way more aggressive than they are here, and being seen going to his house repeatedly would only fuel rumors I don’t want to be a part of.

I can’t help but dream about it though. I know he’s bought a cozy treehouse earlier this year, and he’s shown me pictures of it. I imagine us watching a movie, cuddling on the sofa of his outdoor terrace. I see us just snuggling in front of the firepit. I picture us cooking together in his narrow kitchen, and then eating together sitting casually at the corner of his dining room table.

I imagine him taking me from behind in his glass shower, with the trees around it giving the illusion of actually showering outside. I dream of sharing his bed in the morning, his comforting arms embracing me, his warm sheets covering me with the sweet scent of his laundry detergent. I could get used to that too.

As we near the end of the shoot here in Atlanta, we’re invited to a huge party for the cast and crew. I had decided to prepare a surprise for my fellow cast and crew members, and so I ordered dozens of mugs with my best derpy face on them to give as souvenirs. I can’t wait to see their faces when they get them.

I’m also excited to leave for Hawaii, even more so given that I’m inviting my whole family with me. I haven’t seen them in a while, and I truly miss them.

The day of the party, I decide to dress casually: a black tank top with a white skirt and simple black flats. I tie my hair into a ponytail and put on just a little bit of make-up. When I’m satisfied with my appearance, I go pace the living room, waiting for the car that will bring me and a few other people – Josh, Andre and Justine – to the club we’ll be partying at.

The car arrives shortly after, and I pick up my purse and cell phone. As I take the phone in my hands, I notice I have a new message. I get out of the house, lock the door and walk to the car. As soon as I sit next to Josh, he leans in to kiss me on the cheek.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers.

“Thank you,” I say with a smile. I take a good look at him: he’s wearing his nicest pair of jeans, but a strange striped t-shirt with a flannel shirt over it. He looks good – even if he’d wear a trash bag, he’d still find a way to look attractive – but his outfit isn’t exactly the most flattering. “Did you pick the first three pieces of clothing you found in your closet?”

“Perhaps!” he laughs. “I don’t really care how I look. As long as it’s clean and comfortable, it’s fine with me.”

I smile and finally take a look at my phone. I stare at it in shock as I see who’s left me the message.

NICK: Sorry to bother you. I want to make our break up official so I can move on. Is it okay with you?

I don’t know what to answer. Josh looks at me with a curious expression.

“Nick wants to let the news of our break up out,” I say in a low voice.

“And you don’t?”

He takes my hand and starts rubbing circles on it. I sigh and look down.

“Let’s just say it was convenient not to have the press on my back about my love life. If they know we’re no longer together... you already know my stance about it.”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe you should tell him.”

I start typing on the phone.

JENNIFER: Is it so urgent? Do you already have someone in mind?

Right after I touch the “Send” button, I curse. I shouldn’t have worded it that way. He doesn’t owe me anything, nor do I owe him anything either. Up to now, the withholding of the information regarding our separation was in our common best interest.

NICK: You don’t have space to judge me here, dear. I know you’ve been screwing Hutcherson for weeks. Maybe months, even.

My heart beats faster. I know I haven’t exactly been hard to figure out in regards to my feelings for Josh in the last few weeks, especially to those close to me, but I didn’t expect Nick to get it so easily. I understand he also assumes I’ve cheated on him, which is not the case, unless you count the few kisses I shared with Josh before the break up became official. I sigh and type back my reply.

JENNIFER: I’ve never cheated on you. If you need the news of our break up to come out so you can date other people, it’s fine with me. But please, if you just want revenge... remember that we were friends before all of that. We have a movie to film together soon. It’d be better if we could stay civil about it.

His answer comes in quickly after.

NICK: Yeah you’re right, we’re filming together in a few months. Things can change until then. I’m not ready to date another girl. I’ll wait before the announcement then.

I blow out a loud sigh of relief.

JENNIFER: Thank you. See you in a few months. Take care.

I turn to Josh, who is looking through the window at the Atlanta skyline.

“Nick is gonna hold off announcing the break up until later.”

“That’s good.”

His voice sounds hollow and sad. I put my hand on his thigh and lean into him.

“We’re gonna have so much fun tonight,” I whisper in his ear.

He turns around and looks at me with a small smile, than leans in to push his lips against mine in a hot, open-mouthed kiss. I let him in my whole mouth, crawling my hands around his body as best as I can in the reclusive space we’re jammed in. His own hands wander on my back, my neck, and back down so he can slide them underneath my top. The contact of his slightly cold fingers on my naked skin makes a bolt of pleasure go through me, and then I break the kiss, panting.

“Keep some for later.”

 

* * *

 

 

I’m a little nervous when we enter the club. There’s gonna be a lot of people in there, and it always makes me somewhat uncomfortable. As soon as we get in, we’re greeted by Sam, Jena, Francis and Woody, who are already holding Champagne glasses. Francis picks two glasses from a table nearby and hands them to Josh and me.

“Hey, you finally made it!” Sam teases us.

“We did! Lots of traffic, you know...” Josh says, looking at me with a wicked smile.

In truth, we just stayed a little longer in the car before getting out, enjoying the little privacy we could have. After we enter the club, we have to go back to being friends and coworkers only, although we probably won’t be able to keep our hands off each other all the time. But the people here are used to it and I still don’t believe they think it’s indicative of anything more than a deep friendship.

I almost wish I could have stayed in the car with Josh the whole night, though. My anxiety is slowly getting out of control these days, and I fear I’ll do or say something I’ll regret later on. And so I quickly gulp the Champagne glass Francis gave me, so I could get a little tipsy as soon as possible. It will help me relax and enjoy my night a little more.

In the corner of my eye, I see Josh doing the same thing. He’s taking advantage of the numerous people in attendance, who make covering his alcohol consumption a lot easier than if he was alone, seeing as he’s still underage for another year. He quickly downs his glass, then picks up two more glasses and hands me one. His eyes sparkle as he looks at me, lifting his glass in a private toast between us both.

“To the amazing work we managed to do on this movie so far,” he says with a chuckle.

“To the fact we actually managed to just film the movie!” I reply with a laugh.

He walks closer to me and we take a gulp at the same time. As the glass leaves his lips, he looks at me intently. I understand what he wants, I want it too – so much – but a quick look around reminds me that we’re not alone.

“We can’t do that here,” I whisper sadly.

“I know.”

He takes a pause and sighs.

“I wish we were September already,” he adds.

I smile at his optimism, before opening my arms to him for a good hug. He immediately responds to my embrace, holding me tightly, the side of his head pressed against mine. I feel his breath on my neck and I shiver, closing my eyes to savour the moment. He runs his hands up and down my back in a seemingly friendly gesture. Anybody looking at us right now would think we’re just two good friends sharing an innocent hug. But we both know the meaning runs much, much deeper than that.

After a while, Josh slowly pulls away, his arms lingering around my waist a little too long. He leans in to speak in my ear.

“I’ve got a surprise for us tonight. Anytime you’re ready to leave, just tell me and we’ll go.”

I nod and smile.

“I don’t intend on staying too long anyway.”

“Hey, Jennifer!” A voice behind me calls. I turn around and find Woody pointing to a man pushing a cart with huge cardboard boxes on it. “What’s this all about?”

I smile and walk to meet him, Josh following me.

“It’s my gift!”

I open the first box, take one of the mugs and examine it. My mouth quickly turns into a smile.

“The picture came out perfectly.”

Josh bursts out laughing.

“Are they all the same?” he asks, taking one in his hands.

“Yep. I figured I should pick my best profile pic, and here it is. There was no way I’d settle for less than the best, so everyone’s got the same.”

I lean in to speak in his ear.

“Although I almost took a nude pic of myself for yours.”

“Jen!”

“Wouldn’t you rather drink from my nude body than my best derpy face?”

He leans in to whisper in my ear.

“I don’t care, as long as you’re sharing your morning coffee with me.”

I look at his teasing eyes, barely shocked by his flirting attitude. I can’t help being seduced by the idea of spending my mornings with him though. I already enjoy immensely the days we wake up sharing the same bed and get ready for work together; it would be even more amazing to be able to continue the trend at home. I sigh.

Before I can reply, his face turns into a subtle sadness only I can catch.

“But it won’t happen. At least not as often as right now. Right?” He says in a low voice.

I swallow heavily, not wanting to hurt him anymore.

“We don’t know yet,” I say weakly.

He shakes his head with a sad smile.

“Anyway... need help distributing the gifts?”

 

* * *

 

 

I spend most of the rest of the night away from Josh, as everybody wants to either have a souvenir pic taken with us, or they want to talk to us and we barely have a minute to ourselves. After a couple of hours of this, and a few more shooters, I finally spot Josh alone and people let me breathe as well. I walk to him clumsily, sneaking my arms around his torso. He barely even flinches, but leans back to talk to me, his lips almost touching my face.

“Hmmmm, risky business here miss Lawrence,” he says with a dreamy smile.

“I don’t care. I missed you. I wanna spend some time with you.”

“Then come here,” he says, turning around in my embrace to take my hand, pick up his beer and lead me, his walk a little tipsy, to a lightly-lighted corner booth around which there are few people. We sit next to each other and he grabs my hand under the table. I stare at his eyes and see something I didn’t quite expect. Shame.

“Josh? What’s wrong?”

Looking away from me, he takes a gulp of his beer, puts the bottle back on the table and clears his throat. He stretches his whole body as if he was getting ready to admit something very serious, and then he finally finds the courage to look me in the eyes.

“I’m set to leave for Panama at the beginning of March. The shoot should go through June.”

I frown as my alcohol-filled mind slowly computes the implications of what he just said. The beginning of March? That means he’s supposed to leave right after the Oscars. With the way my Oscar campaign is shaping up, I will barely have any free time until the big ceremony. I thought we’d be able to spend some time together before he leaves... but that obviously won’t be possible. Suddenly, my throat gets dry and my heart starts beating faster. A deep sense of anxiety fills me up, and I tighten my grip around Josh’s hand. He looks down at the table, then back up into my glassy eyes.

“You seem pretty shocked,” he remarks. “Why?”

“Because I was kinda hoping we’d get some more time together before you leave,” I admit with a heavy heart. “If, like everybody seems to think, I’m being nominated at the Oscars, we won’t have time to see each other in January/February.”

“I guess that will be your real test,” he mutters. “You’ll find out if you really care about me.”

“Josh!”

Alcohol is definitely making him more melancholic tonight. I reach closer to him and drop my head on his shoulder. I see people looking at us in the distance but in this moment, in my bubble with Josh, I absolutely don’t care. Our hands are still entwined, resting on my thigh. He runs his thumb over the back of my hand absent-mindedly.

“I don’t need to be away from you to know that I care about you.”

He takes a breath as if he wanted to start an argument, but I quickly lift my head from his shoulder and push my lips against his. At first, he’s too stunned to properly return the kiss, but after a few seconds, I feel his hands cup my face and his tongue insistently lick my lips. I slowly open my mouth to let him in, and he lets his hand wander down my back to lift me up onto his lap. I look down at him and run my hands along the side of his jaw, still leading the kiss. I feel him sigh in my mouth as he holds me in place and lets his tongue tickle mine. I feel a rush of arousal go through me and suddenly get dizzy, probably from the mix of alcohol and pleasure. Suddenly, we hear someone clear their throat next to us. I immediately pull away from Josh’s mouth and we both lift our head in the same direction at the same time.

“Not that I care, but you should consider getting yourselves a room,” Woody says with a huge grin. “Even more if you intend on keeping this secret that everybody knows about, secret.”

“How do you know that everybody knows about us?” I ask, shocked.

“Your behavior keeps giving you away!” He laughs. “You guys leave and arrive on set at the same time. You keep sneaking to your trailer or to a corner of the set to kiss and make out when you’re on break and you think no one is looking. You act around each other like an old couple...”

I exchange a look with Josh, who’s shaking his head, hiding his laughter.

“And now, you’re making out in front of everybody. Way to go for keeping it a secret!”

“You’re right, Woody, we should be more careful,” Josh says, putting me back down on the seat. I try to hide my disappointment; Josh’s thighs are way more comfortable than the old fake leather cushions of the booth. I lean down to speak into Josh’s ear.

“Does your offer still stand?” I ask softly.

“Of course it does,” he replies. “You wanna go now?”

“I want us to get a room.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Josh’s POV**

As soon as we’re out of the car, we run to the door of Jen’s house. She struggles with finding her keys in her purse as I cover the side of her neck with open-mouthed kisses, all the way down to her shoulder. She finally opens the door and I quickly follow her inside. As soon as I close the door, I turn around and slide my arms around her, crashing my lips against hers in a furious kiss that she returns eagerly, pulling me to the kitchen and dropping the keys in a bowl in passing. She halts when her butt hits the side of the dining room table, and I quickly lift her to place her on top of it without ever leaving the comfort of her soft lips. She moans as I let my mouth explore her throat, down to her collarbone. I feel her hands lightly caress my shoulder muscles as she drops her head to the side to give me better access to her neck. I nibble on her soft skin, pushing her body into mine at the same time. Her hands drop to the hem of my shirt, and I quickly remove both the flannel and the t-shirt in one swift movement. As she starts running her hands up and down my chest, I look her straight in the eyes and smile, overwhelmed by a mix of emotions, arousal and alcohol. She returns the smile with a gaze loaded with lust.

“I love you,” I whisper, lightly pecking her lips and tugging on the material of her tank top.

“I love you,” she simply replies, removing the shirt delicately.

As I take in her chest, I deeply exhale. Her perfect breasts look like they’re inviting me to cherish them, and so I bend down and start caressing one of them while I eagerly suck and lick the other one. She arches her back to get closer to me and starts running her hands through my hair, massaging my scalp in gentle motions.

I can’t get enough of the taste of her skin. I let my lips travel back up to her mouth and kiss her again, her hands still in my hair and mine wandering around to her back. She suddenly breaks the kiss and hugs me tightly. I breathe in her scent and sigh against the skin of her neck. As she runs her hands up and down my back, shooting bolts of pleasure all throughout my body, I feel strangely satisfied, as if I had achieved what I wanted. In this perfect moment, we’re together, with no one to interrupt us, and it’s like all our issues have just vanished. I don’t care anymore about how she wants to label our relationship. I really feel that she’s telling me without words what I need to hear.

As I start to find myself truly uncomfortable in my pants because of my growing erection, I stop to take my pants off. She takes advantage of the few seconds I let go of her body to do the same, revealing delicate black lacy panties underneath her jeans. She tugs on my boxers to remove them and take a hold of my swollen cock. I gasp when she starts pumping her hand up and down my length, and I have to hold on to her to steady my legs.

I pull her panties aside to rub circles on her clit. She straightens up in surprise at first, before relaxing and sighing in appreciation. As I collect her juices to coat her bundle of nerves and increase her sensations, she keeps running her hand around my cock, rubbing her thumb at the tip any chance she gets, pushing me closer and closer to completion. As I lightly push a finger inside her, she looks at me with a deep smile, lets go of my cock and leans down on her elbows, waiting for my next move.

I push her panties away and align myself with her entrance. As our bodies finally connect and I stare at her loving eyes, a feeling of happiness fills me, and in this moment, it feels like nothing could ever separate us. She truly is my soul mate. The woman I want by my side for my whole life. The woman I will always love deep down inside, no matter what choices we make in the future.

I try not to think of serious matters as I start thrusting into her gently, then a little faster in response to her moans of pleasure. I lean down to plant a kiss on her delicate lips. When the delicious friction starts causing intense sensations that threaten to push me over the edge too soon, I slow down my pace, taking on to licking and sucking the soft flesh of her neck, just below her ear.

“Josh...” she whispers, her eyes closed, savouring the moment.

I pick up some speed to please her. She finally lets her whole upper body rest on the table and ties her arms to my neck, bringing our bodies even closer. The feeling of her warm skin against my torso makes my heart throb even more.

She smashes her lips against mine in an open-mouthed kiss that I welcome eagerly. The movement of her tongue stroking mine provides some sort of distraction from my imminent release for a short while. I look down to our joined bodies and slip a hand down below, reaching out for her clit to stroke it in rhythm with my thrusts. She lets out a whimper that I swallow with a kiss. I feel her tighten her walls around my cock, and understand she’s getting closer to her orgasm. I smile against her lips and increase the pressure on her clit, which makes her gasp.

“Do you like that?” I ask her in a low voice. I still have so much stuff to learn on how to pleasure her in the best way.

“I love it. Oh God, Josh, you’re gonna make me come. Keep going,” she replies, her hands traveling down my back to graze my sides.

I take a deep breath and increase the speed of my thrusts, until I can’t hold on anymore. I let out a low grunt while I sense my cock pulse inside her with my load coming out. I feel her walls clench around my dick not too long after and she moans loudly as her own climax washes over her.

As I steady my breath and heart beat, she straightens up, wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her for a sweet kiss.

When she pulls away, I plunge my gaze into hers, noticing a hint of sadness in her blue eyes. I gently caress her cheek and she leans into my hand.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask in a soft voice.

“I’m so confused, Josh. One day, I feel like I will never want anything other than spend my whole life in your arms, and other days, I fear that when we’re away from each other and we go back to our usual lives, we drift apart like it did with Nick and it breaks our friendship forever.”

“You know that you can count on me, right? I’ll never let you down. Never,” I whisper, pecking her lips lightly.

“Yeah. I know.”

“And you can take as much time as you need to figure out what you truly want. I won’t hold it against you. But for now, let’s just enjoy each other, okay?”

She nods, looking down.

“You’re right.”

She slides back down to the floor and leads me to the bathroom, where we shower together, exchanging sweet kisses and sensual soapy caresses under the water. After, as I watch her drying her body under the bathroom light, I sigh, thinking there’s no way I’ll ever have enough of her. But I have to start to get ready for the worst: her leaving me when we go back to our regular lives after the shoot. I can’t afford to be a mess if it ever happens.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, I’m woken up by the sensation of wet kisses being placed all over my chest and soft hair tickling my skin. I slowly open my eyes and look down to find Jennifer actively working on driving me crazy. I lift my hand to stroke her naked back and yawn.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” she says in a low, sensual voice.

“Good morning, lovely lady,” I reply, playing with her soft hair.

“You still owe me a surprise,” she whispers, crossing her leg over my waist to lie down on my chest.

“You remember that?”

“Of course I do. Or was that amazing fuck on the table from last night the surprise?”

She raises her head up to stare at me with a teasing smile.

“Were you really surprised by it?” I ask with a chuckle.

“Not really,” she replies, gently stroking my cheek with her finger. I take her other hand and place a kiss on her palm.

“So it wasn’t that. Keep guessing.”

She drops her head in the hollow of my neck and traces circles on my chest. I run my hand up and down her back and kiss the side of her head with a sigh.

“I have no idea,” she admits.

“I had this gift from my birthday that I still haven’t used,” I say softly. “A gift from Woody. He specifically asked me to wait for a special occasion in pleasant company to use it. I thought last night was a good one for that... but then we got carried away and I totally forgot!”

She lifts her head up and looks at me, an even bigger smile lighting up her whole face.

“Oh, I think I may have an idea now...” she starts, trailing her fingers over my cheek. “How about we enjoy it tonight? Let’s have a private date here. You cook us some food, we eat outside on the balcony and pretend to be at the restaurant. Let’s have a nice bottle of wine, and watch a movie just as if we were at the theater. And then, let’s smoke that stuff and enjoy the side effects.”

“That sounds like a good plan, actually. What are you doing today?”

“I don’t know yet... what are you doing?”

“I’ve got nothing planned either.”

“Do you want to do something?” she asks, slowly kissing my neck.

“No.” I chuckle. “I just wanna spend the whole day in bed with you. What about this?”

“I’m on board for that,” she replies, still peppering my neck with kisses that are quickly driving me crazy with desire for her. “But... my stomach isn’t! I’m so hungry... aren’t you?”

“I’m hungry for you,” I say huskily, bringing my lips to hers in a sensual kiss that she quickly interrupts.

“You’re so cheesy, Josh, sometimes,” she chuckles. “But that’s part of your charm.”

She sighs and slides her body down a little bit to rub her center on my hard-on. I gasp at the unexpected sensation, before wrapping my arms around her to stroke her back.

“You make me feel so good, Josh,” she whispers, the air that she blows out on my neck making my skin tingle.

I close my eyes, my heart about to burst from happiness. As I feel her nibble on my earlobe, I let my hands slide down her body to cup her ass. I gently tease her folds with my cock before she straightens up, lifts herself up and sinks down on it to ride me. As I take in her toned body fucking me from above, I swallow heavily, grip her hips and push into her on my own repeatedly. Her nice, rounded breasts bounce in rhythm, and the sight is almost enough to make me come on the spot. She can’t hold a loud moan, which increases my arousal even more. The sound of her flesh hitting mine combined with our panting and shared moans resonate all over the empty house.

“Whoa, slow down, love, I won’t last much longer if you-“

She bends over and whispers in my ear.

“Go ahead, honey.”

Her words, combined with the vibrant sensations her moves rouse in my whole body, finally push me over the edge. I cry out in pleasure, stilling her from moving on top of me any further. I close my eyes tightly, letting my orgasm ride over me. When I open my eyes, she’s looking at me, her face hovering inches from mine, a tender gaze resting upon me.

It’s ironic that she’s so unsure about pursuing a romantic relationship with me, yet I’ve never felt more loved than in this moment.

She lightly kisses my lips, before rolling away from me. I turn towards her, my fingers ghosting her side all the way down to her thigh. I lightly push her body so that she’s resting on her back and let my hand wander from her thigh to her core. When I push my fingers where my cock was filling her only a moment earlier, she smiles. I lean in to capture her lips, as I pump my fingers in rhythm with my thumb teasing her clit. She whimpers, and quickly after, I feel her walls clench against my hand almost painfully hard. I smile and kiss the space where her neck and shoulder connect, before taking my fingers out of her vagina and resting my head against hers. She breathes heavily and turns to me.

“Let’s go eat. I can’t stand it anymore,” she says with a laugh.

 

* * *

 

 

We end up spending most of the day shopping and watching TV, snuggled on the couch. As much as I’d like to make love to her all day, I also enjoy those little moments of just being close to one another, talking about anything or just relaxing in each other’s embrace. After all our hard work these last few weeks, I’ve never seen Jen so relaxed and cheerful. At night, after we enjoy our little home date of dinner and movie, I finally get the joints Woody gave me for my birthday, hand one to Jen and light it up. She takes a puff and hands it to me with a smile.

“It’s nice of you to share with me,” she says with a wink.

“I wouldn’t want to share it with anybody else,” I reply. “And it’s pretty depressing to smoke this stuff alone.”

“True.”

I give her the joint back and she takes another puff. We keep exchanging the joint back and forth until there’s barely anything left. I already feel more relaxed, and Jennifer obviously also feels the effects because she snuggles in closer to me and starts caressing my chest obsessively.

“Take off your shirt,” she asks suddenly in a surprisingly authoritative tone.

I smile at her and quickly pull my t-shirt over my head. She strokes my chest hair and sighs contentedly.

“Your chest hair is so soft. I could run my hands in it all day long.”

I don’t answer, only kissing the top of her head. The smell of her shampoo invades my nostrils, and I hide my face in her hair to enjoy the scent even more.

“Did I ever tell you that you’re like a bear?” she says, looking up at me with a smile.

“Nope, first time I hear that. Is that supposed to be a good thing?” I chuckle.

“It’s a very good thing,” she replies, leaving kisses all over the expanse of my chest. “You’re strong, you’re cuddly, and you’re cute. Yep, a teddy bear.”

I slide my hand under her tank top to feel the skin of her back. She murmurs, just loud enough that I can hear her voice.

“You’re my teddy bear.”

I smile and lean in to whisper in her ear.

“Always.”

She lifts her head up and returns my smile before resuming her kissing down my chest all the way to my belly button. I lose my hands in her fluffy dark hair as she pops open the button of my jeans and slides down the zipper. With her help, I quickly remove the rest of my clothes, sitting stark naked before her. Between the sight of her on top of me and her heated kisses, I’m already hard.

She’s driving me insane with lust as she continues running her hands and mouth all over my torso, from my navel to my waiting cock. The feeling of her skin rubbing against mine, and her delicate touch as she teasingly grabs my length while staring at me, seem to be magnified tenfold.

At last, she lowers her mouth to my dick, licking the tip with a mischievous smile. I cry out when her lips make contact with my flesh, the pleasure quickly spreading all over my body. When she finally pushes my cock inside her mouth as deep as she can take it, I almost lose it. She’s given me plenty of blow jobs since we started being intimate a month ago, but this time, I really feel like she’s doing magic with her mouth.

She looks up at me with a wicked smile, before pushing my length down her throat once again, making me shudder in pleasure.

“Oh, Jen...” I murmur, stroking her hair as she bobs her head up and down, sucking my cock impossibly harder. “Keep going. You’re so good.”

She pops my dick out of her mouth and winks.

“I know.”

I chuckle. She pumps her hand fast around my length and grabs my balls to lick them carefully. I flinch a little on the couch, trying to find a way to make myself more comfortable as she’s driving me seriously close to completion. She licks a path on the underside of my dick, and then shoves it back into her mouth, slightly grazing my skin with her teeth.

“Jen, I’m gonna-“

“Come for me, honey bear,” she says with a smile, plunging my throbbing cock into her mouth one last time.

“I can’t hold back anymore... Jen...”

She hums in response, and as I let myself come into her mouth, the blissful sensation of my orgasm invading my whole being, she keeps her lips around my cock until she’s swallowed every last drop.

I take a deep breath, and she slides over my body to straddle me. I sit up, grab her hips and rest my head on her chest. The effects of my orgasm are still rolling over me like a tidal wave, and I wish I could stay there in her arms forever. She plays with the hair at the nape of my neck, her head resting on top of mine in a close embrace.

“I feel like I’m in a dream,” I admit softly.

“I feel the same,” she says.

“Lie down,” I order her.

There’s no way I won’t reciprocate for that heavenly orgasm she just gave me. I help her lift her tank top over her head and pull her pants back down, along with her panties. She lies down on the couch in front of me, and I immediately start kissing and gently sucking on her neck, alternating with hot blows of air on her sensitive skin. As I trail a path of warm kisses down her perfect chest, stopping only to devour her round breasts, she responds by arching her back to get closer to me and grabbing fistfuls of my hair, effectively grounding me into her.

I take one of her nipples in my mouth and suck it lightly. It feels like her skin tastes like vanilla and it’s driving me crazy. I run my hands all over her chest, nibbling on her breast without stopping. She whimpers under my touch, which makes my heart swell with pride.

“Oh yes, Josh...” She moans. “I love having your mouth all over me.”

“I know?” I tease her, looking up to her eyes and winking. “Does smoking make you more prone to dirty talking?”

“Me, dirty talking?” she laughs and makes a fake disdainful face. “Nope, not my thing.”

“We’ll see.”

I continue my journey down her body by reaching her hips and running my hands over her hipbones, my tongue still licking its way to her core. As I reach her pubis, I lift one of her legs over my shoulder to get better access and delicately part her folds with my fingers. As soon as I plant the first kiss on her clit, she bolts up like I’ve pinched her or something.

“Are you okay?” I ask with a smile.

“It’s okay,” she answers, a little out of breath. “It’s just much more sensitive than usual. I was anticipating your mouth down there a little too much,” she explains in a low voice. “Keep going, I’m ready.”

I nod and lap softly at her clit, eliciting another moan from that woman I so deeply love. I enjoy hearing the effects my motions have on her more than anything else. As I press lightly on her hipbone to steady her, she covers my hand with hers in what feels to me like a very intimate gesture.

I lift my eyes to look at her. She’s so beautiful, with her loose brown hair splayed out around her head and her eyes closed in delight. I think that I’ll never, ever get used to this. As I start sucking harder on her bundle of nerves, she whimpers.

“Oh God, Josh... this is so good.”

I hum loudly on her skin, creating a deep vibration that makes her writhe under my touch. The particular taste of her juices overwhelms my senses as I greedily eat her pussy, and I feel myself grow hard again.  I run a finger down her folds until I reach her entrance. As I slowly push it inside, followed by a second one, and start pumping in time with my suckling on her clit, I feel her almost lose it. She lets out a series of moans of pleasure, gripping my hand almost painfully as she arches her body, trying to get her core as close to my face as possible.

“Josh... Josh!”

“Let it go, love,” I say softly, pushing faster into her vagina as I increase the pressure of my lips on her clit. A few seconds later, I sense her walls start to clench around my fingers, as if she was trying to sweep me away with her in the depth of her orgasm. I entwine my fingers with hers, wipe my mouth on the back of my other hand, stand up and sit next to her, pulling her body into my side.

“It was so much better than usual,” she says with a smile.

It wasn’t the first time I went down on her, but it was the first time I did it while we were both high as fuck.

“I think I loved it even more than if we’d fucked,” I admit.

“Yeah... it was so much more... pleasurable,” she adds. “Not that I don’t like fucking...”

“Yeah, you’d better...”

She pecks my lips softly and sighs.

“Wanna eat now?”

I chuckle and nod to her, before getting up, grabbing my boxers from the floor and putting them back on.

I walk to the kitchen to wash my hands and prepare some food. She follows me quickly, wrapping her arms around my torso from behind as I attempt to cut some bread. She presses her naked body against the skin of my back and I shudder. I turn around and take her in my arms, our foreheads resting against one another.

“You really can’t keep your hands off me, can you?” I laugh.

“You’re right, I just can’t. You’re too comfy, sorry.”

“How am I supposed to prepare your food if you keep distracting me?” I ask with a wink.

“It’s getting too complicated,” she says, taking a piece of the bread and just putting it in her mouth. “Did you put butter on it?” she adds, her mouth full.

“Nope. Didn’t have time before you jumped on me.”

“It really tastes like butter!” She insists, barely containing her laughter.

“Awww, you’ve got the munchies, love.” I smile.

“Yeah, it must be that. Taste it!”

She grabs another piece of bread and shoves it in my open mouth. As I chew, the flavors explode in my mouth. Not bad for simple bread.

“Yeah, it’s good,” I say.

Jennifer picks one more piece of the bread and smiles.

“What?”

“Now you only need to toast them, we feed them to each other and...”

“Aaaaack!” we shout at the same time, pointing to our ring fingers, both of us bursting out laughing.

We used to tease each other on set with this constantly when we filmed the first movie. We were always picking on each other, and when we wanted to annoy the other one, we’d point at our ring finger and yell “Aaaaack!” as if we were ashamed to get married to each other. I try not to see a deeper meaning – the thought that in real life, she would be appalled to marry me, hence the disgust sound and expression - behind that running joke of ours, as Jen has probably always just meant it to be that, a joke.

“Yep, we’d be married as per the traditions of Panem!” she finally manages to say in the middle of her laughs.

“Wouldn’t you mind being married to me though?” I ask, hiding my hope as best as I can.

She whispers in my ear.

“Take notes. I’d be honored to be married to you.”

My whole body stiffens in response. I have no idea how much of it is the buzz created by the weed and how much comes from the truth, but I’d still like to believe that she means it, at least in part. I grab her face in my hands and kiss her languidly.

“It’s all written down in my head already,” I murmur.

 

* * *

 

A couple of days later, Andre and I pack our stuff to leave Atlanta for good. I haven’t seen Jennifer since I left her house yesterday morning. I miss her like crazy, but I’m also looking forward to seeing my family soon.

First, I have to fly to New York for some scheduled TV appearances to promote _Red Dawn_ , and a few days later, I’m heading to Cincinnati to spend some time with my family back in Kentucky to celebrate Thanksgiving. That gives me a little more than a week off before flying to Hawaii for the remainder of the shoot. And that means a whole week away from Jennifer as well. I survived way longer than that without seeing her - without even so much as talking to her on the phone, really - but given our recent proximity, this is gonna be a whole lot harder now.

Andre is almost done packing the kitchen as I get my suitcases out of my bedroom and into the living room, ready to be picked up by the traveling assistant. I sigh and take a look at the place where I’ve barely lived for the last three months. Time really passed by in a blur, and it turns out I ended up spending way more time at Jennifer’s place than my own. They should have rented a single house for us both, in the end. But then again, we wouldn’t have had the privacy we had as Andre would have been living with us, and they couldn’t know Jen would break up with her boyfriend. Having Nick visit her while I was sharing her house would have been awkward and painful.

I’m glad we’ve been granted separate houses in Hawaii as well. It’s probably gonna be easier to find our own private space if we can send our assistants together in an extra house. As I had predicted, Justine and Andre became friends, so Jennifer and I will most likely be able to spend time together without feeling guilty of neglecting our best friends.

The traveling assistant arrives at the house, quickly picks up the suitcases and I help him carry them to the car. When we’re done and ready to leave, I ask to drop by Jennifer’s house. I know she’s still there; she texted me this morning to let me know when she was scheduled to board her flight. She’s on a totally different trip from mine: she’s heading first to L.A., where she has a few TV appearances and screenings of her own movie _Silver Linings Playbook_ to attend, and then she’ll fly with her family to Hawaii.

As we stop in her driveway, I walk to the stairs, climb them up and ring the bell. She doesn’t waste time before opening the door. I come in and she closes the door behind me. I turn around and look her in the eyes, before she pulls me into her body, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck.

“I’ll miss you so much, Josh,” she says softly.

“I know. I’ll miss you too. But it’s barely more than a week, right? And we’ll text. You better be ready cause it’s gonna be a text war.”

“I’m ready,” she laughs.

I kiss her lightly.

“I just wanted to say goodbye before leaving. I’m ready to head to the airport. I wish you could come with me to the terminal...”

I look down sadly.

“...But I know you can’t. It’s okay.”

I pause and look back up into her longing-filled eyes, a half-smile at the corner of my lips.

 “Maybe one day you will.”

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I never thought I’d find seeing Josh go so hard. After all the time we have spent together these last few weeks, I’ve gotten used to his constant presence in my life and I feel like I’m going back to my old life, a life where I’m not sure I belong anymore.

Granted, we will be separated for only a little more than a week, but it still makes me incredibly sad and anxious.

My own flight is a couple of hours after Josh’s, so I take my time to pick up my stuff. Justine comes to help pack my bags and keep me company while we wait for the car to pick us up for the ride to the airport.

“Isn’t Josh coming home on the same flight as you?” she asks innocently.

“No,” I sigh. “He’s got to be in New York to do promotion for his new movie. He won’t go back to L.A. until we come back from Hawaii. He’s spending Thanksgiving with his family in Kentucky.”

I look at her and realize she’s staring at me with a smile.

“What?” I ask in an exasperated tone.

“You sound so upset. It’s only a week, Jen.”

“I know! I’m not upset!” I reply forcefully.

She shakes her head, still sporting that annoying smile. I have to admit that she’s right, to some extent.

“Okay, I already miss him. It’s gonna be a long week. But I’ll survive.”

“You’ll be so busy with the screenings, the interviews, and your family, you won’t even have time to think about him.”

I stop and look down, lost deep down in my thoughts. I sigh and give her a pointed look.

“I don’t think so, Ju.”

“Did you make it official between you two yet?”

“Not yet,” I let out in a low voice.

“Not yet?” Her eyes widen in disbelief. “What are you waiting for? You’re obviously mad about him...”

“I know... but I’m not ready.”

“You’re kidding yourself, Jen, you know that? You’ve already gone way too far with him to ever decide that he’s not the one for you. If you already think you’re going to break up or something, don’t let him get attached, he doesn’t deserve that...”

I look down, tears pooling behind my closed eyelids. I drop to the floor and take my head in my hands. Justine sits next to me, snaking her arm around my shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“You must find me so annoying, right?” I ask in a broken voice.

“No. Just confused and stubborn.”

I smile amidst my tears.

“I love him. I really do. He makes me so happy every time I see him. And I long for him when we’re apart. I love waking up in his arms, hugging him while he cooks, watching him read a script. He’s just amazing, you know? And he’s always been a wonderful friend. One of the only friends I’ve never been afraid to talk to about my issues.”

I pause, taking a deep breath and wiping the tears away.

“I don’t want to lose him. And I’m scared that I’ll do just that if it doesn’t work out.”

I slowly turn to face her. She gives me an understanding smile.

“You deserve happiness, Jen. And the way you talk about him... he’s giving you just that. What you’re telling me... it’s your anxiety speaking, Jen. You can’t deny yourself happiness just on the premise that something bad could happen. You have to take that kind of risk sometimes.”

“I know... but I still don’t think I’m ready. It hasn’t been a long time since I broke up with Nick. I think it’s better to wait until I’m done filming _X-Men_ and see where we stand.”

“That’s a good idea. Except that he’s getting more attached to you. And you’re getting attached to him as well. Don’t you think you might be setting yourselves up for heartbreak?”

“I can’t help it, Ju...” I sigh. “I lose all my means when I’m around him. He has this way of attracting me to him, all the time...”

“Maybe you just need comfort and you’re confusing it with love?”

“Maybe. I guess we’ll see what happens when we’re done filming our movies this summer.”

“What will you do in Hawaii? Will you still spend all your free time with him?”

“I think so.” I smile. “We’ll make the most of the time we still have together before award season.”

 

* * *

 

The vibration of my cell phone wakes me up on the plane. I take it out of my pocket and smile.

JOSH: I hereby declare text war on you! Successful landing in NYC.  Counting the days before we meet again. Miss you.

A nice warmth fills my whole being just by thinking about him. Before I have the time to reply, I receive a notification for another message. This time, he has sent me a photo of him at the airport, his grin lighting up the picture. I smile in return and start typing my answer.

JENNIFER: I’m glad you made it okay. You know I’m gonna win this thing. I’m on the plane right now, should land in 45 minutes or so. I miss you too, oh so much. How many days until you make it to Hawaii?

I close my eyes and picture his smiling face. The answer comes in quickly.

JOSH: 9 days. I’ll be there on Monday. That should give you a nice break from my annoying self.

I shake my head, even though he can’t see me.

JENNIFER: I wish you were here with me. This is gonna be so crazy. I have no day off.

JOSH: When can I laugh at your face on TV?

JENNIFER: Monday night, I’m on Jay Leno. And Ellen on Wednesday. You choose.

JOSH: I’ll watch them all. Will you watch me on Letterman Tuesday night?

JENNIFER: Of course I will. No way I’m gonna miss watching your pretty face on screen. You better dress up, Hutch.

JOSH: I thought you trusted me more than that.

JENNIFER: I don’t know...you told me as long as it’s clean, you don’t care if it matches.

JOSH: I didn’t think you were paying attention.

JENNIFER: I’m always paying attention to you.

JOSH: Yeah, right. My lift is here, I have to go. Talk to you soon. I love you.

I smile at the screen and reply.

JENNIFER: I love you too. Can’t wait to talk to you again.

I put my phone back in my pocket, take a deep breath and close my eyes to keep napping. Justine is still sleeping soundly next to me.

As I drift off to sleep, I feel my phone buzz once again. Confused, I take it and freeze when I see the ID of the sender.

NICK: I heard you were back in L.A. for some time. Can you give me a little spot in your schedule please? So we could take a coffee or something. You were right the other day, we were friends, we should be able to get along on set next spring.

My heart starts beating faster, nervousness invading my whole being. I didn’t expect that kind of request from him, not at this point anyway. Not at all. But in a way, he’s right, we should clear things up as soon as possible. And as soon as I’m freed from this, it should help ease the stress off my shoulders.

JENNIFER: Ok. I’m landing in L.A in 30 mins. Think you can meet me at my place at 4?

NICK: Sure. I’ll be there. See you later.

I don’t bother replying and put my phone back in my pocket, sighing. Suddenly, I’m not looking forward to touching ground anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

The driver drops me at my place along with my luggage a good hour before the time I asked Nick to show up for our talk. I don’t even bother unpacking as I’m leaving for Hawaii in less than a week. I take my phone and stare at the picture Josh just sent me while I was on the plane. If I felt a little sad getting in here, seeing his smile is enough for my mood to shoot back up. I text him to let him know I’m safely in. He replies quickly.

JOSH: Any plans for tonight? I’m so bored in my hotel room at the moment. Wanna Facetime?

My heart tightens in my chest. I don’t know why. Nick is coming here in a few minutes, but it’s not like I have any intention of getting back with him. We’re just gonna talk. But it doesn’t help that I’m feeling uncomfortable with meeting him so soon after we broke up and I almost gave in to a relationship with Josh. I decide to be transparent, even though I know that from Josh’s perspective, it’s probably gonna look bad.

JENNIFER: Nick is coming here in a few. We have to clear things up so it doesn’t get nasty when we film together next year. I wish you were here with me though.

I put the phone on the counter and take my face in my hands, tears burning my eyelids. I know he’ll be hurt, he won’t understand, and to be honest, since I don’t know exactly what seeing Nick is gonna do to me, I’m afraid his fear won’t be totally unwarranted. When the phone buzzes back with the answer, I brace myself for his reaction.

JOSH: I see. Well, enjoy your night.

I feel a stab of pain in my chest. It hurts almost more to see him react that way, impassibly, as if he was accepting my deception and really wishing me well. The thing is that I think he truly is. From the beginning, he’s kept this idea in the back of his head that he was just a fling for me, that I would go back to Nick as soon as the opportunity got to me. He must be thinking that today is the day.

I feel a tear go down my cheek and I wipe it immediately. I stare at my screen, not knowing what to answer. I eventually hear a knock on the door and have to send a quick reply.

JENNIFER: Nick is here. I’ll talk to you later ok?

I place the phone on the counter and walk to the door. I open it and let Nick come in. I close the door behind him and turn to face him. There is a pregnant pause before I finally manage to greet him.

“Hi.” I say in a low voice.

“Hi.” He replies, leaning down to kiss my cheeks. I’m surprised at first, but then I remember that there’s nothing romantic in that gesture. I stare at his eyes, not knowing what to say. The loud vibration of my phone on the kitchen counter finally breaks the awkward silence. I invite Nick to sit at the dining room table while I take a look at my phone and prepare the coffee. When I unlock the screen and see the message, my heart gets heavy.

JOSH: Don’t bother, I won’t be up anyway. I’m pretty tired so I’ll go to sleep early. Good night.

I don’t want to leave him on these assumptions, but at the same time, I don’t want to start on a long text message conversation with Josh before my ex nor do I fancy having a vocal conversation in front of him. Still, I decide that I just can’t leave things like that, so I tell Nick to wait for me and I lock myself in my room with my phone. I pick Josh’s number in my contact list and touch the “Call” icon, trembling with fear.

As I wait for him to pick up, I nibble on my nails. After a few rings, the voicemail kicks in. I sigh and hang up, then call again, giving him a chance to pick up the phone in the case he was just too far to get it before it went to voicemail the first time. As I start hearing his recorded voice again, it hits me that he’s probably not answering on purpose. As I listen to his lovely voice instructing people to leave him a message, I try to figure out what I want to tell him, but the fact that I just feel like bursting out crying doesn’t help clear my thoughts. When I hear the beeping sound at the end of his message, I take a deep breath and attempt to express what I need to tell him.

“Josh, I’m sorry. It’s not what you think. There’s nothing between Nick and I anymore, and that won’t change. I accepted his offer only because I wanted to get this out of the way as soon as possible, and it was easier to do it now that we’re both in L.A. instead of waiting and never being in the same place at the same time. I know you understand that in a perfect world, he’d still be a good friend of mine, so that we can actually get along on the set of our movie. That’s all there is, Josh. I really miss you, and to be honest, I’d rather share that Facetime date with you than be stuck here with him in my kitchen. But some things have to be done. I can’t wait to talk to you again. I can’t wait to see you again. I can’t wait to feel your warmth, to smell your scent, to taste your lips... You’re the only one I want, Josh. “

I pause, overwhelmed by the desire and longing I feel for him.

“I love you,” I say, my voice almost breaking. “Talk to you later.”

I hang up and run a hand over my face. When I’m confident that my emotions are in tow, I get out of my room and walk to the kitchen, where I start preparing the coffee. I keep the phone in my pocket, but it stays desperately silent. Nick doesn’t say a word, but I feel his gaze on me, watching over all my moves. Once the coffee is ready, I bring the mugs to the table and sit next to him. I stare at the backyard for a while, trying to delay the inevitable look I will have to share with him at some point.

He finally breaks the silence after taking a sip.

“I’m sorry, for the way I acted back in September. That was really shitty of me to demand that you move in with me. And I have to admit that I didn’t pay attention to the signals you were sending me at the time, that you weren’t comfortable with me anymore. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I realized that our break up was mostly my fault, and that I couldn’t let it stay like that.”

I look at him with a frown.

“I’m apologizing for my behavior,” he continues, “and I’m asking you to forgive me.”

I stare at his piercing blue eyes for a moment. He looks honest. I sigh.

“Okay. I’m forgiving you.”

“Alright.”

He covers my hand with his on the table. I slowly slide my hand away from his touch, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

“What are you doing?” I ask, a bit uncomfortable.

“You’ve forgiven me, I take it you’re ready to forget what happened so we can go back to what we had. You can’t possibly want to throw two years of serious dating out of the window like that...”

“Why not?”

“I don’t believe you don’t love me anymore. I can see it in your eyes.”

He says this casually, as if it was just a matter of fact. I look down, my cheeks rapidly getting red. It’s true that seeing him again, in a more relaxed mood, apologizing to me for the shitty things he said and did, is stirring some things inside me. As much as I love Josh, I have to admit that Nick is still having an effect on me. They were both right all along, you don’t wipe out two years of dating in a nutshell.

Yet, I feel like giving in to that attraction is wrong. Not only because I don’t want to hurt Josh by getting back with my ex, but because although we didn’t commit officially, I feel like I belong with Josh now. But Nick knows me too well not to tug on my heartstrings.

“I missed you a lot these last few weeks, Jen,” he adds in a low voice. “A lot. It made me realize things.”

“Like what?”

“That I don’t want to be separated from you anymore.”

And then he takes me totally by surprise and leans in to kiss me. At first, I’m stunned, but I eventually return his kiss, more out of habit rather than true desire. I find that his lips, that should feel like home to me, rather feel foreign on mine now. As he sneaks a hand around my waist to pull me to him, I suddenly get back to my senses and break the kiss, pushing him away firmly.

“What’s wrong, baby?” he asks in a low voice.

“I broke up with you for a reason, Nick. And my forgiving you doesn’t mean I’m ready to get back with you. Actually, don’t wait for me. Move on. That’s what I’m trying to do-“

“So there’s hope?” he asks with a smile. “You said you were trying to move on, not that you successfully had.”

“Nick, I’m involved with someone else. Someone I love deeply.”

“He knew what he was getting into,” he interrupts me again. “And since he was one of the reasons you broke up with me, I don’t see why you should care about him so much.”

I look at him in shock.

“I thought you knew me better than this.”

“I do know you, Jen. And I know you still have feelings for me. I know you probably rushed into things with him, likely not because you’re in love with him, but because you were hurt and wanted to move on more quickly.”

The more he talks, the more he’s confusing me. Maybe he’s right. From the beginning, I’ve felt that I was going too fast, that there was something I didn’t understand.

“I know you didn’t owe me shit after you broke up with me, and I respect that. But I’m ready for us to get back together. Don’t you think the joke has gone on for too long, Jen? You and I belong together. That’s what you’ve always said.”

I sigh and stick my gaze to the table. In a way, he’s right. I feel like I’m at  crossroads and don’t know which way to go to reach happiness. On one side, Josh is waiting for me, and on the other side, Nick is lending me his hand.

Suddenly, a flood of memories invades my mind, from the day I met Nick, to our numerous flirting moments on set, and from the events we attended together, to the feeling of his body pressed against mine in the dark. I close my eyes, willing the images to go away, but I can’t. I was happy back then, that I know of, so what if I’m making a terrible mistake by letting him go?

“I’m not so sure of that anymore,” I reply weakly.

“Why?”

“Because my life changed.”

“Oh yeah, you’re famous now,” he chuckles lightly. “But did that change who you are, deep down inside? No. You’re still Jen from Louisville, just trying to play characters in movies, not superstar Jennifer Lawrence trying to become famous and popular. I’m ready to make sacrifices to be by your side, Jen. I’m ready to move over here if necessary, to take fewer projects to be able to spend more time with you, to be seen with you on the red carpet if that’s what you need to steady you up. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. I just want you to be happy Jen, and while I was thinking, away from you, I realized that you need to be able to take your own decisions. You need your career to fulfill you, which means working like crazy because all directors in Hollywood want to work with you. I was stupid to be afraid of your fame. And you see, I’m not feeling threatened by your friends anymore. I trust you. I love you so much, Jen... please give us another chance. I promise you won’t regret it.”

He takes my hand again, and this time, I don’t yank it off right away. He starts rubbing his thumb over my skin in a familiar gesture, and I feel my heart melt, just like it used to. I sigh and take my hand out of his.

“Go away. I need to think about it. You’re confusing me. Give me time to figure it out.”

He nods and downs the last gulp of his coffee.

“Alright. I’ll wait for your call. Take your time.”

He stands up and makes a move to leave, but I don’t follow him. He drops a hand on my shoulder, slowly stroking it in an intimate gesture.

“See you later.” He says, turning around and leaving.


	18. Chapter 18

**Josh’s POV**

I was in a pretty good mood when my plane landed at the JFK airport in New York City. I’d come to realize those nine days without seeing Jen would pass by pretty quickly, because I’d be busy most of the time and I’d finally get to see my family for the first time in weeks. Andre seemed glad to see me happy. For once, I felt as if the puzzle that was my life was finally clicking together. I was doing a job I loved, traveling the country, and finally enjoying the affections of the girl I’d dreamed of for so long. I couldn’t ask for anything better.

But then, a few hours later, it all comes crashing back in my face.

I invite Jennifer to a Facetime chat later that evening, expecting her to happily accept. Never in a million years would I have guessed she was about to meet Nick in her own house. Where she used to hang out with him. Where she used to eat dinners with him.

Where she used to fuck him.

When her answer comes in, I do my best to hide any signs of the heartbreak quickly washing over me. I don’t want Andre to know about it right away. He’s been warning me the whole time that she’s gonna end up back in Nick’s arms, and I’m not ready for a lecture about how I messed up by throwing myself too quickly in a relationship with her. I have enough of the little voice in my head telling me how much of a fool I’ve been to believe that she could have been in love with me and have really wanted a relationship with me.

More likely, what she needed was to get away from Nick for a time, realize she was missing him and still had feelings for him, and then get back with him, in a relationship stronger than ever. For my part, I will turn back into the dedicated friend I’ve always been, and she’ll thank me for all the support I gave her over the last few weeks. Too bad I actually had feelings for her; I knew what I was getting into anyway. I only have myself to blame, especially given the fact that she had been clear from the beginning. She didn’t want us to commit.

Now I know why, for sure.

I may be jumping to conclusions, assuming she’ll decide to go back with him. But with all the warning signs she’s given me over the weeks, it’s better to get ready for the inevitable trip back to the friend zone. I better start preparing to see her happy with him, even if it’s gonna kill me.

I’m stronger than that. I’ll get over her.

Discreetly, I type my answer back, trying to stay neutral as much as possible. She doesn’t need me to make a scene, nor does she need a lecture on what I truly think of her ex, probably soon on-again, boyfriend. Instead, she needs to know I trust her to make the best decisions for herself, even if it means breaking my heart. She doesn’t owe me a thing after all; she was very clear about that.

I press my tongue against my palate in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.

“Are you okay?” Andre asks, a curious expression on his face.

“Yeah, yeah,” I say. “I invited Jen for a chat tonight but she’s busy. We’ll catch up another time I guess.”

“You guess? Aren’t you hiding something from me?”

I sigh.

“No, she’s just... unavailable at the moment, that’s it.” I reply, shifting uncomfortably on my chair.

“She’s with Nick.”

“Yeah. She is.”

“I’m so sorry, Josh. I’m not gonna be a jerk and tell you I told you so. And to be honest, these last few weeks, I really thought she felt something for you. Something strong. But you know, it may not be that serious-“

“Between her and him, it’s always serious, Andre,” I sigh dejectedly. “The only way she would stop caring about him would be to be separated from him virtually forever. As long as they work together, they’ll always be attracted to one another. And you know Nick isn’t gonna fight against it when he knows Jen loves him. And Jen... you were right all along, I was just a source of comfort, an outlet to forget that her boyfriend was acting like a douche... I’m so dumb.”

“Wait before getting on your high horse,” he advises me. “There’s still a chance you’re judging too quickly.”

“Maybe.”

My phone buzzes with her reply. I take a quick look at her answer and sigh.

“He’s there. Oh well, it was good while it lasted, right?” I say in a disappointed tone.

“Josh...”

“I’ll get over it. We have one more month of filming, and then we won’t see each other for months. She’ll be busy winning all her awards and then I’ll film my movie, away from her. It’ll be easier to move on. I just have to hold on for that damn month in Hawaii.”

The waiter brings us our food, and I start picking at it. I’m not hungry anymore. I can’t help but picture Nick and Jen in her house, him likely apologizing for his behavior and begging her to get back with him, and her looking at him with her loving eyes, that special gaze I thought she was keeping for me, but who was just for him the whole time.

A few minutes into the meal, my phone rings. I glance at the number and realize it’s Jennifer. She almost never calls me; we’re used to communicating via texts all the time. I swiftly turn the phone into silent mode and ignore the call. Andre looks up from his plate and stares at me with a confused face.

“Aren’t you gonna answer?”

“It’s Jen,” I sigh. “I’m not ready for this.”

“Not ready for what?”

The screen of my phone lights up to register the missed call.

“For her to tell me it’s over between us,” I say, looking away. “Although you can argue there never really was something between us to begin with.”

“Are you crazy? She’s been all over you for months now! Of course there was something between you! And even though she took the easy way out and told you you weren’t committed, it’s bullshit and you know it.”

“It’s not.”

I see the screen light up again in front of me with another incoming call.

“It’s her again?” Andre asks. “Come on, pick it up!”

“No.”

“You stubborn little shit.”

“Thanks. She’ll leave a message if it’s so important. But I would think she’d rather tell me in my face that we’re over. Or at least, in a real conversation over the phone, not in a voicemail or a text.”

Andre shakes his head sadly and takes another bite of his food. My phone screen lights up one last time with a notification that I’ve got new voicemail.

“Are you gonna listen to it?” Andre says, looking annoyed.

“No. Not now, anyway. I told you, I’m not ready for whatever she wants to tell me. And it’s even worse, she’s probably trying to make me believe that she cares about me, that she’s sorry she made the mistake of starting to have sex with me...”

“Wait until you listen to it before letting your feelings spiral into darkness like that.”

“Thanks for the advice.”

 

* * *

 

 

At night, I have a hard time falling asleep despite being extremely tired. I still haven’t listened to her message and I have no intention to do so. From now on, I’m back into defensive mode and I won’t let her pierce my shell once again. But as I close my eyes, trying to find that elusive sleep, I realize just how much the situation I’m in hurts and I can’t help the sobs that I let out. The hope I had for us has completely vanished.

The morning after, I’m still off work – I have a full day of interviews set for the next day – so I stay in bed as long as I can. I still haven’t put the sound back on my phone and so I take a look at it upon waking up. There’s still that tantalizing voicemail notification staring back at me, but I ignore it. There are also three text messages from Jennifer. I almost delete them without reading them, but I decide to take a look anyway. I won’t be able to avoid her forever, so I’d better start getting ready for whatever she has to say to me.

JENNIFER: Did you get my message last night?

JENNIFER: Josh? Are you okay? Please say something.

JENNIFER: Do you have some free time today? I really want to talk to you. I miss you.

I sigh and finally type a reply.

JOSH: I got your call but haven’t listened to my voicemail. Sorry, I wasn’t in the mood for that. And I’m off all day. But honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to have that conversation, even if I saw it coming from the beginning.

I regret sending out the message as soon as I touch the “Send” icon. I drop the phone on the nightstand and hide my face in my pillow, willing the tears not to fall. A few seconds later, the phone starts buzzing on the table. I pick it up and finally reluctantly answer.

“Hello,” I say in a neutral tone.

“Josh! I’m so glad to hear your voice finally. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I lie. “And you?”

“I’m okay. I’d be better if you were here with me though.”

Yeah, right. You don’t need me to cockblock you and your ex-boyfriend while you’re rekindling your romance. But I can’t tell her that. I don’t want to act like a jealous, passive aggressive love interest. But I’m so hurt, the urge is still stronger than me.

“Oh, you’re in good company.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know very well what I mean,” I sigh. “As long as you’re happy. We always told each other we wouldn’t commit to one another, right? I’m gonna assume what I agreed to. But please, don’t lie to me, okay?”

“Josh, what are you talking about?”

I take a deep breath before answering, in a lower, even more serious tone.

“I said I wasn’t ready for that conversation, but maybe it would be better if we’d get it out of the way right away after all.”

“What conversation?” she sounds genuinely confused. I sigh.

“The one where you tell me it’s over between us, even though it never started anyway, and you want to go back to Nick. I knew what I was risking when I chose to act on my feelings for you. But you have to understand that it hurts anyway. I’m not blaming you-”

“Josh... I’m not following you now. What are you talking about? I’m not back with Nick!”

“Maybe not now,” I sigh, “but it’s just a matter of time, right, Jen?”

Her silence gives her away.

“That’s what I thought. Thanks for that month of bliss. At least, I enjoyed it while it lasted. I knew it wouldn’t last, but I stupidly told myself it could work. Now, please just remember that I had feelings for you, Jen. I’m not gonna blame you for that. But don’t twist the knife into the wound, please. Get it over with.”

“Josh... why are you giving up on me? On us? I’m not back with Nick...”

“Yeah, I know. Second time you tell me that. Yet, you’re not saying ‘I won’t get back with Nick’, you’re talking in the present. That says something. He made you happy for two years, there must be a reason-“

“Josh, I’ve never been as happy with Nick as I’ve been in that last month since we started getting closer.”

“You were getting over your break up, that doesn’t count.”

“How can you know how I feel?”

I sigh.

“I’ve known you for almost two years now Jen. I can read what you don’t say. And deep down, I knew it would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before you realized what you were giving up.”

I take a deep breath to hold back the tears that are making my voice break with emotion. I have to be steady for what I need to tell her.

“And I have to accept that this is where you belong. Not with me. With him. I’m not gonna be selfish and keep you from being with the man you really love, Jen. And despite the way it’s gonna end, I’ll never regret that month we spent together. Never.”

I hear a choking sound in the phone.

“Jen? Are you okay? Why are you crying?”

“Because this, what we have, I don’t want it to end!” she almost yells into the phone.

“I don’t want it either, but you can’t possibly be in love with me if you’re not over your relationship with him. I knew it from the beginning, I was just in denial. I’ll always be your friend, Jen.”

I take a pause to steady my voice.

“You’ll just have to give me some time to recover. I think we should go back to being co-workers for the moment. After that, we’ll be months without seeing each other. I’ll have moved on by the time we start filming together again. Don’t keep yourself from dating the man you love because of me, Jen. It’s useless.”

“Why don’t you want to believe the truth, Josh?”

“The truth? Have you been telling me the truth since the beginning?”

She doesn’t answer.

“See?”

“We kissed.”

My heart stops. Somehow I had guessed it, but I imagine there was still a tiny flicker of hope deep down that it wasn’t true. That I was just being melodramatic and she hadn’t had any physical contact with him. But unfortunately for me, I was right all along. I take a deep breath and wipe the tears that are pooling at the corners of my eyes.

“What are you trying to do, Jen? How do you expect me to react? I’ve been telling you the whole time that you were probably mistaken on your feelings for me, then you see your ex again, you try to make me believe that there’s still a chance for us and now you admit you kissed him?”

“He did! I never asked for it!” she screams.

“But you returned it.”

She sighs.

“Yes.”

“See? Now please, you must think I’m a fool for having believed in us –“

“No, Josh...”

I breathe in deeply. I feel like I’m about to crack.

“I love you, Jen!” I shout. “Don’t you understand that? I never forced you to be with me, never pressured you to be with me. You kissed me first, three times, before you even broke up with your boyfriend. How do you think I interpreted that?” I say, now openly crying. “I know we said we wouldn’t commit, I respect that. But can you please acknowledge that I’m hurting and leave me alone for a while? You obviously still love him, so why don’t you take my advice and go back with him? You’ll be so much happier. What’s keeping you from doing it?”

“You, Josh!” she cries too.

I shake my head, even though she can’t see me.

“You can’t... I’m not...”

I don’t know how to formulate my thoughts. I’m overwhelmed by a mix of hurt and confusion that clouds my judgment. As a reply, I only hear her sobbing in the phone.

“Jen?” I ask softly.

“What can I do?”

“What?”

“What can I do to get you to understand? The truth is that I love you both. You’re right, I made a huge mistake by giving in too fast. I thought I was sure I was over him, but it obviously wasn’t cleared up. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, nor does it mean I’m ready to go back with him!”

I close my eyes and pinch the spot between them.

“You know what? Let’s talk about this later, okay? I’m starting to get a headache. Just... don’t hold back for my sake, okay? I don’t want to be the reason you’re keeping yourself from being with your true love. I don’t wanna be involved in that.”

“Josh... I love you,” she whispers.

I take a moment, staring at the white wall of the hotel room in front of me, before answering with a sigh.

“I love you too.”

She finally says goodbye and we hang up. I put the phone down on the nightstand and hide my face in my hands, finally letting out all the tears I was holding back while I was talking to her. And I was right, not only wasn’t I ready for this at all, but I had also called her feelings for Nick coming back in full force. They apparently just needed that time away from each other, Nick with the ultimatum of her breaking up with him, to find themselves back together.

I’m still puzzled as to why she feels the need to hurt me even more, though.

 

* * *

 

I end up sleeping almost the whole day away. I can’t help but wonder what Jen is doing right now, but I know better than to text her and get lost in my misery once again. She must be enjoying her free time with Nick before she has to attend her screenings and shit.

I get up and make myself a cup of coffee, that I gulp down pretty quickly. I’m supposed to have dinner with Andre, who’s been sightseeing all day, but I think better and text him to call the dinner off. I’ll just order room service; I really don’t feel like going out today. As I thought, he asks me what’s going on and if I finally spoke with Jen. I simply tell him that I was right all along and I need time on my own to get over it.

He leaves me alone after that, and I’m glad for it.

I sit near the window and look down at the street below. People are walking around, carefree and happy, and it triggers a sharp pain in my chest. As I rest my elbow on the table and my head on my hand, I hear the telltale sound of a Facetime call. I sigh and retrieve my phone on the nightstand. As I unlock the screen, Jennifer’s face appears before me. She looks beautiful, as always, except for her puffy eyes that betray her tears.

“Jen? Why are you crying?” I ask, confused. “Did you guys fight again-“

“Josh. I’m crying because of you.”

“Why? Jen, I told you not to-“

“I miss you, okay?” she cries again. “I miss you so much, it hurts. I miss your voice, your smile, your arms. I miss your scent, your skin, your laugh. I miss your kisses, your jokes, your food... eight days, Josh. I’m still counting the days. Are you?”

My own eyes quickly fill up with tears. I see a flicker of recognition pass in her eyes; she definitely has noticed.

“I’m counting the days before the shoot ends,” I say with a heavy heart.  “32 days now.”

Her mouth hangs open in disbelief. I look down and wipe the tears from my eyes.

“How can you miss me, when you’ve got him right next to you, ready to give you what you need?”

“Because he’s not the one I love.”

I’m stunned for a second, before I remember what she told me this morning. With a sigh, I slightly shake my head.

“But you kissed him.”

“No,” she says in a flat voice. “He kissed me. I may have returned the kiss a little bit, but I felt almost nothing. There, I’ve said it, I’ve been honest. Can I tell you honestly that I love you now?”

“I guess you can.”

That doesn’t mean I have to believe it though. But I keep that to myself.

“I love you. Not Nick. Not anybody else. You.”

“Yet you’re not ready to make things official between us.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize I’m being unfair. She quickly answers before I have the time to add anything else.

“I thought it didn’t matter to you?”

“It didn’t. Except when I feel it’s an out to give yourself a chance to go back with Nick without having to actually dump me.”

“Well, it’s not. I’m not getting back with him. I love you, you love me, why not act on our feelings instead of fighting them? And in time, we’ll take a step towards a more official relationship. What do you think?”

I sigh.

“Alright. Let’s do it.”

But I can’t shut the little voice at the back of my head that tells me it’s never gonna happen.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I didn’t expect seeing Nick again would set off that kind of tornado into my life. Before that fateful text on the plane, I was happy, carefree; I thought I was falling in love with Josh and I couldn’t have been any happier.

Nick’s comeback in my life just destroyed everything.

I knew Josh would likely assume there was still something going on between us, but I never anticipated how hurt he’d be over it, or how difficult it would be to convince him that I actually loved him. And in a way, it was a blessing in disguise. Being faced with the real possibility of losing Josh’s friendship and affections made me realize how much I didn’t want that. On the other hand, after Nick left my place, the confusion I had felt towards him quickly turned to anger. He didn’t have the right to kiss me like that. I felt guilty towards Josh for actually returning the kiss, even though we didn’t promise anything to each other and I did way worse to Nick while we were still officially dating.

Josh’s text message that told me he couldn’t listen to my voicemail left me heartbroken. At that point, the urge to give everything up and hop on a plane for New York was strong. Screw the screenings, the Q&A’s, the talk shows. I needed to convince the man I loved that my heart was with him. But I knew I couldn’t possibly do that, and it tore me up inside.

That’s how I came up with the idea of a Facetime conversation. I really needed to see his face, hear his voice. Sense his presence with me, even through a phone screen. At first, I expected him to turn it down, but then he appeared on the screen, and my heart melted in my chest. His face looked tired and emotionless. My smile faltered when he started talking in front of the phone, but I quickly recovered. I poured my heart out to him, hoping he’d finally trust me enough to believe what I told him. My heart broke when he admitted he was looking forward to the moment we wouldn’t be working together anymore. How could I have messed up so badly so quickly? Yesterday, we were making plans for our off time in Hawaii and deploring those nine days that would keep us separated. Today, he thinks I used him and he tries to protect himself as much as he can.

I just am not ready to commit to a relationship right now, even though I know I’m lying to myself when I think there is a chance I won’t want to be with Josh anymore anytime soon. He’s crept up under my skin and nestled himself there deeply. I can’t stop thinking about him, to the point that I’m barely interested in seeing my friends anymore. And I’ve never enjoyed myself more than on the set of _Catching Fire_. It has nothing to do with filming a studio movie, or the other people I’m working with. It’s Josh.

I start considering making the move to become his official girlfriend, but then I think about the fact that Nick and I are still together in the eye of the media. I know making it official between Josh and me would change nothing to that situation, but I’m still a little uncomfortable. I feel like it’s easier to hide my relationship with Josh in public if we’re not officially dating. And if the paps ever found us having PDA while I’m still linked to Nick... I don’t want to imagine the tabloids cover pages calling me a cheater.

Maybe now is the right time to announce the split.

I grab my phone and call Liz. As I wait for her to pick up, I browse through my pictures folder on my laptop, looking for pics of Josh and me. There’s one of us on the set of _The Hunger Games_ that I remember fondly: we were filming a scene by the river, Josh lying on the rock with his fake leg wound, and me sitting next to him, resting my hand on his ankle, my other hand picking at the thread of his pant leg. He was watching me with a small smile, and someone took the picture right in that moment. He looked so young and vulnerable, totally in character. And I remember that even then, I couldn’t keep my hands to myself, as evidenced by the way I was clinging to him. And to be honest with myself, he was already making me feel butterflies in my stomach, even though I was doing everything I could to dismiss those feelings.

Liz picks up after the phone rings a few times.

“Hello, Jennifer. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I say, not wanting to get into the details of my boyfriend issues.

“Good. What can I do for you?”

“Well... You know I broke up with Nick a while ago. We’ve kept it a secret for now, but I think I’d like the information to leak in the press, so that I can move on.”

“You intend on making your relationship with Josh official?”

“I’m thinking about it,” I say, smiling at a picture of Josh messing around with a camera. “We’ll still work hard on keeping it under wraps, but you know, just in case we get caught... I think it would be best if the media thinks me single rather than cheating on my long-term boyfriend...”

“You’re right, but don’t forget that the gossip mags will be all over you after the news of the split comes out. They’ll try to link you to anyone of your co-stars, or any high-profile man in Hollywood. That could be tricky too if you ever get caught with Josh. What about you wait until the beginning of next year, so you can go through award season as newly single? That would help push your name in the press a little bit also.”

I bite my lip. I know she’s seeing things with a publicist eye, but I can’t help but cringe at that kind of strategy. I just want to live my life, work on the projects I like, be with the man I love. But I know I still have to sell myself in order to be successful; that’s how it works in the industry. I’m fully aware that I can’t enjoy the good sides of my job without dealing with the bad ones. I sigh.

“Okay. Let’s just hope there aren’t paps on the Hawaii set, cause I’m not sure we’ll be able to hide much longer.”

 

* * *

 

 

After I hang up with Liz, I know my next step is to make things clear with Nick, once and for all. He did make me feel some things when I saw him yesterday, but the truth is that after he left, I was feeling annoyed rather than longing for him. As sad as it may sound, I just want him to get out of my life for the moment.

So I take a deep breath, brush the “Call” icon next to Nick’s name and stare at the picture of Josh on my computer screen.

“Hey, Jen,” Nick answers joyfully. “Have you already made up your mind?”

“Yes. Can you come here as soon as possible? We need to talk.”

“Sure. Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be there.”

“Alright. I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

* * *

 

I’m still sitting at the counter, browsing through my pictures, when there is a knock on the door. I walk to it and open up, revealing a better-dressed-than-usual Nick, staring at me with a huge grin.

“Come in,” I say without returning his smile.

He walks to the living room and sits on the couch. I close the door and follow him, sitting as far from him as possible. He looks at me and frowns.

“Are you okay?” he asks to break the silence.

“Yes,” I start, using the most serious tone I can. “I don’t want to see you anymore until we begin filming the movie. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’m comfortable with the decision I made last month. I don’t want us to date anymore.”

His smile falls. I bite my lip nervously, waiting for his reaction.

“You can’t do that, Jen...” he answers in a low voice. “What about our promises back then, you said you loved me, you wanted us to move in together. I understood London is not an option and I’m ready to move here with you, if that’s what you want. What else do you need me to do?”

I let out a loud sigh.

“I need you to move on and leave me alone. I already talked with Liz. I asked if we could make it official. She said we’d better wait until the beginning of next year, so that it helps both of our careers. It’s the best solution, Nick.”

“But...” he trails off, visibly speechless.

“Don’t try to make me come back on my decision. It’s final. And although I’d like to remain your friend, if it doesn’t work, I’m ready to be just your co-star.”

“What does he have that I don’t?” he finally asks with a disgusted face.

“This has nothing to do with Josh. Leave him out of this.”

“You would have gotten back together with me yesterday if it wasn’t for him. Admit it. Heck, we would still be together without him!”

“Maybe. Maybe not. That’s how it is. I’m over us, Nick. And I love him.”

He sighs.

“Are you doing this because of London?”

“No. That was the final straw, but it was brewing for a long time.”

He nods slowly, looking down.

“Can I ask you an honest question, Jen? I won’t be mad at you no matter the answer. I just want to know the truth.”

I swallow thickly, anticipating his question.

“Go ahead,” I say in a weak voice.

“Did you cheat on me with him?”

I look down and take a deep breath.

“Not really. I kissed him a few times, that’s it. All after our huge fight last September.”

I look back at him and see the wheels turning in his head. He’s likely guessing what I left unsaid.

“But you’ve had feelings for him for a long time.”

I stare at his disappointed eyes.

“Yes,” I admit softly.

“How long?”

I pause to think about it.

“Probably since I talked to him on the phone for the first time last year, right after he got cast in _The Hunger Games_.”

He looks shocked.

“All this time...?”

“We were just friends back then. But we became close. I would have never cheated on you. And I really loved you at that time. But you wanted to know when I started feeling something for Josh...”

I hesitate for a second before continuing.

“I had butterflies that day. We got closer while we were filming, but we were still just really good friends. I only realized I was attracted to him recently, when you and I grew apart.”

“Can I be honest with you in return?”

“Sure.”

I look up just in time to see him shake his head slowly, a slightly mocking smile at the corner of his lips.

“I think you’re making a mistake. You’ll realize soon enough he has nothing to offer you. You’ll regret it, Jen. And when you do come back to me, I’m not sure I’ll still be available for you.”

“Maybe,” I shrug. “But I’m ready to take the risk. It’s what feels right for me now. And I’ve thought about it for a long time.”

I can read the disappointment in his intense gaze.

I regret nothing.

“Alright,” he says, pressing his hands on his thighs. “Well, I guess I have nothing more to do here.”

He stands up, flattens his pants with his palms and walks to the door without another word. I follow him, finally feeling at peace with my decision. As he opens the door, he turns back to me and kisses me on the cheek. His lips cause an unpleasant tickling on my skin.

“I still love you, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”

He nods and finally goes away. I stay on the doorstep for a while, watching him walk out of my life, hopefully for a long time.

 

* * *

 

That night, I’m tempted to call Josh to let him know what I did, but I realize it’s already late on the East Coast so he’s probably already asleep. I decide to text him anyway, just in case he’s still up.

JENNIFER: I’ve made things clear with Nick. We won’t see each other outside of work anymore. I can’t wait to see you.

I put my phone on the counter and open the fridge to get something to eat. The phone quickly buzzes with a reply. I take a look at it and smile.

JOSH: Is that really what you wanted?

I type back my answer in a hurry.

JENNIFER: Yes! I’ve never been more sure of something my whole life. Can I Facetime you?

I barely have time to send the message before the invite comes in. I grin and accept it. I’m glad to see Josh finally smiling on the screen. I take a few seconds to stare at his lovely features. His bright hazel eyes, staring back at me with a sparkle. His soft lips, turned into that lovely smile that makes me melt. His chiseled jaw, that makes me burn with the desire to touch and kiss it.

“You’re gorgeous, did you know that?” I say.

“Well, you obviously know better than I do, so I’ll trust you,” he replies, his smile quickly fading into a serious expression. “Jen, about this morning...”

“It’s okay.”

“No, let me say it, will you?”He looks down for a moment, before taking a deep breath and looking back up at the screen. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Being hurt is no excuse for acting the way I did. That was immature and selfish. It’s just that sometimes, I don’t think before I speak and I end up saying shitty things. I shouldn’t have said the things I said to you.”

The fact that he can acknowledge this warms my heart. I didn’t expect to hear this, at least not so soon after I unwittingly put his trust to test.

“Really, Josh, it’s okay,” I reply. “But thanks anyway for the apology. We’re good.”

“Alright,” he smiles. “So how did it go?”

“Fine, I guess. He didn’t try to make me change my mind. He only wanted to know if I’d cheated on him.”

“What did you say?”

I sigh.

“I admitted we had kissed a few times. He asked if I’d had feelings for you for a long time. I told him the truth.”

“Which is?”

“I’ve felt something for you for a long time, Josh.”

“Really,” he says, lifting his eyebrows in disbelief.

“Yes, really. Do you remember that time I called you to congratulate you after you got cast as Peeta?”

“Of course. I’d never forget that.” His eyes roll downwards and he smiles, as if he was recalling it.

“It all started there.”

He looks stunned. I laugh nervously.

“It wasn’t love at first sight, but you made me feel something that day, Josh. I felt us connect so deeply... but it took me a long time to understand that...”

“It doesn’t matter. As long as we get on the same page, it’s okay.”

“Yes. About that...” I start, biting my lower lip.

“What?”

“I called Liz. I wanted to come out with the news of my break up so that it wouldn’t be so bad if we ever got caught together. But Liz thinks it’s better to wait some more. Even after the news is out, we’ll still have to hide, but... you know...”

He nods.

“Yes. I understand. We could have tried real dating if people knew you weren’t with Nick anymore. They wouldn’t assume you’re cheating on him with me if we ever got... romantic?”

“Exactly.”

“But since you’re still officially with him, you can’t afford to be seen with me off set unless we have people around us to justify us being together.”

“That’s the thing. Are you mad?”

His small smile instantly relieves me.

“No, of course not. And I understand that you don’t want us to be official yet either. Really, that was a shitty thing for me to take my jealousy out on you. You’re obviously doing the best you can in that tricky situation we’re in at the moment. I shouldn’t have pressured you into tagging our relationship. It’s too early. I’m sorry.”

I feel my heart break a little at his apology, but I still give him a little smile.

“It’s okay. As long as you understand why I’m doing this.”

“I do.”

“Then we’re fine.”

He nods, still with that grin that makes my heart beat faster. We stare at each other for a while, without a word, until I finally break the silence.

“Are you going to bed soon?” I ask in a low voice.

“Yep. I have a long day tomorrow. Interviews with MTV and Letterman to record.”

“I can’t wait to hear the shit you’ll come up with,” I chuckle.

“You’ve got some stuff to do tomorrow too?”

“I have a screening and Q&A for SLP in the morning and Leno in the afternoon. I’m off all night.”

“So you’d be up for another Facetime date with me tomorrow night?” he pleads with his best puppy-eye look.

“Sure.”

He grins and blows me a kiss.

“I can’t wait to see you again. Good night, Jen. Love you.”

“Love you too. Good night, Josh.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Josh’s POV**

Jen barely has time to talk to me for the next few days. Her schedule is fully packed with interviews and appearances left and right. For my part, after that big day of interviews in New York, I’m free to take a welcome break, and so I fly to Cincinnati to spend Thanksgiving with my family in my hometown of Union.

Although she is super busy, Jennifer still finds time to talk to me via Facetime almost every night. The different time zones make it difficult to catch each other at reasonable hours, but I’m willing to go to bed late or let her wake me up in the night just to hear her sweet voice and stare at her pretty face.

I still can’t believe her words were sincere when she said she’d had feelings for me for so long. I have no doubt she truly has kicked Nick out of her life, but I know us too well to afford hoping it’ll work out so easily. And so I decide to adopt another strategy to enjoy her affection while it lasts and prepare myself for the heartbreak that will follow. For once, I’ll stop waiting for her to make the move and I’ll lead the way myself.

As I fetch a beer from the fridge in my parents’ house, my younger brother Connor meets me and taps my shoulder.

“Hey, what’s going on, man? We barely had time to talk since you got here.”

“Well, come with me.”

He grabs a water bottle and follows me to the living room, where I crash on the couch. He takes a seat next to me and gulps down half of his bottle.

“I think I’m in love,” I sigh.

He stares at me with a wide smile.

“No way!” He leans in as if to make a confidence, and starts speaking in a low voice. “Jennifer Lawrence?”

“How did you guess?” I ask in a sarcastic tone that he doesn’t seem to catch on at first.

“You’ve had the hots for her for almost two years. Only she could make you smile like that. I’m so happy for you, you’ve waited so long for that. But isn’t she dating that British guy...?”

“They broke up a month ago.”

“Oh... and you’ve been together since?”

“Not exactly.”

“What do you mean?” he frowns.

I sigh.

“We got closer. We had sex like rabbits, in our shared trailer, at her house, everywhere we could be alone. She’s told me she loved me a few times. But she doesn’t want to make it official just yet. She always has some lame excuse. Last time, it was because she wasn’t sure how she’d react to seeing her ex again. And it was warranted, cause they kissed and she actually enjoyed it.”

I smirk before looking down.

“Then she told me she had kicked him out of her life. But she’s filming a blockbuster in Canada with him next year, so she won’t have a choice but to see him. So I’m not holding my hopes up for the future.”

The smile that’s lighting up Connor’s face fades quickly. The more I talk, the angrier he looks.

“I haven’t told her, though,” I add. “And now she wants to wait until January before letting the news of her break up leak, so that it makes better press for her award season and Nick’s new films.”

I pick at the label on my bottle distractedly.

“So basically, I’m living in a dream. A dream that won’t last. But I’ve decided to make the most of it. It’s useless to fight with Jen over it, and I won’t avoid the heartbreak by fighting it now either. It’s just gonna happen later, you know? Hopefully, by then, I’ll be far away from her and it will be easier to move on. But for now, we’re both in denial.”

Connor shakes his head.

“No. Josh, I can’t believe you’re letting her play with your heart like that. If it’s so obvious that she’ll go back to her ex, why don’t you give up now and move on already?”

“Believe me, I tried to make her see it. But she’s dead set on pushing him away and trying to make me believe she actually loves me. You and I know there’s no chance she could ever love me. She’s so out of my league, it’s ridiculous. But somehow, it looks like she enjoys our current situation. And I do too, so we have fun for now and right before I leave for Panama, I’ll end it. I’ll free her to go back to Nick. And I will have been happy for a few months. That’s better than nothing, right?”

I have to hold back tears. I pinch the space between my eyes and take a deep breath, slumping my shoulders. I suddenly feel like the dream I had imagined when I thought of this plan has turned into a nightmare.

“Panama?” he asks with a frown.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you?”

“We haven’t really talked in a while, you know.”

I nod and tell him all about my next movie.

“It sounds like a good project,” he says.

“It is. And it’s got a lot of nice people behind it. If it goes well, I might be able to make a few trips to festivals in 2014. I hope I have a chance to go to Cannes. I’m not sure about next year, but I know the year after, at that time, we should still be filming _Mockingjay_ so I don’t know if I’ll make it.”

“Aren’t you scared things are gonna get awkward between you and Jen on set if you break up with her?”

“Well, we’ll never have been together anyway, so it won’t even be a real break up,” I say with a sigh.

Connor stares at me, his mouth slightly open in disbelief.

“What’s really going on, Josh?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. “Something changed. You’ve never sold yourself short that way. Why did you say you’re out of her league? It’s ridiculous, even more when you think of her. She’s still that ordinary girl from Kentucky. Why do you feel so much lower? Is it because of her Oscar nom?”

I look away to hide my slight self-consciousness.

“There’s part of that.”

I then proceed to explain to him the thoughts I’ve had over the last few months. About how she couldn’t possibly love me after loving Nick, a man so much different, so much better than me. How I was losing roles that I could have played convincingly just because of my barely-lower-than-average height. How I knew I was getting made fun of in the media constantly, and despite my strong self-confidence, it was starting to take its toll on me. He listens to my whole rant intently, before replying with his own usual wise words. He may be younger than me, but he’s already so much smarter than I’ll ever be.

“You’ve just landed a big role in a promising movie. You still have three _Hunger Games_ movies to shoot and promote. You’re just getting into more mature roles. It’s just a matter of time, Josh. Why don’t you pick your own projects? You and mom could help produce them and you could play any role you’d like, prove yourself to those idiots who think you’re not leading man material. As for Jen liking both you and Nick... take me for example.”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. He grins.

“As long as the girl is nice, I like her! So I’ve liked very different girls in my brief dating life so far, but still. You can be attracted to very different people. Not because you ended up dating clones over and over again in the past that you can’t love someone different for once. How different is Jen from Shannon, Ro, Vic, Vanessa...?”

“Totally different,” I admit. “Physically, mentally, intellectually... down to the values.”

“So if you can do it, why wouldn’t Jen be able to do it too? And I can guarantee you one thing, even if I barely know her. She doesn’t give a fuck about your height. So stop pushing yourself down for that, it’s useless.”

I shake my head, but I can’t hide a small grin from grazing my features.

“Well, thank you.”

“I’m not done!” he exclaims. “Do you have any idea how many fans you have, Josh? How many girls – and boys! – swoon over you every day, hang up posters of you in their bedrooms, are ready to pay hundreds of dollars to have the chance to meet you?”

“How do you know that?”

“I use social media. You don’t. Maybe you should update that Twitter a little more often. You’d be surprised.”

“I don’t have time for that,” I reply, taking a gulp of beer.

“I know! But just think about it a little. Those million and a half followers you have on your Twitter page, nobody forced them to click the little “Follow” button. They did it because they were interested in you. Now if you wanna play the comparison game... I can guarantee you Liam doesn’t have as many fans as you.”

“That’s the Peeta Mellark effect, Connor. They don’t like me, they like my character.”

“Why couldn’t they like both?”

I have nothing to add. I sigh in defeat.

“Okay, I have to admit you have good arguments. But I’ve made up my mind. I’ll still let her go before I leave for Panama. Long distance relationships never work, anyway.”

“You’re so annoying!” he almost yells as he gets up from the couch and stares at me with a frustrated look. “So you don’t care about breaking her heart?”

“It won’t break her heart. She doesn’t really love me.”

He shakes his head violently, then dismisses me and goes back to the kitchen, visibly fed up. I close my eyes and lie down on the couch. I know I’ve made the right choice. He may have had nice arguments, but that’s not enough for me to change my mind.

 

* * *

 

The day before Thanksgiving, Connor calls me into his room to show me something. I sit on his bed and take a quick glance at the walls surrounding it. He hasn’t decorated them; the only things hanging on them are the medals and trophies that he won at different school contests over the years. My little bro is one really smart man. I’m so proud of him.

He starts typing stuff in the internet bar and we wait for the page to load in silence. Then, I see pictures appear: pictures of a lady in a bathing suit that I’ve seen with way fewer clothes numerous times in the past few weeks.

“Those damn paps made the trip to Hawaii,” I mutter, gritting my teeth.

“Do you think she knows?”

“Probably not,” I sigh. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Do you want to see the pics?”

I shrug.

“Why not?”

He starts going through the pictures, one by one. She’s gorgeous, as usual, and I enjoy seeing her in her turquoise bikini, but I’m still disgusted that the paps got so many shots of her. She’ll be livid when she learns about it, if she hasn’t already. Liz probably told her first thing in the morning. As he keeps clicking, one picture in particular captures my attention.

“Wait, go back to the one before,” I ask, pointing at the screen.

He clicks the “Back” button and I stare at the pic for a while. Jennifer has been photographed from behind, her upper body twisted towards the photographer.

“The bastards photoshopped her butt. Can you believe it? She has the nicest ass in Hollywood, and they photoshopped it to make it ugly! Look at that!”

“Are you sure?” he asks with a smirk.

“Of course I’m sure. I’ve checked her out too often not to know that. She’s gorgeous, Connor. Her ass doesn’t look like that. Positive.”

“It sucks.”

“Yeah. It does. I’ll be in my room for a while. I have a phone call to make.”

I pat his shoulder and leave his room. As I enter mine, which is right across from his, I barely feel any nostalgia. I moved out to Los Angeles when I was a kid, so that I could try my luck during pilot season, and I landed roles that eventually got me into the movies. I haven’t really lived in my childhood bedroom ever since.

I retrieve my phone from my pocket and text Jen.

JOSH: Can I call you? I have something to talk to you about.

As I expected, she doesn’t even bother to reply before calling me first.

“Hey teddy bear, what’s going on?”

“Hi, love, I was wondering if you have seen the paps photos that came out on the Internet today.”

“What paps photos?”

I sigh. So she doesn’t know. She’ll be so upset when I tell her.

“The paps are in Hawaii. They’ve spotted you and your family out on the beach today.”

“You can’t be serious...”

“Do you want me to send you the pics?” I ask, staring at an old poster of Justin Timberlake that’s still hanging on the wall.

“No, that won’t be necessary. I believe you. Well, as much as it angers me, there’s nothing I can do now, right? They have the pics, they’re out, it’s game over for me. That just means we’ll have to be even more discreet when you meet me here.”

“That should be easy with the closed set and the private houses we’re staying in.”

“Yeah, I guess. When is your flight? I can’t wait to see you.”

“I can’t wait to see you either,” I smile, picturing the spark in her eyes every time we’re together. “I’m leaving Cincinnati tomorrow. So we should see each other tomorrow night at the latest.”

“That week away from you has been the longest of my life,” she says with a sigh. “Even though I was pretty busy. There isn’t an hour that passes by where I don’t think about you, Josh.”

“Well, in a few hours, we’ll be back together,” I reply, my smile getting even bigger.

“Is Andre at your parents’ place right now?”

“Yeah, why?” I ask suspiciously.

“I need to talk to him. It’s a surprise.”

“Alright, I’ll get him. Talk to you later. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m so glad I decided to bring my family with me to Hawaii for Thanksgiving, instead of traveling there all by myself, staying home in Santa Monica a little longer, or going back to Kentucky for a while. I would have gone crazy if I’d had to spend all that time alone, having nothing to distract me from thinking about how much I actually miss Josh. And they look so happy to be here – it’s our first trip here - particularly my nephew, David, whom we affectionately nickname “Bear”. Funnily enough, with his sandy blond hair, he reminds me a lot of Peeta-haired Josh. Josh... my own teddy bear.

I wish he would have made the trip over here for Thanksgiving too, bringing his family as well, but I think his father was busy and couldn’t afford to leave the continent at that time.

The only dark cloud over my holiday so far is the paps photos that were released yesterday. It made me so mad to think they not only got me, but also my big brothers and my mother. I quickly realized getting all fired up about it wouldn’t change a damn thing, though. Better keep my energies trying to hide from them from now on.

This is getting easier since I just moved into my rental house for the remainder of the shoot. It’s a pretty house located in the middle of a small, inviting private beach. It has a large balcony fitted with several lounge chairs, a narrow kitchen, a sizeable living room, a cozy bathroom and three bedrooms, two of which will be occupied by myself and Justine, who’s gonna share the house with me this time.

But the nicest thing about the house is that it’s directly neighboring Josh’s. It’s gonna make our frequent sleepovers even easier, as we’ll be staying so close to each other and we will be able to send our friends over to the other house all the time. I smile at the thought, and feel a spark of excitement quickly fire through my whole body. I’ve missed everything about Josh these last few days, including his wonderful talent for doing naughty things in bed.

After I unpack my things, I take a look at the clock and realize Josh’s plane should land in a half-hour or so. That leaves me a little more than an hour to get ready as the trip from the airport to the housing complex is pretty short. I already convinced Justine to go spend some time running errands while I get ready for Josh’s arrival.

I swap my current outfit for a lacy red satin nightgown that I’ve bought when I went shopping in L.A with a few of my girl friends last week. They all assumed I was trying to seduce Nick. I was dying to talk to them about Josh and me, but I knew I couldn’t afford to take that risk.

Not yet, anyway.

I look at myself in the mirror and smile as I take in my appearance. He’ll definitely go crazy.

I put on a light robe over the nightgown, grab my purse and keys, slip on my flip-flops and run to the other house. I’ve been given the key to hand to Josh when he arrives, and so I get in without any problem. The house is nearly identical to mine. I drop my things on the kitchen counter, pick a stool to sit on and wait a few minutes for Josh to show up.

He should be alone, as I made sure to ask Andre to go play somewhere for a few hours while we allow ourselves to indulge in some private time together.

A few minutes later, I hear a knock on the door. My heart starts beating impossibly fast in my chest, and a rush of warmth immediately goes through me. We’ve only been separated for nine days, but it feels like it’s been forever. I walk to the door and glance through the peephole to find Josh waiting on the doorstep, staring away as he waits a response. As I make a move to open the door, I hear his voice on the other side.

“Is there anyone in here? I was told there’d be someone to give me the key to-“

I open the door and he freezes mid-sentence when he sees me. I lift my arm to hand him the key, dangling it in front of his face.

“Welcome to your home for the next month, Josh,” I speak in my most convincing seductive tone.

I don’t need to work hard on this one. Just seeing him in person after a whole week of being apart is enough to make me want to jump his bones already.

He simply grins, grabs the key from my hand and leans in to desperately press his lips against mine. He doesn’t even wait for the door to close before sneaking his arms around my waist, pulling my body impossibly close to his. I savour his minty breath, devour his soft lips, absorb all the passion he brings to the kiss.

If I wasn’t already convinced that I no longer felt anything for Nick, the way I feel happy and alive in Josh’s arms is giving me no choice but to accept the evidence. He’s the only one who can make me burn with desire like that. He’s the only one who can actually light my whole body on fire like that. He’s the only one whose touch I crave. And given the way I’ve missed him over the last few days, it’s not just a matter of lust or seeking comfort anymore. It has to be love.

As his lips slide away from mine to venture onto the nape of my neck, lightly sucking on my flesh while his hands travel on the fabric of my robe down my back, I whisper in his ear.

“I missed you so much, Josh. You can’t possibly know.”

He doesn’t say a word, his only answer a subtle tightening of his hold on me.

“I’m yours, Josh. Only yours.”

He seems to still for a second, before I run a hand through his blonde locks, lightly massaging his scalp while he resumes his hungry kisses on my neck.  Yet, that second of hesitation makes a flash of worry pass through me, but I quickly push it aside as I abandon myself to the tenderness of his lips brushing on my skin, the hotness of the air he breathes against my neck, and the wetness I already feel pooling in my center.

I let out a moan when his breath tickles a sensitive spot on my skin, and I finally attempt to pull him towards his bedroom. He doesn’t follow me right away, instead letting go of my waist to bend over and take his shoes off. As I stop at the entrance of the first bedroom, I turn to face him and wait for him to stand back up. When he does, staring at me with a greedy smile, I finally take the robe off and smirk. He’s in front of me in a second, quickly pulling his t-shirt over his head and tossing it behind him on his way there. He gets even closer to me, his face so near that I can smell his sweet breath on my skin. It makes me shiver with anticipation.

“You’re so beautiful, Jen. So, so beautiful.”

I barely have time to smile at him before his lips come crashing back on mine, widely opening a path to the inside of his mouth. I take the invite eagerly, letting my tongue taste his, chasing every movement of his full lips with my own. I feel his hand sneak underneath the fabric of my nightgown and I gasp. He slowly cups my backside, pushing me inside the bedroom towards the bed. I sit on it in front of him and quickly work on unfastening his belt buckle. He sighs as I zip his pants down and help him take them off, revealing the large bulge in his boxers. I lightly cup his length, looking up at his face. His eyes are closed. I tug on his boxers to get them out of the way and grab a hold of his cock springing free in front of me. As I run my tongue over the length of his already-hard shaft, he lightly whispers, making a rush of arousal go through me.

“Oh, Jen...”

I smile at his way of saying my name: so vulnerable, yet so eager. I lightly suck on the tip of his cock, before pushing his whole member inside my mouth as far as it can go. He runs a hand in my loose hair, sighing. As I bob my head up and down, swirling my tongue around his soft skin, I focus on the little sounds of pleasure he makes, and it turns me on even more. After a while, I feel him fight the urge to thrust into my mouth, and he lets out a loud moan.

“Jen,” he says in a low, desperate voice. “Stop, I can’t... I can’t hold it anymore...”

I look up at him with a huge smile and I let his length slip out of my mouth. I slide to the headboard and he meets me there, his naked body hovering over mine. He gently caresses one of my breasts through the fabric of my nightgown, staring at me with a loving gaze.

“That was a nice surprise,” he murmurs, the corner of his lips turning into a small smile.

I grin even wider in response, lightly stroking his back up to his hair.

“I’m glad you like it.”

He stares at me for a while, his face still showing that crooked smile I love so much, and then he lowers his mouth back to mine in a slow, sensual kiss.

I think it’s obvious now. I’ll never have enough of this man.

I run my hands over the hard muscles of his back, moaning as I feel his erection brush against my center. He lets his fingers travel down my chest, all the way to my clit, that he starts stroking first delicately, then more urgently to the rhythm of my moans. I can’t wait to feel him inside me, completing me, but at the same time, I’m thirsty for his mouth exploring my body. I enjoy everything about him: the softness of his skin, the musky scent of his body, the sensation of his fingers revering my whole being, the thoughtfulness of his words. Right here, with my body beneath his in his sun-lighted Hawaii home, I realize there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

“I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever,” I whisper with a smile.

“Hey, stop stealing my cheesy lines,” he says with a chuckle, trailing kisses along the side of my jaw, all the way towards my earlobe. He whispers in my ear.

“I wish it too.”

I feel his fingers part my folds, then one of them slowly enter my vagina. I gasp in response, which prompts him to look up at me with a teasing gaze. I arch my back to let him fuck me deeper, and as he pumps quicker, adding two more fingers, I start panting and trembling. I let my hand run down his toned chest to his cock, grasp it and start pumping up and down, plunging my gaze into his, returning his teasing look as if it were a competition. He groans and grips my hips to align my center with his dick, then slides himself in slowly. He lets his hands rest on either side of my face, lightly caressing my cheek as he starts making long, deep thrusts. I wrap my arms around his neck, my heart bursting from the happiness of finally being here, sharing his bed, having this intimate moment with him. His panting breath is making me more aroused than ever, and as he starts picking up speed and rests his forehead against mine, I sigh.

“I love you, Josh.”

I feel him stiffen slightly, then he relaxes and keeps going, lightly murmuring his answer.

“I love you too, Jen. More than you’ll ever know.”

As he pushes himself inside me more urgently, I cross my legs around his waist, bringing him closer to me. He leans in to catch my lips in a passionate kiss, and I return the gesture with an equal fervor. He stills for a moment so he can rest his weight all on his left arm and let his right hand ghost my skin all the way down to my core, which he starts stroking in rhythm with his resumed thrusts. The sensation is overwhelming and I feel my body get tense in anticipation of my orgasm. I quickly lose control of the muscles of my vagina, which start contracting around Josh’s cock in an erratic way. Too far gone, I can only focus on the moans he lets out in response, and his pace that he slows down to last longer.

I feel so good. He makes me feel so good.

After a few more thrusts, he goes a little faster, and I lose it completely with a loud cry of pleasure. I clench his back muscles impossibly hard, and he picks up the pace in an attempt to come right after me. I stare at his concentrated face with a mix of love and admiration, and I eventually feel him slow down unexpectedly, grunting and latching his mouth to mine for one last earth-shattering kiss. His touch makes a strong shiver spread all throughout my body, and after he drops his head in the space between my neck and shoulder, I push him on his back to lie down against his side, my head resting next to his on the pillow, my hand tracing slow circles on his taut chest muscles. I place a few light kisses on his neck, all the way to his jaw, and I feel him take a deep breath. He turns his head towards me and pecks my lips.

“Hi”, he says with a chuckle.

I smile and burrow myself closer into his body. His hand caressing the fabric of my nightgown over my back is making me even more comfortable.

“Hi.”

“So that’s why you wanted to talk to Andre yesterday, right? So that we’d have some time alone.”

“You got it.”

“Smart girl.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m hungry,” he says out of the blue. “I’m not even asking you if you want something to eat. Come on, lady, let’s go.”

He pulls me by the hand out of the bed and I curl into his body reflexively, sharing a big bear hug like only Josh can give. He strokes my back, sighing in my hair.

“I’m so glad to be here finally.”

 

* * *

 

My family stays in Hawaii for a few more days, spending a lot of time with me on the set. I haven’t told them yet about my break up with Nick and subsequent relationship with Josh. My brother Blaine sits with me on the beach during one of my downtimes and keeps staring at me with a wicked smile that annoys me.

“What?” I ask, playfully punching him.

“There’s something you’re hiding from us,” he says.

“Oh, really? What makes you say that?” I reply, looking away to make sure he doesn’t see the smile I’m fighting so hard to hide from him.

“The way you look at Josh with a dreamy smile. The fact that Nick hasn’t visited you on set and you haven’t spoken about him the whole time we’ve been here.”

He pauses. My heart tightens in my chest.

“How long since you broke up with him?”

I sigh and finally chance a look at him.

“A month and a half.”

“And how long have you been with Josh?”

“I’m not with Josh,” I reply with my most determined tone.

“Oh yeah? Then wipe that little smile off your face little sis, that’s the look of someone who’s getting laid. And by the looks you keep shooting to the guy over there,” he points at Josh, who is attempting to surf in the distance, his costume half down, revealing his milky-white chest,” he’s the lucky one.”

I try to keep a neutral face, but his knowing look eventually makes me crack a huge smile.

“Okay... we may have something going on. But you have to be quiet, it can’t come out in the media. Nick and I haven’t even announced our break up yet...”

“Why?”

“PR move.”

“Oh, I see.”

“And speaking of PR, Josh and I aren’t interested in being criticized for dating each other. We don’t want people to imply we’re dating to advertise the movies, you know?”

I grab a handful of sand and let it flow through my fingers distractedly.

“So you won’t come out before Mockingjay part 2? That’s awfully long. People will suspect it before then.”

“Maybe. But in the best of worlds, that’s how it would go. We just need to figure out a way to actually go out together without bringing too much attention on us.”

“Isn’t that risky when people still think you’re involved with Nick?”

“Yes, that’s why we don’t see each other except at work or at our houses. But I talked to Liz and we’re gonna leak the news of the break up in January, right before awards season and his movies’ premieres.”

He nods in understanding. I keep staring at Josh, who is trying to stand on his surfboard, but falling in the water constantly.

“He’s playing a surfer in his next movie,” I say with a wistful smile. “He’d better start training soon cause he’s not convincing at all as it is.”

“You really look in love, Jen. It’s nice to see. Even with Nick, you didn’t look that much in love.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

But I can’t hide the smile that draws itself on my lips.

“Are you gonna bring him to a dinner with mom and dad?”

“I don’t know. Could be a good idea.”

I hadn’t thought about it yet. It would make sense to start involving Josh with my family. That would be the kind of outing where we’d have little to no chance of being spotted by the paps. Maybe that would be enough to finally convince him that my love for him is real.

As my gaze turns from my brother to my lover, who has packed his surfboard and is making his way towards us, I smile and get up to meet him. I can’t help but check him out, my eyes landing on his anchor tattoo. Even though I’ve seen Josh naked multiple times, I never took the time to really observe it. I wish I could run my fingers along the lines of it, but I know better; there are still too many oblivious people around us.

Josh plants himself in front of me and smirks.

“Like what you see?”

“Always.”

“How are you, man?” Josh says to my brother, shaking his hand and tapping his back, like guys do.

“I’m on vacation in Hawaii, how could it be anything less than amazing?” Blaine says with a smile. He pulls Josh closer to him and whispers something that I barely catch.

“I know about you and my sister. You better treat her right, or you’ll have to deal with my brother and me.”

I see him swallow heavily and nod. I don’t see why he should be afraid of my brothers, but it doesn’t strike me as particularly odd.

Shortly after, as Josh sits next to me on the sand, we’re called to shoot by Francis. Today, we’re filming the start of the Games, so Josh and I will have to jump in the water and fight back and forth all day long.

After only a few takes, I’m shivering a little despite the warm temperature of the water. Thankfully, I’m allowed to take a break and so is Josh. He takes me by the hand and leads me to a spot at the edge of the jungle that’s well hidden by the leaves. He sits down with his back leaning against the bark of a tree and opens up his arms for me to lie against him. I take a quick look around to confirm nobody’s seeing us, and when I figure we’re alone, I drop to my knees and crawl between his legs. I lie down on his damp body and drop my head on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around me. My hands naturally come to rest on his, and I start slowly stroking his skin as he lowers his mouth to my neck to place a light kiss on it. I sigh and relax, turning my head to nuzzle his neck, eyes closed so I can only focus on Josh and the warmth and love of his embrace.

“What are you doing tonight?” he whispers.

“I don’t know yet. Probably having dinner with my family. Would you like to come with us?”

“You’re going out?”

“Yes.”

I feel him shake his head behind me.

“We can’t risk it yet. Not as long as you’re still officially with Nick. We can go out to eat together with our co-workers, but a family dinner is too private. If we get caught, it’ll be too obvious.”

I sigh. He’s right, as usual.

“We’ll have another chance,” he adds in a hopeful tone.

“Yes. I guess.”

“When are they leaving?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, I see,” he says, a light disappointment in his voice. “Well... let’s have dinner together tomorrow night then?”

“Okay.”

I lift my head from its resting place on his shoulder to face him. He leans in and we share a sweet kiss, his lips moving slowly against mine, our tongues caressing each other’s, our fingers lacing themselves together easily. When we pull away, I lift a hand to cup his cheek and bring his face closer to mine, our foreheads pressed together in an unexpectedly loaded moment, given the kinda public place we’re sitting in right now.

“I’m so tired of having to hide, Josh. You’re always the one I want to spend time with, yet there’s always something to stop us.”

“Fortunately, you’re a homey person,” he says with a smile.

“But you like to go out,” I argue.

“I do,” he admits. His words make me look down in shame, and I let my hand slide off his face. “But I also enjoy spending time at home, cuddled on the couch with you, a bag of Cheetos and a six-pack of beer on the table. Those are the best nights, really.”

He puts a finger under my chin to force me to look at his smile.

“We’ll have to go back on set soon if we don’t want to get discovered,” he sighs.

“I know.” I press my lips to his lightly. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

After my last family dinner, I drop them back at my place and walk to Josh’s house. I knock on the door and he shouts to come in. When I do, I find him sitting at his dining room table, his laptop computer in front of him. He looks lost deep in his thoughts. I walk to him and kiss him on the cheek, taking a look at his computer screen.

“What’s wrong honey?”

“Look at that,” he says, sighing and turning his head aside in disgust.

I look closer and scroll down the page a little bit. There, on the tabloid page, is a whole photo album of our first day of filming in Hawaii.

“Damn. Did they picture us together?”

“I don’t think so. The only time we cuddled was when we hid in the trees. There’s no way their cameras would be that precise, even the people around us didn’t see us sneak in there. But I haven’t looked at all the pictures, so I don’t know.”

I sit on his lap and we browse through the album together. There are several shots of me standing on my pedestal and actually diving into the water. Josh has been mostly papped swimming near his pedestal and walking in the water. There are no shots of us together, fortunately. We didn’t act lovey-dovey towards one another, but there’s still a chance they could have caught a look, a smile, that would betray our involvement. When he reaches the last picture, Josh takes a deep breath and looks up at me. He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“So I guess we’ll have to be even more careful from now on,” he sighs, taking my hand and stroking it gently with his thumb.

“Yes, we will.”

I lean in to kiss him, but before his lips can make contact with mine, he whispers.

“We’ll just have to get creative.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Josh’s POV**

I’ve never felt so at peace with my life than since I’ve traveled to Hawaii and seen Jen with my newfound resolve of enjoying our time together, while planning for our pseudo-relationship to end in a few months at most. I feel like I’m finally in control of my life, and the fact that I’ve stopped rejecting Jen’s affections has freed me of a pressure that was weighing heavily on my mind. Now, I allow myself to enjoy her company almost every night, as we meet to watch a movie on the couch, take a walk on our private beach or take a late night skinny dip in the pool behind my house.

I feel good.

I keep going back in my mind to the night I first got in Hawaii and she surprised me by waiting for me in my empty house, wearing the sexiest nightgown I’ve ever seen, and basically jumping on me as soon as I walked through the doorstep. Every time I have sex with Jen feels wonderful, but this time was special. This time, I wasn’t fighting my feelings anymore and so I let myself worship her body the way I, as a boyfriend rather than a fuck friend, would do. I think she enjoyed it too, judging by the moans she let out and the way she acted in the afterglow of our lovemaking, curling up around me as a real lover would do.

Too bad we aren’t real lovers.

I still have fleeting thoughts about the day in the future where I will have to break off whatever there is between us, but I try not to linger on it. I’m living in the present, and in time, I’ll do what I have to do.

Today is my first day off work since I landed in Hawaii to complete the shoot. I’ve been needed on set almost all the time up to now. It’s been pretty exhausting so far, with long days swimming and running around from dawn until nightfall. The weariness brought on by my night time activities with Jen doesn’t help either, but even if I’d tried to sleep, I couldn’t, knowing a chance like this to be so close to her won’t present itself again in the future.

Thankfully, we can count on multiple breaks because of the rainy weather. Those naps I get to take almost every day are more than welcome.

As is the extra time snuggling with Jen in the comfort of our trailer.

To take advantage of our lone day off, I’ve invited the whole cast and crew for a barbecue at my house tonight. The day starts off less cheerfully than usual as for the first time in days, I wake up alone in a bed that feels too large and foreign to me. Jennifer wrapped up her scenes a little later than I did last night, and so she chose to sleep at her place instead of coming here to share my bed.

The warm Hawaiian sun peeking through the blinds pokes me out of sleep definitely. I blink a few times and take a look at my phone on the nightstand. There’s a text from Jennifer waiting for me.

JENNIFER: Hey sleepyhead! Are you awake yet? Let’s have lunch together? I’m cooking for you. Enjoy it while it lasts, it won’t happen again!

I smile and glance at the clock on the phone. It’s already 10:30; I must have been more tired than I thought. Fortunately, Andre didn’t think of waking me up at a reasonable hour. I type back my answer, wiping the sleep off my eyes so I can see the screen more clearly.

JOSH: I just woke up. That sounds great. I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t disappoint me.

I touch the “Send” icon and get up. I don’t wait for her answer before making my way to the shower.

As I run the soapy sponge all over me, I can’t help but recall her caresses, the softness of her skin, the burning sensation of her curious fingers roaming through my whole body the last time we had sex in her bed two nights ago. I close my eyes and imagine her gentle hands replacing the sponge and her wet mouth making my skin damp in place of the water droplets from the showerhead. As my mind travels deeper into my fantasies, I feel my cock start to get hard. I drop my forehead on the shower wall and start stroking myself slowly. Images of Jennifer’s body rocking on mine fast, her perfect breasts bouncing with her riding my dick, invade my soul. I move my hand faster around my shaft, feeling my arousal getting more and more intense. I enjoy the warming sensation of the hot water running down my back as I’m getting closer to my climax. I picture Jen wrapping her plump lips around my cock, letting her tongue travel all around it as she takes me in deep down her throat, my hands gently caressing her soft, dark hair, and I lose it. I come with a moan that I try to stifle against the wall, the bolt of pleasure making my body shudder. I finish washing myself, turn the water off and get out of the shower.

As I wipe my body with the towel, I hear Andre’s voice from the other side of the bathroom door.

“Jen is here, Josh,” he barks.

Did I lose that much time in the shower?

“Okay, I’ll be there in a couple of minutes,” I reply, rubbing the towel in my tousled, damp hair. I tie the fabric around my waist and get out of the bathroom. I’m startled when I enter my bedroom to retrieve my clothes and find Jennifer sitting on the edge of my bed, legs crossed in front of her and her back facing me, typing a message on her phone. I walk to her silently and bend over her to place a feather light kiss in the space between her neck and shoulder. She jumps in surprise, but quickly relaxes in my embrace, dropping her head to the side to give me better access. I mumble on her skin.

“Hi.”

“Hi, Josh,” she says in a low voice.

I wrap my arms around her and she turns her face towards me. I lift my head up and softly press my lips against hers. We share a sweet kiss that she breaks too quickly.

“I’m hungry,” she says with a smile. “Let’s go. I said I’d prepare something, I will.”

 

* * *

 

After I tell her I just got up and haven’t had breakfast yet, she decides to cook some kind of brunch. I sit on a stool in front of the counter while she prepares an omelet, garnishes it with broccoli and cheddar cheese – she knows how fed up I am with those damn asparagus – fries a few slices of bacon and bakes some diced potatoes. She only lets me prepare a pot of coffee that we’ll share with the meal. After she fills my plate with the food, she prepares herself a salad, in which she sprinkles some shredded cheese and bits of the bacon. We sit next to each other at the dining room table and before I can even take a bite, she cuts a sizeable piece for herself out of my omelet. We’ve done that kind of thing, picking food out of each other’s plate, for as long as I can remember.

“Hmmm,” she moans with a smile. “I’m a good cook, don’t you think?”

“You have lots of talents,” I say, savouring my first bite of the yummy omelet. As I expected, it melts in the mouth, the cheese making a burst of flavors overwhelm my taste buds. “You should cook more often.”

“You should eat with me more often,” she replies with a wink.

“Well, we’d need to see each other more often when we’re not filming,” I point out. I pour some coffee into my mug and do the same with Jen’s. “We don’t have time for home food when we’re on set for sixteen hours starting at six in the morning.”

She nods, steals a slice of bacon from my plate and shoves it in her mouth.

“I’m gonna bake cake balls this afternoon to serve at the party tonight,” I say nonchalantly. She looks at me in surprise, her lovely eyes almost popping out of their sockets.

“No way!” she exclaims. “Make sure to bake an extra batch, or there won’t be enough left for tonight after I have my way with them.”

“I’ll bake plenty, don’t worry,” I say while putting the sugar and milk in my coffee. I take a large gulp and stare at her for a few seconds. Her make-up-free face doesn’t look particularly tired. She has tied her long dark hair into a loose bun and she has put on a tight, grey tank top that reveals the perfect shape of her breasts, along with tiny white shorts that display her luscious thighs. As my eyes roam along her whole body and I start to stiffen, I hear a masculine voice coming from behind.

“Hey guys,” Andre says, taking a mug from the cupboard, sitting next to me at the table and pouring himself a serving of coffee, “what’s the plan for today?”

“I bake. You go buy the stuff we need for the party tonight,” I say with a laugh.

“What do you need?”

“Food! I’m almost out of eggs and milk, and I need unsalted butter for the cake,” I answer, taking a bite of toast. “I also need meat and bread to cook burgers and hot-dogs on the barbecue tonight. Lots and lots of fast food supplies.”

“Alright. Anything else?” he asks, pouring some milk into his coffee.

“I don’t think so. I’ll let you know if I think about anything else.”

He nods and takes a sip. Jen and I are almost done with our plates. She suddenly jumps, startled, and digs in her shorts pocket to retrieve her phone, that’s emitting a loud vibrating sound. She narrows her eyes while reading the message, visibly upset, and starts typing back on the screen furiously.

“What’s up? I ask softly, a feeling of dread getting stronger in the pit of my stomach. I have an intuition I know who has sent the text. It must be the same person she was talking to when I surprised her on my bed earlier.

“Nothing,” she insists, putting her phone back in her pocket with an annoyed expression. I decide to drop the subject, but Andre can’t help trying to protect me the only way he thinks he can.

“Was it Nick?” he asks with a smirk. I glare at him.

“Yes,” Jen sighs.

My bite of omelet almost stays stuck in my throat. I clench my jaw involuntarily, my cheeks get red and I have to fight a burning sensation in my eyes as I feel my heart beat accelerate. She was clear that she had pushed him out of her life – at least for now, until they were forced to spend time together on set of her next _X-Men_ film – so why are they still exchanging texts? It doesn’t make sense.

The thought that we still haven’t committed to one another suddenly crosses my mind, and I remember she can do what she wants as she’s not tied to me in any way. It hurts, but I’ve been adamant to let her be free as long as she would want. Acting like an entitled prick doesn’t fit in the scenario I have been building for the last few months. Therefore, I don’t let Jen add anything before changing subjects.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say in a surprisingly steady voice. “Andre, would you mind going to buy the stuff I need for my cooking right now? Just so I have enough time to bake and decorate the cake balls this afternoon. I’ll text you the list of supplies I need.”

I see the harsh judgment pass in his icy stare, but he eventually sighs, empties his coffee mug down his throat and gets up to leave. He shakes his head at me sadly, but I try to keep a determined expression. He can think whatever he wants, I don’t care.  I’m comfortable with my plan anyway.

After Andre is out, I turn to Jen and catch her hand.

“I’m sorry,” I speak softly. “Who you text or talk to is none of my business, nor is it Andre’s, He’s not trying to be a jerk, just trying to protect me. You get that?”

“Of course,” she replies, lightly stroking the skin on the top of my hand with her thumb. “But you know there’s nothing between Nick and I anymore, right?”

“I know. But honestly, it wouldn’t matter if there was still something. You don’t owe me anything, right? I don’t have any right to demand you only stay with me. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“Is that what you plan to do?” she asks with a sad look. “Fooling around with me and dating other girls at the same time?”

“No. But that still doesn’t mean you owe me anything,” I insist.

She stares at me with a curious expression.

“How can you be so selfless? What we’ve been doing these last few weeks... we may not be an official couple, but I feel involved with you. I can’t picture myself with anyone else other than you.”

“I don’t know.”

I almost tell her that if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my short life so far, it’s that things always change at some point. And I don’t expect it to be different when it comes to her feelings for either me or Nick. There will come a time, down the road, when she realizes I’m not what she needs and she moves on. Likely to Nick’s arms.

But I don’t say any of those things. I’m not ready to get into another argument with her, as she’ll keep trying to convince me that she’s over Nick and even though she doesn’t want to commit, she loves me. I won’t change my mind, not now, not ever.

She gets up to put her empty bowl in the dishwasher. I try to eat the rest of my plate, but I feel like vomiting. Even though I’m acting strong, knowing that she’s still in contact with Nick is making my stomach churn in agony. There’s a bit of apprehension as to what the content of these messages is too. I push my plate away and wash the little bit of food I could swallow with a large gulp of coffee.

When Jen comes back, she starts slowly massaging my shoulders, before moving in front of me and crossing her leg over my thighs to straddle me. She cradles my face in her hands and stares at my eyes with a look full of what I would like to think is love. She slowly leans down to press her mouth against mine. The sweet contact of our lips makes a shiver run down my spine. She wraps her arms around my neck and gently licks my lips. As I respond more eagerly to her insistence, I part my lips and let my tongue tenderly stroke hers. She whimpers and I feel her arms hang even tighter to my upper body. I run my hands down her back to grab a hold of her round ass and pull her even closer to me. I feel her rub my cock through the fabric with her lower body and I gasp in surprise. She lets go of my mouth to trail a path of kisses up my jaw, all the way to my ear, where she softly whispers.

“You’re the only one for me, Josh.”

In the spur of the moment, I abandon myself to the whirlwind of sensations her body is bringing to mine and I don’t question the veracity of her statement. I’m too far gone to be critical any. As she starts kissing my neck, I remember something.

“Jen... I had to text the list to Andre.”

“Do it now,” she murmurs, nibbling on the skin of my throat.

I sigh and take my phone, typing the message as she keeps running her hands all over my body, making me crazy with desire. I’m distracted by her right hand sneaking under my t-shirt and caressing my chest muscles all the way down to the bulge in my shorts. She slides her hand underneath the fabric and starts stroking my already-hard cock. I take a deep breath, touch the “Send” icon and plant a hard kiss on her lips as I drop the phone on the table. As I let our tongues battle furiously in my mouth, she steadies herself by wrapping both her arms around my neck once again, and I cup her ass to lift her up at the same time as I do. Her lips never leave mine as I carry her to my bedroom. When I put her down on my bed and hover over her, quickly removing my shirt, she sighs.

“I don’t know how I could ever have enough of this,” she murmurs, removing her tank top and throwing it on the floor. I press my body against hers and start trailing a path of kisses down her naked chest. I take one of her breasts in my hand and start gently suckling on her delicious flesh. She smells like a mix of her floral soap and the sea, and it’s turning me on so badly.

I want more. Always, impossibly more.

“You could have this forever if you wanted to,” I say without thinking. I feel her body lightly stiffen under my touch, and I lift my head up to stare at her startled look.

“Josh...”

“I know. I don’t want to pressure you. Enjoy,” I add as I wrap my mouth around her nipple. She arches her back to get closer to me and runs her hand in my hair. I keep traveling down her toned stomach with my mouth leaving damp kisses on its path and making her skin erupt into tiny goosebumps. When I finally reach her center, I help her take her shorts off, I burrow myself more comfortably in the mattress and I push on her legs to bring them down. I then slowly part her folds and tentatively give a lick to her clit. She startles at the sensation, her body lifting itself up from the mattress. I smile and look at her face.

“Just relax.”

“I know.”

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I gently caress her bundle of nerves with my finger, before replacing it with my eager tongue. As I lap my way around her folds and suck delicately on her most sensitive part, the sound of her moans resonates in the room and I enjoy the sight of her fisting the sheets in an attempt to steady herself. Seeing her giving in to the pleasure is almost enough to set me off, so I close my own eyes and just focus on my other senses. The taste of her juices. The texture of her delicate skin. The scent of her bodywash. The soft grunts and sighs she lets out when I hum on her clit, creating a vibration that she seems to particularly enjoy.

“Josh... fuck me,” she whispers with her eyes closed.

I don’t need to be told twice. She looks down at me, and I answer with a mischievous smile. As I begin to take my shorts off, finally letting my throbbing erection free, I feel her burning gaze on me. I barely have time to let the shorts reach the floor before she pulls my body to hers and kisses me hard, as if she was trying to convey the strong emotions she was feeling towards me. She’s probably just particularly horny.

Since I don’t think I’ll be able to last more than a few seconds if I look at her in the eyes, I motion for her to turn around and take a kneeling position. She stands on all fours on the bed in front of me, giving me a perfect view of her amazing ass. I lean to kiss the rounded flesh of her buttocks, and then I trail a path of kisses up her spine, making her shiver in anticipation. She pushes her back into my front as I reach her neck, both of us now sitting on our knees. As I pepper the side of her neck with kisses, she reaches for my hands and wraps them around her waist.

“I want to take you from behind,” I say, my voice heavy with lust. Somehow, we haven’t tried that position yet.

She takes my hand and guides it to her clit. I start running a finger in circles around it, making her shudder in my arms.

“Go ahead.”

I drop one last kiss on her shoulder, then she bends in front of me and I align my cock with her entrance. As I slowly push it inside, she gasps.

“Are you okay?” I ask, concerned.

“Yes. It’s just deeper than usual. Go slow at first, I’ll tell you when to go faster.”

“Alright.”

I grip her hips and start moving painfully slow. After a few shallow thrusts, I start feeling her relax completely.

“Okay. Faster,” she whispers.

I bend down to kiss her back and start thrusting faster and deeper into her. She moans louder than I’ve ever heard her, and I wonder why we didn’t think of trying this position before. As I start feeling the telltale signs of my imminent orgasm, though, I understand why. I slow down a little bit, focusing on my hands caressing the golden skin of her back, tracing the outline of her bones with my fingers. When I feel like I’m back in control, I firmly grip her skinny waist and push into her a little faster. I bring one hand to her front to stroke her clit in rhythm with my thrusts, and as I feel my whole body getting close to completion, I wrap my arm around her waist and lift her back into my chest in one swift movement. I keep thrusting as fast as I can, circling her clit with my finger, and leaning my head over her shoulder to place open-mouthed kisses on her collarbone. Suddenly, I freeze after a long thrust, and I take a deep breath, increasing the pressure on her clit as I try to get her off at the same time as I do. Her moans get increasingly louder, until I feel her walls clench around my semi-hard dick, still burrowed deep into her folds. She lets her breath get more regular and drops her head on my shoulder. I hold her tighter into my arms, and she finally bends over to lie down on the bed. I get down next to her and kiss her lips softly.

“That was awesome,” I say with a huge smile.

She grins in return. I place a hand on her chest to feel her galloping heartbeat.

“You are awesome,” she whispers in my ear. “I love you.”

I turn my face towards her, taking in her expression. She seems perfectly sincere. I start doubting my plan, but I figure she will have realized she doesn’t mean what she says by then. Still, I don’t hold myself back from telling her how I truly feel, despite my doubts regarding her own feelings.

“I love you too,” I whisper back.

 

* * *

 

We don’t linger in my bed for too long as the grocery store isn’t far from the house and Andre should be back quickly. After we clean ourselves and dress back up, I return to the dining room and look at my phone. Andre has texted me twice while I was away.

ANDRE: How many bags of icing sugar do you want?

ANDRE: Did you forget the booze or you’re well-stocked already?

I smile and text him back to take two bags and bring some booze as well, apologizing for taking time to reply. I burst out laughing when I see his answer.

ANDRE: I figured you were busy doing naughty things in the bedroom. Be careful Josh. I’m not digging that she’s over Nick yet. That text this morning, that doesn’t smell good. Sorry.

I sigh and type back a reply.

JOSH: I know what I’m doing. I have a plan. It will all work out in the end, you’ll see.

His answer comes back quickly.

ANDRE: We’ll talk about this later.

I don’t even bother replying. Jen fills the dishwasher with the plates we used for lunch, before taking the sponge and cleaning the counter.

“You know that Nick would never wring out the sponges,” she says with a dreamy smile. “He always said it grossed him out.”

“I’m not surprised,” I mutter, trying to hide my annoyance at the fact that she can’t seem to do any simple thing without reminiscing of her time with her ex. I know I’m not being fair; they were together for two whole years, after all. And as her best friend, I’m supposed to support her. But every time I hear his name come out of her mouth, it’s like I get punched in the gut. It reminds me that I’ll never make such a lasting impression on her.

“Sorry,” she apologizes. It’s useless, but I’m not gonna act like a whiny jerk for a foolish thing like that. She wipes the counter quickly, rinses and wrings out the sponge, and dries out her hands on the towel. She walks to me and wraps her arms around my torso from behind, resting her cheek on my shoulder as she looks away in the distance.

“You know, I realized I liked the way he was at the beginning of our relationship,” she adds. I stiffen, but she slightly tightens her hold on me as she speaks. “But he has changed so much. He’s become bitter and jealous. If he was still the man I met on the set of _X-Men_ back then, maybe I’d still love him. But he’s not the same man anymore. And that’s why I couldn’t get back with him, ever.”

“Maybe.”

If she can remember that the next time she finds herself in front of him, maybe she’ll be right. But anyway, that doesn’t mean she’ll love me enough to want to spend her life with me. In fact, that’s highly unlikely it’ll ever happen. And so I decide to dismiss what she just said and just change subjects.

“Will you help me get ready? I’ll start on the cakes as soon as Andre comes back with the ingredients.”

“Sure.”

As we gather the pans and measuring cups and spoons, Andre comes back from the grocery store with his arms full of bags. Jennifer helps him unpack and I start measuring and preparing the ingredients for the cake. They don’t say a word to each other; the awkwardness caused by the whole situation that happened earlier this morning still hasn’t dissipated.

When I’m done with the mix, I let Jen taste it. As I expected, she moans in pleasure and gives me a thumbs up.

“You really are Peeta, you know?” she says with a smile.

I think, “’Down to the loving a girl who doesn’t love you back’ part,” but I don’t voice it. Instead, I peck her lips.

“Thanks for the compliment. Now let’s pour this down in the pans and bake it so we can crumble it and mold it into balls. We’ll get started on the icing afterwards.”

While the cake bakes, I prepare the icing like an expert. I make two batches, one vanilla-flavored and one chocolate-flavored. Jen helps me as best as she can, acting as my official taste-tester, leading me to add more sugar here, more chocolate there. When we’re both satisfied with the end product, we wash our hands and crash on the couch to wait for the cake to cool off. As soon as I turn on the TV, the sensation of my phone buzzing in the jean pocket that’s closest to Jen makes us both jump. She bursts out laughing as I take it out and read the message.

SAM: Hey man, mind if we get at your place a little early? We’re boooooored!

I smile and turn to Jen, showing her the message.

“Of course he can get here early,” she says, taking my phone out of my hands to type the reply herself.

JOSH: Hi Sam, it’s Jen, Josh is busy, but you can come as soon as you want! We’ll be waiting for you!

I laugh when I see her message.

“I’m not busy?”

“Oh you will be...” she whispers seductively, dropping the phone on the couch and moving to sit on my lap. We share a long kiss that’s interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Get a room, you two!” Andre says, falsely annoyed.

“Don’t you have things to do this afternoon?” I ask with a smirk.

“Except keeping an eye on you, nope,” he replies.

“I’m big enough to watch after myself, thank you very much.”

“Yes, but I don’t trust you to make thoughtful decisions.”

I share an uneasy look with Jen, before looking down and sighing.

“Andre... please, leave it alone for now, okay?”

“Alright. I’ll be in the backyard if you need me.”

“Thanks.”

I hear the sliding door open and close then turn my face back towards Jen. She’s gently stroking my cheek with her thumb, a sad expression spoiling her pretty face.

“He really doesn’t trust me,” she says in a disappointed tone.

“He’ll come around.”

I bite my lip. She doesn’t know our time together is ticking, and neither does he. Yet.

“What can I do?” she asks in a hopeful voice. “I don’t want to push you away from one of your best friends.”

“Give him time, that’s the only way,” I reply. “I’ll talk to him soon.”

“Alright.”

She leans down to peck my lips, then slides to sit next to me, her legs over my thighs. She curls her body into mine, tucks her head under my chin and rests her hand on my chest. We watch TV in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s close presence, when a knock on the door makes us jump.

“Come in!” I yell.

The door opens to reveal Sam and his fiancée Laura. They’re both holding bags with what looks like bottles of liquor. Oh, we’re gonna have so much fun tonight.

Jen and I get off the couch to greet our friends. I hug Sam tightly and kiss Laura on the cheeks, before taking their bags to the kitchen. Jennifer and Laura start talking about girly stuff, so Sam meets me in the kitchen while I start crumbling the cold cake to shape the balls. He leans on the counter and speaks in a low voice.

“So, it looks like it got better between you and Jen?”

“It did,” I reply in the same tone. “But that’s because I decided to give up.”

“What do you mean?” he furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“I’m not fighting her anymore, it’s useless. I had a choice between being heartbroken now, or enjoying a little time with her and being heartbroken later. I chose to live by the day and deal with the heartbreak later.”

“How can you be so sure it’s not gonna work?” he sounds puzzled. Without looking up, I mash the last piece of cake a little too hard and attempt to mix the mess I made with the crumbs into the icing, barely paying attention to what I’m doing.

“Cause I’m gonna end it when the time is right. I’m gonna set her free.”

I look up and take in his questioning stare.

“That’s the best solution for both of us, Sam,” I say with a sigh. “She’ll be free to go back to her ex whom she’s still hung out on and I’ll have had a few weeks of happiness with her. That’s the best I could have asked for, really.”

“Why would she go back with her ex? Didn’t you tell me she had kicked him out of her life?”

“Well, they may not see each other anymore, but they sure do text a lot for people supposedly back to being relative strangers. And she keeps talking about things he did while they were together, how he’s changed and that’s why she doesn’t love him anymore and all that shit.”

I see him look down and shake his head. He skirts around the counter and hugs me tightly, like the big brother I never had. Maybe that’s the main reason why we get along so well. He’s really like a brother to me.

“I’m so sorry, man. You deserve so much better than that. I don’t understand her.”

“Neither do I. But there’s nothing to understand. But you know what?”

He pulls away from me and stares at my eyes questioningly.

“I don’t care.”

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I’m glad that Laura made the trip to Hawaii with her fiancé. They are such a great couple to hang out with. Sam is mostly closer to Josh while it really clicked between me and Laura. Spending time with her helps the feeling of jealousy I get when Josh and Sam fall into their own bubble to fade away; at least, I’m not alone and I can still enjoy myself with somebody.

Sam and Laura think we don’t hear them having sex in his trailer most filming days. At least, that takes some of the attention off Josh and me.

From the corner of my eyes, I see Josh and Sam head for the kitchen. I toy with the idea of hanging outside on the terrace, but think better of it when I remember that’s where Andre went to blow off steam earlier. I’ll wait until Josh talks to him before walking in his path willingly. However, I figure it doesn’t hurt to at least check if he’s there before ruling out the terrace as a hanging place altogether. Pointedly, he’s nowhere in sight, so I lead Laura to a set of chairs down by the pool and we sit. As soon as my bottom hits the seat, I hear my phone’s notification sound. I sigh and take it from my pocket. As I expected, it’s Nick again. I frown.

“Do you have a problem?” Laura asks gently.

“Yes. A big problem. Wait a minute.”

I check the message and shake my head.

NICK: I really want us to start over. Please, give me a chance? It’s gonna be a mess when we film next year if we don’t at least try.

I turn to Laura, who’s looking at me with a puzzled expression.

“It’s my ex. He’s pressuring me into getting back with him,” I sigh. “I wish I could push him out of my life completely, but I can’t. We’ll be working together on a huge movie next year. And it’s on location in another country. And he knows how charming he is...”

“Why don’t you cut him off and wait until you have to film the actual movie before talking to him again?” she asks, her voice seemingly devoid of any judgment.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I stare at Nick’s message on my phone, unable to think of anything to say in reply.  “I can’t block him from sending me text messages. And it hurts every time I get a message from him because he keeps reminding me of the past. Like, this morning, he was asking me to recall how we would spend nights on his couch eating Cheetos and watching bad shows together... or how we’d flirt around on the set, or how he’d whisper jokes in my ear before getting on the red carpet. “

“Do you still have feelings for him?”

“I don’t think so,” I answer with a deep sigh.

“So you’re not sure.”

I shake my head slowly.

“I think I may still have some sort of feelings for the old Nick. But either he’s changed, or he was hiding this jerky side of him from me the whole time. Either way... I need to move on. It’s in the past now.”

“What about Josh?” she asks softly.

“We’re just having fun,” I reply in a shaky voice.

I’m not convinced. Neither that he knows it nor that it’s the way I actually consider our relationship. Besides, the little voice in my head reminds me that I’ve told him I loved him several times in the last few weeks, and that when he made love to me in his bedroom the first night he landed here in Hawaii, I was convinced that I was definitely in love with him. Laura senses my hesitation, and gives me a small smile.

“You sound like you’re trying to persuade yourself,” she chuckles.

“There may be a part of that,” I admit.

“How do you feel when you’re with him?”

I look down and picture Josh in my mind. His beautiful smile, his sensual voice, his bright puppy eyes. I think of how his presence near me makes my heart race, how his touch on my skin makes me burn with desire. I almost feel his breath on my neck, making me quiver. I remember the powerful orgasm he gave me this morning, and the way I felt so loved in his strong arms afterwards. I sigh.

“I feel good. Loved. Safe from the paparazzi. I’m at the point where I’d spend all my time with him if I could. It scares me because I felt the same with Nick. Well, maybe not the paparazzi part, they weren’t following us as much back then. But you see how it ended.”

“Yeah, I get it. You don’t want to commit if it’s gonna end badly.”

“Exactly.”

I’m relieved that finally, someone understands my dilemma.

“But if you bow out in fear like that, you’ll pass the opportunity of being happy, have you thought about that? The way you talk about Josh... you sound like you’re madly in love, Jennifer. You sound like me when I fell in love with Sam. And in a lot of ways, Sam and Josh are very much alike, so I understand where it all comes from.”

I nod and stick my gaze on the piercing blue of the pool water.

“Can I give you some advice, Jen?”

“Sure, go ahead. I need it.” I turn my gaze back to her. She pinches her lips into a thin line, as if she’s hesitating to let out what she’s about to say.

“Make sure you don’t take Josh for granted. Like, you may think your relationship is enough for him now, but he may give up at some point if he feels there’s no hope.”

“How do you know that?”

“Experience... before I met Sam, I fell in love with this guy, but I was just out of a nasty break up and I didn’t want to take the risk of actually dating him. We fooled around, and just as I was ready to commit, he turned his back on me and left. I don’t want this to happen to either of you, even more given the way you speak of your feelings for each other. It’s so obvious you’re in love... don’t let him go.”

I think about what she just said for a while, before nodding softly.

“I will try. But it’s not as easy in my case. I want to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes I did with Nick. And for that, I have to take the time to think about it before I get involved with someone else. I know I may have gone too far too quickly in my relationship with Josh, but there’s still time to figure it all out without being officially together.”

“You know it better than I do. Just be careful.”

“I will.”

 

* * *

 

A few minutes later, as our discussion has turned to Laura and Sam’s upcoming wedding preparations, I see both men get out of the house and walk towards us. Sam leans down to kiss Laura and Josh stays behind my chair, his hand resting on the back. I lift my own hand to take his and pull him towards me. I turn my face to his and smile.

“They both know. No need to be stiff around them.”

He smiles and lightly pecks my lips.

“Alright. I brought you a few cake balls to taste-test.”

I straighten up on my chair instantly, turning my body towards him with a huge grin. He takes the small plate from behind his back and hands it to me. I pick one piece of cake and shove it in my mouth in one single bite. I moan in appreciation and stand up to hug Josh tightly. After I swallow, I pull back to face him and whisper.

“They’re amazing. Just like the baker who made them.”

He gives me a beaming smile. I’m about to kiss him when my phone’s incoming message sound interrupts us once again. I see Josh’s face fall and he quickly pulls away.

“I have some stuff to prepare before the others arrive,” he says in a flat voice. “Take care of your things.”

“Josh...”

He makes his way inside the house without ever turning back. Sam is glaring at me, while Laura looks perplexed.

“Don’t you look at it?” Sam asks with definite disdain in his eyes.

I look at the house. I can make out Josh’s hunched form, bent over the back of a chair in the dining room, looking perfectly still. I slowly take the phone out of my pocket and glance at the screen rapidly, sighing.

NICK: Are you okay? I’m still waiting for a reply. You can’t tell me you felt nothing when you saw me the other day. I still love you. It’s not too late for us.

I slowly look up into Sam’s angry eyes. My gaze shifts to Laura’s confused expression.

“I know it’s none of my business,” Sam says in an annoyed tone. “But Josh has become one of my best friends and I don’t like to see him hurt. At all. So you better have a very good explanation for this shit.”

“Sam...” Laura says, standing up and putting her hand on his arm to calm him.

I sit back in my chair and look down.

“I’m so confused, and no one understands me,” I start with a low voice. “It’s like I’m torn between the past and the future, so the present doesn’t make any sense. As much as I’d like to be totally over Nick, I don’t think I can say that I am at this point. His messages are making me so confused right now-“

“Then why do you keep leading Josh on like that?” Sam asks angrily.

“Sam, let her speak,” Laura says in a soft voice, tightening her hold on his arm.

“I’m not trying to lead him on, Sam. I may have made a mistake by giving in to my attraction too quickly, but if there’s one thing I’m certain, it’s that I deeply love him. And when I’m with him, it’s like I forget everything else. The night he arrived in Hawaii, I told myself that I had moved on, that I was ready to really commit to him. But then, Nick reminded me of all we had shared together in the past, and I don’t know, I realized I miss this. So basically I just don’t know what I want anymore.”

Sam doesn’t answer right away, only staring at me with the same hard, judging expression. I feel so small under his gaze, so ashamed for being so clueless about my own life. I’m surprised when he kneels in front of me, lifting my chin with his fingers to make me look at him. His face has turned from an icy look to a comforting one.

“Jen... the way you speak about this, it seems like you don’t exactly miss Nick, you miss your old life with him. Is that correct?”

“I guess it is.”

“And do you really think going back to him will turn your life back to what it was back then?”

“I don’t know.”

But thinking about it, I know I’m lying to myself. That life I enjoyed with Nick was before I became famous. I’m not being fair to myself – nor to Josh – if I keep hoping I could ever get back to that quiet life. Thinking Nick is the key to this is even more unfair.

Sam senses my thoughts and stands up, still looking down at me.

“I’m sure you know, it’s just too painful to admit right now. But remember that while you’re figuring this out, you’re hurting Josh more and more. And one day, maybe soon, you may no longer have a choice in the matter.”

He walks to the house without another word. I see him disappear inside. Josh has since moved from the dining room to God-knows-where. Laura puts her hand on my shoulder in an encouraging gesture.

“Do you guys know something about Josh I don’t?”

“Not me,” she replies. “Sam, maybe. I don’t really know. If he does, that’s between Josh and him.”

I nod and get up, taking a deep breath to calm my nerves. As I begin walking towards the house, Laura stops me abruptly.

“Shouldn’t you reply to your message?”

The damn message.

“Thanks, I would have forgotten.”

I take my phone out of my pocket and finally type a reply, before making my way inside the house to find Josh and clear things up.

JENNIFER: Please leave me alone. You’re the one making this awkward. I’m not gonna come back on my decision. Live with it.

 

* * *

 

When I get back in the house, I find Sam and Josh having a beer in the living room. I shyly approach them. Sam makes eye contact with me, looks at Josh with a sad smile and pats his shoulder amicably before getting up.

“I’ll let you talk,” he says, walking past me to the sliding door and going outside, out of ear-range.

I sit on the couch next to Josh, fidgeting with my hands resting on my tightly-closed legs. He doesn’t even chance a look at me, instead choosing to stare at a random point in the distance while taking large gulps of his beer. Seeing him upset is causing a wave of sadness to go through me, and I have to fight back the tears quickly forming at the corners of my eyes in order to let the words out.

“Josh?” I say in a low voice. “It’s really not what you think.”

“Even if it was-“ he starts in a shaky voice, still not looking at me.

“It’s not,” I interrupt him quickly, resolutely.

He slowly shakes his head, looking down and running a hand over his face. He looks so dejected, disappointed.

“I’m not mad at you,” he continues. “I’m mad at myself right now.”

“Why?”

He sighs.

“Because I was a fool. I know you still have feelings for him. You owe me nothing. We were just having fun, right?”

He turns to me and I feel my heart sink when I take in his appearance. With his red, puffy eyes and tussled hair, he truly looks devastated.

“It’s more than that, you know it, Josh,” I say softly. “Look, let me explain, okay?”

“Okay.”

I look down and retrieve my phone from my pocket.

“Nick has been sending me a few texts since this morning. He’s trying to crawl back under my skin.”

He nods and takes a deep breath. I cover his hand with my own and he looks up at me with a confused expression. I hand him the phone.

“Read them.”

“Jen, it’s none of my-“

“Read. Them.” I insist.

He looks down at the phone in my hand, then back up at my face before grabbing the phone with a sigh. I observe him as he goes through my conversation with Nick, from the first message where he’d asked me to get back with him, to the second one reminding me of our old life together, both of which I didn’t end up answering. His eyes go over the third message, the one that came in while we were eating lunch earlier and that made me so mad I finally replied in anger. He was telling me how he’d worship my body if he could see me now, and reminding me of our past trysts. Josh reads and quickly scrolls past my reply saying it’s inappropriate and to stop sending me that kind of message, then takes in the last three texts before handing me back the phone and turning to look at me, his face set in an unreadable expression. I decide I should tell him the truth; otherwise, he’ll never trust me.

“I’ll be honest with you. I’m still confused. But the more I think about it, and talk about it with people around me, the more I realize it’s not Nick per se that I miss. It’s my old life. And getting back with him won’t give me back my old life.”

“You want to go back to your old life?” he asks softly.

“Not all of it,” I say in a shaky voice, getting where he’s heading. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to a more quiet life, but I’d never regret my choice of accepting this part. Never.”

He looks away, trying to hide his pained expression, but I can still see it in his slumped shoulders and slightly shaky body. I get closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder, startling him.

“I wouldn’t have asked him to leave me alone if I was interested in getting back with him, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” he sighs.

He doesn’t seem convinced. I slide even closer to him and wrap my arms around his torso, resting my chin on his shoulder. He finally turns his face towards me.

“I’m giving you an out, Jen,” he whispers. “If you want to go back to him, you can. I won’t be mad at you and I’ll move on.”

My heart gets heavy. He can’t possibly be asking me this.

“I want you to be happy,” he continues, still in a low voice. “He made mistakes, but he’s probably realized it by now and he must have changed. If you really want to go back to your old life with him-“

“I don’t,” I quickly say, tightening my hold on his body and feeling a tear go down my cheek. “It’s over between us. It has been for a long time. And I’m glad I had the strength to end it all and not go back to him.”

“You shouldn’t need strength to not go back to him,” he says in a cracking voice, his eyes glistening with the tears he refuses to let drop. “That means you’re fighting it. That means you’re fighting against your own wishes. If he makes you happy, why would you deprive yourself of his love?”

“Because I can’t picture myself without you anymore, Josh.”

“Really?” I recognize hope in his tone.

Instead of answering with words, I lean in to capture his mouth in a slow kiss. He quickly responds by turning his upper body towards me and raising his arms to cup my face with his hands, deepening the kiss, as if to convey to me the strength of his feelings. I’m swept away by the strong attraction that exists between us, by the powerful emotions only he can arouse in me. Overwhelmed by the wave of sensations his eager mouth and warm, curious hands are bringing to me, I pull him as close to me as I can. When I finally detach my lips from his to take a deep breath, I press my forehead against his own and whisper, my heart beating furiously in my chest.

“I love you, Josh. I’m happy with you. I wish we could go out, like a real couple, but it’s not important. What matters is that we can spend time together outside of work.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you still upset now?”

He sighs.

“I guess not.”

“Could you talk to Andre then? I don’t really dig his sulking face,” I say with a chuckle.

“I could do that,” he answers with a small smile.

 

* * *

 

Andre comes back to the house before the rest of the guests arrive. I’m still sitting on the couch with Josh when he walks in, so I tap his thigh and make my way to the kitchen to cut some vegetables and let them talk. A few minutes later, Andre joins me in the kitchen, taking a knife to help me with the vegetables.

“I’m sorry for judging you,” he finally says in a friendly tone. “I’ve been very concerned for Josh since the very beginning of this shoot back in Atlanta.”

“I know. And you were a great friend to worry like that. He’s lucky to have you by his side.”

“I’m glad we agree on this.”

I stop cutting the carrot I’ve got in my hand and lift my head up to look at him. He’s focused on a green pepper, no trace of irritation darkening his features whatsoever. I figure he may not trust me fully yet, but at least he’s no longer angry with me.

When we’re done with the vegetables, I put them in a plate that I bring on the table outside while Sam and Laura fill another table with carton plates and plastic cups. Josh brings a cooler out, drops a bag of ice cubes in it and makes a few trips to the kitchen to fill it with beer, juice, soft drinks and white wine bottles. Andre brings a few bottles of red wine along. When we’re done, I turn to Josh and he wraps his arms around my waist.

“Is there anything else I can do?” I ask suggestively.

“Switch this,” he says, tugging on my tank top, “for this,” he points Laura’s swimsuit, that is lying around on a chair as she’s about to go put it on.

“That sounds like a good idea,” I reply, pecking his lips. “As long as you take this off,” I add while tugging on his top, “and meet me in the pool.”

“Deal.”

I smile and return to his bedroom, where I pick up the bikini I had packed in my bag and quickly put it on. I take a look at myself in the mirror and untie my hair, messing it with my hands. I snatch my beach skirt and wrap it around my waist before making my way back outside.

I find Josh standing next to the pool, talking to Laura and Sam who are sharing an embrace in the shallow part. I silently walk behind him, take off the skirt, and in a quick movement, I catch his hand and jump in the pool, making him plunge in the water unwillingly behind me. He gasps when he gets his head out of the water, and I swim in front of him with a wicked smile.

“That was mean!” he exclaims, sneaking his arms around my waist. I cross my legs over his back and wrap my arms around his neck. We drift slowly to the edge of the pool, which is shallow enough to set foot on the bottom of the pool.

“What are you gonna do?” I ask him with a wink.

“I don’t know,” he replies, running his hand on the part of my back that’s out of the water, making a jolt of electricity surge throughout my body. “I think I’m gonna forgive you for this one. Or I may retaliate later. I still have to think about it.”

“Oh yeah?” I say, bringing my face closer to his, teasing his lips with the closeness of my mouth.

“Yes,” he whispers, pressing his lips against mine. I quickly open my mouth to let him in. His hands slide down into the water with a splash that wets my back and makes me shiver. I feel him cup my ass under the water and pull my body closer to his. I grip his shoulders tighter in response and press my breasts to his naked torso. The sensation of his mouth devouring mine quickly fills me with want. For a moment, I forget everything, everything but the softness of his tongue, the feeling of his hands roaming all over my body under the water, the droplets that fall from his wet locks onto the side of my face.  I pull my lips away to breathe and latch my mouth to his neck in a series of light kisses that he’s quick to return. I can’t get enough of the salty taste of his skin. When I start to feel his erection pressing against my center, I suddenly remember we’re not alone. Sam yells at us from the other end of the pool, as if he was reading my thoughts.

“Hey lovebirds, get a room!”

I freeze, my lips still resting on Josh’s neck, and I feel him drop his face to my shoulder to hide his laughter. He finally lifts his head towards mine and whispers with a bright smile.

“We’ll catch up when everybody’s gone.”

 

* * *

 

We’re still swimming and cuddling in the pool, bathing in the sunset light when the guests start to arrive. Justine, who has spent the day wandering around Oahu with a friend who made the trip with us – I didn’t want to feel bad leaving her all by herself while I spent time with Josh again, like I did in Atlanta – meets us, as do most of the cast and crew.

Josh reluctantly gets out of the pool to take his place as the grill man. He probably also thinks I don’t want us to show any PDA in front of our coworkers, even though we’re both aware our relationship isn’t the most well-guarded secret on set. I stay in the pool for a little longer, Jena eventually joining me for a swim.

“Hey, how are you?” she asks, leaning against the side of the pool next to me.

“I’m fine. Better than I was earlier today,” I reply with a sigh.

She frowns.

“What happened?”

I tell her the story of my day, from Nick’s incessant text messages to the misunderstanding with Josh that led me to understand I wasn’t really attracted to Nick anymore, just to my old life with him, something I could never get back, not with him, not with anyone else. I’m happy to be able to talk to her about this; she’s a great listener and she always gives good advice.

“So you made up with Josh?”

“I think so,” I say with a blush.

“That’s great!” she beams. “Are you gonna be official anytime soon?”

I shake my head.

“Not yet. I’d say we’re testing the waters. We have to be careful until the news of my break up comes out, then we don’t want our relationship to leak in the media before we’re done with the series. That’s a long time down the road,” I sigh.

“I know. But, I mean, in private? Do you consider him your boyfriend?”

“We haven’t officialised it in that way, yet.”

“What are you waiting for?”

I look at her excited eyes. I don’t even know what to answer. It’s always been clear in my head that it was too soon to use that kind of word to describe my relationship with someone, given that I just broke up with a long-term boyfriend. But I have to admit my relationship with Josh is serious. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m dying of making it official between us, even though I’m scared to death of making a mistake that will jeopardize our love, or even worse, our friendship.

“I don’t know what I’m waiting for,” I let out with a sigh.

“Then go ahead! Don’t wait until he’s slipped between your fingers before making a move.”

“Not you too?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re the third person today who warns me to be careful not to lose Josh. Do you all know something I don’t?”

“I don’t think so. It’s just a possibility. But I’m sure it won’t happen,” she smiles in a reassuring way.

“Yeah, I guess. Okay, I’m hungry, let’s go eat.”

I swim towards the ladder and get out of the pool, grabbing a towel on a chair nearby. Jena follows not long after me. I tie the towel around my waist and walk to the grill, where Josh is busy cooking burgers and hot-dogs. I wait until he’s gotten farther away from the barbecue and wrap my arms around him, pressing my chest against his back.

“It smells delicious.”

“Thank you,” he says, turning his face towards mine to speak in a low voice. “Aren’t you afraid of showing PDA...?”

“Not with these guys,” I answer, kissing him quickly. “They all guessed anyway. And nobody is gonna talk to the press about us. And there’s no paps around. And I want you. Are these enough reasons to allow this?”

“I think it’s good enough, yes,” he chuckles, turning around and cupping my cheeks to give me a long, hard kiss.

“Take care of your food before it burns!” I say with a laugh.

He winks and turns back to the grill. I walk to the refreshments table and pour myself a glass of red wine. I take a look around the yard and smile. Everyone is either talking to someone or swimming in the pool. Sam and Laura have gotten out and are sitting on a couch, Laura resting her back against Sam’s chest. Justine is playing beach volleyball with Andre and a few of the other actors. I see Francis has arrived too and is talking with Jeffrey and Woody around the pool, a beer in his hand. My smile widens as I think about how much I love these people. They’ve truly become like a second family to me.

I don’t want to think about the day I’ll stop working with them. Not yet.

“Is anybody hungry?” Josh yells suddenly. I grab a plate and run to him.

“You should have asked me first!” I pout, handing him my plate.

“I have enough time to serve you before they all come here,” he answers, picking bread and meat with his barbecue tongs and dropping them in my empty plate. I thank him, garnish my food with cheese and ketchup, and put my plate on a nearby table, along with my glass of wine. As I see the other guests slowly making their way towards the grill, I walk back to Josh and whisper in his ear.

“Let them serve themselves. I wanna eat with you.”

His gaze goes from me, to them, before he prepares his own plate and drops the tongs on the side shelf.

“Josh!” Andre yells. “Go eat, I’ll take care of this.”

He smiles at him, shouts a loud “thanks” in response and picks up his plate, following me to the bistro table where I had left my food, my wine and his beer.

“Hum, this is perfect,” I mumble, my mouth full of food.

“I’m glad you like it,” he says before taking a bite.

I look around us and my gaze lingers on Andre for a while.

“He apologized to me, you know,” I say.

Josh looks at me with a small smile.

“I know. I asked him to. But it was already his intention as soon as I told him the truth about Nick’s messages. He had no more argument.”

“Yeah. He’s a very good friend to you. He was right to be suspicious and try to protect you.”

His smile falls quickly.

“What do you mean...? Jen? You’re not telling me we were right to think-“

“No, no! Of course, not. I was just saying that it’s a blessing to have a friend so concerned about your well-being, willing to stand up for you. If I was somebody else, it could have been true. But I wouldn’t play with your heart like that. I’m not like that, and I love you too much for that.”

His confused face turns back into a smile.

“I’m glad to hear that.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Josh’s POV**

The party at my house was a success. The whole cast and crew had so much fun playing around, eating, drinking, smoking. Jen and I enjoyed ourselves a lot, chasing each other around the yard, diving into the pool, sharing discreet kisses.

The highlight of the night was the moment we all held hands and ran into the ocean together. Jen got taken by surprise when the soft sand under our feet suddenly gave way to a deep void as we swam into a cliff. She gripped my shoulders tightly and screamed as the other cast and crew members just burst out laughing. As I pulled her closer to me to calm her down, she whispered in my ear that she got scared we’d fall down and die.

I have to admit that her concern for me surprised me, but I didn’t dwell on it for too long. Instead, I savoured her impossibly close presence, the sight of her damp hair glistening under the moonlight, and the sensation of her lips as she peppered my skin with kisses. I couldn’t wait to resume what we had started in the pool earlier.

When everybody but Andre was gone, we waited until he went to bed before going for a midnight dip in the pool. The water had cooled a little bit, but it was still very comfortable. There, we could finally surrender to the passion that had consumed us all day long.

Afterwards, we dried ourselves up and spooned in my bed. I had a hard time falling asleep, still overwhelmed by the mix of emotions I’d felt all day. But I eventually drifted off, and the sound of the alarm clock is pretty hard to stomach this morning.

I lift my arm over Jen’s sleeping form and snatch my phone to snooze. She doesn’t even wake up, only turning around in my arms to cuddle closer into me. I kiss her head and sigh.

“We have to get up, love. We’re working today.”

“Oh yeah...” she mumbles. “Five minutes?”

“Five minutes.”

I try to keep my eyes open, but it doesn’t work. Before I can truly fall back asleep though, I’m distracted by the sensation of Jen’s warm mouth dropping wet kisses all over the skin of my throat. Reluctantly, I open my eyes, take a deep breath and look down at Jen who rises up, resting on her elbow and leaning down to plant a sweet kiss on my lips.

“We need to get up. We have a long day ahead of us,” she whispers.

I nod and run a hand over my face to will the sleep to go away, before Jen slides out of the bed and takes my hand to force me to get up.

“Let’s stay here a little longer,” I suggest, pulling her body back onto the bed and into my arms. “We’ll have breakfast on set.”

“Okay. But I could really take a shower...” she taunts me.

“Oh yeah? I needed it too. Too bad, we’ll have to share,” I wink.

“Damn, I thought I’d finally have a moment to myself without having to endure your sorry ass,” she jokingly whines.

I hug her to me tightly and force us into an upright position. She laces her arms around my neck and plays with my hair, a teasing smile lighting up her face. 

“Sorry, as long as you’re sleeping in my house, you’re stuck with me!” I chuckle softly, before tightening my hold on her for a little moment.

Then, we half-heartedly untangle ourselves from each other and get off the bed. I grab her hand and pull her with me into the bathroom for a moment of intimacy that’s way too brief for my liking.

 

* * *

 

These days, we’re filming deeper in the jungle, so we’re less worried about paparazzi finding us. Jen and I don’t bother arriving separately anymore, and so after our usual hair and make-up/costume routine, we stop together at the catering tent for our breakfast and morning coffee. We sit on our assigned chairs to eat and review the scene we’ll film today.

It’s one of the sequences I’ve been looking forward to the most: the force field scene, in which my character dies and is revived by Finnick, triggering a shocking reaction by Katniss. I can’t wait to see how Jen plays that. She’s always so powerful in strong, emotional scenes. Those are the scenes I enjoy playing with her the most.

I stare at Jen, who is deeply focused on learning her lines, her mouth moving in silence and her eyes rolling from left to right as she reads the script in her head. I can’t help but smile. After a while, she senses my gaze on her and lifts her head up, throwing me an annoyed glare.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I shrug, my smile never fading. “You’re beautiful,” I add in a whisper.

She answers with a smile, before going back to her reading. I do the same.

I eventually hear steps and feel a presence in front of us. I look up to find Sam walking towards me, a huge grin on his face.

“Hey, man! Today is our great day!” he exclaims, patting my back.

“I hope you brushed your teeth properly,” I joke.

“Well, I was gonna say I hope you both did too, as I’m gonna have to kiss Jen by proxy, but seeing the junk you’re shoving down your throats, it’s gonna be a real mess!”

“Want a piece of gum, Claflin?” Jen asks, lifting her head up from the script to wink at him.

“I wouldn’t say no!”

Jen digs in her bag, takes out a pink pack of gum and hands each of us a piece.

“Bubblemint?” I chuckle.

“Are you really surprised?” she replies with a smile.

“Regular mint is what would have surprised me.”

She gulps down the last of her coffee and gets up to toss her cup in the trash. Sam takes his place next to me and observes the crew people installing the equipment, deeply lost in his thoughts. Jen pushes her chair closer to mine before sitting back down and taking my hand. I frown at the intimate gesture, a little confused as she’s always been adamant that we keep our relationship hidden from as many people as possible. Sensing my doubts, she leans towards me to talk in my ear.

“No one is paying attention to us except Sam.”

I just smile and keep staring at the crew getting the set ready for filming. I take the last bite of my muffin before shoving the piece of gum in my mouth. The overly sweet flavor of the gum makes me do a double-take. Jen laughs at me.

“Didn’t you tell me once you were a sweet guy?”

“I am! But you gotta admit this is some over the top sweety flavor!”

She shakes her head with a smile.

“Next time, you should buy the cinnamon one,” she says. “You’d be even more in character.”

“Oh yeah? And you think Katniss would chew on bubblemint gum?”

“She chews mint leaves. Read the fucking books, Josh!”

“I have read the books!” I insist to her laughing face.

“I know! But you should re-read them and pay more attention this time.”

We’re interrupted by Francis, who’s quickly making his way to us. He looks ready to start rehearsals, so without a word, we follow him to the location we’re set to film the scene. I spot Lynn, who will be the only other actor in the scene with us, joining us from the other side of the set.

“Okay, guys, we’ll do a few rehearsals before we start filming. Get in position. Josh, we’re gonna tie a harness to you. You’ll be walking in front of everybody, slashing the vines up ahead of you. And then when you reach a certain point, the harness is gonna pull you away backwards and you’ll land here.” He points a spot on the ground. “That’s the first part we’ll film. Is that all clear?”

We all nod in understanding. Jen and Sam pick up their fake weapons and take their place with Lynn behind me, as the stunt people help me tie the harness on both sides of my body. When Francis gives us the signal, we start walking towards a sign until I’m thrown backwards by the harness. The first time is quite spectacular, and I have a hard time staying still as I’m shocked by the sensation of landing so hard on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Francis asks, kneeling next to me.

“Yes,” I reply. “Let’s do it again.”

Francis helps me up and we do the scene again. This time, I know what to expect, so when I land on the ground, I stop moving immediately. Francis is satisfied with it and we get ready to shoot it for real this time.

We only need to record a few takes before Francis calls himself satisfied with the footage. I stand up, remove the harness and wait patiently for the crew to set up the next part.

Francis walks up to us and explains what we’ll need to do next.

“Josh, you’ll be lying right here,” he says, pointing to a short blue tape on the ground. “Jen, you run to him and check for his pulse. Then, I want you Sam to run to him, push Jen away and start performing the CPR. Jennifer, you should be watching the scene in shock, ready to shoot Finnick with your bow and arrow, and then after he blows air the first time, you run next to him and freak out. After the third time, Peeta comes back to life and you kiss him. You see the camera over there?”

She nods, very concentrated on everything he’s explaining.

“You should stand in line with it, right here,” he points a spot on the ground next to the blue tape. “Sam will kneel right here beside him. Got it?”

We all shake our heads up and down to signal our understanding. Francis instructs me to lie down on the side on my spot, so I do it and close my eyes, faking being dead. I hear Jen run up to me, push me on my back and pretend to freak out over my motionless body, her fingers gently caressing my face. Suddenly, I feel Sam’s lips on mine, and I have to hide back a violent laughter. I sense he also has a hard time staying serious, but he hides it well. I count the three times he simulates blowing air into my lungs, before I open my eyes and start coughing. In a blink, Jen is hovering over me, taking my face in her hands, her eyes full of real tears. I recite my line and she quickly leans in for the desperate kiss, then she pulls away slightly, delivers her own lines – with more fat tears running down her cheeks – and I pull her head closer to me. Then, she helps me up and we share a frantic hug.

“Very good!” Francis exclaims with a smile. “Let’s try it again.”

He gives us a few more directions to improve the scene, and then we repeat the sequence. This time, I’m used to the sensation of Sam’s mouth on mine, and so I don’t feel as big a need to giggle as the first time. Jennifer’s acting is as spot on as the first time.

We do it a few more times, the crew adjusting the material to Francis’s liking. Then, we begin shooting takes of the real thing.

By the time I act like Peeta is coming back to life and Jennifer leans in to kiss me frenetically, she has cried so much that her nose has become runny, and so when her lips touch mine, I feel a gooey foreign substance cross to my lips. When Jennifer actually pulls away from me, a long string of snot follows her nose all the way to my mouth. I wipe it with my hand and all three of us – Jen, Sam and myself - burst out laughing. Francis yells “Cut!” and furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“Watch the film,” I say, still laughing like crazy. Jennifer is hiding her face in my chest, her body shaking with her incontrollable laughter.

Francis walks to the camera and takes a look at the images he just shot. When I see his mouth turn into a huge grin, I understand that he’s just seen Jennifer leaning in to me with the snot hanging from her nose, and then the stuff staying stuck on my mouth after she pulls away. Someone hands a tissue to Jen, who finally blows her nose and becomes serious again. She turns to me with a sheepish smile.

“Sorry.”

“You know I don’t care, right? It takes much more than that to gross me out.”

She leans to my ear to talk to me in a low voice.

“Did I ever gross you out?”

I shake my head with a grin, then we all take back our places to get ready for a second take. It’s more successful than the first try, but there are still some little details to fix and Francis wants to film from multiple angles.

After a few more takes, we’re done for the scene and it’s already time for lunch. Jen turns to me.

“Trailer or catering tent?”

“Trailer,” I reply with a wink. “Go ahead, I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay.”

She joins Justine and they start walking towards the catering tent so they can pick up lunch. I grab Sam’s arm and lead him to a hidden spot in between trailers.

“What’s up, man?” he asks in surprise.

“You know what day it is tomorrow right?”

He frowns.

“I have no idea, sorry.”

“It’s Golden Globes announcement day.”

“Oh,” his face turns into a smile. “And you think your girl will be nominated?”

“I don’t think she will,” I smile proudly. “I know she will. She’ll get an Oscar nom too. But the thing is, I’d like us to prepare a surprise for her tomorrow. Let’s get to work earlier so we can decorate the trailer before she arrives on set. She’ll be so happy... I want to do it for her. And I want to involve everyone here on set who wants to be involved. She deserves it. What do you think?”

“I think it’s a very good idea. I’m in!”

“Alright. We have to be ready for hair, make-up and costumes at 6, so what about we meet here at 5? The nominations will have been announced by then. By the time Jen makes her way to set, we should be done. Can you please spread the word to anyone who’d like to be involved as well? Lynn, Jeffrey, Jena, Francis... I’d do it, but I don’t want Jen to get suspicious. She’s probably already wondering why I haven’t followed her to the catering tent yet.”

“Sure, no problem.” He pats my back. “Go ahead before she figures you’re up to a prank or something.”

“Yeah. Thank you. I’ll go, otherwise she’ll be the one pranking me and I’m not sure I feel for this right now!”

 

* * *

 

When I reach the trailer, I find that Justine and Andre have taken chairs out to sit under a palm tree, where they’re having a soft drink together. I figure Jen must be alone inside the trailer, waiting for me. When I get in, she instantly wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body close to mine, in a gesture that closely mirrors that of Katniss she acted earlier.

“Why the sudden bear hug?” I ask, a little perplexed.

“I don’t know,” she whispers. “I don’t usually have a hard time making the difference between myself and my character, but this time, when I was seeing you playing dead, I couldn’t help but imagine you being dead for real and I really connected with Katniss. Much, much more than usual. I needed to feel you.”

I pull back a little and stare at her eyes for a moment. They’re a bit glassy, as if she was still holding back some lone tears. I run a hand down her cheek and she leans into it.

“Does that mean I’m a good actor?” I ask in a hopeful tone.

She chuckles and wipes her eyes.

“Of course you’re a good actor. I didn’t need that to know it.”

I smile and kiss her tenderly.

“Let’s eat, we have to be back on set in a few minutes.”

 

* * *

 

We end up wrapping filming a little later than usual. I’m completely exhausted, but I decide to go sleep at Jennifer’s anyway.

She’s as tired as me so we only take a friendly shower and cuddle in her bed, quickly falling asleep.

When my alarm clock sounds at 4 am, I quickly shut it off and manage to get out of Jen’s bed without waking her up. I speedily prepare myself for the day, before joining Andre at my place to leave for work. When we get there, Sam is already waiting near the door of my trailer, colorful balloons and cheesy banners ready to be installed.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks me with a wink.

“Yes, but I wish I could have slept longer!” I laugh. “No, we only slept last night Sam. We were both way too tired for anything else. And besides, I knew I’d have to get up extra early this morning.”

“Do you have confirmation that she is really nominated?”

Andre pulls his cell phone out and quickly types something, making the list of nominees show up. Sam and I get closer to the phone and Andre scroll down to her category.

“There she is!” I say, my heart bursting with pride for her. “‘ _Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy_ ’ I knew it!”

I flash them an impossibly huge grin. I’m so happy for her.

“Shouldn’t you be with her to congratulate her?” Sam asks with a smile.

“I’ll be more useful here, and she’ll appreciate the surprise, I’m sure.” I walk up the stairs of the trailer and open the door, before turn towards Sam and Andre. “Let’s start, if we want to be done before she comes in.”

 

* * *

 

As we inflate the balloons, Jena, Francis and Jeffrey all join us to help decorate mine and Jen’s trailer. They’re all ecstatic about the news and we can’t wait to see Jen’s reaction to it.

When we’re done, we all sit around the table or on the couch and wait for her with a coffee. I just can’t wait to congratulate her personally and tell her how proud of her I am.

 

* * *

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

The day after we film the resuscitation scene, I’m woken up by my phone’s ringtone. Before I have the time to light it on, I do a double-take as I realize I’m lying alone in my bed. I answer the call, half-asleep, but my heart quickly racing in panic.

“Jennifer? It’s Hylda.”

What does my agent want to do with me so early? Something extremely serious must have happened. What if... Josh?

“Hylda? Why are you calling me so early?” I ask in a worried tone. I recall my discussion with Josh over lunch yesterday, when I admitted to him that I didn’t need to pretend to be Katniss in the scene we filmed together, as  I couldn’t help picturing him dead for real and it crushed me enough to make me produce a believable reaction. What if my fear became true? What if the set burned down or something? My anxiety makes me imagine all kinds of bad scenarios until Hylda reassures me with her calm voice.

“It’s for a good reason. Do you remember what day we are?”

“Yes. Day 10 of a 12-day week,” I joke in a tired voice.

“You’re going to the Globes, Jen. They announced the nominees this morning.”

“Really? Gosh, I completely forgot! Hum, thanks for telling me, I guess?”

“You’re not more excited than that?” she says, sounding a bit disappointed.

“No, no, I’m very humbled and excited, it’s just that I don’t realize it yet, I guess.”

And I’m still wondering where Josh has disappeared, as the house is too quiet for him to be busy either in the kitchen or the bathroom. He’s gone, and I don’t know where, and I’m still kinda worried for him. I get up from my bed and start pacing the room, before checking the other rooms to make sure he’s not hidden somewhere. Of course, apart from me, the house is definitely empty.

“Congratulations, Jennifer,” Hylda finally says in a cheery voice.

“Thank you.”

“Josh Horowitz will call you later on, probably when you’re on set, to do a telephone interview. Make sure your phone is charged and available at all times to pick up the call.”

“Okay, mom,” I laugh, and I hear Hylda return the laugh at the other end of the line.

She’s worked for me for a while now, and we clicked right away, so I can afford to talk to her in an arguably unprofessional way once in a while. It helps, since having to act professional at all times when I’m not on set is tiring me.

I hang up after she tells me Liz will also call me within a few days to discuss the schedule I’ll have to follow when I come back to the continent. My head spins as I imagine the string of award shows, luncheons and interviews I’ll have to attend during award season - I already had a taste of it two years ago when I was first nominated for _Winter’s Bone_ – and I sit back on my bed to take a deep breath. Now is not the time to worry about that. Instead, I have to find Josh.

As soon as I think about him, like he was reading my thoughts from afar, I hear the notification sound of an incoming text message. I pick up my phone from the night table and smile in relief when I see his name as the sender.

JOSH: I’ll be waiting for you at the trailer. Love you.

I shake my head, partly sad and partly angry, but it’s not enough to overshadow the obvious fondness I feel for him in my heart. I text him back quickly.

JENNIFER: Ok, I’ll be there soon.

 

* * *

 

When I finally get inside the trailer, I hear a chorus of people yell “SURPRISE!” I look up and find the trailer nicely decorated with “Congratulations” banners and lots of colorful balloons.

And there, waiting for me, is a good part of my _Hunger Games_ family.

Francis first walks to me, hugging me while congratulating me for the nomination. Sam then takes his place and pulls me to him with a huge smile.

“I’m so happy for you. You deserve it so much,” he says.

“Thank you!” I reply on a joyful tone.

The rest of the cast members then all hug me one after another. I hear voices outside and look to see the crew members waiting at the bottom of the stairs, and as soon as I make eye contact with them, they start applauding and cheering me. I’m overwhelmed by all that affection. As the tears start pooling at the corners of my eyes, I feel a warm hand caress my shoulder.

“Congratulations, love,” Josh whispers in my ear.

I turn around, and as I take in the pride in his eyes and the beaming smile on his face, I finally lose it. He takes me in his arms and I start sobbing like crazy.

“I’m so proud of you, Jen,” he says, burying his face in my neck. “So, so proud of you.”

I suddenly pull away from him and stare at him with an angry look.

“Where were you this morning?” I almost yell. I don’t care that everyone is privy to our conversation, they all already know we’re together anyway. I lower my voice as I take in his confused look. “When I woke up and you weren’t next to me, and my agent called me, my first thought was that you had died or something...”

“I was here. I was helping preparing this. I wanted to surprise you. I think it was worth it?” he says with a small smile.

I hug him to me again, before he pulls back a little to take a quick look at my face and drop a lingering kiss on my lips. When we part, he presses his forehead against mine and whispers.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

“This is all so over the top.”

I’m lying with Josh on the couch in our trailer. All the cast and crew members have left to get started for the day, and even though we have to do our usual stop by the hair, make-up and costumes stations in a few minutes, I asked Josh to stay with me a little bit before we left. I needed that intimate moment with him, and I sensed that he wanted to make up for not being with me this morning when I learned about the nomination. Now that my emotions have faded, I’m happy that he thought of doing all this for me. But I still need to feel him close to me.

“I know,” he answers. “And this is only the beginning.”

“You think?”

“I feel it.”

I tuck my head under his chin and take his hand. He rubs my shoulder softly.

“Thank you, Josh, for being here for me. For being my rock, for shielding me from myself. For putting up with my shit...”

He tightens his hold on me and I burrow my face in his neck further.

“I see all this coming, the award season, the interviews, and it scares me,” I continue in a low voice. “I’m so glad that you’re here beside me.”

I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows thickly, then he turns his face to me and I lift my head up to stare at his sad eyes.

“I’ll be there for as long as you want me there,” he finally whispers. “But you know that I will have to stay in the shadows when we go back to California. We can’t take any chance, you’ll be in the spotlight all the time. It’s crazy to think about, but if you truly want to keep our relationship a secret...”

His voice breaks a little, and he takes a pause to steady himself.

“The truth is that we’ll probably barely see each other this winter. Let’s enjoy the little time we still have together before that madness starts.”

I nod slowly. There’s something in his tone that bothers me, but I can’t quite place my finger on what it is. Maybe it’s the feeling that he’s speaking as if our relationship will be over after we leave Hawaii. It’s certainly gonna be different, but I couldn’t stand to be away from him. After having felt that stab in the gut when I thought he had died this morning, I know I don’t want to be separated from him ever again.

 

* * *

 

Josh and I drop by the costumes and hair and make-up trailers, before walking to set a few minutes later, ready for the morning call. It’s still early, and we’re filming a major scene from the book that is supposed to take place at night, but is easier and least costly to film at sunrise and be altered digitally after to transform the day setting into a night one.

I’ll be spending  good part of the morning making out with Josh on the beach. This is gonna be both the easiest and the hardest scene to shoot. Easiest, because kissing Josh has no secrets for me anymore; hardest, because it’s gonna be easy to forget I’m supposed to be clumsy Katniss Everdeen making out with Peeta Mellark for the first time and not Jennifer Lawrence kissing Josh Hutcherson, her own actual lover, for the umpteenth time.

We sit next to each other on the sand and Francis and the crew get ready to shoot the first take. Josh and I recite our lines of dialogue until I press my lips against his, first slowly and a bit clumsily, and then with more and more energy as Katniss and Peeta get caught in a whirlwind of sudden passion. I slide my body closer to Josh’s and he wraps his arms around me. He opens his mouth widely to invite me in, and I answer eagerly. As Josh’s hands travel down my spine to my hips and he lifts me onto his lap, I finally hear Francis yell “Cut!”

Josh and I open our eyes at the same time, staring at one another while we recover our breath, and Francis makes his way to us.

“That was very good, but it needs to be a little more awkward. Sexual desire is totally new for Katniss, and she isn’t used at all to this kind of kiss. Josh, you need to keep on acting it the way you did: stunned at first, then very, very eager. Peeta knows this is likely his farewell kiss, and at the same time, he’s realizing that Katniss’s feelings for him are real, and he’s fulfilling his years old dream, so you can imagine the kind of emotions he’s going through.”

“Sure,” Josh says, lightly stroking my thigh. I slide off his lap and take my place back by his side for the next take.

“Also, we’ll have to make it quicker. As important as that scene is, we don’t have more than a few seconds for it. So keep the first part, the awkward first kiss, followed by the more passionate one, and that’s it. You pull apart and stare into each other’s eyes for a couple seconds, and we’ll give you the cue to stand up.”

We nod and wait for the next take.

This time, I focus on forgetting I’m kissing Josh. I start off by adding a brief hesitation after the initial kiss. Then, as Josh cups my face and leans in for a second kiss, I abandon myself to his hands and mouth for a way too brief moment. When he pulls away and looks at me with his lustful gaze, I feel a tingling at the bottom of my belly. The desire in his eyes isn’t only his character’s.

Francis gives us the cue to stand up and we do. This is when I notice Josh’s bulge straining his wetsuit.

“Are you okay?” I ask in a low voice.

“Yes. That’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re in character, right? That’s likely what Peeta would have felt too.”

“I guess.”

I get closer to him and lean in to speak in his ear.

“I’ll take care of that when we catch a break after.”

I pull away and smile when I see his own grin. Francis finally meets us and explains that it was a whole lot better than the first take and that we merely need to keep doing the same evolution for the next few takes, which will be shot using different camera angles. We don’t have much more time before the ideal time window to shoot for the day to night procedure – which is around sunrise – passes.

The more takes we record, the more aroused I get, but I mostly feel bad for Josh, who has been stuck with an obvious boner for a while. I know Francis noticed, and so when he declares he’s satisfied with the last take, he announces a nice half-hour break, making sure we notice him winking at us. Josh looks at me with a deep smile, and while the crew members are busy packing the material to move it to the next set, I take Josh’s hand and lead him to our trailer.

Andre and Justine knew better than to follow us, and so we’re completely alone when we reach the door of our trailer. As soon as we’re inside and the door is locked, I turn around and crash my lips on his. He slides his arms around my waist and backs me into the wall, kissing me eagerly. Finally, I can kiss him as hard as I want, and stroke his cock to make him feel good for real.

In the middle of a very heated kiss, I unzip his wetsuit costume, and he lowers it down enough to finally free his cock. He gasps in relief, and I lead him to the couch. He lowers himself on it, and I quickly sink to my knees in front of him.

I’ve dreamed of this all morning long.

I grasp his hard member in my hand and start teasing his velvety flesh with my fingers. He lets out a loud moan.

“Be careful, you wouldn’t want to spread around the same rumors about us that are already going around about Sam and Laura,” I say with a wink.

“I don’t fucking care, Jen,” he whispers. “Just suck my dick, I can’t take it anymore.”

I pump my hand up and down his cock, before slowly running my tongue all over the vein at the back of it. He grabs my loose hair in his hand and cradles my head, inviting me to take his whole length in at once. As I wrap my lips around the head, I feel his body shudder. I finally lower my mouth onto his cock and take it in as far as I can, while tickling his sensitive flesh with my curious tongue. He gasps and thrusts involuntarily into my throat. As I repeat the motions quicker, slightly grazing my teeth on his soft skin and making him pant faster, I look up to admire his face, which is set in a deep pleasured expression. He finally opens his eyes and smiles at me.

“I think this is the best blowjob I’ve ever had,” he lets out in a breath that’s followed by a deep grunt that turns me on.

“That’s because you’ve been holding back for hours,” I reply with a grin, replacing my mouth with my hand for a moment. I cup his balls and start licking them sensually, making him huff in surprise.

Suddenly, as I’m about to shove his cock down my throat once again, my phone starts ringing. I consider for a second not answering, but then I remember my agent’s words this morning. I look up at Josh and reluctantly get up.

“Let it go to voicemail,” he suggests, caressing my hair as I shake my head.

“I can’t. It’s probably Josh Horowitz. My agent told me he’d call for an interview. Sorry.”

I seize the phone and unlock it to answer the call. In the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of Josh’s disappointed pout. I sit next to him.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Jennifer, Josh Horowitz here! Congratulations for your Golden Globe nomination!”

“Thank you so much!”

Josh grabs his own phone and starts typing something. As I’m answering the interviewer’s questions, he finally shows me what he’s been writing – a private Twitter message to Josh Horowitz.

@jhutch1992: Thanks for interrupting the best fucking blowjob of my life.

I tell the interviewer to wait a second and give Josh an angry look.

“Josh!” I exclaim, “you can’t tell him this! What about our secret!”

“We can trust him, Jen. Believe me, he knows already. And he won’t tell.”

I sigh.

“Okay.”

As I resume my conversation and Josh proudly hits the “Send” button, I begin absent-mindedly stroking his still hard member. I feel Josh lean back down into the cushions to enjoy the motion and vision of my fist pumping him slowly. He covers my hand with his to try and get me to caress him faster, but I really want to finish what I started as soon as I’m done with my interview.

After a few more questions, it’s over and I can finally take my place back, kneeling in front of Josh, and finish him off with my mouth. As I resume my intense sucking motion on his dick, I catch the first few signs that he’s getting close to release. His breathing accelerates, and I feel him try to control his thrusts even more. Finally, as I increase the pressure on the tip and pump his length faster, he stills and I taste the first spurts of semen invading my mouth. I swallow all of his cum and when he’s finished, I trail a path of kisses up his chest to finally drop a peck on his mouth. I get up, straddle him and press my upper body against his in a deep hug. His breathing slows down, and I take the time to enjoy the sensation of his body pressed so close to mine that I can feel his quick heartbeat on my chest.

We’re disturbed by the sound of an incoming message on his phone. I stretch my arm to take it from the table and hand it to him. I see his face light up as he takes in the content of the message, and then he just bursts out laughing.

“What?”

“He just tweeted: ‘Had a lovely chat with golden globe nominee Jennifer Lawrence just now. Thanks for the very inappropriate message @jhutch1992’”

“He didn’t!” I shout with a smile.

“He sure did!” he turns his phone towards me to show me the message. I bite my lip nervously.

“You’re sure he won’t say anything?”

His face takes on a serious expression.

“Do you want me to make sure he won’t tell?”

“I’d like to.”

“Okay.”

He starts typing another message and shows me the content before sending it.

@jhutch1992: I wasn’t joking. But we’re keeping this under wraps. Can you guarantee us you’ll be quiet about that? Jennifer is a bit worried right now.

I nod to tell him I approve, then he hits the “Send” icon and we wait together for the answer. I lean down to rest my head on his shoulder as he gently strokes my back. Finally, the phone buzzes again. We both read the message at the same time.

@joshuahorowitz: I already suspected it. Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Congratulations to you both!

“See?” Josh asks with a smile.

“Alright, you win,” I say, reluctantly removing myself from the comfort of Josh’s body and standing up to get ready to go back on set. “Now dress back up, we have to drop by hair and make-up again because you completely ruined my hair. Come on.”

I walk to the door and turn around one last time.

“I’ll be waiting for you at the catering tent. I’m still hungry!”

I catch a glimpse of his smile before I leave the trailer, a huge grin lighting up my own face.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the angst-fest that is this chapter. Things will get a little better from the next chapter onwards, so don't lose hope for them yet. :)

**Josh’s POV**

After that day when we filmed the beach scene and the nominations for the Golden Globes were announced, we spent the whole week shooting the same imaginary monkey fight sequence in a swamp in the middle of the jungle. It was a pretty hard shoot, with long days under a very hot sun, often interrupted by pouring rain showers that got us all soaked through before we even had time to think about running for cover. Every night, I’d go home exhausted, but the cast still hung out at my place most of the time and I was pleased to spend time with them. Especially with Jen.

Since the morning she woke up in a panic thinking I had died, something in her behavior has completely changed. It might have something to do with the fact that everybody on set – at least, every actor and most of the crew people – seems to be aware that Jen and I have something going on, so she doesn’t try to hide us as much as she used to. I let her lead the way, as she’s the one who wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship after all.

I still haven’t changed my mind about ending it all when the time comes, though.

But I’m just starting to see how painful it will really be. Since Jen has started to let her guard down when she’s around me, showing the more serious side of our relationship in front of our coworkers, I’ve let my mind dream about a life with her. A life in which she’d spend the night at my house in Hollywood, curled up against me in my bed. A life where we’d walk the red carpets together, and where I’d be able to tell the reporters how proud I am of my lady. A life where we could go back home together in Kentucky and partake in each other’s families’ parties.

A life where I could ask her for her hand and we could plan to have little blond-haired, blue-eyed babies, just as pretty as her.

Those dreams invade my mind at night, while Jen’s body rests idly against mine – she’s so tired, she always falls asleep as soon as she drops her head on my pillow, her hand resting possessively on my chest – and I can’t seem to find sleep as easily as she does, even though I’m quite as exhausted as she is. I know I should enjoy those last few moments we have together before we fly back to L.A. and everything changes, but I just can’t keep my mind off what I’m planning to do.

The night before our last day of filming in Hawaii, as Jen’s light breathing against my skin tells me she’s asleep, I place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She snuggles in closer to my body in response, but I know she hasn’t woken up yet. I whisper, with tears in my eyes.

“I love you, Jen. I’ll be doing this for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Action!”

Francis shouts the instruction and Jennifer starts running down the hill, a rolling camera following her. She screams “Peeta!” at the top of her lungs a couple of times. I’m sitting on the side with Sam, while we wait for our turn to shoot. We’re filming the last few scenes we had yet to record, which makes for the last sequence in the arena. The camera will mostly follow Jen’s character, and Sam and Jeffrey will share one last scene with her. The footage of Jena and I will be used in the next movie. In the last few days, we’ve shot most of the scene, and so we only have to film some takes with us running around the jungle, screaming our characters’ names, like Jen is doing at the moment.

“So, I take it you’re doing fine with Jen now?” Sam asks in a low voice.

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know... the way you’ve been all over each other every night for the last week?” He smiles teasingly.

“Oh, this,” I sigh. “Yeah, we’re making the most out of it.”

My gaze follows Jen around absent-mindedly.

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t really think it’s gonna last, Sam, do you?” I say, turning my face towards him to show him my frustrated expression.

“Why not?”

“She’s gonna have a freaky awards season. She’ll never have time to see me once we’re back in Hollywood, and even if she had, we can’t take the risk of being seen together. Especially not now, cause she’ll have all the media on her back. And then, I’m leaving for Panama basically right after the Oscars and she’ll go work with her ex whom she hasn’t really gotten over with by the way.”

I pause, before muttering my last words bitterly.

 “If I don’t take matters in my own hands, she’ll have to do it sooner or later.”

He shakes his head in disbelief.

“You still don’t get how much she loves you.”

“I never said that.”

“Being all defensive like that... you don’t need to say it. It’s painfully obvious. Why don’t you give the both of you a chance? Maybe it will work.”

I stare at Jennifer’s silhouette running down the hill and sigh.

“Well, maybe it’d work, if I felt that she truly wanted a relationship with me. We’ve been more or less together for two months now, yet she still doesn’t want to call me her boyfriend. It’s not serious for her. And she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings.”

I pause and sigh.

“But it’s okay. I knew what I was getting into. I wish it would end differently, but it’s been heading this way since the beginning. It hurts because I truly felt like I had met my soul mate. I’ve never felt so close to a girl, ever.”

I still watch her run in the distance, her loose hair flowing in the light wind. She stops sharply and Francis walks to her to give her more indications for the next take.

“I really thought she was the right one for me. I’m so mad for allowing myself to dream.”

“What kind of dreams?” he asks. “Not dirty ones-“

“Of course, not,” I interrupt him with a smile. “No. I’d dream of just spending time with her at my place, introducing her to my folks as my girlfriend...”

I can’t seem to enunciate the rest of my thoughts. I feel a lump in my throat and look down. Sam rubs my back to encourage me and fills in my fantasy for me.

“You dreamed of marrying her and her having your kids, right?”

I look up at him with a sad smile.

“Yeah, pretty much so. I’m an idiot.”

“No, you’re not. I felt that way with Laura from the beginning too.”

“I know she wants to get married someday. When we thought it might be the reason Nick was asking her to move in with him, she looked so happy and excited. And I know she wants kids too. But there’s no way she’d want that with me.”

“Why not?”

I don’t know what to answer. It’s just become so clear in my mind that she’s never gonna consider me to be good husband material. I shrug.

“Anyway... we have no future together. Once these movies are done, she won’t make an effort to keep me in her life anymore.”

Just like she did last summer.

“You’re the one pushing her away, Josh!” he exclaims. “You’re the one making it so you have no chance of a future together. Have you thought about that? I know you think she’ll fall back into her ex’s arms as soon as she sets foot in Montreal, but have you even thought that maybe, she truly doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore?”

“Yes, I have. And I know her. She’ll run back to him in time. She’s the one not taking us seriously.”

Francis and Jen make their way to us. Apparently, they’re done filming that part of the scene.

“Sam?” Francis asks. “We’ll get ready to rehearse your scene.”

“We’re not done with this, Hutch,” he says, waving at me while getting up to follow Francis.

I shake my head sadly. Jen sits next to me and leans to look at my face.

“What’s up?” she asks, a concerned look on her face.

“Nothing. We were just having a guy discussion.”

“Oh, I see. Talking about me?”

“Why would we be talking about you? Seriously, Jennifer, get over yourself!”

I chuckle. She follows suit, taking my hand and lightly stroking my skin with her cold fingers.

“Okay, okay. You still have one scene to shoot and you’re done after?”

“Yeah.”

She nods. I focus on the motion of her finger rubbing the top of my hand, and when I finally look up, I find that she’s looking at the same thing, completely lost in her thoughts.

“You know what?” she says in a soft, serious voice. “I’m happy we’re almost done, but at the same time, I’m sad. After that, there’ll be only one more shoot and it’ll be the end.”

“Yeah, I know.”

My voice feels like lead. She has no idea how close to the end we really are.

She finally looks up and stares at Sam, running far away. I can’t detach my gaze from her profile and my heart gets heavy when I realize we may only have a few more hours together as sort of a couple. I still haven’t decided when I’ll put an end to all this, but the more I think about it, the more I realize the best time may be just before flying back to the continent. That way, she won’t feel obligated to make time for me in her busy awards season schedule, and I’ll have the time to get over her before flying to Panama. I won’t have to see her in between as she won’t have time to see me anyway.

Yes, it’s probably for the best if I set her free after the wrap-up party tonight.

We’re supposed to go celebrate the end of the shoot with the whole cast and crew in a private room the production has rented in a local bar. Our flight back home is scheduled for tomorrow morning.

One last night. Our farewell night.

She turns her face towards me and frowns when she takes in my sombre expression.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yes. I’m fine,” I lie. From now on, I have to put on my best fake smile and try to enjoy the next few hours as much as I can, the last I’ll be able to spend in her arms. I turn my face away and look up to the sky, feigning to take a good breath while in fact, I’m holding back tears.

Over there, Sam has started filming his part of the scene, and Francis is quickly satisfied with his work.

“This was the last scene of Sam Claflin as Finnick Odair for _The Hunger Games: Catching Fire_!” Francis announces loudly, and everybody on set starts clapping enthusiastically. Jen and I get up and walk over to him to hug him.

“You’ve done it, man!” I say, tapping his back.

“I know! I’m a bit sad it’s over, though.”

“You say that when we’re done with _Mockingjay_ in two years,” Jen says, hugging him after me.

“Josh, it’s your turn,” Francis says when the commotion has died down a little.

I follow Francis and take my spot. I’m supposed to run, frantically searching for Katniss. Francis makes me sprint through the jungle, calling out Katniss’s name, tripping over branches. After a while and many takes, he seems happy with the end result and speaks in a loud voice, with a beaming smile on his face.

“And, this was the last take for Josh Hutcherson as Peeta Mellark! Well done!”

He hugs me tightly as the rest of the crew applauds. Sam gives me a long hug, and then, Jen takes me in her arms. To my biggest surprise, I feel her sob quietly on my shoulder.

“Hey, why are you crying?” I ask softly.

“I don’t know... I never enjoyed myself more on a set than while I was working with you. I don’t want this to end.”

“You said it, we still have one more shoot, right?”

“Yes, we do.”

She looks at me and dares to kiss me in front of everybody. It’s a quick kiss, barely more than a peck, but it still shows me that she’s not afraid to be affectionate towards me in public anymore. When she lets go, I bite my lip nervously. Francis calls the lunch break and I walk with Jen and Sam to the catering tent, where we pick up our food and retreat to our trailers, as usual, but for the last time in a very long time.

 

* * *

 

 

Jen keeps unusually silent during the whole meal. There is a strange tension floating in the air, and I have no idea where it comes from.

As I eat my salad with a remarkable appetite, I notice Jen barely touches her food.

“What’s on your mind, honey?” I ask in a gentle voice.

She lifts up her gaze to meet mine, before shaking her head and getting up to sit on my lap. I wrap my arms around her waist and she presses her forehead against mine with a sigh.

“I’m not hungry. I keep thinking about tomorrow and I just don’t want this to end.”

Could she have guessed what I’m about to do? I tighten my hold on her body and brush my lips on hers.

“Hey, we’ll be off work for a few weeks, isn’t that something to look forward to? I know you like your work, but, I don’t know... having time to rest and see our friends and families, that’s enjoyable too, no?”

She lightly strokes my cheek with her thumb while staring at me with a sad expression. Somehow, although I’m trying my best to see the silver linings, I understand and share her feeling completely. We both know nothing will be the same once we’re back in L.A.

“I’ll miss you so much, Josh,” she whispers. “I wish we could keep spending almost all our time together at home like we’ve been doing here.”

“I know. I wish it was possible too, but you know why we can’t.”

I pause.

“We’ll always have the memories, right?”

A twinge of sadness and guilt soars through my whole body. I gulp when I take in Jen’s frowning expression. If she didn’t already suspect what I was about to do, now I’ve given her an obvious clue to figure it out.

But she doesn’t say nor ask anything. I rub her back with my hand in a soothing manner and keep staring at her face.

“We don’t have to stay long at the party tonight,” I add, sensing that it may be a better idea to spend our last hours together on our own. She nods and leans in to place a tender kiss on my lips.

“That’s a good idea,” she says when she finally detaches her lips from mine. “I want to take advantage of the time we still have together before we leave.”

I think with dread, “ _you have no idea.”_

 

* * *

 

 

We end up spending most of our lunch break lounging on the couch in our trailer, comfortably nestled in each other’s arms, reflecting on our fond memories of filming this movie: the first day on set; the time we filmed the marriage proposal and I ripped my pants down the crotch; the time Jen filmed the Quarter Quell interview and fell on stage, flashing her underwear to every extra in attendance; the time she stepped on my toes while we were dancing in the Capitol Ball; the times we peed in the ocean instead of going for the Port-a-John’s, and took it as an excuse to hide away from the cast and crew for some stolen intimate moments. 

We also remember our first kiss in the trailer; our drunk make-out session at the cast party in Atlanta; the first time we made love the day we started filming the Tribute Parade; all the nights we spent cuddled together on the couch, or in each other’s arms in our respective beds. I have to fight tears all along, as she doesn’t know yet that our time together is counted. She doesn’t know that she’s giving me all the more reasons to end it all tomorrow morning. It’s like she’s already saying goodbye to me.

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

 

The last day of filming a movie is always special. This time feels a lot more emotional than all the other projects I’ve completed in the past though. I don’t know why it is so, as we still have another shoot coming up next year after all.

But Josh’s obvious melancholic attitude seems to rub on me. At first, I had no idea why he was so sad, as we’ll go back to L.A. together tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to spend with him now that Nick is no longer in the picture, despite awards season shaping up to be very busy for me. But then I realized that our bubble would pop with our returning home and it just wouldn’t be the same. I know it because it happened to me once, when I finished filming the first _X-Men_ movie with Nick, and I guess Josh experienced it too with Vanessa after they did that _Journey_ movie together. Maybe he’s scared that I’ll dump him unceremoniously like she did back then.

He’ll be pleasantly surprised, cause I have no intention of leaving him. Not now, not ever.

I’m really glad Andre and Justine don’t follow us to the trailer after we take our food from the catering tent. They rightly guessed Josh and I needed that moment of intimacy to come to terms with the end of filming. Somehow, even though I’m convinced we’ll make it work back home, having seen Josh so sad on set this morning made my stomach churn in my chest.

I know I haven’t given him much to believe in us, but watching him, you’d think it was the end of our relationship. I try to reassure him the best I could, but I’m not sure it’s a success.

I try another approach, reminding him how happy he made me over the last few months and how I want to keep feeling that happiness with him when we get back home, but again, we end up more sad than cheerful.

Oh, well. There’s still the party tonight and the time we’ll spend together at home to convince him it won’t be over just because we wrapped up this movie.

 

* * *

  

After lunch, Josh and I walk back to set, hand-in-hand, all by ourselves. Andre and Justine are already there, along with the whole cast and crew. I only have a few more takes to film before all is done.

I smile at Josh before making my way to Francis.

“Ready to wrap this up, Jen?” he asks with a grin, his eyes barely leaving his production notes.

“I’m always ready. Let’s go.”

I take my place and listen distractedly to Francis’s instructions. I can’t keep my eyes from seeking Josh’s. As if this morning had never ended, he’s sitting in his chair next to Sam again, staring at me with a sad, longing look. I still don’t understand why he’s so moved by all this. I guess I should take the time to ask him tonight. Maybe he’ll trust me enough to explain to me why this is all making him so sad so suddenly.

Or if there’s anything else weighing on his mind.

I try to focus on my work so we can be done as soon as possible. It eventually takes a little longer than I thought before Francis yells “Cut!” for the last time, but when he finally does, I sigh and throw myself in his arms.

“Well done, Jennifer,” he says, patting my back. “You did an amazing work. This is gonna be an awesome movie, in huge part thanks to you.”

“Oh, thank you,” I reply. “But don’t give me too much credit here. You’re not done watching the footage. I messed up many more takes than I did successfully!”

He laughs. The rest of the cast and crew start surrounding me, everybody hugging me and praising me for leading this franchise supposedly so well. I want to scream to them that I’m not alone in this, that without everybody’s work, I would be nothing, but I decide it’s better to just shut up and accept the compliments.

As usual, Josh is last to congratulate me. When he finally wraps his arms around me and I can hide my face against his neck, I let out all the emotion I’ve kept inside all day long. I start crying like crazy, realizing that I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to stop working with these people.

And I definitely don’t want to stop working with Josh.

“Nice work, my love,” he whispers in my ear. “I’m really proud of you. And really proud to be a part of this franchise with you. You’re amazing, did you know that?”

I lift my head to stare at his glassy hazel eyes. He’s smiling softly, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I could only be so amazing because I had an amazing man next to me all this time.”

He shakes his head slowly.

“Bullshit,” he says, his smile growing bigger. “But hey, we still have one more shoot, right?”

He’s still reminding me it’s not over. I manage to smile back.

“Yes. One more shoot.”

“ _And a whole life more_ ,” I decide on the spot.

 

* * *

 

 

“Should I wear this one or this one?”

I’m holding two dresses in front of me, one red tube dress and one black dress with double cross straps. Justine looks up from her phone and smiles.

“The black one. The red one is too plain.”

I nod and ditch the black dress on the bed, putting the red one back in the closet. I pick up underwear and grab the dress on my way to the bathroom, where I get clothed and brush my hair. I walk back into the room to choose some earrings and necklace, before walking back into the bathroom to apply my make-up. Justine left work before me and met me at my place already prepared for the wrap-up party tonight.

I peek out of the bathroom.

“How am I?”

She turns around and smiles widely.

“You’re gorgeous, Jen. As usual.”

“You think Josh will like it?”

“Jen, you could wear sweatpants, a wolf sweater and have messy, tangled hair that he’d still find you sexy,” she says with a laugh. “Of course he’ll like it. But why are you so determined to make an impression on him tonight?”

“He’s been acting strange all day. Like, very, very sad. As if we wouldn’t see each other again after the shoot ends. I don’t understand.”

“Well, it’s always that way when a movie shoot ends,” she remarks. “Everyone is more emotional. You know the bubble you’ve been in for months is gonna burst soon. He’s probably sensing that. And he’s not thinking with his head at the moment, rather with his heart.”

I nod.

“Maybe. But I want him to understand that I made an effort to be especially pretty. Just for him.”

“He’ll love it, Jen.”

I only answer with a shy smile.

 

* * *

 

 

When we reach the club, Josh, Andre, Sam and Laura are already sitting in a booth. The boys are quickly gulping down beers and laughing loudly, while Laura is staring at her cocktail with a timid smile. I don’t know how many drinks they’ve had so far, but it doesn’t look like it’s their first round of the night.  Josh senses our presence and turns his head towards me. His large smile immediately tells me that he’s in a much better mood than he’s been all day.

“Hey, girls!” he says, getting up to greet us. I stop in front of him and he kisses my cheeks, as he would do with someone who’s just an acquaintance. I frown, before realizing that although we’re in a private room, we’re not alone and it’s not the time to display affection in public yet. We took too many chances in Atlanta already; our luck is running out.

Josh greets Justine with kisses on the cheeks as well. I sit next to Josh around the table while Justine volunteers to go get drinks for us both. I feel Josh whisper in my ear.

“You’re stunning, Jen.”

I turn to him and smile, before leaning in to speak in his ear.

“Thank you. I’m glad you like it. I dressed with you specifically in mind.”

“Oh yeah?” he replies in a breath.

I nod. He answers with a simple smile and quietly takes my hand under the table.

“Hey, lovebirds, we’re here too!” Sam says with a laugh.

“Shhh, people could hear you!” Josh replies, hiding a chuckle.

“Then don’t be so obvious.”

I share a look with Josh before shaking my head in disbelief.

“Let it go, Jen,” Josh says.

Justine comes back with the drinks and sits next to Laura. I don’t waste time to empty my glass and turn to Josh, before excitedly jumping up and down on my seat.

“Let’s go dancing! I’m awful at it, but it’s gonna be fun!”

“I’m even worse,” Josh admits with a sigh. “But since you’re asking so nicely, how could I say no?”

I grin and lead him to the dance floor without a word. I stand facing him, my eyes deeply locked with his, as we begin moving in rhythm with the music. Josh promptly closes the distance between us and spins me around. As I feel his chest lightly brushing my back with his moves, I find myself rubbing my ass delicately on the front of his pants. His breath blowing on my bare skin makes me shudder as he gets even closer to me, and he whispers my name on my neck.

“Jen...”

I lift my head up to feel his hair tickling my cheek. He runs his hands softly over my sides to bring them to rest on my hips. As I keep grinding over him, I start feeling his erection through his pants. I can’t wait to leave that fucking club and have my way with him tonight.

But at the same time, I’m enjoying myself so much here, dancing in front of him, driving him crazy as much as he’s making me insane with his warm body cradling mine from behind, his lips lightly brushing my neck, his hands quietly holding me in front of him. I don’t want this moment to ever end.

But when I see Sam walk to us and plant himself in front of me, moving in sync with the music and a mischievous smile on his lips, I know my brief moment of bliss is over. I frown.

“What are you doing?”

“Covering you!” he replies with a laugh. “I’m helping you keep your relationship private, as you’re clearly too horny to remember to do it by yourselves! Seeing you grinding against him from afar, anybody would know you’re together. And there might be reporters here.”

I nod.

“Well, thank you?”

“You’re welcome!”

Josh moves to my left and we start dancing, the three of us placed in a triangle formation. As much as I was enjoying myself with Josh, Sam is right. We need to be more careful, and dancing so close to one another, in a sexy manner, would give us away anytime.

After a while, I decide I need another drink and make my way to the bar. Josh quickly meets me there.

“Hey, I’m sorry for what I did on the dance floor. It wasn’t wise given that we don’t want our relationship to be known yet.”

“I was being as bad as you,” I reply with a smile. “Don’t worry. Thank God, Sam was there.”

“Yes. Fortunately he was.”

“I don’t wanna stay here for long,” I add. “I can’t wait to be home with you.”

He replies with a cheeky smile.

“Me too.”

 

* * *

 

 

As I’m sitting with Josh in the booth and Sam, Laura, Justine and Andre are enjoying themselves on the dance floor, the music suddenly gets lower and I see Francis make his way to the stage. Josh rubs my hand with his thumb and shoots me a warm smile.

“Hey guys!” Francis starts with the hugest grin I’ve ever seen on his face. “First of all, I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves tonight!”

The crowd of cast and crew starts cheering loudly. As the sound dies down, I see somebody make his way in front of us and take Sam’s place in front of us. He winks at us.

“Woody!” I exclaim.

He motions to me to keep quiet. I smile and turn my attention back to Francis.

“I wanted to thank you all for the amazing work you did on this movie. It has been a hard shoot, but by your professionalism, sense of humor, hard-working mentality and unlimited energy, you made this exhausting project a pleasure to work on. I’m proud to have made this movie and I can’t wait to go back to the editing room to piece it together! You can be proud of the work you did on this movie!”

There’s another round of applause. I turn to Josh, who’s showing a beaming smile that echoes Woody’s.

“Now,” Francis starts when the crowd quiets down, “I have a few special gifts for my cast members. Can you please all join me here?”

I get up from the booth and walk to the stage, followed by Josh, Woody, and the rest of the cast, including a very clumsy Sam who almost falls on his way up the stairs. Francis hands us each a little box. I open mine and find a nice talisman necklace. I immediately turn to Josh to see that his shows an anchor, like his rib tattoo.

I take my own necklace between my fingers and stare at it with a heavy heart. I already know I’m gonna wear it very often. I want to remember this shooting, this family, these memories, forever. All the other cast members seem as delighted as we are by their own gifts. Josh grabs mine from my hand and slides it around my neck as I lift my hair to let him tie it. He then ties his own necklace around his neck, and with a simple glance at each other, we know, without even saying it, that this will be our symbol. That when we inevitably get apart in the coming months, a single look at the talisman will remind us of each other.

Of the love we found on this set. Of the promises we hold for the future.

We all hug Francis in greeting and Josh stays on the stage to take the DJ’s place for a while. I walk back to the table with Sam, Jena and Woody in tow.

Justine had guessed I would be thirsty, and so a new cocktail is waiting for me at my place next to her. I sit and start sipping it as my friends join us in the booth. My gaze rapidly drifts to Josh, who seems to have so much fun toying with the DJ’s console.

“You really seem happy, Jen,” Woody remarks, taking a sip of his own beer. “I take it you’ve stopped fighting over your stupid insecurities?”

“I guess so,” I say, my smile quickly falling as I remember that we’re definitely not out of the woods yet. As carefree as Josh seems to be tonight, I know there is still something bugging him, something that could have an impact on our relationship. But what is it?

“Oh, man,” he replies, shaking his head. “So when are you making it official?”

“I’m leaking the news of my break up in January. After that, I don’t know yet.”

“Well... if you want my advice...” he trails off.

“Go ahead.”

“Make sure you don’t let him slip between your fingers. I’ve seen you both together so often. You’re really made for one another, you know? It would be a shame for such a perfect... relationship to go to waste.”

I frown, thinking that his thoughts strangely echo what I heard from too many people so far. But then again, they don’t know Josh like I do. When the news of my break up with Nick goes public, and I can risk being seen with Josh more often, he’ll put his worries to rest. There’ll be no more room for those “be careful, you could lose him” warning talks.

 

* * *

 

 

A couple of hours later, after Josh has played the DJ for a while and danced with Sam while I was staring nonstop at my empty glass, he finally notices how bored I am and walks back to me.

“Let’s go?” he suggests. “Before you fall asleep on the table... we still have a nice night ahead of us. I don’t know about you, but I intend to take advantage of it to the fullest.”

He winks at me. I take the hand that he’s offering me and get up from the booth, finding myself a little tipsy already. He grabs me by the waist to steady me and I smile at him.

“Yes, I don’t intend to sleep through that booze tonight.”

 

* * *

 

 

The driver drops us at Josh’s house. It has already been convened with Andre and Justine that they’d stay at my house for the night, so that we can enjoy that last night together in private. I wait for Josh to unlock the door and I follow him inside. Without a word, he turns around slowly to lock the door behind me before walking to the kitchen and dropping his keys on the counter.

I have to admit that his behavior takes me by surprise a little bit. Given the giant sexual tension between us at the club tonight, I was expecting him to be a little more passionate when we’d finally find each other alone in a room together.

I take my shoes off and walk to meet him in the kitchen. He’s standing still in front of the counter, facing the window, away from me. A feeling of dread invades me as I remember he’s been acting strange all day before the party.

“Josh?” I whisper, snaking my arms around his torso and dropping my head on his shoulder. He takes a deep breath before turning around and staring at me with a serious expression. I frown.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

He shakes his head.

“Nothing.” He pauses. “I’m just emotional over the fact that we’re leaving tomorrow. It’s been an amazing experience and I’m sad to see it end.”

I nod.

“I understand. I feel the same way. But hey, we’ll be back on set next year,” I say, running the tips of my fingers over his cheek. “It’s not the end.”

His lips finally turn into a small smile.

“Yes, I guess,” he says.

“Come here,” I take his hand to lead him to his bedroom. “Let’s make the most of our last night here before going back home.”

When I reach the doorway, I stop and wrap my arms around his neck. He slowly leans in and sighs before lightly brushing his lips against my own. I hold onto him tighter and walk backwards towards the bed, my lips pressed harder against his. When the back of my legs hit the mattress, I let my hands slide down his front to start unbuttoning his shirt. Without a word, he unzips my dress and pushes it down to the floor. We stare at each other’s eyes for a moment, unmoving. The tension in the air grows heavier by the second, until he finally reaches for my waist and brings me to him. I sigh at the feeling of his bare skin pressing against mine, and I let my head rest on his shoulder in what has become a familiar embrace.

As much as I want him to fuck me tonight, I also enjoy the closeness we’ve developed over the weeks, the deep emotional connection we have built together. My heart starts beating faster as I feel his breath on my shoulder. As he starts placing feather light kisses over the side of my neck, I’m overwhelmed by a shiver that quickly travels through my whole body.

“Josh...” I whisper as he keeps peppering my skin with delicate kisses, driving me crazy with want. I run my hands all over his naked back and tilt my head backwards to give him better access to my neck. A rush of warmth engulfs my body as I focus on the feeling of his large hands roaming all over my skin. I quickly reach for his waist and start undoing his belt buckle. I sit on the bed and help him out of his jeans and underwear, before backing towards the headboard. Josh stares at me with a feral expression and kneels on the bed to hover over my body. He stops when he reaches my face, and leans in for a deep kiss that leaves me wanting more.

I run a hand over his chest and feel his heart beat impossibly fast underneath, the realization in turn filling me with a strong emotion I can’t quite identify. I just know that I’m attracted to him like a magnet, and that I need him whole: physically, mentally and emotionally. His mouth almost swallowing mine with the raw passion he brings to this kiss makes me moan in response. When our lips finally part slightly and he plunges his lustful gaze into mine, it hits me that there’s something different in our lovemaking. It’s like all his moves are filled with an emotion he can’t contain. And it overwhelms me by default.

“Josh,” I whisper as he buries his face in my neck.

“Shhhh,” he replies in a low voice. “Not now.”

He drops a kiss on my collarbone and renders me speechless. I try to relax under his touch. I run a hand over his back, all the way up to his golden hair. He kisses down to my breasts, and I look at his face to find out that his eyes are desperately shut. A sense of worry goes through me when I take in his concentrated face. I realize he’s a lot more serious than usual, and it’s upsetting me.

But then, as upset as I may feel, he’s bringing my body so much pleasure that I forget every fear I could have. I feel his wet mouth trace a path down my tummy, all the way to my belly button, before he starts tugging on my panties and I quickly oblige.

He still doesn’t say a word as he aligns his face with my center and starts doing wonders with his mouth. I want to scream how much I like it, how much I’d want him to fuck me right there, but I know this time is different.

And I know I have to let him lead the way, this time.

As he puts more pressure on my clit with his tongue, I grab the sheets with my fists and writhe in pleasure. I force myself to keep my eyes open and look down at him, so that I can catch his gaze if he ever looks up. He finally risks a glance, and I think his eyes are glassy. I try to convince myself it’s just lust.

“I love you, Josh,” I whisper as he closes his eyes again, before slowly pushing a finger into my opening and starting to pump and twist it the way he’s learned I enjoy. I Iet out a sigh, and he finally climbs back up to lie down next to me. When he finally looks at me, I take his face in my hands and plant a deep kiss on his slippery lips.

“I love you!” I say louder, happy tears filling my eyes. His own are already filled with tears, and he replies in a husky voice.

“I love you too. And I always will. Everything I’ll do... is because I love you.”

I frown, but then he rolls over me, aligns himself between my legs and slowly pushes his hard cock into my vagina. I gasp in surprise, before relaxing under his careful, deep thrusts. He’s going much slower than usual, as if he wanted to savor every move to the fullest.

As if it was the last time.

“Josh?”

“Shhhh,” he replies, echoing his answer from earlier. “Later.”

I close my eyes and wrap my arms around his neck. He picks up some pace, but I still feel each and every thrust, and he accompanies every move with a loud grunt that sounds more and more like cries of pain the longer it lasts. He leans down to kiss me, and I feel a tear drop on my cheek.

I almost call out his name in worry, but I know he’d shut it again, so I pretend not to notice. I run my hand in his hair while he slowly sucks on my earlobe. Then, I feel him start to push faster as he lifts his body enough to be able to rub my clit in rhythm with his thrusts.

He makes me come almost on the spot. As I feel my climax wash over me in strong waves of ecstasy, I barely realize Josh has almost stopped moving completely and is hiding his face in my shoulder, sobbing. I cradle his head and turn my face to kiss his hair.

“What’s wrong, Josh?” I whisper.

He shakes his head and slips out of my body, before getting up from the bed.

“I’ll be right back,” he says, his voice breaking, before locking himself up in the bathroom.


	23. Chapter 23

**Josh’s POV**

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had tried to focus on pleasuring Jen, throwing to the back of my mind the fact that this was likely our last night together, but it was useless. There was always a voice deeply rooted within me, telling me to treasure the feeling of her warm body pressed against mine, the sensation of my dick plunging into her vagina, and the sounds of pleasure she was making in response to my moves, as I would never get to experience this with her ever again.

And so before I could come, I cracked.

I know she noticed I was crying. Multiple times during our lovemaking, she had tried to make me talk, or to reassure me or something. But I didn’t want to hear any of it. I really, really wanted to make the most of our last night together. But I failed miserably.

As I sit on the floor, my naked back pressed against the cold side of the bathtub, I openly weep. Why am I making this so hard? Why did I let myself dream of a future with her? It could never work. She’d never want it.

But I’m not strong enough to do it.

“Josh? Can I come in?”

Jennifer’s voice on the other side of the door sounds assured, although tinted with a hint of worry. I run a hand over my face and sigh.

“Yes. Come in,” I reply, bending my legs in front me and hiding my face in my knees.

I don’t see her make her way to me. I don’t even hear her stealthy steps on the marble floor. I only know she’s sitting next to me when I feel the softness of her robe on my bare skin as she wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls my body to hers, resting her head on top of mine. Somehow, I’m relieved that we’re not facing each other.

“This is not the end, Josh,” she whispers. “This is just the beginning.”

“I guess,” I lie.

“We’ll make it work when we’re back in LA.”

“I don’t want to be a burden, Jen,” I say in a low voice. “You’ll be too busy with work.”

“I’ll go insane if I can’t see you. And then you’ll be leaving for Panama... “

“Don’t remind me.”

I’m really excited to start working on this film, but I’m not looking forward to being away from my friends and family for months in a foreign country. Especially being away from Jen, although I’m kidding myself, as by then, we will not be together anymore. If I can find the courage to act in her best interest, our relationship will have been over for months by then. But judging by the way it’s looking right now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it. I’m not ready.

The truth is that I’m selfish. I know I love her, and I know for her sake, for her future happiness, I should let her go. But it’s hard, and she’s not helping me here by making me believe we could have a future together.

Maybe after a night of sleep, I’ll find the courage to do what I have to do.

 

* * *

 

 

We’re both exhausted when we go back to bed, and so we quickly fall asleep in each other’s arms. I wake up at dawn with Jen’s warm breath tickling my neck, her naked body nestled against my side and her arm splayed across my chest. I rub a hand over my eyes and will the burst of sadness that just went through me to go away.

I try not to think about the fact that it’s likely the last time I ever wake up with her in my arms.

I look down at her sleepy form and will this image to stay etched in my mind forever. When I took the decision to abandon myself to her until the right time to let her go would come, I had anticipated that we would be happy together for some time. And despite the grief I feel deep in the pit of my stomach, I want to consider this morning a happy memory.

I drop a kiss on the top of her head and she slowly stirs, getting awake. She lifts her hand up to my cheek and caresses it, reaching up to press her lips against mine.

“Good morning,” she whispers, leaning her forehead against my cheek.

“Good morning,” I reply in my best attempt at a happy voice.

“I don’t want to leave,” she whines.

“Yeah, I wish I could stay here forever too,” I say, closing my eyes. “But we have to go back home. Hey, in a few hours, you’ll see your family again, that’s great.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Anything to distract her from what I’m about to do. I’ve decided to invite her for a coffee at my house after we land in LA, and this is where I’ll let her know of my decision. I don’t need her to be upset on the plane; she already seems disturbed by the fact that it was our last night together here.

I remind myself that it’s for the best.

“Let’s have breakfast?” I ask, making a move to get up. But before I can leave the bed, Jen pushes me back on the bed and hovers over me.

“Wait. About last night...”

My heart starts beating faster. I’m not ready for this conversation.

“There’s nothing to say,” I quickly reply. But I see in her eyes that she doesn’t take it.

“No, Josh,” she starts, staring straight into my eyes. “I promise I’ll find time to see you before you leave. No matter how busy I am. Hey, I still need to sleep and eat three times a day, right? We’ll find a way to see each other.”

She leans in and pecks my lips. I don’t have the heart to tell her it won’t work.

“I promise, Josh.”

 

* * *

 

 

After breakfast, Jen goes back to her house to pack her things. Andre walks back in not long after, which gives me the impression that they crossed paths on their way. He quickly confirms my suspicions.

“Did you say something to her?” he asks right after walking in the house. “She looked sad on her way in.”

“Not yet,” I sigh. “I couldn’t do it before we board the plane. But today is the day. I’ll just tell her after we land.”

“So you still haven’t changed your mind.”

I shake my head sadly.

“I haven’t changed my mind. She’ll thank me for that later.”

“She’ll hate you, you know that.”

“It’s for the best.”

I don’t let him reply before I retreat to my bedroom to pack my own things. I have to admit that I’m a bit surprised by his reaction. I thought he’d be more supportive of my decision, given how many warnings he’s given me over the last few months.

And when I told him all about my plan a few days ago, he didn’t think it was a good idea to pursue a temporary kind of relationship with Jen, but didn’t seem to object to my taking the matters into my own hands and choosing the moment to end it all myself. I didn’t expect him to try to move me by reminding me of Jen’s possible reaction to the news. Oh, well. It’s too late to back up now.

And I keep repeating the phrase in my head to give me some courage. It’s all for the best.

After I shove the remaining clothes into my suitcase, I take one last look around to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. My gaze lingers on the bed where I’ve spent so many nights wrapped up in Jennifer’s arms, enjoying the blissful feeling of her presence beside me, her steady breathing enveloping me into a sense of happiness that I will miss like crazy when we get back home. Thinking back on all these sweet mornings we woke up entangled into one another is bringing tears to my eyes.

I love her too much. I want her too badly. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it.

I shake my head, grab the handle of my suitcase and roll it out of the room. I make my way to the living room, where Andre has packed the last things. I look at the kitchen and find him cleaning up the fridge.

“Thank you, man,” I say.

“You’re welcome.”

“I’ll... check the other rooms one last time okay?”

“Go ahead.”

I nod, leave my suitcase in the living room and walk to the bathroom. It’s obvious that Andre has already removed all our personal belongings from there, but I still can’t help but linger there for a moment, recalling those few times I got to fuck Jen in the shower. I walk in, close the door behind me and walk to the clear glass making up the shower walls, where I lean my forehead and let the tears flow for a bit. After a while, I take a deep breath, wipe my tears and try to numb my feelings.

I guess it’s a good thing that I can let them out here; I need to be especially strong when I’m facing her this afternoon.

“Josh?”

I get out of the bathroom, making sure not to look at my friend who’s standing on the other side of the door.

“There’s nothing left here,” I say, walking to the guest room.

“Josh...” he starts. “You’re upset. Maybe you should wait before taking a decision. You wouldn’t want to hurt the both of you for nothing.”

I stop sharply and turn around, finally daring to look at him. He’s staring at me with a surprisingly understanding gaze.

“I’ve taken that decision a long time ago, Andre,” I sigh. “I can’t trust what she says about us. And I love her too much to place her in a difficult situation when she finds herself back with Nick.”

“So you’re gonna decide for her instead?”

I shrug. I guess I hadn’t seen it that way, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want her to feel obligated towards me when she renews her friendship with Nick. It’s mostly my fault that she messed with her feelings so badly, getting into a relationship without being over her ex. It’s only fair that I help fix that mistake, no matter how hard it hurts me.

“You’re not gonna fight for her?” he adds, lifting an eyebrow.

“No. I’m giving her the opportunity to make her own choice. You know I’ll always love her. In time, if she decides that I’m the one she wants, I’ll be there.”

“Unless you move on.”

“It could happen too.”

Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone this winter. I don’t intend on staying home all throughout my vacation.

I walk back to the living room and sit on the couch to wait for the assistant to come and pick up our stuff. Andre doesn’t say another word, only walking to the kitchen to gulp down the last water bottle, that he’d left sitting on the counter.

A few minutes later, there’s a knock on the door, and the assistant comes in. I help him load the suitcases into the car and Andre and I both say farewell to the Hawaiian house where I’ve made so many lasting memories over the past few weeks.

 

* * *

 

 

I meet Jen next at the airport, where we board the plane together. I take my seat next to her and as we wait for takeoff, she lays her head on my shoulder. I grab her hand and caress her delicate skin, my heart getting heavier by the second. I’m having a harder time than I thought handling the stress of what I’m about to do in just a few hours.

Shortly after takeoff, when we’re allowed to unbuckle our seatbelts and roam the plane freely, I’m surprised to see Francis walking in our direction, a forced smile on his face. He sits across from me and looks down.

“I have some news for you guys. Good and bad, I guess.”

I frown and share a confused look with Jen, who has sprung up from my shoulder as soon as Francis started speaking.

“Go ahead,” I say.

“We’ll have to do reshoots. That’s the bad news. The whole monkey sequence needs to be re-shot. There were issues with the lighting that we thought we could go around at first, but it turned out that it just doesn’t work. So we’ll have to come back.”

“I can’t come back,” Jen says quickly, her face taking on that panicked, anxious look that I’ve come to recognize since I got closer to her. I rub her hand to calm her down.

“I know,” he says. “Nina and I have already spoken to your manager and publicist. We’ll work around your schedule. At the moment, we’re shooting to come back right after the Oscars.”

“For how long?” I ask. “I’m supposed to leave for Panama to shoot a movie in March.”

“Just a week. I know about that, we’ve talked to your manager as well. They pushed back your departure a week later than it was supposed to. So it will all work out in the end.”

I nod slightly and look at Jen, who seems to have calmed down a little.

“What was the good news?” she asks.

“Well, didn’t you enjoy Hawaii? I know I’m looking forward to another trip there!”

I share a small smile with Jen, and Francis walks back to his seat to give us some privacy. That news is completely crushing my plans now. I thought today would be the last time in a while that I’d see her, and that she would have time to forget me before I left for Panama. But now, if I insist we’re over today, it’s gonna be awkward when we meet again in just two months for filming.

I don’t have a choice anymore. I’ll have to wait until I leave for Panama before having the talk with her.

I’m not sure I’ll still have the courage to do it when the time comes though.

I sigh and close my eyes, leaning back into the headrest. After a moment, I feel Jen’s fingers gently caress my cheek and her low voice on my neck makes me shiver.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No,” I whisper. “It’s okay.”

I bite my lip, open my eyes and turn to face her, trying to offer her a convincing smile but obviously failing miserably, as she stares at my eyes with a deep frown.

“I don’t believe you. Are you upset because we need to come back?”

“Not really. I mean, yes, in a way, I am.”

“Why?”

I quickly realize that going back to work right after the Oscars also means Jen will have to renounce to any vacation plan she could have had.

“You would have deserved some rest. You know as much as I do that award season is gonna be crazy for you this year. And then, after we come back, you’re supposed to go filming _X-Men_ right away. You won’t have any time off because of that, it sucks.”

“Maybe. But I’m seeing it differently.”

She cuddles closer to me before clarifying her thoughts.

“It’s an opportunity for us to spend time together. I don’t care that we’ll be working 14 hours a day for a whole week. As long as it’ll be with you, I’m happy. I don’t need a fancy vacation.”

She looks up and stares at me with a look full of love that breaks my heart even more.

“I need you.”

She presses her lips against mine for a quick kiss.

“Okay. So you want us to keep dating in secret?” I ask, trying to elaborate a quick plan B.

“Of course.”

“And how are we gonna do that with the paparazzi camping on your lawn and following me on my motorcycle?”

She doesn’t answer straightaway. I sense that we’re both looking for solutions. I have an idea, but it’s risky. I guess it’ll be worth proposing to our publicists anyway.

“I have no clue. I guess it could be easier for me to spend time at your house since it’s in the middle of the woods.”

“Yeah, but if they follow you from your place and they see you driving into my property, they’ll figure it out quite easily. Are you ready to take that risk?”

I know she isn’t. She knows the last thing she needs is to be linked to me romantically.

“I guess I am.”

“Jen!”

“Josh!” she playfully hits my arm. “I’ll go crazy if I don’t see you for two months! Especially with award season! That’s too many people, too many appearances, too many opportunities to get in trouble with my big mouth! I need to find a way to see you... can’t you drive to my place instead? Or pick me up to your place?”

She has a point here. Maybe it could be feasible.

“I guess we could try. I was having another idea, but we’ll have to see with Angie and Liz if it’s a good one or not.”

“What is it?”

“I’d call it a diversion strategy. What if I make sure to be seen with popular girls in Hollywood, so that the media speculates on who I might be dating, while never thinking of linking us together.”

“Oh, that’s clever.”

“I can have good ideas. Sometimes,” I chuckle.

She doesn’t answer, only resting her head on my shoulder again, grabbing my hand and rubbing her thumb on my skin. We stay cuddled for a while, before Jen speaks again in a low voice.

“I’ll miss you for the holidays. Can’t you pass by Louisville while you’re in Kentucky?”

“Too risky Jen, you know that. Not as long as you’re still officially with Nick. And besides, I’ll be too busy snowboarding.”

She jumps up suddenly and stares at me with an angry frown.

“You better be careful on the slopes!” she says in a furious voice, tapping my chest with her finger before lowering her tone. “I need you whole.”

“I know. I will.” I smile. “It’s barely more than three weeks anyway. After, we’ll have the PCA’s.”

Her face takes on a confused look.

“You’re invited?”

“Yes! You didn’t know? Liam is supposed to be there too.”

“I didn’t! Oh, I’m so relieved! I thought I’d be alone there! It sucked...”

“Yeah, you’ll have to endure our crazy asses all night long.”

She laughs, before leaning in for a kiss.

“I can’t wait for it.”

 

* * *

 

 

After we land in LA, we don’t see each other until the night of the People’s Choice Awards. We do share a lot of texts and Facetime conversations, though.

And I go back to carefree mode, focusing on the good times we can still spend together rather than mulling over the day it will be over.

Liam and I are scheduled to get in some two hours after Jen, and they won’t let us inside before the time comes. When I finally take my assigned seat next to Liam, Jen greets me with a killer look. I mutter to her over our friend.

“Not our fault, they wouldn’t let us in.”

She shakes her head in disbelief, faking to be mad at us.

“Oh, Jen,” I playfully pout in return, finally managing to tear a smile out of her. Liam shakes his head in discouragement.

A photographer comes and takes a picture of the three of us during a commercial break.

“Let’s take one with me between the boys!” Jennifer asks playfully, immediately pulling on Liam’s arm so he has no choice but to stand up and leave his place to her. They switch seats and I lean closer to her for the picture.

“There you go,” she says after the photographer is gone. “Now we’re good,” she whispers in my ear.

I respond with joking hard eyes. She instantly understands my playful, but very real message: we need to be careful. But at the same time, we’re enjoying ourselves way too much to avoid sitting together, talking without words, communicating with our eyes, occasionally leaning in for the odd whisper in the ear.

Just like I do right now.

“You look gorgeous in that dress.”

“Thank you!” she replies with a wink. I lean in again.

“But you’ll look even more gorgeous when I take it off tonight and you’re standing naked before me.”

I see her twist on her seat uncomfortably, which makes me smile.

The commercial break is over, so we turn our attention back to the stage. As much as I would have liked for Jen to stay next to me, her and Liam switch back to their official seating arrangement so as not to put us in trouble with the powers that be. It’s better that way anyway; I was dying to grab her hand, run my fingers over her thigh, touch her in any way I could. But with the audience and the cameras, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to show such obvious affection here.

Especially as the news of her break up with Nick still hasn’t made its way in the media yet. But Jen is adamant that it’s a matter of days before the news is out.

I trust her on that.

I focus my attention on Christina Aguilera’s number, and then we’re called to pick up some of the awards we’ve won for the movie. I put on my best smile and walk in front of the microphone first, concentrating on my speech.

I should have known she’d take the opportunity to tease me in front of the whole nation.

So when she grabs my ass in the middle of the stage, I flinch for a second, before letting a small smile illuminate my face. She’s so gonna pay for it later.

When Jen and Liam are done with their speeches, we walk backstage, and as soon as we’re out of the way of cameras, I pull Jen with me behind a curtain.

“What was that!” I hiss with a smile.

“What was what?” she feigns ignorance.

“You grabbed my ass on national television!”

“You think people noticed?” she winks.

“It was kinda obvious.”

It’s not that I’m self-conscious, but she’s not helping to keep our relationship a secret when she acts like that.

“Jen, seriously. That’s the kind of thing that could make people talk, you know that?”

She gives me a falsely disappointed look, before she grabs my hand and leads me back to the backstage carpet. She stares at me with a huge smile, and then she surprises me by throwing herself at me in a solid headbutt that makes me chuckle. I smile, pull my tongue at her and try to push her away from me playfully.

“What are you doing?”

“Showing the world that we’re just two silly friends.” She lifts her head up and winks. “Who’s the clever one now?”

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

It’s good to spend time with Josh again. I’ve been quite busy over the last few weeks, ever since we landed in LA after our work trip in Hawaii, so I barely had time to miss him. But still, every night before going to bed, I’d either think about him for a while, or I’d crack and call, text, or most of the time, Facetime him to see his face and hear his voice before falling asleep.

I still don’t know why he was so melancholic that last night in Hawaii, but ever since we came back home, he’s been looking happy and carefree, so I don’t mind it as much.

But I couldn’t wait to see him again, and he didn’t disappoint me. He looked so handsome in his tie-free suit; I had a hard time keeping my hands to myself.

The photocall after the award show gave me the opportunity to bask a little bit in Josh’s closeness. I noticed he pulled me closer to him, and I leaned in closer to him too, leaving Liam obviously outside of our own bubble. But I was certain people wouldn’t read onto this too much.

I can’t wait to announce the split from Nick. This is looming over my head like a nasty cloud that you hope will go past without pouring a fucking shower over you. Liz planned for the news to leak in a couple of days, so it benefits Nick’s upcoming movie.

I figured a long time ago that the more I helped him, the more likely to be nice about it all he would be. It’s a win-win situation.

As I stand on the blue carpet, my eyes burning from the repeated flashes of the cameras, I can’t wait to be allowed to go back home.

Well, home isn’t quite the right word. I fully intend to make myself invited to Josh’s treehouse.

I look down at him and we don’t even need to talk to understand one another.

As we’re allowed to leave, Liz and Angie meet us and get on the SUV with us.

“I want to go to Josh’s house,” I say.

“Alright,” Liz nods, leaning in front to talk to the driver.

I turn to Josh and yawn, leaning back into the seat and closing my eyes.

I’m almost asleep when the driver stops next to the gate locking up Josh’s driveway. I open my eyes as I feel Josh’s hand gently squeezing my thigh.

“Wake up, honey, we’re home,” he says in a low voice.

I look at the seat behind me and realize that Liz and Angie have already gotten out. I must have slept for part of the ride as I didn’t even feel the stop at their hotel. Josh thanks the driver, walks out of the car and helps me out. I’m a little tipsy from all the wine I had at the awards show – they let me drink a few cups backstage between the time I accepted my personal award and the time I went back to my seat, waiting for the boys’ arrival – so Josh supports me as I will my head to stop spinning. I stare at him with a large smile, and he gently nuzzles my nose.

“Let’s get inside. You never know who could be hidden somewhere on the street.”

I nod and follow him through the solid gate. It’s hard to see the landscape properly since it’s so dark, but I can make out several bushes and trees lining the wide cement trail. Josh takes my hand and leads me to the entrance of his house, the one that up until now, I had only seen in pictures.

I almost trip on my way up the stairs, but Josh doesn’t let go of my hand and helps me up safely. Once we’re inside, he turns on the light and watches me intently as I take in his living space for the first time.

The house feels so relaxing, with its wooden ceilings, dark walls, dimmed lights. I take off my heels, walk a little further inside the living room and run a hand on the soft, creamy-colored leather sofa.

“I don’t live much inside,” Josh says, removing his jacket and throwing it on an armchair before walking next to me. “Unless it’s raining. I much prefer the outside living room.”

“This house is fucking nuts, you know that?” I reply, turning to face him with a large smile. “Not only did you buy the best hidden house in all of Hollywood, but it’s the loveliest place I’ve ever been in.”

I don’t add that I think the house fits his personality to a T, as he enjoys being outdoors way too much to spend his life inside a gigantic house.

And the large rooms carry a sense of freedom that is very much welcome with the kind of life we’re leading.

“It is. But it gets lonely sometimes,” he replies, wrapping his arm around my waist to bring me closer to him. “You haven’t seen it all... but I don’t know about you...” he adds, punctuating his every other word with a peck on my lips, “but I’m not interested... in a tour... of the house... at the moment. There are more important things to do.”

“Oh yeah?” I push him to sit on the couch and climb on it to straddle him. “Like what?”

“I don’t know,” he murmurs, his hands sliding under the edge of my black and silver dress to caress my butt. “I’m sure you can think of something.”

I grab the edge of the couch to give me leverage and press myself closer into Josh’s body, feeling his growing erection through his dress pants. He burrows his face into my neck and I gasp upon the contact of his mouth with my skin. I’ve been waiting for this the whole night.

Who am I kidding here? I’ve been waiting for this for days, weeks even.

Ever since that fateful night in Hawaii, the night Josh made love to me as if it was the last time.

Tonight, I’m proving him wrong.

I lean my head closer to his face to whisper in his ear.

“I could do a lot of things to your body, you know.”

“Is that an invitation?” he says in a raspy voice while still nibbling on my neck.

“I’ll let you figure that out.”

I don’t give him time to mutter another answer before my lips crash on his. The kiss is passionate, desperate, as I pour in all the want for him I’ve contained in the past few weeks. He returns it eagerly, his mouth devouring mine in a way that quickly makes me unbearably horny for him. As I rub my center on his bulge, I feel his hands slide up my back to unzip my dress.

“Be careful, I have to give it back in one piece,” I say, unwillingly untangling my lips from his.

“Take it off, then,” he lets out in a breath, helping me out of the garment. I take advantage of the short dress and light material to just pull it over my head and throw it carelessly on the other couch. Josh quickly makes work of my bra clips and soon, I find myself totally bare-chested before him. I run a finger down the side of his face and stare at his lustful eyes for a while, before I begin slowly unbuttoning his shirt. When I can finally push it away from his shoulders, I take some time to admire the strong muscles of his torso, the light hair that trails down to his belly, and the inviting softness of his skin.

He cradles my head and pulls me closer to him, whispering in my ear.

“I’ve got an idea. Let’s go.”

He gently pushes me back down on the floor as I frown, before he takes off his pants and throws them back on the couch. I stare at his mischievous expression and see his eyes travel down my body to rest on my legs, still covered with the tights I wore with my dress tonight. I get the message and remove them as he takes his own socks off, and we stand before each other in just our underwear.

Josh walks closer to me, pulls me into his steady body and plants a light kiss on my lips.

“Follow me,” he utters, grabbing my hand to lead me to his bedroom. But he doesn’t stop when we reach the bed as I would have thought. Instead, we keep walking until we reach another door, and as we walk in the other room, I get it instantly.

In a corner of that vast, marble-clad room, almost sitting completely outside of the house, is the walk-in shower I had dreamed about. It’s large, and the two glass walls that give on the trees lining up the backyard really give the impression of walking outside. Josh turns to me and winks, before taking off his boxers and throwing them into his dirty clothes basket. I finally remove my own underwear, take out the pins holding my hair up and follow him inside the shower. He turns on the water and quickly gets it to a comfortable temperature. As I walk underneath the water jets, I close my eyes and let the lukewarm water bring my body to a relaxed state. When I feel Josh’s chest cradling my body from behind, I lean into his wet skin and drop my head to rest on his shoulder.

“I love you, Jen,” he whispers, kissing me on the cheek.

“I love you,” I answer, grabbing his hands, which are encasing me in a familiar embrace, one that I don’t ever want to lose again.

In a swift movement, I turn around in his arms, grab his face with my hands and press my lips to his for a kiss that quickly gets heated as I welcome his tongue into my mouth and I enjoy the sensation of his hands wandering down my spine. He pushes me to the wall where I feel the decorative tiles press into my back, but I don’t care. In that moment, I’m lost in the depths of passion, in the bliss of my feelings, in the arms of this man.

The man I love.

The man I’ve loved all along.

I open my eyes to take in his expression. He looks just as overwhelmed by desire as I am, his eyelids drooping heavily, his breath coming out in short pants. He lets his hands slide down my back until they rest on my ass and he starts gently caressing it. I lean in for another kiss, more tender this time, as he presses his damp body even closer to mine. His lips quickly run down my throat, and then to my breasts, where he starts sucking on the flesh in a gentle way that’s driving me crazy. I run a hand in his hair as he lets his mouth travel all over my chest.

“Oh my God...” I let out, sliding down the wall a little bit.

“You can call me Josh,” he replies with a wink. I chuckle.

“You’re a dummy.”

“Your favorite dummy.”

He gets back up, staring at me with a wicked smile as I run my hands down to his shoulders. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for another kiss. When we part, I gaze at his lovely face, covered by droplets dripping from his cheeks as water from the showerhead pours all over him, and I feel a burst of happiness at the thought of finally being here with him. In his house. In his shower.

In his arms.

All of a sudden, he grabs my thighs and lifts me up, pushing me against the tile-covered shower wall. In one swift and agile movement, he’s entered me. I gasp in surprise, before letting out a moan I feel like I’ve held inside all night long. Finally, we’re back together.

I wish we could be together all the time. I miss him so fucking much. All of him.

As he starts thrusting smoothly, pressing my body against the cold wall for leverage, I wrap my legs around his torso and clutch his shoulders tightly. The view from the glass walls is mesmerizing; I really have the impression of standing outside, in the middle of the trees, under a warm shower rain.

Josh starts to pick up some speed and accompanies the movements with low grunts of his own that turn me on even harder. I press my mouth against the skin of his neck, the only place I can reach with our position. As he pushes into me faster, I hold onto his muscular shoulders even tighter.

“Fuck, Jen,” he mutters. “Fuck...”

He slows down a little and glances at my breasts, before leaning in to cover my neck with kisses. After a few more thrusts, he reluctantly puts me back down. I lean in against the glass wall and turn my head towards him, watching him with a daring, sexy expression, inviting him to take me from behind. He quickly returns my smug smile, positions himself behind me and bends over my back to drop a kiss in the hollow between my neck and shoulder.

“You have an amazing looking ass, did I ever tell you that?”

“I think you did,” I reply, as he thrusts into me some more, eliciting a deep gasp from me.

“Well I’ll tell you again,” he says in a breath. “You. Are. Gorgeous.”

As he starts thrusting faster, I’m breathless. I can only reply with a series of moans that resonate in the bathroom. The glass is soft and cold under my skin, and it heightens my senses even more. I turn my head to watch Josh over my shoulder. His face is set in a deeply focused expression. He grabs my hips, before wrapping an arm around my waist and rubbing my clit in circles while he fucks me even harder.

“Oh yeah... Josh... Keep going, I’m gonna come,” I mutter, pressing my face against the window.

I feel his warm breath on my neck, his wet torso brushing my back, and I forget everything. There’s only him and me, only this blissful moment, only this delicious feeling invading my whole being. I don’t want to think about anything else.

The pressure building up in my center quickly becomes overwhelming, and I finally reach my climax in a loud moan as Josh thrusts impossibly faster, getting closer to his own relief. I look at him again over my shoulder, cradle his head with my left hand and kiss him hard. He grunts one last time, and I feel him push deeper a few more times before he slides out and wraps his arms around me for a warm, loving hug.

I breathe him in, leaning my back against the glass wall.

“That was fucking hot,” he says.

“You know I was fantasising about your shower?”

He stares at me with a smile.

“And were you disappointed?”

“Not at all. Come on, let’s use it for its intended purpose now.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Don’t be surprised when you see me with a girl on the back of my motorcycle next week.”

We’re both lying down on his bed after spending the night rediscovering ourselves and sleeping lightly in each other’s arms. The sunrise is lighting up the whole room, making me feel like I’ve woken up in some sort of paradise. I lift myself from Josh’s side and climb on top of him, spreading my whole body over his and resting my chin on his chest to have a good look at his face.

“What’s the matter?” I ask nonchalantly, picking at his chest hair.

“Remember in the plane when I told you I had an idea? I talked with Angie and she thought it was a brilliant idea.”

“I’m not surprised,” I yawn. “You always come up with brilliant ideas. What is it?”

“I’m gonna take one of my friend Jarod’s girl friends on a night out, and get the paps on it. That way, they’ll speculate about my love life but won’t think of the possibility of us being together.”

“I want the news of my break up to leak tomorrow,” I reply resolutely. The thought just passed through my mind in a blur. “I just can’t stand to know people think I’m still with him, when all I want is to be with you.”

He gives me a surprisingly sad smile.

“Is that what you really want? There’s no going back after this.”

“That’s what I want,” I say, leaning in to peck his lips. I sigh. “I wish I could take you as my plus-one at the Golden Globes.”

“In a few years, Jen.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there at the after-party,” he whispers, running a hand in my blonde hair.

As I open my mouth to reply, I’m startled by the sound of my phone ringing on the side table. I stretch out to pick it up, drop my head back down on Josh’s sternum and put the phone against my ear, letting out a yawn before talking.

“Hello?”

“Congratulations, sweetie!” my mom’s voice says on the phone. I frown.

“For what? My People’s Choice Awards? It wasn’t a surprise...”

“Well, this too, but no, for your second Oscar nomination!”

“Oh, it was this morning? Okay... thank you!”

“Jennifer! Where did you spend the night?”

“Hmmm...”

I’m distracted by Josh’s fingers tracing lines over my spine, purposely brushing lightly over my most sensitive spots. With his other hand, he keeps playing in my hair.

“At Josh’s place.”

“I wish you would have been here with us this morning for the announcement,” she lets out in a disappointed tone.

“Well... I’m sorry. I couldn’t really end last night any other way,” I say, lifting my head up to stare at Josh’s proud smile. “But let’s agree that I was at home last night and that you woke me up with the news, alright?”

“Alright. Have fun, sweetie. We’re so proud of you.”

“Thanks, mom. I’ll be home later today. I’ll call you back.”

“Okay. See you later.”

I end the call and stare at Josh, who’s looking at me with stars in his eyes. He cups my face and pulls me to him for a long, emotion-filled kiss. When our lips finally part, he whispers.

“I’m so proud of you, honey. Never forget that.”

 

* * *

 

 

As much as I would like to enjoy the night of my first Golden Globe win, it turns out to be a disastrous experience in most regards. I’m sick, I’m drugged so I can function seemingly properly, and I end up putting my foot in my mouth more times than I can count, the biggest blunder being a little joke I make in my acceptance speech as I assume the people in attendance would catch the reference easily.

But they don’t, and I find myself quickly involved in a “I think I’m better than Meryl Streep” kind of controversy.

It sucks, but I don’t really care about that. What hits me the most is the absence of Josh by my side. I’m glad to have my family around me, but I know he would have eased my stress just by being there. He would have taken my hand under the table and calmed my nerves. Would have whispered silly things that would have made me laugh in an otherwise exhausting night. Would have made me feel warm with his bright smile.

I don’t want to hide anymore. I need him here with me, especially in this stormy period of my life.

His presence at the after-party only ends up helping his distraction strategy, as I’m too sick and tired to stay and he shows up there with a harem of Disney girls. Throughout the ceremony, he had tried through several text messages to convince me to stay just for a little while, but I knew I should take every minute of rest that was available, and if I was being reasonable, it was better that we weren’t seen together yet. His last text, that I get just before the last award is handed, punches me in the gut as I picture the scene in my mind.

JOSH: Don’t be surprised, I’m gonna show up with Selena, Vanessa and a few of their girl friends. Game is on. The tabloids won’t know what to make up anymore. Love you.

I don’t waste time to reply back.

JENNIFER: Wish you would have been here with me tonight. Love you.

I don’t dare voice to him how irrationally upset the thought of him spending the night with all these girls makes me though.

 

* * *

 

 

Seeing the news of my break up finally leak on the web feels very satisfying, until Justine texts me to tell me to brace myself for pictures of Nick making out with an Italian model in a restaurant.

Apparently, he was in a hurry to get over me and let the whole world know, but as much as I would expect to have a hard time dealing with that, I don’t find it particularly difficult.

What I find difficult instead is to see the pictures of Josh with his lady friend, her large, proud smile piercing the photograph, and her hands resting over his waist in a possessive manner.

I’m too chicken to ride a motorcycle, but I’ve never wanted to be in her place more than I do now.

Josh seems indifferent, annoyed even, which calms my jealousy down. But I still can’t help the pang of envy from hurting in my chest.

The next morning, I’m woken up by a tickling sensation on my neck. I burrow my face in the pillow and take a deep breath, enjoying the sweet caress of warm lips wandering all over my skin.

“Hey,” he says, his deep voice triggering a pleasant stirring in my chest. I finally open my eyes and take in his proud smile.

“Hi.”

“Your mom let me in. Are you feeling any better?”

I flip on my back and he sits on the edge of the bed, gently pushing a strand of hair away from my face and stroking my face at the same time.

“A little bit. The medication and rest helps.”

He nods.

“I think I haven’t properly congratulated you for your win.”

“I don’t remember you congratulating me. In fact, I don’t remember much at all.”

He leans in and drops a light kiss on my lips. As he pulls away, he whispers.

“Congratulations, honey. I’m so proud of you.”

“Be careful, you’re gonna get sick,” I chuckle lightly.

“I don’t care,” he smiles. His gaze is mesmerizing. He takes my hand and runs his thumb over my skin.

I want to talk to him about the girls. I think he knows, because he addresses the subject by himself.

“The strategy is working good so far. In the past two days I’ve been dating both Selena and Chloe, and the media don’t want to imagine you with anyone other than Bradley.”

I bite my lip.

“Jen?”

“It’s okay.”

“You know they’re just friends, right? Chloe did spend the night at my place, but she slept in Andre’s old room and nothing happened.”

“I know. I just wish we could be out together in the open, is all.”

He shakes his head with a smile.

“No, you don’t. With the movies, it would be a nightmare and you know that. You don’t want to lose the little privacy you still have. But I wish I could be there by your side when you have to attend those award shows. It kills me, really. I’ve watched you at the Globes. You looked so fucking stressed out.”

He knows me so well, he can pick up on little things like that. I lift myself up to sit on the bed and motion for him to join me. He climbs in behind me, leaning on the headboard, and I rest my back on his chest, pulling the comforter over us. As I enjoy the warmth of his arms and his reassuring presence with me, I sigh.

“I need you.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Josh’s POV**

I’m surprised at how often I got to see Jen between all her award season promotional activities so far. The fact that she had to stay home to nurse the flu and subsequent pneumonia she was suffering from when she attended the Golden Globes helped, but I’m still amazed at how easy it is for us to spend time together at home.

I hadn’t expected that. And I hadn’t expected how easily I would fall back into our old routine either, simply enjoying the time we can be together, without a care for the world, as if the prospect of her going back to film with her ex-boyfriend and me leaving to shoot in a foreign country for months on end wasn’t looming above our heads.

It’s too easy to forget, to let my guard down, and I berate myself for it. But at the same time, I can’t help but treasure the time I spend with her, just lying together on her bed, or sprawled out on the couch watching TV, her family randomly chatting in the background.

The day after the SAG awards, I seize the opportunity to visit her at home once again. When I come in, I immediately notice all the awards piling up on one of her coffee tables.

“Hey, that’s a nice table you’ve got there!” I laugh, grabbing the latest addition to examine it closer.

“Thank you!” she says, leaning in to kiss my cheek. I put the statuette back on the table and turn to face her, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her in for a sweet kiss.

“I can’t wait for this madness to be over,” I whisper. “I can’t stand to see you so exhausted and sick. You’re still taking a vacation after the re-shoots, right?”

She bites her lower lip and looks down shyly.

“Jen?”

“I’ve been offered a role in David’s next movie,” she mutters, still unable to look me in the eyes.

I stare at her in shock.

“You’re kidding me, right? Jen?”

She finally looks up. I register a hint of disappointment in her face, although she’s trying really hard to hide it.

“I’m not. He’s writing this amazing role, just for me... I wouldn’t be where I am without him.”

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” I answer a little bitterly.

She looks everywhere but at me.

“There are many reasons I accepted, Josh. Look where I am, now, thanks to him. And this is a promising project. And it’s just a supporting role, I won’t be working all that much...”

“But you won’t catch a single break between award season, the re-shoots, and your _X-Men_ movie,” I point out. I gently lift her chin with my fingers to force her to face me as I keep speaking in a lower voice. “I’m worried for you, honey. You’ll be exhausted. You’re already getting sick...”

“I know. But I’ll be fine. Josh...” She tightens her hold around my waist and drops her head on my shoulder. “Try to understand. I had a choice between pacing my home for six weeks or distracting myself by shooting a movie...”

“Distracting yourself from what?” I frown.

“From you being away.”

I’m taken by surprise when she suddenly lifts her head from my shoulder and presses her lips against mine in a kiss that quickly becomes heated. Her arms weave themselves around my neck; mine reach automatically for her lower back. I’m drawn to her as close as it is physically possible, and as we let our tongues explore our mouths in that familiar way I’ll never get enough of, I sigh. I feel her untangle her arms from my neck so she can let her hands travel down my chest and slip around my waist, pulling me even closer to her. When we finally need to come for air, I allow my hands to climb back up her spine and cup her face, pressing my forehead against hers, staring at her with a serious gaze.

“I had plans,” I whisper. “There have been delays with the production for my movie. If the re-shoots don’t last more than a week, I’ll be home for an extra couple of weeks before flying to Panama. I was hoping we’d be able to do something together before leaving.”

She pulls back, startled, and glares at me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I sigh and can’t hide the sadness from tinting my features.

“It was supposed to be a surprise.”

She nods.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes, looking down while she runs her fingers along the muscles of my chest.

“It’s okay.”

“Hey,” she says softly, cupping my cheek with her hand to get me to look at her. “Come on, let’s eat and watch some stupid TV. I’ll be right back.”

As she disappears into the kitchen to fetch some food and drinks, I sit on her couch and observe my surroundings. The house lacks any kind of homey vibe, maybe because she spends so little time here. The abstract paintings decorating the walls feel like they’re coming straight out of a decoration mag. The DVD library is almost empty as she keeps forgetting them everywhere: in her luggage, at my home, at her friends’. Her dark-furred cat is lying under an empty table, fast asleep. The blinds are always closed, since Jen’s house doesn’t offer as much privacy as mine, so the room feels dimly lit for this time of the day.

I wish I could offer her to move in with me. But she’d probably find the idea ridiculous, as she’s said multiple times that she can’t wait to leave LA for good. It’s a shame though. If she was living at my place, she’d be able to chill outside without fearing being caught by paparazzi trespassing on her lawn. We’d be able to watch films every night cuddled on the large sofa that’s sitting in a secluded corner of the porch. We’d have barbecues, hide-and-seek contests in the trees, and marshmallow roasting around one of the firepits, her body comfortably nestled against mine under a thick blanket.

And we’d have sex. Everywhere. In the shower. In my bedroom. On my dining room table. On the couch just outside of the house. Up against one of the trees in my backyard.

And maybe, one day, that second room could become useful.

I’m thrown out of my daydream when Jen comes back with a bag of Cheetos in one hand and a couple of bottles of beer in the other one. She hands me one, drops the bag on the table, and swiftly removes the cap on her bottle, before taking a few long gulps and sitting down right next to me. She leaves her bottle on the front table and carefully opens the bag so it won’t tear up.

Of course, it ends up tearing up, projecting orange crunchy snacks all over the place. I burst out laughing and put my beer next to hers, leaning in to help pick up the Cheetos from the floor as she cusses and walks to the kitchen to get a garbage bag and a bowl.

“You’d better not comment,” she says, gritting her teeth, faking anger.

“I didn’t say anything!” I laugh. “Stop projecting your own self judgment on me!”

“Alright, alright,” she says, picking up the last few bites on the carpet and tossing them inside the bag. She hands me the bowl so I can empty some of the remaining contents of the torn-up bag into it. “I’ll pass the vacuum later,” she mumbles, before crashing on the couch next to me. I pull her closer to my body and switch the TV on, flipping through channels until I land on TLC.

We’re silent for a while. I sense Jen is thinking hard about something, as is usually the case when she unexpectedly cuts her random chatter and keeps silent for a good moment.

I’m afraid of what she’s thinking.

“Are we ever gonna talk about what happened in Hawaii?” she asks on a serious tone. I swallow thickly.

“What do you mean?” I reply, knowing very well what she means. But I’m not ready to have this conversation. I had almost forgotten that our relationship would be over by next month.

“Why were you so upset the last night before we flew back home?”

She lifts her head from my chest to examine my face and gently caresses my cheek with the warm palm of her hand.

“I never thought we’d actually be able to spend time together during award season,” I say slowly. “I was actually expecting things to change a lot more, so I was upset to leave our bubble in Hawaii.”

Which is not totally false. It’s just not the sole reason.

“Actually, things did change,” I add, taking a gulp of beer. She’s still staring at my face with the same loving gaze, the same bright eyes I can never resist. “If it wasn’t for all the time we spent together off set while we filmed that movie, we wouldn’t be hanging out as much at home now. Things changed... for the best, I guess.”

I bite my lip as she nods and puts her head back down on my shoulder.

“It broke my heart to see you so upset that night,” she whispers, making my heart tighten in my chest. “I don’t wanna lose you, Josh. I need you. You have no idea how much I need you.”

“What will you do when we’re away?” I ask on a forced matter-of-fact tone.

“I don’t know,” she replies earnestly. I feel her bury her face in my neck, her lips brushing my skin. “I don’t want to think about it. I think I’ll be counting the days until we can meet again.”

I stare at the TV, my mind wandering.

“We’re getting too close,” I murmur. “I don’t want you to be so miserable when we’re apart.”

“It’s just gonna be a few months. We’ll get through it. Besides, we still have time to spend together this week, right?”

“Jen...”

“What?” she asks, lifting her head up to stare at me with a concerned look.

“Oh, man. I forgot to tell you.” I bite my lip nervously. “I’m leaving for New Orleans in two days. Gonna spend most of the week there for the Super Bowl.”

“Oh...” she says, looking disappointed. “Do you really have to go?”

“I’m committed to celebrity games. It was an opportunity I couldn’t miss, you know... and I thought you’d be so busy anyway.”

“I will be busy... but I thought we’d be able to spend our nights together, at least.”

“Yeah, with your parents and brothers sneaking on us?” I wink at her. “Not gonna happen.”

“I could have spent the night at your place again,” she smiles dreamily. “Not gonna lie, I miss your bed. And your shower.”

I chuckle.

“You wouldn’t do that. Not with your parents squatting your place. Not with all your commitments. They’d be too scared you’d oversleep, and then it’d get awkward.”

I drop a light kiss on her forehead, staring off into space.

“ But I’ll be back at the beginning of next week,” I add. “You’ll still be here, right? There’s no other award show before that.”

“There is,” she sighs. “I’m flying to London for the BAFTA’s that week. Don’t know what day exactly, but I know it’s somewhere that week...”

My stomach churns at the mention of London. Nick’s face immediately pops up in my head, and I’m brought back down to Earth. She may not have seen him lately, but she’s definitely gonna see him at the ceremony and it reminds me that they’re about to leave for a whole shoot together.

And that I can’t let her go without freeing her from the sense of obligation she’d inevitably have towards me if we were still sort of a couple when we part ways in a few weeks.

“I wish you could fly with me,” she lets out in a breath. “I wish I could bring you with me to the ceremonies. It’s so boring, and stressing, and...”

She takes a long pause.

“And what?”

She sighs and wraps her arms around my neck to bring me closer to her.

“And I wish you could be the one I thank in my speech when I win an award. I wish I could see your smiling face in the crowd, hug you and kiss you before I get on the stage... I’m happy to have my family there with me, but it’s not the same.”

I lean my head on top of hers, reaching for her hand to stroke her skin tenderly.

“Maybe one day,” I reply, knowing very well that it likely won’t happen. At least, not soon.

 

* * *

 

 

I love playing sports, but I’ve never been so disappointed at having to compete in a game.

I miss Jen. I’m kicking myself everyday for letting the chance to spend some more precious time together slip between our fingers. And when she texts me that she’s safely landed in London, I start to imagine her strutting down the streets of the city, thinking about how she loves it so much more there.

And maybe rekindling things with her favorite Brit.

I shake my head lightly as I try to focus on the game. My dad stands next to me in a booth, and he likely notices I’m not feeling well because he turns to me and watches me with an inquisitive gaze.

“What’s wrong, Josh?” he finally asks.

“Nothing,” I reply, not feeling ready to have this conversation, and especially not here. But I know, deep down, that I’m kidding myself. That I do need to talk to somebody about this, somebody who hasn’t been involved in any way in the situation. I know that he’s probably the best person I could ask for advice. And I can’t afford to let the opportunity fly by; I so very seldom get to see him.

He stares at me for a while before turning away to watch the game.

“There’s something bugging you,” he adds with a slight shake of the head. “You can always talk to me, you know.”

“Maybe... not here?” I say.

He nods.

“Let’s have a coffee after the game then.”

 

* * *

 

 

“So,” he asks, taking a sip of his latte. “What’s on your mind?”

I look away while slowly stirring the stick into my mochaccino.

“I’m in love, dad,” I sigh.

He smiles.

“It’s a good thing, no? Unless she doesn’t feel the same way?”

“That’s the thing. It’s so complicated. We went too fast. She wasn’t ready. But we dived in anyway and... and...”

It pains me to admit it.

“And it can’t work. She’s still hung out on her ex, and she’s gonna spend months with him 24/7 soon. She’s been confused and confusing to me since the beginning. I think she really loves me, but I also think she’s still in love with him, despite what she tells me.”

I look down at my cup, bring it to my lips and taste the burning liquid cautiously.

“When I saw her again at the beginning of the shoot, I just wanted to move on,” I add, finally looking up at my father’s attentive expression. “I never expected we’d actually get close enough to have a sort of relationship. I got blinded by that stupid bubble we’re in when we shoot on location... and now, I love her more than ever.”

I pause, blowing lightly on my coffee before taking a careful sip.

“But we’ll be apart soon, and I don’t want her to feel obligated to wait for me, you know?” I explain. “Especially because I’m not sure I’m the one she truly needs in the long run. But I already sense that she does feel like that... and it’s killing me.”

My dad’s face takes on a contemplative look.

“What makes you think she’s still not over her boyfriend?”

I sigh and tell him all about what happened in Hawaii: the texts, the random comments that hinted at her longing for him, the memories she so obviously couldn’t put behind her.

And the fact that she possibly spent the day with him, walking down streets in relative privacy, unharassed by the paps. Something that I could never do with her here, because of our difficult situation in Hollywood’s star system.

“What are you gonna do?”

“It was a mistake to let it go that far,” I reluctantly admit. “I thought I would be able to enjoy the sex and put my feelings aside. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I’m still deep in that shit. But she’s more important than that. I love her too much to force her to wait for me. So I’ll set her free.”

He looks at the table, lets out a deep sigh and nods slightly, before lifting up his serious gaze to meet mine.

“Look, Josh. I’m not gonna tell you what to do. You have to figure it out yourself. But just make sure you think everything through and take everything into account before doing something you could regret. Make sure you’re not making assumptions.”

There’s a hint of regret in his voice, and I wonder why. But if he doesn’t bring up the subject by himself, I’m not gonna ask for information. He’ll tell me himself if he wants to.

But he doesn’t.

 

* * *

 

The week after, we barely get to see each other as she’s attending a multitude of social events, luncheons, and screenings of her movie, getting drunk and exhausted almost every night. I wait for her at home, but she never comes, too busy hanging out with her friends and family after her promotional stunts.

We keep in touch with a few text messages here and there. I don’t question her on her British trip, only tease her for her loss and wonder why her director looked like such a bad sport. She replies that he believed she was robbed but thought she’d have another opportunity with their next movie.

She doesn’t say a word about Nick, and I know he was there that night as Andre saw a tweet reporting their reunion. I don’t care to ask her about it.

It’s not as if I was surprised, anyway. I do want her to fix things with him, so she can enjoy herself on set this summer. But I would lie if I said I’m not hurt by her not trusting me enough to tell me about it.

The night of the Oscars, I’m neither invited to the ceremony nor to any after-party, and so I stay home on the couch with a bag of Doritos and a beer. Andre lies down on the other couch, playing with his phone, Driver sleeping at his feet, and we watch the ceremony together on TV.

She looks gorgeous in her creamy gown. I feel a pang in my chest at the idea that I could have been there with her, walking the red carpet, smiling at the photographer, helping her to avoid tripping on the edge of her dress.

In another life, maybe.

“She’s stunning, man,” Andre says.

“I know. But she must be so uncomfortable in this huge thing. Much like the wedding dress she wore for the film and that I never even saw her wear in person.”

“Yeah...”

All throughout the ceremony, I focus on Jen: chatting with her brothers, sharing jokes with Bradley, smiling at her mom.

At one point, I see her text somebody. I stare at my phone, which is sitting on the coffee table, but it remains obstinately silent.

I’m not gonna bother her on her big night, so I won’t be the first to reach for her. If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number.

When the time for her category finally comes and she’s called on stage to receive the award, I can’t help but jump and shout in excitement. So much that I almost miss her tripping on her way up the stairs. I shake my head with a smile, thinking of all the ways I’ll be able to tease her now.

Andre quickly stands up, high-fiving me.

“How does it feel man, to have an Academy Award winner girlfriend?” he grins.

My smile fades quickly.

“I don’t know. I don’t have an Academy Award winner girlfriend.”

“Come on... don’t tell me you’re still hung up on that bullshit?”

I shrug.

“I was pressuring her into making things official between us. I don’t want her to feel that kind of thing.”

I pause, staring at her director’s overly proud face in the light of her success.

“She’s got enough pressure from other people already. I’m gonna respect her wishes.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I feel like I’m floating on a cloud the whole night of the Oscars. I enjoy this special time I get to spend with my family, and the cherry on the cake is actually fulfilling a life-long dream of walking up these stairs – the falling down obviously not being part of the dream, though – to pick up the famous statuette.

I’m so nervous that I forget to thank some of the people hugely responsible for my win, and I beat myself for it in the press room after.

But what stings the most is not having Josh in the room with me, and most of all, not even receiving a single congratulatory message from him.

Maybe he’s waiting to see me tomorrow on the plane for Hawaii. I take my phone out of my clutch multiple times throughout the night, starting to type out a message to him, but I never have the courage to send it out. I don’t want him to feel bad because he isn’t here tonight. I know he’s still struggling with his belief of being an inferior actor, although I sense he’s slowly realizing that it’s just a matter of time before he truly breaks through.

Maybe I should tell him more often how talented I think he is. And that he’ll probably come with me at these awards and parties much sooner than he believes.

I only stay long enough at the after-party to mingle a little bit with the elite of Hollywood, racking up the congratulations, smiles and hugs, trying to forget how lonely I feel despite my family’s presence beside me. My mom, always the observant one, quickly realizes how exhausted I am and offers me to leave.

I don’t need to get told twice.

In the car on my way home, I toy with the idea of asking Josh to let me in for the night, but in the end, I decide against it. He’s probably already in bed by now, as our flight is leaving early tomorrow, and I will need some time to finish packing my luggage anyway. It’s better that I spend this time at home.

If I was at Josh’s, I know what would happen. I wouldn’t want to leave in the morning and we’d actually miss our flight.

My mom holds my Oscar as I try hard not to fall asleep next to her. She stares at it in awe, before turning to face me.

“Where are you gonna put it?” she asks.

“I don’t know. Probably with the other ones sitting on the coffee table in the living room, I guess. But it’s getting kinda crowded...”

“Jen! It’s an Oscar! You can’t leave it lying around like that...”

“Why not?”

She looks thoughtful.

“Would you mind if we brought it with us back to Kentucky?”

“No, of course not. But not right now. I want to bring it with me in Hawaii,” I say with a smile, as I imagine the faces of my colleagues when they’ll see it.

“Okay. Just make sure you don’t lose it.”

I roll my eyes and look outside at the Californian scenery lining the road. The night feels oddly quiet, a deep contrast to the noisy atmosphere I just experienced during the ceremony and after-party. I’m reveling in the calm after the storm, trying to get my feelings back to normal, calming my racing heart from the rollercoaster of emotions I just went through.

I miss Josh so badly in this moment. I know with a single look, a light touch, a reassuring word whispered in my ear, he’d make me at ease instantly.

I take my phone out of my clutch once again and stare at the picture that’s been my lock screen ever since I left Hawaii. It’s one of me jumping on Josh’s back at a party at his house. His smile is mischievous and makes me feel tingles in my lower body. I sigh and close my eyes, picturing his lovely smile. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow.

“What are you thinking about?” my mom asks, grabbing my hand.

I open my eyes slowly and look at her, a small smile appearing on my face.

“How I’m excited to go back to Hawaii tomorrow.”

She shakes her head with a smile of her own.

“Are you sure you’re not more looking forward to seeing Josh again?”

I look down sheepishly. I haven’t had the occasion to really talk about my relationship with Josh with my parents.

“I think I’m in love with him.” I pause. “No, I know I’m in love with him.”

Her grin gets wider.

“You remind me of your dad and me when we started dating,” she says with a dreamy look. “We connected so quickly. And he always made me laugh so much. I’ve seen the way you look at him with stars in your eyes. The way you get all giddy when you speak to him. And don’t think I didn’t notice you playing with your phone, staring at his picture all night long.”

I sigh.

“I wish we could date like a normal couple. With Nick, it was easy, cause he’s not that famous, and he’s not my main co-star in a movie I lead. With Josh, it’s another thing completely. He has a huge fanbase, and we can’t go out on a date together or else it’ll be in the rags and I definitely don’t want that.”

“You know that at one point, you’ll have to let it go.”

“I know. But I can’t do it now. I love him so much, mom... I can’t do that to him.”

She frowns.

“Do what?”

“Condemn him to be known as Jennifer Lawrence’s boyfriend.”

I pause, imagining for a moment what would happen if our relationship ever got public. We’d have even more paps following us everywhere. The rags would make up stories about us.

And Josh wouldn’t ever be able to talk about a project of his own to the press without having to answer a bunch of irrelevant questions about me.

It would become all about me. And I definitely don’t want that for him.

“I want him to have a chance at making a name for himself,” I explain. “He’s so talented, and I’m so proud of him... I don’t want him to get stuck in my shadow.”

She slides an arm around my shoulders and pulls me to her.

“Oh, Jen... I wish it was different. But at the same time I’m proud that you’re thinking ahead, especially anticipating the consequences that your relationship could have on him.”

“I don’t know how we’ll make it. But we have to do it.”

I look straight into my mom’s understanding gaze.

“I can’t picture my life without him in it anymore, mom.”

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, I quickly gulp down a cup of coffee in the car on my way to the airport. I’ve already said goodbye to my mom and brothers at home, and my dad is driving me to the terminal. As I fight the urge to nap – I haven’t really slept last night, still too excited about my experience at the Oscars and giddy to leave for Hawaii with Josh – my dad gives me quick glances and smiles.

“You’re more talkative than that usually, Jen. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m just so tired. Gonna sleep the whole time on the plane I think.”

He nods.

“I’m really proud of you,” he says, his face lighting up with a huge grin. “I think I don’t tell you that often enough.”

“Thank you dad. It means a lot to me. But you don’t need to tell me that. I know it.”

My dad is obviously a man of few words. I get most of my natural energy from my mom. But he does, sometimes, let out a chatty side of himself that’s reminiscing of my own.

He’s just not really into emotional things. And I’m glad for it, as I’ve gone through enough emotions recently to last for a good while. I can’t deal with any more stress and anxiety. Which is why I’m glad that award season is finally over and I can go back to what I enjoy the most: filming a movie.

Actually, filming a movie, with Josh, in Hawaii. Nothing can top that.

When we reach the airport, my dad spots my bodyguard, waiting for me along with Justine. He parks the car in front of them and gets out to help us unload my suitcase and backpack from the trunk. When everything is out of the car, I turn towards him and he opens up his arms to me. I walk into them, enjoying his tight hug fully.

“Have a good week, sweetie. I’ll try to talk your mom into leaving you alone for the week. I think you’ll be glad to enjoy some privacy, for once.”

I giggle, thinking about the many times my mom called me for various reasons, some serious – like knowing if I made it home safely after completing a night shoot – and some more silly – like learning how to use the Internet to find out who called her when she’s got the number in front of her. I don’t understand why she’d think I’m more knowledgeable than her with technology when I can barely type a word in Google search.

As my dad pulls away, staring at my eyes with all the pride a father can take in his daughter’s accomplishments, I nod and finally turn towards my bodyguard and best friend.

“Let’s go? The quicker we go through the check-ins, the quicker I can sleep on that fucking plane.”

 

* * *

 

 

I’ve barely fallen asleep when I’m woken up by wet lips trailing along the side of my neck, up to my ear.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he whispers.

My eyes flutter open slowly, and I turn to face him, drowning in his proud smile as he takes a seat next to me on the plane. He buckles his seatbelt and covers my hand with his.

“Were you actually sleeping?”

I fake a frown.

“Yeah. I had just fallen asleep. Thank you so much, Josh.”

“Sorry...”

I turn away to hide my grin, but I quickly sense his heavy gaze on me, and I can’t stand it anymore. I turn towards him again and let out a fairly loud laugh.

“Shhh, not too loud, we’re not alone.”

“No, I know that-“

“My mom is on the plane.”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“You brought your mom?” I ask, barely hiding my horror at the thought of being cockblocked by his mom. I look away so he can’t make out the disappointed look on my face.

“Hey, she won’t be staying the whole time. Yeah, she wanted to make the trip so I said why not, you know? The last time she stayed at my place, but now that we’re in a hotel, she’ll have her own room. And you know what?”

He cups my face to force me to look at him.

“She’ll have a two-room suite. Andre is gonna stay with her. So you know what that means?”

“That we’ll have your room just for ourselves?”

He nods.

“Yeah. Thanks to her we’ll have my room all by ourselves. I figured you must be sharing yours with Justine, so it was the best solution to have some privacy at the hotel. It’s a win-win situation, really.”

I finally smile at his thoughtfulness. I expect him to say something about last night, but he doesn’t. Instead, his own smile fades a little, and he stares at me with a heavily loaded gaze.

“What?” I ask.

He shakes his head.

“Nothing. You look exhausted. Let’s sleep a little bit.”

I look at him for a moment, trying to figure out what he’s really thinking, before giving in to my fatigue and leaning my head on his shoulder, yawning.

This time, I barely wake up for takeoff and quickly get back to sleep, enjoying the solidness of Josh’s body and his reassuring hand covering mine.

 

* * *

 

 

As Justine and I unpack our luggage into my hotel room, we’re interrupted by a knocking on the door. I walk to the end of the room and open the door, expecting to see anyone but the petite lady with a blonde pixie haircut who’s standing in front of me with a nervous smile.

“Michelle,” I say, forcing a smile. “What can I do for you?”

“May I talk to you for a minute?”

I turn around and see that Justine is studying the both of us intently.

“Sure,” I say.

“I’ll... go fetch some ice,” Justine says, grabbing the container and walking past Josh’s mom, giving her a little shy nod.

I let her in and quickly close the door behind her.

“Do you want something to drink? I was just about to open a bottle of red wine.”

“Sure, why not?”

I walk to the desk where I’ve let the bottle sit, take it and remove the cork before pouring us each a glass. I hand her one and sit at the round table next to the balcony.

“So?” I finally ask, taking a small sip of wine.

“Well, first of all, I wanted to congratulate you for your Oscar. We’re all really proud of you.”

“Thanks,” I say, my smile finally becoming genuine.

And then I realize that Josh’s mom congratulated me, but Josh himself didn’t say a word. It’s odd.

“I just wanted to apologize for what happened last time.”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“What last time? I don’t understand.”

“You don’t remember? That time you went kayaking with Josh and came back so upset because I totally forgot to order your pizza?”

“Oh, this!” I exclaim, before letting out a huge laugh.

I recall the way I entered Josh’s rental house that day, claiming loudly that I was starving and looking forward to the sight of the delicious pizza I had imagined all throughout my trip back from the island. Obviously, when we had reached the kitchen and found out that Michelle had totally forgot to order it and it would take an extra 45 minutes to get it home, I had lashed out at her.

“I should be the one apologizing,” I admit, looking down sheepishly. “Everyone can make mistakes. I’m the first to forget everything. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she says with a relieved smile. “So we’re good?”

“Of course, we’re good!”

I wouldn’t be able to stay mad at her even if I wanted to. She’s so sweet, and Josh loves her to death.

“Don’t think I don’t know why you wanted to make the trip there.”

I hope she’ll think my blush is due to the wine, which I quickly gulp to hide my unease with the implications of her statement.

“Well...”

“It’s alright. I can understand being uncomfortable having sex while your parents are sleeping in the next room.”

I can’t hide a smile, which she returns enthusiastically. I have never talked to her about my relationship with her son. I don’t know what Josh has told her, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t give her the details of our escapade to that island, in which jungle we found a private spot where we could finally give in to that craving for one another that we couldn’t indulge prior to that because of her embarrassing presence in Josh’s house.

“It was a nice day,” I answer simply, smiling at the memory of my naked skin getting buried in the sand, the palm trees hanging over us like a canopy, Josh’s stocky body covering me as we made love in the open, forgetting for a while where we were and what risks we were taking. It was so good for once to indulge in careless behavior. I had felt so free, so happy, so blessed.

And Josh had given me one of my most memorable orgasms.

No, I would never forget that day, but not for the reasons she thinks.

I look at her again, and find her biting her lower lip, as if she was hesitating to tell me something.

“Look, Jennifer,” she starts, and my heart picks up speed at the serious tone she uses. “I don’t know what Josh wants to do. I trust him to do the right thing or ask for advice whenever he needs it. I just want you to know that wherever you decide to take your relationship, Josh’s dad and I will support you.”

I nod in response.

“Thank you.”

She smiles.

“I see the way you look at him,” she adds in a soft voice. “And I see the way he looks at you. It’s obvious that you two love each other deeply. And we’re honored to consider you part of our family, no matter what happens. But I know, with Hollywood being what it is, that it won’t be easy for you two to have a normal life. I just want you to know that we’ll do whatever it takes so you can enjoy a relationship as close to normal as possible.”

“That’s why you insisted on making the trip?”

“Who would say no to a trip to Hawaii?” she laughs. “Seriously, yes, that’s part of the reason. You’re here to work of course, but I also want Josh to enjoy his last few days here.”

She looks like she wants to add something, but there’s a long pause before she keeps on talking.

“He’s a bit upset at the idea of wrapping up this movie, I think,” she admits, drinking the last of her wine in one long gulp. “I can guess why.”

“He’s not the only one.”

“I’m not gonna tell you what to do, Jen... but if I were you, I’d take every occasion to spend time with him before you leave for your own projects after that. You don’t know how long it’ll take before you’ll get to see each other again.”

I let that sink for a moment, before replying in a strong voice.

“I will.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Josh’s POV**

It feels good to be back under the Hawaiian sun. I thought it would be hard, knowing that my life is about to take a sharp turn, but it’s not the case. These last few weeks mostly away from Jen, distracting myself over other things, connecting with my family once again, have been a breath of fresh air.

I’m here to work, I’m here to have fun, and I intend to take advantage of it to the fullest.

I’m not even thinking about what’s gonna happen when we go back home after the re-shoots are over. I’m trying to free myself from anything negative, avoid any worry, enjoy myself as much as I can.

And it starts tonight.

Woody gave me a wrap-up gift of his own – a sample of his best weed – and I’ve decided to share it with a few friends over at my hotel room. As I light the joint on the balcony, take a puff and hand it to Andre, Ralf meets us and lightly taps my shoulder.

“Hey, what’s up? We’ve barely talked since we left Hawaii the first time. I should have told you back then, but thanks for the vacation, man. I wonder why they keep hiring me, you’re doing all your stunts yourself!”

I chuckle.

“Well, not all of them,” I smile, snatching the joint back from Andre and passing it to Ralf after taking a long puff. “There was no way I could attempt that rolling down the hill in the fog scene. Professionals only!”

He shakes his head and leans against the banister before giving me back the joint. I stare at the ocean for a while, deeply lost in my thoughts. For some reason, despite all my efforts to fight it, I can’t help but contemplate what’s gonna happen when we fly back to the continent. I know we’re only here for a little over a week, and the fact that I’ll be spending this time in a regular hotel suite rather than a spacious house on the beach is a strong reminder of the brevity of our stay here.

But I don’t care.

“Wanna go surfing later?” Ralf finally asks, peeking at me from the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, sure,” I reply, inhaling the last of the joint. I love surfing, and I still need some practice to be ready for my next movie.

And maybe it’ll take my attention away from Jen, for once.

Ralf nods and leaves for his own room to get ready. Andre walks up to me, looking like he has something to say, but he surprisingly stays silent for a while.

“Are you still going through with your silly plan?” he finally asks.

I stare at him in bewilderment.

“Silly plan? Are you serious? You, of all people, who always side-eyed what I was doing with her?”

He shakes his head and looks away. I really don’t understand him anymore.

“You still think she has feelings for her ex? You still think she’s above you? You still think she’d be better off without you?”

I shrug, looking down to avoid catching a glimpse of his face. I can guess the disapproval in his eyes, but as intimate as his knowledge of my relationship with Jen is, he has no idea what’s truly happening. He doesn’t know firsthand how she gets stars in her eyes when she speaks about him. He never saw her guilty expression when I caught her texting him. He doesn’t care about the pressure she has on her shoulders to keep a perfect image at all times, an image in which I don’t fit.

“Maybe.”

I finally chance a glance at him. The disappointment I read in his face speaks volumes.

“She’ll be crushed.”

“Oh, she’ll survive. She’s strong enough to make it on her own. She thinks she needs me now, but she really doesn’t.”

“Josh... have you ever thought that maybe she was strong because she had you by her side?”

As a matter of fact, it hadn’t ever crossed my mind. I look away and sigh.

“I just want to do what’s best for her,” I say in a low voice. “I owe her that.”

“Then don’t let the mistakes you made in the past ruin what you could have in the future.”

 

* * *

 

 

As I walk towards the beach, my surfboard resting on the top of my head and Ralf strolling alongside me, I begin to notice the relaxing effect of the weed overtaking me. I smile, focusing on the shining reflection of the sun on the barely moving waves.

“You’re way less talkative than usual,” Ralf remarks.

“There’s nothing to say,” I reply, turning to take a look at his face. “I’m enjoying myself, living in the present, everything’s perfect.”

“That’s not you though.”

I shrug.

“I’ve had enough drama in the past few months to last for a while,” I answer. “I want to live those next few days completely drama-free. And I figured it starts with my own attitude.”

I don’t give him the opportunity to question me any longer, as I run to the water, drop my surfboard in it and swim a little further into the ocean. I lean on my board and start to daydream, imagining what my perfect life would be. Working with Jen again on interesting movies, with amazing cast and crew. Sharing a house with her in Hollywood and flying to Kentucky with her regularly to see our families. Making a bunch of babies to fill the house with laughter, joy, and pride.

Maybe one day.

“Hey, Josh!” Ralf shouts, swimming up to me. “If you wanted to lie on your board all day, we could have gone for a swim in the pool instead!”

I chuckle and work to climb on the board. He winks at me, and I hope he won’t push the matter further. I don’t want to start thinking about what’s coming next.

I’m already struggling too much with distracting my mind from thinking about her as it is.

Instead, I ask him about his wife, his next projects, his family. He looks happy to tell me all his stories, and I’m equally as happy to listen to him as it finally takes my mind away from thinking about Jennifer.

Otherwise, I’d still be imagining her lounging on her balcony, her long legs stretched out in front of her, her eyes closed while she lets her luscious curves bathe in the sun.

I can’t wait to see her tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

I don’t stay in the water for too long. Ralf quickly notices how bored I am, and so when he suggests that we go back to the hotel, I’m first to reach the shore. I walk back to the car in silence, and I stay quiet the whole ride back. When we finally make it to the hotel, I wave goodbye to Ralf and promptly disappear into the first elevator on my way. Luckily for me, I’m alone.

When I walk in my hotel room, I find Andre waiting for me.

“Hey,” I say, grabbing my phone on the desk to text Jen. “What are your plans for tonight?”

“You mean, ‘are you gonna leave the fuck out of this place?’” he grins.

I roll my eyes.

“Seriously,” I say, scrolling down my list of contacts to find Jen’s number. “We’re here for a week. I can hang out with you if you have nothing better to do. I’m not that shitty of a friend, you know.”

“And I like you enough to know that you’re dying to spend every possible minute out of this week with her. And you know what?”

I stare at him impassibly.

“As much as I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to hook up with her in the first place, I’m starting to think it might not have been such a bad decision after all,” he lets out, grabbing a bag on his way to the door. “And if I can help you see that, I’ll very gladly do it.”

“Andre...”

“I’m having dinner with the guys. I know she’s been hanging out with Justine on her balcony while you were out surfing. Maybe if you’re lucky she hasn’t got anything planned yet for the evening.”

I nod. He leaves without another word, and I put my attention back on texting her.

JOSH: Hey honey, what are you doing tonight?

I pace the room while I wait for an answer. She’s quick to reply.

JENNIFER: Nothing so far. Been chilling with Ju since we arrived. Had a nice talk with your mom, btw.

I frown. I didn’t know my mom had any intention of talking to her today. I shrug and type back my reply.

JOSH: Meet me in my room? Please?

I wait for a reply, but it never comes. Instead, I get my answer when I hear a knock on the door as I’m gulping down a can of Diet Pepsi next to my balcony. I toss the can on the table and make my way to the door, where I’m greeted by a smiling, kinda wasted Jen. She doesn’t say a word, striding past me all the way to the huge windows next to the balcony, and she hastily closes the curtains.

“Well, you’re quick with business,” I say, walking to her.

“I have a bad feeling,” she confesses, turning to me and wrapping her arms around my neck. “It’s too... open, the view is too beautiful.”

“You’ve seen paps?”

“No. But just in case.”

I nod, and she lightly presses her lips against mine. God, how I’ve missed those lips in the last couple of weeks, ever since I last saw her after the SAG awards.

I don’t know how I’ll make it when we’ll part ways after the shoot.

But instead of lingering on my thoughts, I focus on the sensations she’s giving me as her tongue slowly traces the outline of my mouth, inviting me to let her explore it freely. I quickly comply, and the hushed moan she lets out makes me weak for a second. Her hands slide down my spine, making a bolt of electricity go through my whole body. I let my own fingers slide around her waist and travel along her stomach, up to her breasts, until I can cup her face gently, deepening the kiss until she pulls away slowly and presses her forehead against mine. The tension between us is getting heavier by the second.

“I couldn’t wait to be alone with you,” she whispers, lightly brushing her lips on mine. I swallow thickly in anticipation. “Why did you have to go surfing right away?”

“It was too tempting,” I reply, tenderly caressing her cheeks with my thumbs. “We’ll be so busy this coming week, and the weather was perfect, for once. But Andre told me you had some fun of your own?”

She pulls away a little and smiles at me.

“I did. Had a nice bottle of red and Woody’s gift to enjoy.”

I chuckle.

“Great minds think alike. It was good stuff.”

“Very good stuff,” she murmurs, wasting no time in attacking my lips once again. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her with me to the large bed sitting in the middle of the room. In one swift movement, she takes my tank top off, and I quickly slide my hands under her own shirt to help her pull it over her head. As we stand in front of each other, almost totally naked, I sigh.

“You’re so beautiful,” I whisper, my mouth quickly latching on her skin as if it was second nature.

As I’m tracing the line of her collarbone with a series of soft kisses, she pushes me down on the bed, before stretching her leg over my body to climb on top of me. I stare at her in amazement, enjoying her taking the lead.

I wish I could tell her how much I love that, how much I crave her, how much I love her.

But it’s time to start detaching myself from her. Going back to what it was supposed to be, when we rushed into a sexual relationship before the timing was right. Before I let my feelings overcome me and trap her into something she wasn’t ready for.

Before I unknowingly pressured her into loving me back, too early.

I try to concentrate on the rush of pleasure her skilful mouth triggers in my whole body as she trails kisses down my chest, rubbing her center on my erection through our shorts, the tip of her breasts gently brushing against my skin. I run a hand through her soft hair distractedly, and when she gets closer to the waistband of my swimsuit, I let out a quiet whimper. I can’t help but stare at her lovely features as she gives me a mischievous smile, and in one quick movement, she’s pulled down my still-damp shorts and finally freed my length. I sigh, and wait for her to relieve me by pushing it down her throat, but instead, she decides to tease me, slowly licking along the underside of it.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, you know,” I let out in a low voice, and she chuckles.

“That’s kinda my goal,” she replies, finally putting all her attention on the head, which she sucks gently.

“Oh my...”

She answers with a moan that vibrates over the sensitive skin of my cock and drives me crazy. If I don’t focus, she’s gonna make me come too quick.

But I enjoy her skills too much to stop her now. I close my eyes so I can forget that she’s the one currently giving me head.

I need to forget.

But it doesn’t work.

Even with my eyes closed, I can’t take the image of her deep blue eyes away, can’t erase the vision of her naked body in front of me, can’t push away the sight of her long dark brown hair framing her beautiful face.

“Josh?”

I open my eyes to find that Jen is holding my cock in her hand, but has lifted her head to stare at me with a concerned look.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

“Yes. Why?”

“Nothing. You just looked upset.”

“How could I be upset when you’re with me?” I say on a nervous tone, grabbing her by the arms to pull her up to me. She crawls on top of me until her face is hovering inches from mine and she starts caressing the side of my face, gently pushing away the strands of newly-dyed blonde hair from my forehead.

She studies my face intently, unconvinced. I lift my head off the pillow to meet her lips and roll us over on the bed so that I’m the one hovering above her now.

“You’re upset because you’re leaving soon,” she remarks.

I sigh. I really don’t want this to end in the same way that it did the last time we tried to have sex in Hawaii.

“Let’s just enjoy ourselves okay? Like it should be. We’re here to work, but we’re also here to have fun. Let’s just have fun.”

She still stares at me strangely, as if she was trying to figure out something, before lightly shaking her head up and down.

“Okay.”

I manage to put on a small smile that she quickly returns, and I go back to focusing on pleasuring her body the best way I can, leaving kisses all over her skin, caressing every inch of her being, listening to all the sounds she makes as if it was music to my ears.

And this time, it seems to work. I’m not even tempted to let out any emotional hints. This is just pure physical pleasure.

As I slowly enter her, I study her face and take in the beaming smile that reaches her eyes. She’s content. She looks happy. She doesn’t say anymore emotional nonsense either.

Just like it should always have been. Maybe it won’t be that hard to let her go, in the end.

I know I’m kidding myself, but for the moment, with my cock buried deep within her, her scent overwhelming my senses, her warmth surrounding me, her eyes gazing at me with lust, I’m in another world.

When I begin thrusting into her, she tightens her hold on my body and sighs. Her eyes are still focused on my face, making me feel even more aroused than before. After a while, I can’t stand to imagine what her look might turn into, and so I lean down and plant more kisses down her throat. I only feel her hands running all over the expanse of my back, and her muscles tightening around my cock as the pleasure builds for the both of us.

“Oh God... Josh...”

I only answer by pushing into her faster, more frantically, desperately looking for a release before she can remind me of the delicate position we’re in.

“Come for me, honey,” I beg her, lifting my body somewhat so she can slide a finger between us and caress her clit. She looks close, and before long, she’s moaning loudly in response to her orgasm. As soon as I feel her muscles clench my dick, I close my eyes to let the images I was pushing away earlier invade me, and I begin to feel the familiar sensation that tells me I’m about to come. I groan, start to thrust erratically, and finally collapse on top of her as the waves of pleasure wash over me and I empty myself inside her. She cups my neck and runs her hand in my hair, letting her lips brush every inch of skin she can reach.

With a sigh, I roll down her body and lie on my back next to her, eyes still closed, trying to get my breathing back to normal. She immediately cuddles against me in our usual embrace, and I don’t even think before wrapping my arm around her.

I’ll have to get used to this gesture meaning nothing more than deep friendship and affection.

“Can I stay for the night?” she asks, tracing random patterns on my naked chest.

I laugh quietly.

“Of course. But don’t you wanna eat first?”

“I would never say no to food!”

I wink at her and get up to put my robe on and grab the room service menu. I’ll be forever glad that she gave me an excuse not to linger in her arms for too long, as I can already feel my resolve falter.

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Josh! Come here! Wanna see something hilarious?”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion and look around me for the origin of the low voice I just heard. I’m still in the parking, on my way to my trailer for our first day of re-shoots, when I see Jeffrey leaning against one of the cars, holding a blue box in his hands. I walk to him, still as puzzled as ever.

“What is it?”

“A gift for your lady, for her Oscar win,” he giggles. “Believe me, you won’t wanna miss her reaction.”

I look closer at the box and take in the distinctive writing on the cover.

“You bought her jewelry from Tiffany’s?” I ask, shocked. “Wow, I think I didn’t even congratulate her!”

“You’re a poor excuse of a boyfriend, you know,” he says with a teasing smile.

I look down. He has no idea how close to home he’s hitting with this one. But I brush it off as if it was nothing, and quickly resume my walk with him trailing behind me.

“She didn’t make it with you?” he adds, still grinning like an idiot. “I thought you guys had spent the night together...”

“No, she had to be on set earlier than us, so I slept a little longer. She should be in our trailer already.”

When we reach the area where the trailers are all parked next to one another, I spot Andre waiting for me down by the stairs to one of them.

“Hey!” he says. “I was about to call you.”

“I was just chatting with Jeffrey. He’s got some Tiff-“

“Shhh,” he interrupts me, putting a hand on my mouth. “Is she in there?”

“Wait a minute.”

I climb up the stairs and knock at the door.

“Jen, it’s me, can I come in?”

“Sure,” she replies, and I make a sign to Jeffrey so he knows I’ll be back. I walk inside the trailer and find Jen slowly sipping on her coffee while reading a book.

“Jeffrey is just outside, he’s got something for you.”

“Ohhhhh, a gift for me?” she says with an excited smile that I can’t help but return.

“Come,” I say, and she follows me out of the trailer.

“Hey Jen! Congrats on the Oscar!” Jeffrey exclaims, handing her the blue box as she walks down the stairs.

“Oh thank you! You shouldn’t have... Tiffany’s?” Her eyes get as wide as saucers. “Oh my God, you definitely shouldn’t have!”

“Nothing is too much for our favorite Oscar winner,” he says with a wink. I’m really puzzled as to what’s going on, why he bought that, but I figure he’s just that nice.

Jen grabs the box from his hands.

“I’m gonna open it in my trailer. Thank you,” she says, kissing him on both cheeks in gratitude.

I share one last baffled look with Jeffrey, before following Jen inside the trailer.

“What is it?” I ask.

“That’s so sweet, I can’t believe it,” she replies, before opening the box.

Her scream could probably be heard as far back as the hotel.

Because as soon as she opens the little blue box, hundreds of crickets jump out of it, quickly invading every space of our shared trailer. She runs backwards in fear until her back finds my chest, and I take her shaking form in my arms to try and calm her.

“You knew it!” she shouts, pulling away and turning around as soon as she’s gone back to her senses.

“No, I swear I didn’t!”

She dashes out of the trailer and rushes down the stairs to find Jeffrey laughing so hard he has trouble breathing. I can’t help but laugh a little as well, especially when she starts yelling at him that he’s gonna pay for it and that the statuette is heavy enough to make for an effective blunt object.

And she’s got it here with her.

After a while, she calms down a little, and I chance a tentative embrace, sliding an arm around her waist and pulling her close to me.

“Hey,” I say in a soft voice, lifting her chin up with my fingers so she has to look me in the eyes. “I’ll clean the trailer, okay? No worries.”

She nods and rests her head on my shoulder.

“It was a good prank, I admit it,” she finally says. “But my heart stopped when those... things jumped out at my face. I swear!”

“I know,” I say, cradling her head. “That will make some good story to tell a hundred times over on the press tour, right?”

She can’t help but let out a small laugh.

“I guess so.”

“And really...” I add, leaning my face against the top of her head. “We’re all so proud of you. I know I haven’t told you yet...”

She lifts her head up from my shoulder to watch me intently. I smile and cup her face with my free hand, running my thumb gently on her plump cheek.

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you hun.”  


* * *

 

 

At the end of the day, right before leaving the set to go back to the hotel, my mom calls me to invite me to eat with her. I’m surprised, but she sounds so serious, almost upset, that I can’t refuse.

Especially when I see Andre react to the call by staring at me with a sorry face and pretending another planned dinner with the guys.

I find my mom in the hotel lobby and we walk together to the restaurant. On our way to the table, she remains silent, which is very unlike her usual chatty self. When she sits in front of me, trying too hard to put her full attention immediately on the menu, I can’t help but notice her sad face.

“Mom... what’s wrong?” I ask in a soft, serious tone.

“I’ll tell you, just... let’s order first, okay?” she replies in a shaky voice.

I nod, while dread slowly starts to assail me. A few minutes later, the waiter stops by our table to take our order. As soon as he’s gone, taking the menu cards along with him, I rest my hands on the table, sigh and observe my mom until she finally speaks what’s on her mind.

“Josh... darling...” she says in a low voice filled with sadness. “There’s another reason I had to make the trip here with you. I figure you’ve been kept in the dark for too long about this already. Things are about to change, and you have to know now.”

I frown.

“What do I have to know?”

She takes a deep breath, and anxiety suddenly makes my stomach churn.

“Your father and I are having a divorce, Josh.”

For a moment, I’m breathless. I never expected that. I look down at my trembling fingers and try to hold back the tears that are quickly pooling at the corner of my eyes.

I knew my parents weren’t as close as they used to be, but I never imagined them going so far as to have a divorce.

After a long, uncomfortable silence, I look up and find my mom trying to offer me her best reassuring smile.

“This is for the best, Josh. Your dad and I need to move on. It’s been a long time coming.”

I slowly nod. I guess it is. But it doesn’t help the fact that it blows. I enjoyed being part of a close-knit family, despite the reality of our respective lives making it so hard to find time to reunite physically, just the four of us together. I only have fond memories of the times I could spend with them.

Now, it won’t ever happen again.

And as self-absorbed as I’ve been in the past months, I can’t help but let that admission resonate with what I’ve been living with Jennifer. Do I want to take that risk with her? If my parents, who were in love for so long and whom I always thought would be together forever, can’t make it last, how could I? Do I want to subject her to that kind of heartbreak? Especially when I know that her heart might be elsewhere?

I had always hoped for a serious relationship with her. Wished I could make her mine, and fulfill that dream of having my own family and living old with her by my side. And despite the fact that she always said we were just having fun, it’s obvious that we were, in fact, getting closer to starting down that path.

Perhaps I should give up on that dream. With the way my career is shaping up, it would be bound for disaster. So maybe I’d be better off going after pointless relationships that never lead to marriage and children. That way, I would avoid the heartbreak when either one of us realizes that my absences are too hard to bear, and I wouldn’t bring that pain upon innocent children like my mom is doing right now.

“Thanks for telling me,” I finally reply, suddenly remembering that I’m not alone to deal with this. “I would lie if I said I’m not upset-“

“Oh, Josh, you’re allowed to be upset,” she interrupts me. “Angry, even. And we really should have told you before. But you were busy working, we didn’t want to put you off your work. But now that you’re about to leave on another project, and the divorce is gonna be final soon, there was no better time to tell you.”

She pauses.

“I’m truly sorry, Josh,” she adds, grabbing my hand and rubbing her fingers on top of it. “Know that Chris and I will still remain good friends. And of course, you’re old enough to know that this has nothing to do with either Connor or you.”

I stare at her eyes, and suddenly, the past ten years of my life start playing in my mind. All the time I spent living alone with my mom in that tiny apartment in Hollywood when I just started my career as a child actor. The holidays, which were about the only occasions we could spend with the whole family together. The few times a year my dad would be able to get time off work to visit me in LA.

It never dawned on me that in all this time, they had grown apart.

And it hits me that it was likely in huge part because of my own career.

Because of my selfish childhood dream.

Now, I can’t help picture myself with Jen in a few years, sharing a luxury house in LA where we hardly get to spend time anyway, working on different projects in different places, almost never having time to see each other.

And somehow, I imagine two little kids, having to grow up barely ever witnessing their parents together.

Until one day, one of the parents comes out and announces that they’ve called it quits.

I’ll never marry an actress.

 

* * *

 

 

**Jennifer’s POV**

I wish I could have dinner with Josh, but I’m told by Andre that his mom needs to speak to him about something serious and that I should wait until the next night. So instead, I settle for a simple room service meal with Justine in my room.

I’m headed for a quiet night, until my phone rings unexpectedly near the end of the meal. I pick it up and walk to the balcony for some privacy.

“Hello?”

“Jennifer? It’s me, Liz.”

I frown.

“Yes...?”

I hear a deep sigh before her answer.

“The paps figured out which hotel you were staying at yesterday. I’m sorry.”

It takes a few seconds before I realize what she’s implying.

“What? They didn’t catch me with Josh, right?” I ask in panic, pacing the balcony back and forth as I’m trying to remember if I closed the curtains in his bedroom when we had sex together last night. I was so wasted, I don’t remember much of what happened yesterday, except how good it felt to find myself writhing underneath Josh’s body again.

“No, they didn’t. But they caught you having wine and...”

As I sense her hesitation, the events of last night suddenly come rushing back. Justine and I on the balcony. The bottle of red I brought back from the room. The two glasses clinking in my hands.

The joint between my fingers.

“The bastards,” I mutter. “They got a shot of me smoking?”

“They did. I’m sorry.”

“FUCK!” I yell. “How the hell did they find out where we were staying? It’s not the only hotel in Hawaii for fuck’s sake, why did they... oh fuck... oh my God.”

I lean on the banister and hide my face with my hand, already imagining all the backlash I’m gonna have to face for that. Just for a little joint. Just for wanting to blow off some steam after an extremely stressful awards season.

Can I be human, sometimes? Can I relax, too?

I’m so tired of this pressure to keep this perfect image of myself at all times. It’s crushing me.

“Jennifer,” Liz starts as I begin sobbing loudly. “It’s not that bad so far. The pictures have been published on a few websites, but they kept the criticism to a minimum.”

I let out a brief sigh of relief.

“Thank God.”

“You’ll be okay, Jen. I just wanted you to know. Because you might hear about it when you come back home. But we’ll handle it, don’t worry.”

“Okay.”

But then, I remember Josh’s words from yesterday. “ _Great minds think alike._ ”

“Liz?” I ask, lightly tapping the banister nervously with my fingers. “They didn’t catch Josh doing the same, right?”

“Well...”

“Liz?”

She sighs.

“They did.”

“Oh no. No, no, no!”

“Jen, it’s okay. Angie is handling it. He’ll be fine too. If anything, it went even more unnoticed than your case in the media. But now that you know...”

“Yeah,” I reply with a sigh. “From now on, I declare the balcony a banned area.”

I walk back into the room, disappointed, and close the curtains for good. Liz tells me that she’ll call back if there are any new developments – whether it be about the pictures of me or those of Josh. After I hang up, I crash on the couch and bring my knees to my chin, fighting hard to keep more tears from pouring out of my eyes.

“Hey,” Justine says, walking up to me and kneeling in front of me. “What happened?”

“Those damn paps,” I hiss. “They caught us smoking last night. Both Josh and I.”

“Together?”

“No. But it’s almost as bad. I’m so over all this shit, Ju... I want them to leave me the fuck alone, just for one week. Is it possible to live my life in peace for just one fucking week?”

I cover my eyes with my hands, and finally allow the tears to come pouring freely.

“Oh, Jen...” Justine says, rubbing her hand on my arm. “Hold on.”

She stands back up and grabs her phone on the table, before heading for the door. I slowly take my hands away from my face and watch her in confusion until she’s out of sight, then I close my eyes and focus on taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

I’m almost asleep when I feel the gentle caress of familiar fingers running down my cheek. I open my eyes slowly and take in Josh’s concerned face hovering close to mine.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty, I was told you were upset about something?”

Memories of the call come crashing down on me and I hide my face in my hands in shame once again. Josh sits next to me on the couch and wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his solid chest.

“It’s so hard, Josh...” I whisper. “I’m gonna go crazy, you know? Being followed everywhere, always having to think like a pap, to avoid them finding me and getting a good shot...”

I take a deep breath, inhaling the familiar and reassuring smell of his cologne lingering on his skin.

“I thought we were safe here,” I add. “I thought I could relax, just a little bit, just for one night. But no... they can’t even leave me the fuck alone just for one fucking night!”

As I start sobbing on his shoulder, he rubs his hand on my back lovingly.

“Did you find out about the pics?” I ask, lifting my head to take a look at him.

He nods.

“Angie called me just as I was having dinner with my mom. I wanted to come back up as soon as possible, but...”

He lets out a deep sigh.

“I couldn’t. And besides, I didn’t want to crash your own dinner with Justine.”

“How did you know I was upset? Where is she?”

“She called me. And she’s hanging out with Jena.”

With his comforting presence, I finally manage to relax some and smile a little bit. Relieved, I wrap my arms around his body and burrow my face into his shirt.

“Thanks for being here, Josh. Thanks for everything.”

“You can count on me,” he whispers, leaving a light kiss on top of my head. “Always.”

 

* * *

 

 

Josh ends up spending the night with me in my bed, although we’re way too exhausted to do anything other than sleep, cuddled into each other’s arms.

Justine only comes back early in the morning, and she has the delicacy of calling me to let me know before making her way back. Right after I hang up, Josh kisses me softly on the lips, and subtly goes back to his own room. I sigh and start to gather my clothes for the day when I hear the door opening. I look up and see Justine timidly entering the room.

“Come in, it’s yours too,” I say with a teasing smile.

She returns the grin, closes the door quietly and walks to me.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Very much so. Thanks for calling him,” I say, hugging her.

“You’re welcome. I knew you needed him. So I did what I had to do, you know...”

She bites her lip. I frown.

“What are you thinking?” I ask. I know her all too well. Something is bugging her and she hesitates to tell me. Usually that means it’s something regarding me.

“What are you gonna do without him? When you’re back on set with Nick?”

I shrug. I hadn’t thought about it, and to be honest, I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m living in the moment, enjoying the very little time I have left with Josh before we’re separated and I have to go back to counting the days before seeing him again.

I know it’s gonna be hard. I know I’m gonna miss him like crazy. But this time, I won’t make the same mistake again. I won’t let him think I don’t care about him. I’ll keep in touch with him regularly while we’re away from each other.

If it means skyping or texting every single day, I will. I’m ready.

And I don’t even want to think about Nick.

“I’ll see when I get there,” I reply earnestly. “For now, I wanna focus on the present. That’s what I need, for my sanity.”

She nods.

“Okay. Well, get ready, we’re leaving in an hour.”

 

* * *

 

 

We spend the whole day re-shooting scenes with the group of allies – Sam, Jena and Jeffrey – that take place at night and that will be altered in post-production. I find that it’s easier to forget all the things that are stressing me out when I focus on my work.

In the middle of the afternoon, we’re forced to take a break because of an unexpected rainstorm. I follow Josh into our trailer and we hastily get out of our soaked costumes, trading the wetsuit for a robe and only keeping our underwear on.

We cuddle together on the couch and stay silent for a while, listening to the sound of the rain pitter-pattering on the small window of the trailer. I slide a hand under the fabric of Josh’s robe to feel his bare skin underneath and sigh, leaning my head on his shoulder.

“You seem so stressed out,” he finally says. “Are you sure it was a good idea to cancel your vacation to shoot another movie?”

“Positive,” I reply. “Although if I had known back then that your departure would be delayed...”

“No. It’s better that way. And you said it yourself. It’s better for your mind to spend your free time creating something.”

I look down in sadness.

“Actually...” I start, biting my lip. “It’s true that usually, I would prefer doing creative work instead of staying there, doing nothing. But you were right... I kinda needed that break. But I had so much pressure to say yes...”

It hurts me to admit all this to him. But if there’s someone I can open up to about this, it’s him.

“David would call me in the middle of the night all the time until I said yes,” I confess. “He was so enthusiastic, so sure I would be perfect for that role...”

I take a deep breath.

“But I don’t regret saying yes. Especially now that I forgot to thank him-“

“Stop,” he whispers while running his hand through my loose, damp hair. “Stop it, Jen. You don’t owe him anything, okay?”

I look up at his stern face and swallow thickly.

“You wanna know the truth, Jen? The truth is that he’s the one who owes you. Because the biggest reason his movie was so successful is you. Not the other way around. He’s reaping plenty of benefits for himself just because of your performance.”

He cups my face gently, before lowering his voice to barely more than a whisper.

“So don’t you dare say that you owe him your success, okay? Never in front of me. Never.”

I nod, and press my lips gently against his.

“You’re right,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck.

I really don’t know what I’ll do without him by my side. He’s my support, my rock, my light.

“But now that you’re committed, better enjoy it, right?” he replies with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“That’s my intention.”

“Good.”

He pulls away a little and stares at the wall sadly.

“And you will enjoy yourself on the _X-Men_ set too.”

I see his gaze is cloudy, unfocused. He’s deeply lost in his thoughts, and I can very well guess what he’s thinking about.

Or whom, rather.

“It won’t be the same without you.”

“You’ll have other people to hang out with you. Other people to...”

He shakes his head, unwilling to finish his sentence. I sigh.

“I wish I had never signed up for that one. I did it because at the time, I was scared of being typecast, and I couldn’t afford to pass projects. But it’s suffocating. And I could do without the shade they keep throwing at me because of my weight.”

He turns to me and frowns.

“What are you talking about? You’re perfect.”

I chuckle nervously.

“Not to them. Apparently I’m too fat.”

“It’s ridiculous,” he says with an angry look, which quickly turns to sadness. “But I don’t believe for a second you regret doing it.”

I can guess pretty easily what he’s thinking about. That I wouldn’t regret it because it’s where I met Nick.

Maybe he’s right, in a way. I wouldn’t regret it. But not for the reason he thinks.

“Maybe without it I wouldn’t have gotten this part,” I say softly, before slowly caressing his face with my fingertips. “Which means I wouldn’t have met you.”

“Nope. We still would have met. Remember the SAG awards? When you walked up to me to tell me I inspired you to keep going?”

I smile.

“I was wearing a white dress.”

He shakes his head, his beautiful grin lighting up his whole face.

“No, it was a bright pink dress. I’ll always remember that day. I was so impressed, not only that you had noticed me, but that I had played a small part in your success.”

He looks down, likely remembering the day.

“Without this job, we just would have been acquaintances,” he explains, the regret palpable in his voice. “You would have gone on to do another movie, I would have done the same. Maybe our paths would have crossed in another award show one day. And you’d have met somebody else, and you’d be happy.”

“Josh...”

He doesn’t add another word. I can’t stand to think of my life without him being so close to me now.

I’m so thankful that life put me on his path.

“Maybe I would,” I add, cupping his face to force him to look at me. “But I’ll never know.”

He nods slightly, but I’m not done.

“What I do know, is that I’ve met you, and I’m happy.”

His glassy eyes take me by surprise. I’m about to brush my lips against his when we’re disturbed by a loud rapping on the door.

“Hey, lovebirds!” I recognize Andre’s voice on the other side. “Get ready to go back, it’s stopped raining. If you’re not out of here in 10 I’m gonna take Jeffrey’s crickets and let them out in your trailer again!”

Josh stares at me for a second, before he bursts out laughing. I can’t help but laugh too, and reluctantly, we disentangle from each other and put our costumes back on.

As Josh slips back into the wetsuit, I allow myself to stare at the strong back muscles rolling under his skin. He’s turning me on so badly, yet he doesn’t seem to realize it. I can’t wait to be done filming for the day, so we can lounge around together in his hotel room, without a care for the world.

 

* * *

 

 

Despite the long days on set, where we shoot from before sunrise till after sunset, the week passes by in a blur. First thing I know, I’m waking up in Josh’s arms for our very last day of work on filming this movie – and this time, it’s real.

After that, we’ll go back home, and I will leave for Boston almost straightaway, while Josh flies out to Panama for months.

I refuse to think about how our lives are about to change.

As Josh stretches his arm to turn off the alarm sound on his phone, I close my eyes and try to enjoy the moment for as long as possible. He drops a light kiss on my forehead and I move closer to him, sprawling my arm over his chest in a possessive manner. I want to feel his body, to keep the memories with me when we’re back home.

“We have to get up,” he says in a low voice that sounds laced with a hint of sadness.

“I don’t want to,” I whine, lifting my face up high enough to brush my lips on the side of his neck.

“Neither do I,” he sighs.

As much as I didn’t want to think about what awaits us when we leave this place, a sense of dread is starting to invade my whole being. I wish I could stay here in his arms all day, thinking about nothing else.

We’ve gotten too close. If I’m starting to panic at the simple idea of having to be separated from him for so long, how will I make it when we’re actually apart?

“Josh?” I whisper.

“Yes?”

“We’ll keep in touch while we’re away, right?”

“Of course,” he replies, and I lift my head up from his shoulder to see his eyes. He’s staring at me with a determined expression, but I still can’t shake the feeling that there’s also pain in his face. “I’m not abandoning you.”

I nod.

“I’m really worried about the _X-Men_ movie,” I admit, absent-mindedly picking on the slight patch of hair lining Josh’s chest muscles.

“Why?”

“I’m scared I won’t be fit enough, and they’ll shit on me again, and it’ll be exhausting and depressing without you to ease it all...”

I don’t dare go to the end of my thoughts. But judging by Josh’s tight pinch of the lips, I know he has figured out my biggest unease of all.

“You’ll be okay, I’m sure,” he finally says, cupping the back of my head to pull me closer to him and whisper in my ear. “If you ever need to talk, I’ll be there. Just call me or send a message. Anytime. I know how stressful it is for you.”

I gently caress his cheek and burrow my face in his neck. I can’t stand to think how much I’ll miss him.

“But I think you’re worrying for nothing,” he finishes. “You’ll be perfect. And it’s gonna be over sooner than you think.”

“I hope so.”

 

* * *

 

 

That last day of filming in the depths of the jungle, feet planted in a swamp all day long in crushing humid air, fighting invisible monkeys and ridiculously costumed stunt people – that we’re so used to seeing by now, it’s not even funny anymore - is so exhausting, that when we wrap up for good, there’s no ceremonies. We share more hugs than I can count, but no one even so much as wishes we would throw a party for that last night in Hawaii.

Instead, we’re all dreaming of our beds, and Josh and I end up going to sleep very early.

The next day, we pack quickly, have a hasty breakfast in the car on the way to the airport, and board the plane without a word.

I sleep the whole flight away, using Josh’s shoulder as a pillow. He wakes me up right before we land, concern etched on his face.

“I want to talk to you in private when we get home. Do you think I could go to your place later?”

“What if the paps follow you?”

He bites his lip nervously.

“What about I drive there late at night? They won’t recognize me.”

I think for a moment. Indeed, they won’t know it’s him if he drives in the dark. And as soon as he’s past the gates, we should be fine.

His serious gaze is throwing me aback though. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

“Okay,” I say in a tone that I try to make playful. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

* * *

 

 

I spend the rest of the day alone at my place, alternating between sleeping, petting my cat while flipping distractedly through TV channels, and eating. I’m waiting for Josh to let me know he’s getting ready to meet me home, and when his text message finally comes in around 11 pm, my heart tightens in my chest.

JOSH: Be ready, I’m leaving.

It’s so cold, so unlike him, but still so expected after his strange behavior on the plane earlier. I answer with a brief message.

JENNIFER: Ok. Waiting for you. Love you.

I sit against the bay window and focus on the cheery lights of the Santa Monica pier that I can make out from my place. I’m trying hard not to let anxiety take over, but it’s useless. I’m a nervous wreck.

After a while, I finally see a shadow walk to the gate. He stops, fishes something out of his pocket and a few seconds later, my phone buzzes with a message.

JOSH: I’m here. Can you unlock the gate?

I reply by remotely deactivating the lock just long enough for him to come in, and locking the gate right after. Then, I walk to the door and open it, not even waiting for him to knock.

As soon as he’s in and I can close the door behind him, I walk into his open arms and hold him tightly.

When I pull away and look at his face, I see sadness and fear in his eyes.

“Josh...” I murmur. “What’s going on?”

“We need to talk,” he finally replies in a neutral voice. I grab his hand to pull him with me into the living room, but although he follows me, he doesn’t sit. So I don’t either.

I just stare into his eyes, my heart beating faster in anticipation. He looks anxious, rubbing the back of his neck repeatedly.

“Before I start, just... promise me you’ll hear me out, okay?”

I nod, frowning.

“And I need you to know that I love you. I always have.”

“Josh...”

“Shhh...” he says, closing his eyes and cupping my face, pressing his forehead against mine.

He takes a deep breath, and whispers words that I didn’t know yet I couldn’t stand to hear.

“We need to go back to being friends.”

My breath catches in my throat. I pull away a little in confusion, and take in his sad, disillusioned stare. I want to reply, but the words are caught in my chest. He keeps talking, making my despair grow with each sentence.

“Actually, it’s not as if it was more than that anyway, but I mean, we need to go back to how regular friends act around each other. I can’t just fool around with you, it’s killing me, you know?”

“It wasn’t just fooling around...“ I finally manage to say in a low voice, but I know I’m kidding myself. I know I’ve been too scared to take the last step and always kept him at arms’ length somehow. How could he know how much I feel for him? Everyone warned me that I would lose him if I didn’t find the courage to commit to him. I guess I had it coming.

He shakes his head sadly.

“We made mistakes. But despite that, I’ll never regret what we had together these last few months, Jen. Even if you’re never ready for more, I’ll always treasure the memories of our relationship.”

I hate how he’s talking as if it was the end. I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to lose him... He has to know that. But he’s not done talking yet.

“Look, I don’t want you to feel like you’re chained to me, or that you owe me anything. You were the one insisting on waiting until the fall to make it official between us –“

“Because I was stupid-”

“No, you weren’t,” he says, rubbing his fingers on my cheeks. I look down, unable to hold his gaze any longer. I don’t want him to see the tears flooding my eyes. “You weren’t ready to dive into another relationship after breaking up with Nick. I didn’t help you move on, I just confused you more with my own feelings. Pressuring you into returning them too quickly. I just think we should start over. Do it right, like we should have done the first time. And if it means we’re better off as friends...”

When he pauses, I look up, and his eyes get full of tears, probably mirroring my own. As I take in the meaning of what he’s saying, as the implications of what he’s offering me dawn on me, I feel myself panicking more and more.

“Then so be it,” he finally lets out, pulling away to free his hands so he can wipe his eyes with his thumbs.

“You can’t... you can’t do this, Josh. Don’t you see it? I loved you all along, Josh! Not just when we filmed this movie... I’ve been attracted to you ever since I met you on that red carpet! Remember our first conversation on the phone? Remember our long discussions in your trailer when we filmed the first movie? Remember the texts, the mall tour, the premieres?”

I take a deep breath to try and swallow my tears.

“All along. I loved you all along. I was just too stubborn, too scared, too much of a coward to acknowledge it. And now that I do... you’re telling me it’s too late...”

I can’t help it. I throw myself in his arms again. When I feel his arms lock around my body, I finally let the tears flow freely.

“It’s not too late,” he whispers, caressing my hair. “If we still want to be with each other that way in the fall, then we’ll do it.”

“I know I will.”

“Lots of things can change in a few months, Jen. I just want you to figure out for yourself what you really want, without any pressure.”

“But what if you meet someone else?”

I pull away to stare at his sad eyes.

“I’ve tried to forget you for two years, Jen. Even if I met someone...”

He bites his lower lip.

“I don’t think I could ever forget you,” he admits.

“I want you to be happy. We’re happy together-“

“But you always insisted that we weren’t serious-“

“I was an idiot!” I shout, crashing on the couch and hiding my crying face in my hands. “Josh... I love you so much... I don’t want to lose you...”

“Hey,” he says, kneeling before me and gently prying my hands away from my face. “I’ll always be there, okay? I love you too. I always will. But you need to take the time to get over your previous relationship. Like you should have done first.”

I finally chance a look at his eyes. They’re glassy with unshed tears, but I also see how full of love they are.

“Can I kiss you?” I ask in a low voice. “One last time?”

He smiles and nods. I lean in and cup his face, pressing my lips against his in a tender kiss that I wish could last forever. I feel a foreign tear tickle my cheek and deepen the kiss, desperate to let him know the strength of my feelings for him.

When we finally pull away slowly, I stare at his eyes for a moment, before whispering.

“I love you, Josh...”

“I love you too.”

He kisses me one last time, and pulls me up with him for one last hug.

“If we’re meant to be,” he murmurs in my ear,” then it’ll happen at the right time. I promise.”

I have no other choice but to nod. No matter how badly it hurts.

“I’ll always be there for you, okay?”

I grasp his arms in one last attempt to keep him from slipping away from me, but I know it’s useless. I lost his trust a long time ago.

Hopefully he won’t forget me.

I can’t utter another word. My throat burns with the huge effort I make to keep my crying to a minimum.

And as I watch him walk away from me, despite the unbearable pain I feel in my heart, I also know, deep down, that it’s for the best.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter for this part of the series. I'll soon begin working on a sequel that'll be titled "I Will Never Forget You". I should start posting it in a few months as I have another story in progress that I want to finish first.
> 
> Thank you all for the reviews, the kudos, and just for taking the time to read this. You've all helped me gain confidence and learn to be a better writer.


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